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Original poster

Why doesn't he want me as his girlfriend?

193 replies

sadaboutlife · 12/11/2019 14:27

There's a guy who I really have started to develop feelings for.
We have just got back from a 3 day break together and it was honestly brilliant.
We get on so well,we laughed non stop,had such a good time,talk about anything and everything.
He doesn't want a relationship.
He was talking about his friend who cheats on his girlfriend and said "this is why I don't get with girls"
He has openly said he is sleeping with other women and texting them but told me that I'm the one he speaks to most and has the best "crack"
I miss him already.
When he was nearly home he kept saying
"Only 16 mins left together"
"This weekend gone too fast"
I'm not sure when I'm gonna see him next as he has said ..he can't do the relationship thing.
I'm hoping this weekend away changed his mind.
Why can't he give up sleeping with others and give things a proper go?

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 13/11/2019 10:00

Sorry for my stupidity, but are you sleeping with him and want a proper exclusive relationship or are you currently friends who you want to have a relationship with?
If its the former than you know where he stands - he has been honest and its up to you if your willing to accept that. If you do though it will over time desoy your confidence and self esteem and there is a good chance he will leave you in the end anyway.
If it is the latter, than I think at the moment he just wants to be friends. You need to accept that and maybe widen your circle so you are not so dependent on this chap.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 13/11/2019 10:13

I'm not sure anything we say is going to make any difference

I feel you're right. We all have to learn these things through personal experience, really. It's a shame OP will waste a great deal more time mooning over this guy, but it is what it is.

Goldenchildsmum · 13/11/2019 10:22

Why can't he give up sleeping with others and give things a proper go?

Because he sees you as a mate/friend not a romantic partner

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/11/2019 10:27

I remember a male friend telling how his FWBs would sometimes misinterpret his affection and enjoyment of them as a sign he wanted a relationship.

He said that when he’s with someone it’s nice to cuddle and stroke their hair, it’s nice to gaze into someone’s eyes, be lovely to someone and get that back - but it was no more than him enjoying that moment and was absolutely no indicator of him having feelings.

OP you just have to wise up the hard way I’m afraid.

He doesn’t want a relationship with you and he’s not going to fall in love with you.

The best case scenario is you only get a little bit hurt, rather than a lot.

Sandals19 · 13/11/2019 10:40

If you're having sex with him, having sex with someone who's concurrently having sex with other people... is quite an effective way of getting STDs. Because they haven't had the chance to clear naturally (or even detect) STDs while theyre active.

Even with condoms your risking herpes etc.

Greta1985 · 13/11/2019 10:42

I feel you OP and have been there a lot in my younger years!
The best advice anyone gave me on the subject is ‘if someone tells you who they are, listen’.
My most extreme example is a FWB I had for about 7 years, we tried to make it more serious on and off over the years but he regularly would come see me when he had girlfriends etc. A couple of days before I was due to move abroad he proposed (with no ring lol) so I said if you’re serious then come back with a ring before I get on the plane. He never showed up and it took that to realise he would never change, not for me anyway, and I was getting too old for that biznis!
It’s not personal, be kind to yourself.

Original poster
sadaboutlife · 13/11/2019 11:44

I know he doesn't want a relationship with me.
I think I've been hanging on to the hope that he might change his mind.
I do think he likes me to some extent but like others have said not enough not to want to sleep with other women.
If it's about sex,and getting sex,he would get it from me,but I think he wants the thrill of different women.

OP posts:
ChippyPickledEggs · 13/11/2019 11:56

Do you know, OP, I went out for a meal with my ex-partner and our children last night because it was our daughters birthday. We had a really lovely family meal. My ex was on form, being really funny, and I laughed til I cried at some of his stories. Had a brilliant time. I'd still rather stick pins in my eyes than ever get back together with him.

You just had a laugh. A good time. It doesn't mean he loves you. Look, we've all been in your situation and I know it is painful. The only way to avoid more and worse pain is to cut your losses. Leave him.

Movinghouseatlast · 13/11/2019 12:07

Oh my love, I have been you. I fell for a total shit like this. I could never understand why he didn't want to be with me. He called me his best friend, said we had the best sex he'd ever had. I always thought he would come round.

Over 20 years I wasted loving that man. He even got married and still was telling me I was his best friend. He split up with his wife and then wanted to resume sex, but still without a relationship, still telling me about the other women he was shagging.

It took over £1000 in therapy for me to finally let go! I think he was a narcissist, a proper one with a personality disorder. But I had to work on myself to realise why I fell for it.

dontgobaconmyheart · 13/11/2019 12:37

OP he sounds embarrassing Confused. Hardly worth pining for or hoping for crumbs. I expect he says the same nonsense to all the other women he sleeps with, making women feel special is hardly a high level grafting tactic so much as one men use because they know it gets this result.

He is telling you he won't exclusively date you, he fancies other women so much he won't stop sleeping with them, he doesn't want to just have sex with you and only no matter what you do- it's all a total no go. Before you know it you'll be dedicating your time doing anything to please him, and letting him get away with anything in the hope's he'll see what a great, laid back girlfriend you'd be Hmm - it's degrading OP, don't do it. Find someone who means what they say.

For the love of god get yourself down the clinic or GP for a sexual health screening, it's dangerous to sleep with someone who sleeps around. Condoms won't save you!

Original poster
sadaboutlife · 13/11/2019 12:43

There is probably about 10 women he has been sleeping with not including me.
I don't think settling down is on his radar.

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 13/11/2019 12:51

He sounds delightful 🤢

Just another fuckboy. Been there, done that, learnt the lesson. They feed their stupid little egos on the attention of many women. Meanwhile you're bending over backwards to please them, be amazing girlfriend material in the hope they'll fall madly in love with you. Reality is you're just begging for crumbs and he's got you exactly where he wants you.
Ditch and move on. You're worth more than that.

zafferana · 13/11/2019 12:59

He's a player OP and he enjoys it and why does he need to stop? He tells you quite openly that he's shagging other women (at least 10 of them apparently!), and yet you're still laughing with him and shagging him senseless all weekend.

If you are okay with that (which you're clearly not), then carry on. If you aren't, I suggest you start valuing yourself a little more and tell that you're not up for being part of his harem any more.

If you want a monogamous relationship with someone, then you need to find someone else.

Treacletoots · 13/11/2019 13:06

Please OP, raise your standards and your self respect. The cruel thing about human nature is when we think we can't have something we only want it more.

Stop falling for people who have made it clear you're not their priority. Perhaps consider some self reflection or counselling to understand why you are settling for such substandard behaviour from this man. Being single is not a bad idea (I was brought up with a mother who believed any man was better than being single) thankfully I've managed to shake out that nonsense.

JorisBonson · 13/11/2019 13:10

There is probably about 10 women he has been sleeping with not including me.

Why on earth would you demean yourself like that?

JorisBonson · 13/11/2019 13:10

Also, I have deja vu

Foreverhungry32 · 13/11/2019 13:12

10 women?
Jesus wept, does this guy have a gold encrusted cock?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 13/11/2019 13:12

He’s a pig but he’s an honest pig. This will only end in your tears, OP. Save yourself the heartache and walk away before you fall too deeply.

AgeLikeWine · 13/11/2019 13:15

I know he doesn't want a relationship with me.

This is not about you. He doesn’t want a relationship with anyone. He has been completely honest about this. He wants what he has got. FWB. You want a proper relationship, so you need to look elsewhere for it.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 13/11/2019 14:56

Move on.
He's using you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/11/2019 15:00

Jesus wept, does this guy have a gold encrusted cock?

I knew one of these in my youth. He was seriously good looking, seriously charming, drove a sports car and worked in the City. He was also massively emotionally damaged. Child abuse and neglect, all sorts. He did end up meeting a lovely woman, having kids. She met some need in him and I'm glad he did. But trying to get him to commit in his 20s? Not a hope in hell. Many women tried. His friends told them not to bother.

squeaver · 13/11/2019 15:04

I don't know what else he is looking for

He's looking for (and getting) sex with multiple other women.

powershowerforanhour · 13/11/2019 15:22

Oh well done you won the prize for being the most craic. That's pretty cool. One of the others won the prize for being the prettiest, another Best Shag, another the waggiest tail. Probably each prize was allocated to the recipient he thought would like it most.

My 3 year old sometimes gets a "superhero helper" medal hung round her neck at nursery. She loves it and will follow the nursery leader around like a dog all day when she has it on, helping to tidy up crap the other kids have spilled. She's absolutely delighted with herself and can't wait to show me at pick up time.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 13/11/2019 15:34

Are you going to stop seeing him then?

Sandals19 · 13/11/2019 19:09

There is probably about 10 women he has been sleeping with not including me.

Ffs sake, stop shagging him; he's going to give you an Std sooner or later.
Do you really want herpes that never goes away, and you'll have to tell any future partner you have it, and they could decide it's not for them and go no further with you.

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