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Original poster

Why doesn't he want me as his girlfriend?

193 replies

sadaboutlife · 12/11/2019 14:27

There's a guy who I really have started to develop feelings for.
We have just got back from a 3 day break together and it was honestly brilliant.
We get on so well,we laughed non stop,had such a good time,talk about anything and everything.
He doesn't want a relationship.
He was talking about his friend who cheats on his girlfriend and said "this is why I don't get with girls"
He has openly said he is sleeping with other women and texting them but told me that I'm the one he speaks to most and has the best "crack"
I miss him already.
When he was nearly home he kept saying
"Only 16 mins left together"
"This weekend gone too fast"
I'm not sure when I'm gonna see him next as he has said ..he can't do the relationship thing.
I'm hoping this weekend away changed his mind.
Why can't he give up sleeping with others and give things a proper go?

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 12/11/2019 16:28

Carrot and stick. He's dangling pretty words in front of you to keep you interested and his pool of women available to shag as big as possible.

firesong · 12/11/2019 16:37

You want a relationship, he does not. Fundamental difference and should be a dealbreaker for you.

If you wanted a job somewhere, and they said they weren't hiring, you wouldn't hang about and work for free would you? So look elsewhere, as sad as you might be right now.

AnuvvaMuvva · 12/11/2019 16:46

So he's not your boyfriend, had told you he will never be your boyfriend, and has told you he's sleeping with other people.

And yet, you still went away with him for 3 days??!

That's why he doesn't want you as his girlfriend. Because you have low standards.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/11/2019 16:47

If the op chooses to be with him under these conditions then it's on her.

Well sort of. I did this once with a lovely man. I was just out of a serious relationship, not ready for a new one. I did tell him that but I knew he was falling in love. Strictly his issue but I behaved like a shit too, using him for the stuff I wanted and ignoring his feelings.

But regardless of how much I liked seeing him, I was never going to get serious. OP don't get your hopes up.

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2019 16:50

The thing is op, you need to stop doing the pick me dance. The fact he's saying these things to you, makes me think you're raising the subject with him, and acting a bit desperate to be his girlfriend, and he's trying to placate you by saying he talks to you thr most etc. Of course he doesn't. But even if he was, and maybe there aren't other women, he's just making it up as an excuse not to be in a relationship with you, you need to accept he doesn't wish a relationship with uou.

Grab hold of your dignity. Stop making yourself so available. If you can handle fwb, do it. If not walk away. Stop showing him you want to be his girlfriend. Stop the rejections. And stop, doing what you can to please him and make him want to be your boyfriend. He will not respect you for it.

Glitterb · 12/11/2019 16:50

This sounds like it is only going to end badly, he is almost warning you and if you continue, he can blame you.

Why would you want to pursue a relationship with someone who is sleeping with multiple other women? I would be walking away

AFairlyHardAvocado · 12/11/2019 16:50

Yeah, the girl who wont take his shit will be the one he wants to be with. Ive seen this too many times unfortunately

This is so true. It's so so so common I can think of 5 guys off the top of my head who said they never wanted a committed relationship and then bam "the one" and went all in.

All of them were married and had children with the woman they fell for - all of them within 18 months of meeting.

They're happy now and I think it's nice - they didn't know they would meet someone who would make them want that stuff. They were totally open with people they were dating before and it was their decision to carry on or not.

He's told OP what he wants and she's continued to sleep with him. Yes she may have made it clear she wants a relationship but he's been honest he doesn't want one with her. The onus isn't on him to call it off, she's choosing to continue seeing him.

As much as people think it's bad of him to keep seeing her knowing she wants more than he is willing to give, she's an adult woman.

Perhaps he thinks she's ok doing what they are doing now because she is continuing to do it!

OP this is going to end badly - stop psychoanalysing why he doesn't want you to be his girlfriend. Sounds like it's time to move and be true to yourself by dating people who have the same wants and needs as you Thanks

AFairlyHardAvocado · 12/11/2019 16:53

And please don't be tempted to "look like you're less available" etc as it's playing games that only end in you either revealing you actually are much more invested than him or keep quiet but feel insecure.

There are so many people out there who do want to meet someone and have a relationship, it's up to you not to put yourself through chasing something you've been told is not what they want. Thanks

dontalltalkatonce · 12/11/2019 17:06

You need to cut him loose unless you're only interested in a fuck buddy, which you're not or you'd have had started this thread. You are wasting your time and being foolish to invest even an ounce of emotional energy on him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/11/2019 17:26

It's so so so common I can think of 5 guys off the top of my head who said they never wanted a committed relationship and then bam "the one" and went all in.

So true. From player to committed family man in one fell swoop.

willloman · 12/11/2019 17:36

bumblebee69
OP means 'craic'
OP you sound lovely; go find someone who deserves you.

Frankieferocious · 12/11/2019 18:30

I have been through this, I had an on/off FWB for 3 years who had 'commitment issues' and I used to tell myself that he would develop feelings with time. He didn't.

I think many of us have been there, but sadly I don't think this guy is going to 'realise' he is in love or that you are the one for him. I'm sorry.

You can argue that he has been honest by telling you about the other girls, but all the mushy texts etc is not fair.

I would honestly tell him that you're ending the current situation because you want a relationship. Try and move on because there will be a lot of men out there who will also want one.

And don't take his rejection personally, I find a lot of the time when people do that, it says a lot more about them.

StarlightIntheNight · 12/11/2019 18:42

And some men do have commitment issues and they really just won't commit to anyone...these are the men that remain single forever...or for a VERY long time. My first bf was like this and 15 years later he is still single.

billy1966 · 12/11/2019 18:42

Op, he gets to behave any way he wishes, because he has been honest.

When men want a woman, everything else goes out the window.

They are single minded and competitive.

You will never be his priority.

He's looking for something else.

Do not waste your time and energy of him.

But if you choose to.

Know that you WILL regret it.

💐

waterrat · 12/11/2019 18:53

The only way you will make this man consider being serious is if you set some boundaries.

Tell him it's exclusive or nothing then let him go. If he comes back and commits to stop sleeping with other women then you know he cares.

If you allow him to use you for whatever enjoyment he wants and then sleep around he will keep doing it. And what is more he will have no respect for you.

When someone tells you who they are - listen.

I think you need to have a look at your own self esteem and lack of boundaries.

Original poster
sadaboutlife · 12/11/2019 19:54

We literally laughed all weekend.
Laughed till we cried.
Had such a good Time.
I don't know what else he is looking for that we don't or couldn't have

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 12/11/2019 19:57

Just to reiterate what another poster said. This isn't because you aren't enough, or you aren't special. You sound lovely and I'm sure many men would love to be in a committed relationship with you. You may find it hard to allow other men a chance once you finish this. Why? Because you have such a good time with him and know that it could be good. The trouble is, he doesn't value that. He's on a different pathway of more conquests. The thrill of the chase that boosts his ego. The easy sex available with today's apps. You can't beat that OP. Throw this one back in and give someone more deserving your time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/11/2019 20:03

I don't know what else he is looking for that we don't or couldn't have

A lack of commitment and a variety of sexual partners.

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2019 20:04

Op, it doesn't matter what he's looking for. I'm sorry and I mean this gently but he's just not that into you, and he doesn't want it. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you, he doesn't want to have sex with you, or want to spend time with you, but he doesn't wish a romantic relationship with you.

He's told you this. You need to accept it and not waste your time, because you're going to get really hurt if you don't.

Anotherlongdrive · 12/11/2019 20:08

Op he is a fuck boy. It's not about how good you are.

He wants to shag around. He also told you he would cheat. That's why he doesnt want a relationship. He wants to shag whoever he likes, but wants you hanging in doing the pick me dance.

He is being honest. You are only hurting yourself.

rvby · 12/11/2019 20:12

@sadaboutlife it's really got nothing to do with you, there's nothing wrong with you. Some people just don't want to have a partner, or don't want a partner at the moment.

Plus, if you've given the impression that you'll hang around feeling sad, waiting for him to come to his senses... then, in the nicest possible way, he may have sussed that he can have all the fun and sex with you, while still having fun and sex with other women, and you'll sort of accept it.

Is that true? Would you fuck him off based on him not committing to you? Because men like this can smell insecurity and will take advantage of it gleefully...

MarianaMoatedGrange · 12/11/2019 20:21

I don't know what else he is looking for that we don't or couldn't have

A lack of commitment and a variety of sexual partners.

Yes, this ^. Sorry OP, but that's how it is. He has good times with you when he's with you, and good times with many others when he's with them.

Vanhi · 12/11/2019 20:24

I don't know what else he is looking for that we don't or couldn't have

It's not worth examining this tbh. You'll tie yourself up in knots and hurt yourself when the unfortunate truth is that he's just not that into you. Chalk it up as his loss and move on.

As for him being honest, well he is but he's also dangling the OP on a string. He's being honest about not wanting a commitment but then giving her just enough to keep her hoping by telling her she's the most fun and that the weekend has been great. Just get out OP. There are nicer men out there and in the meantime, being single has its advantages.

LemonTT · 12/11/2019 20:34

But he could have had all that fun and laughter with any number of friends. I have had brilliant, fun packed weekends with lots of mates. They aren’t my soul mate. My DP is. Our bond is undefinable and our time together doesn’t need to big, massively exciting or brilliant.

You might think you are into him, but really you aren’t. You haven’t experienced it yet and you are confusing fun with love. He’s a bit more aware that you two aren’t it.

Thehop · 12/11/2019 20:43

@sadaboutlife

“ I don't know what else he is looking for that we don't or couldn't have”

Lots and lots of fuck buddies.

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