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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why doesn't he want me as his girlfriend?

193 replies

sadaboutlife · 12/11/2019 14:27

There's a guy who I really have started to develop feelings for.
We have just got back from a 3 day break together and it was honestly brilliant.
We get on so well,we laughed non stop,had such a good time,talk about anything and everything.
He doesn't want a relationship.
He was talking about his friend who cheats on his girlfriend and said "this is why I don't get with girls"
He has openly said he is sleeping with other women and texting them but told me that I'm the one he speaks to most and has the best "crack"
I miss him already.
When he was nearly home he kept saying
"Only 16 mins left together"
"This weekend gone too fast"
I'm not sure when I'm gonna see him next as he has said ..he can't do the relationship thing.
I'm hoping this weekend away changed his mind.
Why can't he give up sleeping with others and give things a proper go?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2019 11:33

Or not liking the person enough to want to commit to them.

Original poster
sadaboutlife · 14/11/2019 11:37

@PurpleDaisies well that's the thing,if you like someone enough you wouldn't want to sleep with others.
Sometimes that's a bitter pill to swallow.

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 14/11/2019 11:38

@sadaboutlife

You're going to make yourself miserable dwelling on this my love. It doesn't matter why he doesn't want a relationship. The reason why doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want one.

Just as much as you know you don't want a FWB set up long term, he doesn't want a relationship. His decision is as valid and fair as yours and he has been honest about it.

You continuing to see him and sleep with him is just dragging out the amount of time you'll feel shit for and the strength of feeling you develop.

Like I say it doesn't matter why he doesn't want a relationship. What matters is that he doesn't want one. That's it. It's shit for you but that's it and now you know you need to move on or you're only hurting yourself.

Original poster
sadaboutlife · 14/11/2019 11:45

No a fwb is not what I want.
I'm hurting my own feelings,it just seems alien to me not to speak to him anymore after all this time.
As soon as we got home I really missed him.
Like a sad type of feeling that he wasn't there.
Maybe I need to just remove myself Like someone suggested and not Just be one of the girls.

OP posts:
Anotherlongdrive · 14/11/2019 11:51

You do need to remove yourself. But when you do he may say that it could turn into relationship to keep you hanging on. Dont do that.

Because it wont. If it had have turned into a relationship it would have.

Be prepared for him to try and pull you in with false promises.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 14/11/2019 11:54

You're going to make yourself miserable dwelling on this my love. It doesn't matter why he doesn't want a relationship. The reason why doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want one.

This ^^^

Plus if he's shagging that many women there is a big chance he'll pass an STI onto you. As a pp said, if the other women are also shagging others it could be 100 people involved!

MarianaMoatedGrange · 14/11/2019 11:56

Be prepared for him to try and pull you in with false promises.

I agree. Don't fall for that. He'll not ditch the others for you now.

springcomeround · 14/11/2019 11:58

I’ve definitely been there with a man a bit like this - although mine wasn’t so callous . Please remove yourself from his orbit ! The man I married is a much better man than the one a bit like yours ... it didn’t take me that much longer to meet him either once my mind was free of the no hoper

MarianaMoatedGrange · 14/11/2019 12:03

OP, change his number in your phone to no hoper!

I agree, springcomeround you can't meet other potential partners while you're mooning over someone.

Sagradafamiliar · 14/11/2019 12:18

What would make a person not want a relationship?

This has been answered many times throughout the thread. I think you're waiting to hear something revelatory, something with a deeper meaning but the simple truth is that he a) is already reaping the benefits of a relationship, likes all his options and has no reason to change things or b) he doesn't want one with you. That is more personal and not nice to hear, but you can't wish yourself into a relationship.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 14/11/2019 12:25

Maybe I need to just remove myself Like someone suggested and not Just be one of the girls.

Of course you do!!

All the time you keep seeing him you are making yourself more miserable, developing more feelings and having less chance of meeting someone else because you're wasting your time on a dead end.

Don't wait for him to be a "bad guy" or alternately to change his mind. You are an adult who needs to make the call on this based on your own feelings and what you want for the future.

It's a bit unfair I think to keep saying he's nice and fun and you laugh lots as if that's a reason he can't mean what he's saying or will change his mind - he's allowed to be nice and fun without wanting a relationship.

He's been absolutely honest with you the whole time, you've just chosen to believe he will change his mind. He's made it clear he won't - it's time to move on!

Loopytiles · 14/11/2019 12:28

Why would someone wanting a relationship date / shag HIM?

No contact is best.

Value yourself and your time/energy/feelings more. If someone doesn’t want a relationship and/or isn’t into you, don’t waste your time with them!

MashedSpud · 14/11/2019 12:43

You’re just one of his fuck buddies.

He’s been honest about this.

You can wait around until he tells you he’s met the one he wants to be with exclusively and cuts ties with you or see other people too or walk away and find someone who wants to be with you.

MrHaroldFry · 14/11/2019 12:56

Stop!

He has literally told you he won't have a relationship.

If having a relationship is your goal, walk away, no, run away.
Listen to yourself speaking as if it was a friend who was telling you her story. Would you tell her to get a to a sexual health clinic for a test? Would you tell her she was too good for him? Would you tell her not to be a mug and walk away from this toxic situation?
Ramp up your self esteem. He is not the man for you.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 14/11/2019 13:00

I thought I could change him

Why did you think that?

I don't mean that in a snarky way - I think you should honestly think carefully about why you said this.

Because (and this is just my opinion) I don't think you did think you could change him. I think you knew what he was like, knew it would end badly, but chose to do it anyway. Because you are either

a) subconsciously trying to sabotage any chance of true intimacy because you aren't ready for it
b) indulging in self harm on an emotional level because you are unhappy with an aspect of your life
c) enjoy the role of "kind, loving woman cruelly treated by bad man" because it is a way of getting support and care from those around you.

All this speculation into HIS feelings and HIS actions and whether HE is ready for a relationship is a way of distracting yourself from honest self reflection.

Are you ready for a relationship, OP? I don't think you are, but choosing to be single and in charge of your own life seems scary. So instead you have found yourself a pet bastard to be unkind to you, so you can concentrate on him instead of you.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 14/11/2019 13:03

Reading back the above seems harsher than I intended, OP - I know it is hard and painful to voluntarily stop seeing someone you feel intensely about. But I think you have to be honest with yourself about why you picked this guy to make yourself miserable.

BlingLoving · 14/11/2019 13:04

OP - I feel your pain and let's face it, most of us have been there at some point. But he doesn't want a relationship with you. He wants to have some fun and some good sex and leave it at that. And if you want more, you need to walk away because you won't get it from this man.

If he really cared about you, he wouldn't do this knowing it hurts you. So he's not a caring and lovely man. A caring and lovely man who also wanted to sleep with lots of women would make sure that none of the women he was sleeping with were sad that he was doing so with lots of people. A loving an caring man would want you to be happy and if he realised it wasn't going to be with him, he'd let you go.

He tells himself that because he's been honest with you, therefore he's done what he needs to do. But that's not enough and he's NOT a nice man.

Sandals19 · 14/11/2019 13:06

What would make a person not want a relationship?
Just enjoying the single life with no ties ?

There are many reasons but if you want to find out his ask him.

Hopefully he'll be honest.

(Though if part of it is that he doesn't/wouldnt want a relationship with you personally, don't expect him to be honest about that - because no-one wants to say that to someone's face).

I once asked a guy this - I was so persistent and so straight that he ended up answering, the answer being "I just didn't fall for you".

Felt emotionally like taking a bit in the stomach from Klitschko, but it was actually the best thing he could have said, both in regards to him, and to relationships in general. Sometimes people just don't fall for you, they like you and may be attracted to you etc etc but they don't get strong, definite "I want to pursue a relationship with her/him" feelings, and that is likely to not change.

Incidentally, with distance, I realised I don't even like that guy all that much. He's likeable in some ways, in others he's shallow, pretensious, faffy, judgemental, had issues, has a religious zealot mum who would be horribly interfering etc etc.

Emerald46 · 14/11/2019 13:11

Can I ask how old he is, @sadaboutlife? Sorry if I've missed it earlier in the thread. I'm wondering if he's young and just enjoying his free spirited 20s or whatever?

sarahjconnor · 14/11/2019 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Talkingmouse · 14/11/2019 13:17

Stop trying to analyse what is motivating his actions. There is nothing you can do to ‘change’ him and the situation.

Disengage from him completely and get on with your life.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 14/11/2019 13:25

I don't get it - he hasn't lied or fucked her over unless I've missed something.

He would be an absolute arsehole if he gave her bullshit lines then retracted them but it sounds like she knew the score the whole time but as she said just thought she could change his mind.

If I told someone I didn't want a relationship and was only happy with things as they currently stood, and they kept seeing me regardless then I would assume they were ok with it.

Especially if they spent the whole weekend laughing with me and having a great time - it isn't his responsibility to analyse OP to the level she is analysing him. He may well just think she's ok with seeing him the way things are because she's continued to do so.

OP is an adult and shouldn't need to wait for someone to dump her to stop seeing them - she should end it if it's not working for her.

I don't want to sound like a dick OP it's just such a shame you're doing something that's making you sad and taking up so much of your headspace when it's in your power to stop it Thanks

FreeBedForFlys · 14/11/2019 13:32

You’ve asked the same question about 4 times now. The answer isn’t going to change. I don’t think you’re listening.

MashedSpud · 14/11/2019 13:35

Op has been posting about this guy for several months now under many names.

The advice has always been the same, to leave him but she never does.

I think she just loves posting about the situation for attention.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 14/11/2019 13:50

Oh god I've just realised it's the same person talking about this situation. I'm out - good luck OP!!

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