DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

But I hear what your saying, especially regarding coping. It’s not pleasant hearing you’re something to be coped with (or not in this case)

What treatment is he under for his mental health? How often does he not take his meds, and why?

As he’s unhappy with his treatment, what’s he doing about it, eg asking doctor for alternatives, saving to pay for private treatment?

"Therefore I don’t want to argue and potentially have the babies overhear and be upset."
Stop being a doormat. Just shutting down and do what he wants to avoid conflict is not a short or long term solution
Do you want your kids to learn to be subservient to others? That's what you are teaching them.

"He says he doesn’t want our relationship to be over. He was horrified when I said we’d be separated if he moved out."

You have to be kidding me. In what world does he live in? He's horrified? Now I find it comical.

If he doesn't want to be the relationship to be over, he needs to step up and be part of the relationship. He checked out a long time ago.

What does he expect you to do? Wait for him and be a single parent while he enjoys his single life?

Stop listening to his words. Look at his actions. He is stringing you along with what you want to hear to keep you where he wants you to be.

you’re not in any way assisting with the financing of this new flat are you? If he said he wanted to split would it change his financial position in rental affordability ?

True in your bones depression would mean you shouldn’t be alone. You would start not showering or brushing your teeth, not pay your bills. Stop going to work & lay in bed all day.

How is his personal hygiene regime? Because can assure you this slips when you’re depressed you stop putting in self care.

Also you don’t have to be guns & roses. If you’re playing any gig anywhere then it automatically increases the likelihood of being hit on massively. Do they have gigs & are you invited? Have you ever been to one or seen him play? Does he want you around when he is doing a gig ?

@Loopytiles he always takes his meds in general. There was a few days where he ran out though and the change in his behaviour was quite extreme.
He’s going back to the GP next week as I’ve told him he has to. If he’s as bad as he claims then the citalopram he’s on is not sufficient. He’s never told the GP he hears voices etc.

@Hithere2 there is nothing to be gained by arguing in the short term. The babies are 15 months. The only ‘example’ it will currently set them is their parents yelling and upsetting them. I prefer to save it for counselling. His hygiene is fine. They don’t play gigs. A few open mic nights but I’ve never been. I could if I wanted but they’ve all been quite far away and I need to see to the babies.

@prawnsword I have no money to help him even if I wanted to (not that I do) He can’t afford to private rent. It’s the housing association he’s going through.

Are you sure he is bans practicing?
Those band mates are very questionable

Where did the money come from to buy all musical equipment?

Yes he’s definitely practicing.

He already had equipment. He’s been playing the guitar for years and the other guys have been playing for years as well. I have no concerns regarding where he is/what he’s doing. I’m perfectly happy for him to do it. It’s his hobby.

Sounds to me as if he wants to have his cake and eat it. Er, that's the worst possible outcome for you and DDs.

See what the GP says. In the meantime, start looking after yourself. Yes, really.

OP, if it's any help, I know a man identical to your DP who skedaddled from his wife just after his long anticipated DS was born. They'd been together years, she'd 'saved' him, everyone bent over backwards to keep the family together, but off he went.

Two years later, his next GF had his second, much wanted baby. He left again. He's just had the third DS with the third partner - guess what, the relationship's in trouble. He claims the DS was 'a surprise' when she'd had a series of miscarriages already.

He's furious if either of the previous wives tries to have another LTR. And apparently tried to 'come back' to both previous partners several times over the years. They weren't having it, because he was really a pattern, not a person.

This is not a men-bashing story or a dire warning, or anything MN-etty and silly. But the message is; Set Boundaries. Don't have sex, cuddle, feed, or do anything that makes you wince - really, don't.

When someone shows you who they are by what they do, not by what they say, listen.

No matter how horrifying, inconvenient, or hurtful, this is who they are.

Whoops, x-post. Band = fine, of course.

I recall renting a room in queens park London for 70 pounds a week. I imagine inflation must have gone up in your country since then. Are you talking about private rent of leasing a whole flat or a privately renting a room ? I am guessing he wants a whole place, So there is ample room for the children to stay, so a 2bedroom ? How much is this ball park a week he would be looking at ?

Government funded housing is given according to need. This is so that people who are homeless or at risk can be prioritised. I would imagine his situation is in the queue but not flagged as an urgent case to require any escalation. Have they provided an estimate of time it is until housing may come up ?

I would hazard a guess that it’s still comfortable for him at home, enough to plan his preferred departure. If you guys break up would he be expected to leave sooner ? I believe he will do & say whatever keeps an easy transition until he has moved out & settled at his new place. I would be very suspicious of why he wants to not be under the same roof anymore. I would bet he will be wanting to socialise at his new place & there may be other women on the scene shortly after his departure. I think he has you emotionally wrapped around his finger & keeping your whole focus on him. He is draining you of energy better spent investing in focus on your girls.

Your friend telling you he is having you on with mental health is significant because she knows him in real life & concur his behaviour doesn’t match his words.

I don't have anything much useful to offer beyond a whole heap of sympathy, but I can give you a tiny bit of personal experience.

I think the PS4 is a symptom of depression. When I am low, computer games are a huge release for me, they occupy my mind and almost put me into a trance - and, perhaps almost more importantly, give me a tiny but helpful sense of achievement. I've never been quite that bad, but close to it sometimes. It's a way of hiding from himself.

Could you spell it out to him on paper.
This is the bare minimum I'll accept to stay together.
You go to bed at a reasonable time so that you can get up at x o'clock to spend time with your family.
And so on

But tbh if you're having to spell it out he's not enjoying doing it.

I also must add that you both have an obvious communication issue here. This is abnormal to shut down important conversations with the excuse “the children will hear & be damaged” - you are both adults here & why can’t you talk in a separate room? When they are asleep? In a regular tone of voice or furious whispers ?”

I’m not understanding how he is saying “I’m depressed I can’t cope with all this” and you are willing to talk about his depression / mental health because presumably that is a problem that you can fix & then you will stay together & everything will be fine.

But you essentially saying (if I’m getting this right ) that you are shutting down other topics & feelings as they are more problematic & are more likely to lead to break up conversations ?

Do you feel like he wants permission to leave ?

@prawnsword as I’ve said now several tones, we CAN’T talk without ending up arguing. Usually viciously and fruitlessly. That’s why I don’t want to discuss things until we are in Relate. Why should I put myself through that? He tried to talk last night and we just ended up having another horrible row and me going to bed in tears. The usual accusations about how I’ve changed, never want to do anything etc. and him making out as if he’s DH of the year and what he does is never enough. He’s that great a DH that he’s still in bed while I get up with the babies like I have every morning for the last fortnight!

We live in an area where there is not a shortage of social housing. He’d actually be band three on the list because it’s a relationship breakdown and he needs to be in the area for his children. We pay £71.62 a week for our two bed. Rents here are very cheap.

@FraglesRock I’ve asked him to not lie in bed, I’ve asked him to get up. He doesn’t do it for any sustained length of time. I’m wasting my breath. I’m up again this morning with the babies. I am absolutely utterly knackered at the minute. I want to just run away for a weekend and leave them all behind.

The usual accusations about how I’ve changed, never want to do anything etc

Has he not noticed that you now have twins that are 15 months old and need a lot of hands on care? That you are providing that care while also trying to cope with his mh problems, that you are tired and run ragged by all this and to add the cherry on top he has decided that it would be for the best that he moves out, tries the single life for a bit and then will decide if he will condescend to return to the marriage and engage in fatherhood. The more I read of your post's OP the more I agree with your friend that he is taking the piss. This comment tells me that his life has not really changed much since having kids, his hobbies continue and you pick up all the slack.

I want to just run away for a weekend and leave them all behind

So what is stopping you OP, this is at crisis point now so ask friends or family to have the DC for a night, book a b&b , if you have no money ask another family member or friend if you can sleep in their spare room for a night, that you are at breaking point and need to just sleep for 24 hours straight. If you keep going the way you are your mental health will break down and your DC will have nobody, it is clear as day that your DH is not going to step forward so take action now to care for yourself, even if only for one night.

@ChuckleBuckles It’s difficult because on the one hand he acknowledges things are harder since we had the babies, but he’ll still moan we never do anything. Tbf before the babies were born I did go through horrendous depression due to my infertility. I could just about cope with staying alive and was in no mood for socialising. It was hard for both of us. However I feel
It’s unfair to drag up the past. It’s gone, what can I do about it now? The babies actually stayed out at my parents the week before last which was a massive step as I’m mega clingy. We went to the cinema and for a drink. It upsets me that he can’t be positive and build on that and instead prefers to accuse me of never going anywhere. It pisses me off as well because he’s hardly Jay Gatsby. He never suggests anywhere to go and when I say shall we go out he’ll go ‘where?’ His excuse is that because he’s not from round here he doesn’t know where to suggest.

My parents are taking the babies on Thursday night and I am going out with a friend. I need a nights unbroken sleep so badly.

Handling your kids to your parents so you can get a well deserved break does not help the existing situation at all.

Your dh is the problem. Till you face that, nothing will change

OP, I have been where you are: a husband 12 years younger than me, poor mental health, new baby. I fought to get him care, I put my life on hold to help him and care for both him and our DD. When DD was 5yrs old he announced I’d ruined his life, caused his mental health issues, forced him into becoming a parent, and that I had stopped him from being all he wanted to be. All those years I’d worried myself sick and worked flat out to support us, cried through counselling as I tried to make things better, and then I found out he was also cheating on me.

He didn’t stick around. In fact, he moved 150 miles away to be with the Other Woman. He didn’t want to be a parent. He sees DD every other weekend and doesn’t even bother to call during their time apart. He can’t/won’t work and pays no maintenance. He is victimhood personified.

Your DP is fragile but makes it out to band practice? I recognise that crap. It’s so fucking selfish. My XDH pulled that shit too.

But now? I’ve never been happier. Thing is, I also had mental health problems. I had no choice but to keep fucking going because of DD. It was hard. It was hellish at first. But it got easier. Amazingly, my own mental health is miles better for not being around him anymore. Four years on and DD and I have a lovely life, and I have a DP who is aghast that anyone could walk away from their child.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Yes, so what you need to I’m order to feel you’ve tried to make things work. But please don’t be afraid to set boundaries. Put yourself and your children first. Good luck.

do what you need to in order to feel you’ve tried to make things work*

@RedTitsMcGinty I’m so sorry to hear your story. What a pathetic excuse for a man

DH has been pressing me tonight about what we are going to do. When I’ve said let’s get the counselling and then decide he just keeps pressing me! I told him I can’t tell him what to do and that I don’t know either. Then he started again with all the “I have no say in anything, it’s all you, everybody hates me because you tell them what a terrible person I am” etc. etc.

He insists he doesn’t want to leave me but it’s painfully apparent he doesn’t want to be here. He even dared say that if we go to counselling it will just be made out to be all his fault. I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to say/do to that?

@noneedtoberudedear oh my word that is massively unfair of him. Just putting it all on you. It sounds almost like he wants it to be you that decides he should leave? So so unfair. I really hope the counselling unravels things even just a bit for you

@Magpiefeather He insists he doesn’t want me to tell him to go, but then he goes on like that? Today I wish he would just go. I’m absolutely sick of the whole situation.