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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why doesn't he want me as his girlfriend?

193 replies

sadaboutlife · 12/11/2019 14:27

There's a guy who I really have started to develop feelings for.
We have just got back from a 3 day break together and it was honestly brilliant.
We get on so well,we laughed non stop,had such a good time,talk about anything and everything.
He doesn't want a relationship.
He was talking about his friend who cheats on his girlfriend and said "this is why I don't get with girls"
He has openly said he is sleeping with other women and texting them but told me that I'm the one he speaks to most and has the best "crack"
I miss him already.
When he was nearly home he kept saying
"Only 16 mins left together"
"This weekend gone too fast"
I'm not sure when I'm gonna see him next as he has said ..he can't do the relationship thing.
I'm hoping this weekend away changed his mind.
Why can't he give up sleeping with others and give things a proper go?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 12/11/2019 21:14

I think many of us have been in similar positions (I know I have) and it is easy to fall into thinking that there is something lacking in you. There isn't. You just want different things. He wants to sleep around and hang out with lots of different girls. When you say “ I don't know what else he is looking for that we don't or couldn't have” , you are assuming that while he says one thing, he actually means something else, i.e. that he is really after what you want in a relationship. That´s why you are ending up hurt. Try instead to accept his words at face value. He does not want a girlfriend.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/11/2019 21:23

I've been in this situation as him and I can tell you there was absolutely nothing wrong or lacking with the man. I just didn't have those feelings for him. Great sex, fantastic company, we suited each other perfectly. But I didn't feel it. Ten minutes with DH and I did.

Sandals19 · 12/11/2019 21:41

Either he's not in the mindset for a relationship with anyone, or he's not fallen for you, you're not the "one" (in spite of the positive things he's said and his evident enjoyment of your company), sorry.

Mrs Terry makes the good point that you can be attracted to someone to some extent, get on like a house on fire with them etc but just not fall for them/be capable of falling for them. Weird but true.

I actually think that someone who's very relaxed, open, demonstrative etc in their interaction (esp when not in a long term relationship) is someone who's not in awe or in love ... Until it becomes v long-term people who are in love (or capable of being)with someone are often more tense, anxious, self conscious, nervous, a bit guarded etc. .. because their feelings are engaged and are vulnerable. He doesn't sound like he's acting like that, in fact he sounds the opposite. So it may seem positive but it's actually a sign that he's not really emotionally engaged.
Likewise a guy who.gad feelings and who wanted not to put you off or risk you not seeing him and wanted it to go somewhere; would never tell you about other women he has in the go.

He's been quite plain, in spite of the "counting down with regret" thing he's done, telling you're he enjoys your company etc. - that he doesn't want a serious relationship with you a f that probably won't change.

I'd stop seeing him and shagging him, this is it going to end in (your) tears

Startingoveragain1 · 12/11/2019 21:51

He is a twat op. Get rid, ur future self will thank you forever more. We all find a twat like that at some point of our lives, listen to mumsnetters, weve been there done that, wore the t-shirt. Ure not someones side dish. Or starter until the main course arrives... Fuck him off. He wont know what hit him

BumbleBeee69 · 12/11/2019 22:05

We literally laughed all weekend.
Laughed till we cried.
Had such a good Time.

He probably has this same great time with all those others girls too.

sadaboutlife · 12/11/2019 22:05

I have developed feelings for him and I think he knows I have.
Some times I think he has feelings for me too.
He said he has commitment issues.
Whatever that means

OP posts:
rvby · 12/11/2019 22:12

He said he has commitment issues.
Whatever that means

It means he doesn;t want to have a relationship with you, and is trying to come up with something to say that isn't as unkind-sounding as the truth.

There's nothing wrong with you, he's just not that into you, and that is ok.

MonaChopsis · 12/11/2019 22:14

It means he wants to sleep with lots of women and not feel guilty about it.

OP, you need to walk away from this. My Mum once told me 'men vote with their feet' ie look at what he is doing, not what he is saying. He is sleeping with you and others. End of. No matter how much he's spinning you a tale about how special you are, he is sleeping with you, and others. The more you accept that and let him keep doing it, the less incentive he has got to change.

Dump him. He doesn't want what you want. Dump him, grieve, and move on to someone who wants the same things as you.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 12/11/2019 22:17

He said he has commitment issues

Translation - "I want to shag around"

AFairlyHardAvocado · 12/11/2019 22:45

He said he has commitment issues. Whatever that means

It means he doesn't want what you want!

I think people have tried to be kind on this thread and explain he just doesn't want this to be a relationship but it feels like you're being wilfully determined to ignore that sensible advice and instead keep saying but we get on so well, but we laugh so much, but I think he feels xyz.

He has told you he doesn't want you to be his girlfriend - I'm sorry I know it's rubbish for you but there is no subtext to what he said, it is just how he feels.

So it's up to you whether you keep seeing him knowing it won't progress to anything more serious or you be true to what you want and move on.

Come on OP you're basically breaking your own heart for goodness' sake!

ZZPer · 12/11/2019 22:48

He’s just not that into you.

DeeCeeCherry · 12/11/2019 22:49

He's not that into you. He'll take the sex, laughing and joking and good banter tho. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. You know the score, it's not as if he didn't spell it out to you. Getting attached to him is a waste of time

KatherineJaneway · 12/11/2019 22:50

He said he has commitment issues.
Whatever that means

It means I want to shag whoever will let me shag them

Ohyesiam · 12/11/2019 23:04

It’s a horrible place to be in op. As somebody up thread said, this isn’t how long term term relationships start.
You’re not going to feel any less into him if you carry on seeing him, you’re going to have to stop seeing him and go cold turkey.
One day you will meet a man who will reciprocate and you will look back and think “ why was I that bothered with fuck boy?”.

Ohyesiam · 12/11/2019 23:05

And even if he does have feelings for you, he will ruin a mile rather than commit.

mrssoap · 13/11/2019 06:05

If he liked you that much he would give up the others. Your going to get hurt if you don't end it now.

Vanhi · 13/11/2019 06:44

Some times I think he has feelings for me too.

OP there are all sorts of relationships. There are countless states in between "no feelings" and "deeply in love". Your FWB probably has some fondness for you. He presumably likes you as a friend, although perhaps not that much if he continues to have sex with you knowing you're reading more into it than he is. I'm sure he has fun with you and enjoys your company. Unfortunately, none of this means he wants a monogamous long-term relationship with you.

People aren't trying to be mean. It's just that it's easier to see these situations more clearly when you're on the outside of them, whilst many of us have experience of being on the inside of them. Move on from him and that will allow you to find someone who does reciprocate. It will hurt to do so, but it will hurt a lot more in the long-run if you don't.

RantyAnty · 13/11/2019 07:17

@sadaboutlife

If you really want to see what he's about, stop doing anything sexual with him. I mean nothing.

Hang out and laugh if you want. Have a meal. but nothing sexual at all. If he asks, just say you're not into sex right no, just a flip as he tells you he doesn't want a relationship.

See how long he sticks around.

Bodyposiftw · 13/11/2019 08:34

Stop seeing him. You have feelings for him, he told you you are not the one. You will not suddenly be okay with the situation. Do not kid yourself that it suits you because it doesn't. You will not unfeel what you feel for him.
Time to move on or it will cause you lots of heartache. Plenty more fish in the sea and there is nothing like a clean break to forget about someone. Seeing him just as a friend will not help you move on. Just severe ties for your own sake.

AnneKipanki · 13/11/2019 08:48

@sadaboutlife

Everyone on here is saying the same thing.
What does that tell you ?

You are not happy with the way things are . He is .
He might meet " the one " today. How is that going to make you feel?

Enjoy what you had . Move on . Easy for us to write but not so easy for you to do .

Sandals19 · 13/11/2019 09:27

There are countless states in between "no feelings" and "deeply in love".

Very true.

I think this is why people struggle do much sometimes with relationships and in particular with situations like these.

Someone can like fancy someone to some extent, like someone to some extent, enjoy their company, bond with them etc etc but they're feelings are not strong enough to want a potential long term monogamous committed relationship with them.

So no doubt he's not indifferent/at 0% for you, but likewise he's not at the percentage (60/70 +?) that he needs to be to want a relationship.

Plus he seems to be going through a slapper phase (or just is a bit of a slapper).

Also he's not got the feelings for you that you've got for him because he's intimate with other people/several people, while you're only intimate with him.(?) So of course you've caught feelings and he hadn't (or to a much much lesser extent). And you can't get him to stop.being intimate with others because he doesn't want to.

You're on s hide to nowhere, other than getting hurt; stop shagging him and you'd probably better stop seeing him full stop or you'll keep getting dragged in.

Sandals19 · 13/11/2019 09:28

*their

Sagradafamiliar · 13/11/2019 09:39

'Commitment issues'= 'I don't want to commit'.
Sometimes the most obvious answer is the right one.
He's living his best life, spending his weekend with a woman who is so into him, crying with laughter, having everything he wants and no worries with it.

PixieDustt · 13/11/2019 09:41

He's not interested in you.
He is a fuck boy. He wants to sleep with other women and that's up to him. He has been honest with you but you're still trying to chase. You're not going to get anywhere I'm afraid.

PatriciaHolm · 13/11/2019 09:47

I'm not sure anything we say is going to make any difference. OP has to come to the realisation on her own that he's just not interested in a committed relationship with her, or he would be in one now. That's the simple answer. Hundreds of replies all saying the same thing still met with, essentially, "yeah but..."

And if it's the poster who has posted about this numerous times before, that could take a long time.

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