DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

How about custody and visitation?
How are you going to manage that? Let him do what he wants?

You need agreements enforcable by law.

Your poor kids. One dead beat father and a mother that is not capable of making smart decisions and decisive actions.

How fucking dare you @Hithere2 My poor kids? My children are my everything. I went through hell and back to get them. If he tried to get custody it would be over my dead body (not that he’d want it) and I’ve already told him he’s not seeing them alone due to his MH issues. If I have to consult a solicitor I will but he hasn’t even gone yet.

I’m glad you’re such an amazing person that you’d be able to leap from your DHs alleged mental breakdown and fucking of and leaving you to lawyering up within 48 but I’m not you.

Do me a favour and stay off my thread

Your wish is my command. I truly hope it all works out in the end

@noneedtoberudedear sorry it has come to this. He clearly doesn’t have any assets and has no plan to get another job to help support his kids. The PlayStation set another bell off, that and the band. He sounds very young and not ready for kids.

Have you got people around you to support you?

@Silencedwitness I have my parents close by and a few very good supportive friends. I’m probably luckier than lots of women who find themselves in this position.

He’s acquired both the PlayStation and the band since having the babies! Talk about maturing backwards Perhaps I married the real life Benjamin Button?

@Hanab he won’t sell his PS4 or guitars. Not a chance. It’s pointless to even ask. He can keep them. They can keep him company in his new house in the shittiest part of town!

He does have another bank account but there’s nothing in it. I know his wage, always have and I know it all goes straight into our joint account. I’m much more money savvy than him. Although having said that he’ll be a millionaire by next month if he continues on this new found path of self sufficiency at the same rate.

Really sorry to hear the latest update @noneedtoberudedear. Your DH is behaving like a selfish single man with no responsibilities and it does sound like he has mentally checked out of the relationship. I know you say he has no assets to speak of but please do go to a solicitor to make sure you know your rights and what needs to be made formal between you, for your & your DC's protection. It won't cost very much if there's no money to divvy up and might save you a lot of hassle at a later date, particularly if you decide to divorce at some point.

I am fuming on your behalf that he wasn't up front with you to begin with!! So he has told you that he struggles with MH issues and asked you to help with that, but at the same time has managed to start a band, apply for and get a HA property and presumably make arrangements to do the actual move?! And all whilst agreeing to go to Relate although knowing in his heart of hearts that he doesn't want to be there and in fact has plans to leave regardless of what's discussed.

I know it's much easier said than done but if you've made up your mind now that that's it, he's going and there's no going back, please don't give him any more headspace in that respect. You need to move on now for YOU and your lovely babies. Spend time with your DM and DF and your friends. Get advice wherever you can (council, CAB, Twins Trust etc), look for work if that's what you want/ need to do. Maybe do an online course if you fancy it (and have time!), there are loads of free ones out there. In essence - focus on you and your much loved DC.

You will be better off without him.
How does he think child visits are going to work?

@RubySlippers77 I’ll look into solicitors. I honestly didn’t think I would need one but this thread has made me realise that’s not necessarily the case.

He swears he told me he was going to look at the house but he didn’t! He told me he’d been rang about looking at it but I thought he was going to band practice on Wednesday. I said to him last night that it’s amazing how his MH issues haven’t stopped him sorting a new house in less than two weeks and he just got angry with me. He just started saying he’s moving out because of all the times I’ve told him to move out!

I feel like shit. I’m 41 next month. My DH is leaving us just before Christmas. This move was supposed to be our new future with our children and it’s gone to the dogs within 16 months. I’ll be OK. I’m going to apply for some PT jobs. I’m already back at college (although the twins don’t give me much time for revision) I’m getting near to taking my driving test. Realistically DH doesn’t do much anyway so won’t be missed that much on a practical level. I do still love him though, that’s the painful bit. We’ve got nine more sessions to go with Relate and I honestly can’t see the point. He said last night that him moving out doesn’t have to be the end of us. He’s deluded.

@Weenurse I’ve not spoken to him properly about visits. I’m too upset. I’ve told him he’s not having them alone. I’m not leaving a person who’s hearing voices regularly alone with my children. I don’t really know what people do in those circumstances. I don’t want him round my house every bloody night playing Disney dad while I tidy up.

Could a family member supervise visits elsewhere?
Or push for a visitation centre.
Tbh he could probably just not bother if you don't offer it at yours.
I really wouldn't offer visitation at yours, he will have to put zero effort in (like now) except he gets to go home and get a good nights sleep.

OP I would be so angry. Don't allow him to swam in and take the babies on Xmas day....they will be old enough to enjoy this...you can make it nice for them without money...my single mum did for me. And this guy is not autistic. Autism gives problems reading others' feelings. Autism does NOT stop people caring about other people. It is perfectly possible to have a loving relationship with someone with Autism. I am afraid it does sound that your OH has more difficult problems, and you must not blame yourself for this break up. He does not sound capable of fatherhood. Some men just aren't. Thank god the twins have you- they will be fine if you are xxxx

Agree with family member or visitation centre.

Swan!!! Not swam. That would be extra weird

Did he tell the GP at the most recent appointment or the Relate counsellor about the hearing voices aspect of his MH?

Good for you, OP!

I don't think he 'hears voices' at all, I think it was another tick in his box of 'I suffer with poor MH'. Like a lot of other posters, I've had experience with a family member 'hearing voices' and it's something that's noticeable and acted upon by the GP. But you can play him at his own game with that one - if he 'hears voices' he's not suitable to have young children unsupervised. If he doesn't hear voices, (as he will no doubt claim if he wants to play Disney dad and take his twins out to be cooed over by people), then why did he say he did?

He won't want them at Christmas, I shouldn't worry. Toddlers are hard enough, two at once? He won't bother.

I don't think it's fair for some posters to have decided that he doesn't have mental health issues or that he isn't hearing voices.

The fact that the OP has seen the effects of missing meds doses clearly shows that there's something going on there.

Also, depression does make people selfish and often unable to see past their own needs. Allowances can be made for that but that's clearly not the full story with him.

It is entirely possible to have mental health issues and also be a selfish, self-obsessed arsehole. He sounds like a man-child tbh and he's already checked out of this relationship.

I have a parent with a mental illness and they are similar in that they use this to excuse every bit of shitty behaviour and selfish decision making. It's not that, they're also an awful person.

@FraglesRock I’d just get accused of pettiness if I pushed for a contact centre. I’m not sure it would really achieve anything to be honest. Having said that he’s not just turning up whenever he wants. I really don’t know how I’m going to work it given I won’t leave him alone with them. I need to have a good hard think.

@Fizzysours there’s no way he’s taking them on Xmas day! He’ll want to see them, but I’ll be taking them to my parents for the majority of the day.

@SecondRow yes he told the GP about the voices. That was the main point of the visit. We’ve also told the Relate counsellor.

@Zaphodsotherhead @littleturniptop I do believe him regarding hearing voices/having poor MH. I don’t want to get into a situation where I’m claiming not to believe him. It won’t reflect well on me and I’ll just be accused of heartlessness. However I’m very that his issues haven’t prevented him sorting out a new home in less than a fortnight.

Having said that, he’s been sent a letter today saying the psychosis team haven’t been able to get in touch with him. This is after the GP told him they’d be calling him. It’s so infuriating! They’ve made him an appointment for a day he’s at work next week so now he’ll have to sort that out.

I also agree that MH issues and acting like a selfish dick aren’t mutually exclusive. I have MH issues but I still manage to get up with my babies in the morning!

whatever else is going on with DH, he's very good - very good - at pushing for what he wants with no respect for you or his children.

MH issues are a bit of a red herring here. You getting a better life is not.

He said last night that him moving out doesn’t have to be the end of us. He’s deluded.

Tell him this clearly. Say there is no way back given his selfishness. But you do expect him to make an effort to regain his mental health so that he can properly parent his kids, and so that then you can move on and build a better life for yourself. That might get him thinking. He is currently imagining he'd be able to stroll back in whenever he decided he wanted to.

I. Worried that if he comes to yours he'll really become a Disney dad. He won't buy nappies or food. He'll show up at yours, expect a brew, sit a play, complain when one cries, shouts could you just change one, they're both crying, I can't cope and leave.
Leaving you no break at all.
Do you honestly believe about these voices, or could they be a convenient way to absolve himself of responsibility?

@Butterymuffin he said last night that him moving out might improve our relationship I pointed out we’ll be separated and won’t have a relationship!

I worry he won’t do much to sort out his mental health tbh. He’ll be free to stay up on the PlayStation and live off pot noodles totally nagging wife free. I could be wrong of course but I suspect not.

@FraglesRock I hear what you’re saying and I don’t necessarily disagree (apart from the nappy changing bit, he’s never shied away from a dirty nappy) I won’t be getting any breaks anyway though given I won’t let him have them alone.

Yes I believe him about the voices. I don’t think he’s lying about them. I do believe his MH is bad, but I also believe he’s that desperate to get away from me that it hasn’t stopped him getting this flat in a shit hot fashion!

OP, it doesn't have to be you supervising visits you know. Maybe one of your DP or a friend could do it, and you would, therefore, get a break.

If you have to be there, what's to stop him spending the whole time he's supposed to be looking after the twins, telling you what you've done wrong and how badly he has it.

No contact would be far better.

Sorry but you don’t have any legal right to tell him he can’t see the children alone right now.

You need to see a solicitor to formalise visitation & make a plan so that your custody is sorted.

He may be a Disney Dad but he also has as much right to say he

Yes, you can use his story about hearing voices against him, but There is no actual evidence he has anything other than depression or anxiety - that is what he is being treated for. We’re you actually there during that GP visit where he claimed to have told them about the voices ? Why was he not referred to a psychiatrist ?

When you try to use his mental health against him, I suspect he is going to make you out to look bad - that you are victimising someone with depression / anxiety. Plenty of parents gets custody while also battling those.

At the end of the day, he has never been so unstable as to be sectioned, no police involvement due to anything mental health related... what evidence is there for you to prove he is actually unable to have visitation due to “voices” ? Nothing. A judge will dismiss your case for supervised visits as much as I have dismissed his voices story. Because of a lack of evidence supporting that to be true.

I think you’ve been the mother figure in this relationship but you can’t unilaterally decide he does not get to have the twins on his own. Whether he chooses to fight you on that is unclear.

What I am saying is the hearing voices is just a story. You have no right to his medical records for GP visit where he supposedly revealed this info. He has no psychiatric team, no hospital admissions.

You will Be laughed at if you try to stop him having visitation based on this alone. He could well say YOU are the unstable one making wild claims & that is going to reflect poorly on you. It will look like you are trying to prevent him having a relationship with his kids.

You either need to find some solid proof he hears voices - texts, medical records, prescriptions for antipsychotics... attend as many doctors visits you can so you were actually there & can prove it.

He is already gaslighting you by insisting you told him to move out & that he informed you he was going to look at that property. He is bold faced lying to you & you’re in a state of confusion.

@noneedtoberudedear it made me LOL to hear that he thinks him moving out might improve your relationship, and your reply he really is kidding himself isn't he?! and eat it or what.....

On a serious note, please do make that solicitor visit, as @prawnsword is quite right that you need everything formalised ASAP. Also (and not to depress you too much) but he is still your next of kin, and should anything happen to you, presumably the DTs will automatically go to him to be brought up. If you don't want that to happen then you need to make your wishes on that front that clear, and nominate someone else (your DM? DF?) to be your next of kin and speak for you if you can't for whatever reason.

(I have a close female friend who made a will to specify that her DS should not be brought up by his DF, her DP who walked out on them when DS was 18mo. Her DP is immature, irresponsible, doesn't pay what he should and can't cope with their DS's medical needs - doesn't even try. She can cope with low level contact but hated the thought of their DS living with him permanently - even if her ex wanted him to, which frankly he doesn't!)

And yes, I can completely see your DH being a Disney dad (once he's had a good few weeks of doing exactly what he wants, when he wants with no small DC around to cramp his style.....). Not that often and not for very long because I can't envisage him making his bachelor flat toddler-friendly! Still, your loss will be his local takeaway shop's gain, I imagine....