Why doesn't he want me as his girlfriend?

[sadaboutlife]

There's a guy who I really have started to develop feelings for.
We have just got back from a 3 day break together and it was honestly brilliant.
We get on so well,we laughed non stop,had such a good time,talk about anything and everything.
He doesn't want a relationship.
He was talking about his friend who cheats on his girlfriend and said "this is why I don't get with girls"
He has openly said he is sleeping with other women and texting them but told me that I'm the one he speaks to most and has the best "crack"
I miss him already.
When he was nearly home he kept saying
"Only 16 mins left together"
"This weekend gone too fast"
I'm not sure when I'm gonna see him next as he has said ..he can't do the relationship thing.
I'm hoping this weekend away changed his mind.
Why can't he give up sleeping with others and give things a proper go?

Yep. Next thread will be he hasn't yet her for 4 minutes.

*TEXT argh

I think she just loves posting about the situation for attention.

If she's been posting multiple times, she's most likely doing it because she keeps hoping she'll get the answer she wants. Which is, "just hang in there. He'll come round."

Ih ave had many female friends who have done this in RL. Constantly ask. Constantly show yet more proof of why they should not give up. And constantly ignore the responses that he's not going to change.

You have fallen for him....he is emotionally unavailable, you’ve already been rejected by accepting this and hoping he develops feelings along the way....he knows you’ve accepted this and this arrangement works just fine for him. He is also aware of your feelings and likes keeping you on the end of his rope because you are always available for his ego, sex, fun...whatever it is he wants...:but he’s not available to the things you want from him.
By hanging on to him you are going against your own boundaries and standards and trust me from someone who knows, the only person who will suffer is you. Your self esteem will hit rock bottom and once your free from the situation that’s hurting you, you will then question yourself and your self worth wondering why the hell you hung on for so long.
I would cut loose right now to save yourself any more pain. Be honest and tell him you want a relationship, tell him it’s been great but you want more now so cya...his actions will tell you what you need to know...just don’t let him reel you in for the ego boost...if he wants you and values you then he will come after you and give you what you want. Don’t be this guys puppet any longer. If anything op, walking away will increase your value and self worth and he will respect you for it if anything.

Another thing op, don’t swallow all the bullshit and mushy things he says to you, believe his actions.
I met a guy who told me everything I want to hear, lead me on endless times and just when i thought i was winning he would pull back again. We were full throttle for months and then he claimed we weren’t as serious as i thought we were. He played me.
This guy sounds like the same type.
You ask why a guy just wants to fool around...because he can. He can sleep with multiple people and get the ego boost from it, he likes having options and women pining after him...it makes him feel like a stud. He doesn’t have to put anyone else first, he can come and go when ever likes, no pressure or commitments. Lots of reasons. You can’t make him settle and the more you cling on the more you will repel him.

It gives you something to talk about, I guess

EUGH - years ago I had an ex like this! Told me he was a commitment phobe....he worded it as if the poor guy had just told me he had a proper illness, and expected sympathy!

He too was charming, funny, but also very self absorbed and it was all about him.

It's hard but if I could look back I wish I had got out sooner, but it was slightly different as we were a couple...

LISTEN to what he is telling you.
Have a bit of self-respect and Walk Away.
Time will heal and you will see what a wanker he really is.

How old are you both??

Why would he when he can have his cake and eat it?
Value yourself more!

I can't work out what your relationship is with this guy ?
Are you sleeping with him ?
Are you just friends and if so, for how long ?
How did you meet him ?

You don't sound like one of his other women as I wouldn't go away for a weekend with a FB ?!

So I'm going to presume that you are friends. And that said, if you can live with hearing about his antics without it hurting you then stay friends, but he's not into you ! It happens to us all unfortunately.
Write some notes about your feelings, beat yourself up about "what's wrong with me blar blar" and in a few months you'll be wondering what the fuss was about.
The friendship will probably fizzle out eventually, when you're ready for it to or when you find someone else.
Sending hugs 🤗

Bollocks !! Do we think this is a fake post ?!?
Well that's half an hour of my life I'm not getting back !

Oh well - I'll take on board all the comments for when someone takes me away for the weekend but isn't into me 😂

You must have been on the other side of this.

Can you not think of a guy you've met in your life who you like, fancy, have a laugh with, but you never "fell in love with" because whatever your magic ingredient was is missing?

As many posters have said, the why doesn't really matter. You are only focussed on the why because you are hoping it will be fixable. Sadly falling in love is not the same as a toy with a flat battery. It's never a case of Q: why doesn't he love me
A: because you don't wear enough blue.
You: Ok I'll wear more blue. Problem solved now he loves me.

The Why is usually thing you have no control over such as

he enjoys lots of sex with different women and won't settle down until he knows his time for that is over which will probably be when he's turning 50 and he'll take up with a model like 25 year old.

he will only marry a woman with a huge private income who is the daughter of the landed gentry

he's pre-programmed to only fall in love with a woman whose smile is exactly the same as his mother, who has naturally red hair and green eyes and whose skin smells like cabbage.

It's all random stuff you can't control.

The PP who posted about her similar experience where she pressed for an answer and got the brutal heart smasher of I never fell for you has it about right.

That's all it's about. He's not feeling it for you in the way you want and you can't change that.

He probably likes you, enjoys fucking you, enjoys spending time with you - but he probably has the same experience with lots of other women and tells them the same thing. You are all much of a muchness to him.

You are wasting your time. When he's ready and he meets his Mrs Right you won't see him for dust and you'll feel even worse than you do now.

The best thing you could do is take control and the high ground and walk away now.

I would waste time waiting for him to change his mind, he isn’t in the place that he wants a relationship, if you want to don’t kick him to the curb. Straight away but rather than wait for his call... start dating and if you get the vibe with someone else and they want the same then his loss

He likes you, he’s not in love with you. Even if he was, he’d probably still shag around.

Move on. This one’s not for you.

You WILL get over him. A couple of years ago I was in a similar situation and I thought I was in love with the guy.
He actually told me "you are stunningly pretty, you have everything going for you and I mean that sincerely, youre intelligent, funny, really kind, but i just don't have feelings for you'.
It crushed me and I literally wasted so much time analysing the situation, wondering what I could do to make him love me, I even asked him twice if he would not just give things a go with me and he said no.

He had the 'attachment issues' after his ex said he needed therapy etc. But he still wanted sex with me.

I wasted years on him and honestly wish i'd walked away on day 1.

Feelings cannot be controlled, it sucks but they cant. I'm sure you are amazing, he just doesnt have those feelings but it's nothing at all youve done or about you.

The advice given here is amazing, I really hope you will walk away from this guy, gain in confidence and meet someone who wants commitment too. 💐

@FineWordsForAPorcupine speaks truth especially the idea of “finding a pet bastard” because you yourself are afraid of intimacy and self-reflection.

I got obsessed with a guy like this for a few years when I was in my 20s. I’m in my 30s now and regret the headspace I wasted on him. But on reflection, looking back I didn’t actually want a relationship at that time but was looking for something to distract me emotionally.

I have a friend in her 40s who has an ongoing situation with a similar man. Nothing you say can persuade her they’re not star crossed lovers.

Whatever age you are, you are wasting time with this person, who does not have your best interests at heart. Maybe that’s what you want to do? Especially since people are posting useful advice and apparently you are just posting multiple threads asking the same questions?

You need to stop thinking about his motivations and ask hard questions of your motivations and your feelings here.

Oh @ Frankieferocious this sounds so brutal. I admire you for being so direct but I'm not surprised you were crushed.

He actually told me "you are stunningly pretty, you have everything going for you and I mean that sincerely, youre intelligent, funny, really kind, but i just don't have feelings for you'.
It crushed me and I literally wasted so much time analysing the situation, wondering what I could do to make him love me, I even asked him twice if he would not just give things a go with me and he said no.

OP read this and think about it. This is probably what this guy would say to you.

I think some times very very rarely it's possible for a situation like this to work out but only where the couple are in constant forced contact most usually working together or at college in the same class and where the reason the one isn't interested is due to a variable factor in his template - something that can be changed.

What I mean by that is that we all have built in templates of what we are physically emotionally sexually and compatibly attracted to. When we meet someone who matches that template we are open to fall in love. The factors in the template may not all be good things - a girl who is brought up by a violent father may feel comfortable with a abusive men as its familiar so abuse may be part of her template.

Template factors can be anything from blue eyes and blond hair, 6ft tall to kind to animals.

If a person is 75% of the template but say the missing factor is not enough social status, not enough money or too thin or too fat, these can be changed. I know its not that simple but the point I'm making is that sometimes it is possible for a person's view to change from not interested to interested. It's like those films when the school geek comes back built like a rugby player without braces and in a sharp suit.

It is very rare though and if you are forcing someone to tell you that they don't have feelings for you it's going to crush you and there will be no way back from that for either party.

The person who heard it will forever have that in the back of their mind even if they start dating.
The person who said it will never forget how they felt or that moment when they articulated it.