How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

[Hresdyu]

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and I think that my trouble with men is because I’m far too accommodating and can be a bit of a doormat. This obviously becomes unattractive and ultimately the relationship breaks down or doesn’t go anywhere. I really want to stop this pattern but I don’t know how to.

Basically I’m a nice person so I go out of my way to be kind to others and understand things from their point of view. When this happens in relationships I think it comes across as unattractive.

I have a few acquaintances who treat other people in a way that I would hate. For example, one particular person (A) is married but puts her husband down in front of other people. She’s mean to him and is the kind of person who’s rude in restaurants but her husband adores her. He just laps it all up.

The problem is that I actually really like who I am. I like that I’m a nice, considerate person, but I am so fed up of repeating this pattern with men.

I’m in my early 40s now. How can I stop this from happening? How can I be less of a doormat and more of a nice diva??

"Cruel and selfish" - OMG! You need to seriously work on your taste in men.

This dynamic is unhealthy OP. You're not going to 'win' this. There are no winners in this scenario. He wants to assert dominance over you. He might be like this with everyone, always wants to be the leader of the pack or, he might just be like this with women.

Either way, you're never going to have an equal, healthy, functional relationship with him because that's not how he thinks.

You keep talking about being kind. Be kind to yourself and keep away.

I think you are really drawn to narcissistic men (or those with marked narcissistic tendencies) and get into the position of "orbiting" around them

I think you have to figure out how you benefit from these relationships? It kind of sounds like you want a trophy type partner. A jerk who is powerful and attractive. There is something about them that feeds your own self worth. There is a superficiality that comes through.

It kind of sounds like you want a trophy type partner. A jerk who is powerful and attractive.
The kind of partner that I want is a guy who I find intelligent and very intellectually stimulating. He needs to be my intellectual equal so we can have great conversations. I like a guy who can flirt and have good banter. I’m not remotely bothered by what he looks like so long as I find him personally attractive. Mr X isn’t conventionally good looking but I think he’s very attractive. Most would disagree! I also like a degree of common interests. When I was younger I was drawn to more androgynous men but now I much prefer more masculine guys. I like a man who can make me laugh and who has a bit of a dark sense of humour. I’m not interested in power.

I think you are really drawn to narcissistic men
I think Mr X has some narcissistic tendencies. I don’t think any of my exes have been narcissists.

Everything 12345kbm said.

"But he can also be cruel and selfish by his own admission."

Why the fuck would you want to date someone who admits to this?

Someone said "it's not you, it's them". But it actually is you, too. Your instincts are self-destructive.

I asked him what his flaws are. He said he can be cruel and selfish. In the couple of years that I’ve known him I haven’t seen him exhibit these things. I believe him though.

Oh god OP some of what you have written could have been written by me. You are in a bad place and you need to walk away from this man now.

Eventually he said that his honest opinion is that I’m not ready to do the new job. This really hurt because everyone else thinks I’m ready or will be by the start date.

This is shitty. It is MASSIVELY undermining. Ask yourself why he is saying this to you. You have said yourself this is a big deal for you because (ready or not) you have saved yourself a newly introduced compulsory year. Someone senior in your profession would be cheering for you. If they had YOUR best interests at heart, even if they suspected you weren't ready, would not be saying that they'd be saying they would support you if you needed help.

You've got the job. He knows you won't turn it down because of what he says - so the ONLY purpose achieved by him telling you he thinks you aren't ready is to make you feel lesser and unworthy and question yourself.

Of course you were hurt. Why do you think he said it? He's not stupid. He's doing it to cut you down and make himself seem bigger, older wiser. It is nasty nasty nasty.

Same for what you said about his comments about your nice Whatsapp photo.

He said that despite him being so exasperating I still keep coming back for more punishment.

This is HUGE red flag. He is saying he knows he can treat you badly undermine and eg hurt you by suggesting you aren't up to your new role professionally. But he knows you aren't going to walk away. This is such a bad sign it's off the scale of bad signs.

I think he’s used to women submitting fully or just not being interested so I think he’s enjoying the dynamic too. When we’re together it’s like we both come alive. Cheesy I know.

I'm sorry to be so brutal but its because I see myself in you. You are absolutely kidding yourself if you think you are not submitting fully or are pushing back or creating some new dynamic for him. You are totally deluded.

Just read what you've written here. You've got a man who undermines you professionally and how you look (These are the two examples you've written about but I'd bet there are many more), doesn't reallly ask you out or text you that you are bascially doing all the leg work with and occassionally you make a mild fuss about him behaving like a cock. You see this as a pushing back non-submissive dynamic. You are really deluded. It's about a submissive as you can get short of lying down on the road with a sign on your head saying walk all over me.

I know whereof I speak because I've bloody well been there.

Wake up and smell the coffee.

If you get off on being treated badly or dominated because it feels safe and familiar to you, then that's what's going on here. Either admit it to yourself or get some therapy.

Confessing it's so easy to see in other people but harder to fix in your own life.

He's told you he can be cruel and selfish - why would you even entertain seeing this man? In any context.

He's told you so he can get away with treating you badly. Along the line he'll say "I told you what I was like""

and yes he's manipulating you
Yes hes testing every single boundary

and yes you're exactly doing what you said in your OP that you don't want to do.

I don't actually think you should be dating at all until you've read Lundy, you've done the Freedom programme and you've had soe serious counselling about how to set and maintain boundaries.

And RUN from him. He's no friend.

Spinelessjello, you’re totally right, I know you are. I’m under his spell and I want to break free from it. Do you think that if I was genuinely less submissive with him he would be more interested in me?

Either admit it to yourself or get some therapy.
I have therapy booked to start in a week or two.

Which bit Loopytiles!?

"Do you think that if I was genuinely less submissive with him he would be more interested in me?"

I'm bowing out now before I say something rude.
This thread has been incredibly exasperating.
Good luck to you OP because you need it.

Thanks AnotherEmma. I know I’m exasperating.

Your attraction to this man is the problem OP. You need to be asking yourself why you are attracted to this dynamic - not how to navigate the dynamic better. You should be avoiding the dynamic! It is not healthy.

OP he’s a jerk and a loser, you know that full well. Tell him you are very busy getting ready for/in your new job so you’ll be off grid for the foreseeable. Wish him well by all means, but your task, the focus of your kindness and intellect, has got to now be on your therapy. Good luck 💐

Many of your posts, but: after listing numerous reasons why no woman wanting a good relationship should date him: “do you think that if I was genuinely less submissive with him he would be more interested in me?"

Do you think that if I was genuinely less submissive with him he would be more interested in me?

This is the wrong question. You should be now realising you don't want him interested in you. He's mean to you and undermining and YOU AREN'T EVEN DATING YET. You need to walk away.

To answer you question, whether you are more or less submissive won't make any difference to whether he is interested in you. Men like this are very clear in what they want in a partner and when they find it they will go for it and go hard. They pretend to be Mr Right to seduce the woman they want.

Whatever he wants, you don't have it because he's nasty to you, pushing your boundaries to see exactly how badly you can be treated and still keep coming back like he's a cat toying with an injured mouse. If he wanted you, you'd know because you'd be swept of your feet by a mirror of your Mr Perfect.

It doesn't matter what he wants. It could be many emphermeral things - he may want a wife who is famous, who was a model, who is hugely wealthy, has a title, member of landed gentry, champion horse rider, ultra marathon runner, Olympic gold medalist. All you need to know is he isn't good for you and you should walk away.

I know how hard this is because I'm in an unrequited love situation that has caused me tears and pain but you are very early in your race. You have barely left the starting blocks. There is no reason why you can't quit right now. Walk way from this man. He is not nice to you.

Can I ask you why you are interested in getting a cruel and selfish man to be more interested in you?

The way to get free of being "under his spell" is to back off and wait for the feelings to die down. It may well take weeks. Or months. Hard to tell, because you've let yourself become far too invested in somebody you're (am I right with this?) not yet even dating.

There's something in your posts that feels like some part of you has never really grown up. Most women by your age are over bad boys. You seem to be still in thrall. How have you failed to notice this man is a twat? There's a lack of emotional intelligence somewhere.

Maybe you're stuck chasing personalities like your mum. A bit angry a bit aggressive, and you want to earn their love by placating them.

There's something in your posts that feels like some part of you has never really grown up.
I think that I can be quite naive and child like.

Most women by your age are over bad boys. You seem to be still in thrall.
I don’t think I like bad boys though. I’m not interested in a guy who’ll cheat on me.

How have you failed to notice this man is a twat?
Ha! Maybe he is. I don’t know. I like him or at least I thought I did. After the photo incident I was a little shaken up. It’s similar now with the promotion.

There's a lack of emotional intelligence somewhere.
Funny you should say that as friends, family and colleagues tend to hold me up as an example of someone with very high EQ!