DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

are you going to counselling OP because from your recent posts it sounds like he doesn’t want to go

He doesn't want the guilt of actively deciding to go. If you tell him to go it will be all your fault and he will be the innocent victim.

Who takes care of the day to day shit? Laundry, meals, life admin? If it is you, then stop providing that support for him. Make him deal with adult life on his own. Go grey rock on him. Personally I wouldn't be able to give him the satisfaction of kicking him out and playing the victim, but only you can make that call for yourself.

You could say “I will never break up with you ever. If you want to go you will have to do it.”

Make it clear to him your stance ! It sounds like he is really trying to weasel out by saying “she kicked me out”. I know it sounds crazy but some people really will do anything to not be the bad person!

The fact he claims mental health issues but now won’t go to counselling...Is significant.

He doesn’t want it to be made out like it’s his fault, yet he claims he has serious mental health issues that are currently not being treated or managed effectively & he doesn’t want to go & talk to anyone about that?

Doesn’t he hears voices ??! Why isn’t he begging to go see a psychiatrist ?

It’s all a lie & am sorry to say there is probably an Ow or groupies he visualises. You have no involvement in his musical world. I think there is so much you don’t know he is hiding.

Have you ever looked at his phone ?

So much ableism on here it is shocking.
Mental illness can be as disabling as any physical disability.
A person does not choose to have a mental illness to the degree it is completely disabling, it just happens. You can become too sick to take care of yourself or even advocate for real medical care.
Her husband isn’t getting that care he needs for his MH if he’s only seeing a GP. He needs an urgent referral to a psychiatrist. Moving out is prime place to become suicidal without anyone noticing.

Op. Yes go with him to the GP and demand he be urgently referred for psychiatric assessment. If you have the means, consider privately doing this. It will be cheaper and more help than a flat. THE U.K. NHS is well known for poor mental health care.

There’s quite an age gap between the two of you then op? Do you think that’s a factor?

I think you should just bite the bullet and ask him to move out ... he is always going to play the victim , my view of him has been more and more confirmed the longer you've posted.

As with my friend whose lost 15years of her life and damaged children. Please give yourself a break.

@prawnsword We have our first counselling session with Relate tomorrow. He says he’ll go but he’s also been trying to discuss things with him tonight and then goad me when I wouldn’t give him the ‘right’ answer. I’ve told him he can move out if it’s what he wants but it’s his decision to make.
We are going to see his GP tomorrow regarding a psychiatric referral. He’s just said tonight that the Relate sessions aren’t ‘real’ counselling because there’s both of us there

I don’t look at his phone and he doesn’t look at mine.

@CraftyYankee I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning etc. I barely do his laundry though. I’ve got enough to get through with the twins. I hear what you’re saying but I don’t want to grey rock him. I do believe he is legitimately struggling (as well as being a bit of an arse) and I don’t want to make things worse.

@PlanDeRaccordement unfortunately we can’t afford private treatment but I will definitely be pushing for a psychiatric referral tomorrow. I’ve told him he had to tell GP everything he has told me regarding hearing voices etc.

@RJnomore1 Weirdly I felt the age gap less when he was younger! He seems
To be getting more immature the older he gets.

He’s also told me tonight that he thinks he’s done everything he can to make our marriage work. It’s such an untrue statement that it’s almost laughable. I don’t think I’ve done enough myself
So how the hell can he?

Because it isn’t what he wants love.

So he is abandoning his family with the excuse of his mental health illness instead of looking for something else that would help improve it

Yeah what Hithere said.

Walking off into a whole new life free of wife, children, family responsibilities. How nice. No wonder he's perkier lately.

The utter cheek of him. Beyond selfish.

Don't let him pop in and out of your life OP. I'm sure you'll find his visits will become infrequent anyway

How did Relate go op?

It is true that relate is relationship counselling. It cannot help with mental illness. That’s probably what he means by not real therapy...it does nothing to the root of the problem which is his mental illness.

Glad you are going to GP with him. He does need to be honest about everything. Hearing voices is a symptom of psychosis and can be successfully medicated with aripriprazole. A psychiatrist really needs to assess him.

yet he claims he has serious mental health issues that are currently not being treated or managed effectively & he doesn’t want to go & talk to anyone about that?Doesn’t he hears voices ??! Why isn’t he begging to go see a psychiatrist?

Prawnsword, it is not as simple as wanting to get help to then go get help. There is the fear of the social stigma against the mentally ill. He is in real danger of losing his job and all future jobs. Another illness where people hear voices is paranoid schizophrenia- he will never work again if he gets diagnosed with that. People are rightly terrified of going to a psychiatrist and getting a diagnosis because that label can completely change you from contributing, normal member of society who has gotten a bit depressed to seriously mentally disabled and an object of pity.

@Dogladyxo it was gruelling. He didn’t open up loads but he did speak. I think I did more talking though. At the end the counsellor asked what we ideally wanted for the relationship. I said more support and he said that the best we can hope for is to not hate each other and co parent!
But then when we left we asked me again if I don’t want him to move out. We’re not really speaking now as he told the counsellor we’d fight when we got home and I’m determined he won’t be proved right!

@PlanDeRaccordement the GP is going to make a mental health referral for him and said somebody should be in touch soon. So I guess we just have to wait until then.

I asked him today why he said he thought he might be a narcissist. He said it’s because he sometimes just doesn’t care or feel anything for anyone...including me. He said people can be happy or sad and he can’t even empathise.

I feel like my husband has basically been replaced by a stranger. I’m so sad right now.

". I said more support and he said that the best we can hope for is to not hate each other and co parent!"
He told you clearly- he wants out.
I am facepalming, proving him right?
This is not a game! This real life and you lose everyday for not getting control of your life.

You truly need counseling to get out of your denial.
I also question your MH and maturity. Something is really wrong here that you haven't told us.

Yep.

He wants out but doesn't want to be 'that guy who left his wife and baby twins to go off socialising and shagging around'. He wants to be 'that guy whose wife couldn't cope with his poor MH and kicked him out'.

He's trying to manipulate you into leaving him. Interesting about the narcissist thing, he's either reading up deeply into what he thinks is wrong with him (hello, Dr Google) without actually taking his findings to a real doctor (which at least shows some kind of inner awareness), or he's been on here or some other forum and fixated on 'narc partners' being a main reason relationships break up.

Which do you think it is, OP? Because either way it's quite a manipulative term to throw about with a partner.

What @Zaphodsotherhead said

@Zaphodsotherhead I honestly don’t know how I feel about the narcissist thing. I was shocked to the core when he said sometimes he just doesn’t care about me or feel anything for me. The counsellor tried to put the spin on it that it’s his depression talking, but I’m really not so sure?
He did say he’d thought it after googling his symptoms. It’s the first time I’ve ever thought that about him in seven years so I’m just totally

I think he’s trying to get me to throw him out as well; which is ironic given he has nowhere to go atm. I’ve told him he’s free to leave if he wants to, but that doesn’t seem good enough for him. I think like you say he’s scared of looking like the bad guy.

Who cares how he wants to spin who the bad guy is?

Honestly, if somebody comes to me with that version, I would take it with a grain of salt.
If I know the kind of person he is (he is not going to change who he is just and what he does because he moves out), I would think what kind of crap he put his family through and good for you not to settle for a manipulator.
If people know you, they won't automatically take his side and give you the evil eye.

What do you think when a guy says all his exes are witches?
Whose fault is it?

1. He has a bad picker and chooses unsuitable women to be with- he is the common denominator
2. How did he treat them for those exes to become so hostile?

Same as the deadbeat father whose xwife don't let him see the kids..... there is always more to it

What strikes me is that although he’s had help (and it might not have been the right help) he’s not followed through or committed to it. Surely if he wanted to improve his mental health he’d take anything going to at least try and get things to improve. Part of me thinks he just doesn’t want the commitment children bring especially when twins are involved and he wants to be free but doesn’t want to do the leaving.

I’m raising three kids (I do have a dh) but two have disabilities with one having extremely complex needs and a health condition. It’s very very hard. I feel very low a lot of the time. I don’t do any activities as mentally I’m burnt out. But I don’t give up.

What I see is a man who is making no effort to improve his life or mh.

@Silencedwitness He says he’s kept quiet about how bad he’s been feeling because he didn’t want to add extra stress to me. I always say it’s the babies that matter now, so I think he’s interpreted that as it’s ONLY the babies that matter now.

He hasn’t really worked that hard on his MH. That’s what I find so upsetting. He hasn’t really tried and now he wants to give up. Unfortunately he thinks that he has tried, so I really don’t know what else I can do?

"so I really don’t know what else I can do?"

If your daughter was telling you all this, what would you tell her?

@noneedtoberudedear I'm so sorry your Relate session has left you upset. It does sound like your DH is withdrawing from the relationship and as PP have said, trying to make you take on the role of 'bad guy' so he feels less bad about leaving his DW and DC

If you did 'throw him out'/ ask him to leave, would that assist his social housing case? Would he be entitled to any more/ quicker help with his MH? I only ask because when things were very bad between DP & I, I was told by our local council that I'd be higher priority if he told me to leave; but then, it's DP's house and we live in an area with a shortage of social housing, might not be the same for you.

And I don't know what you can do either if he's not willing to at least try to make things better, put a bit of effort into the relationship. As @Hithere2 has put it, how could you advise your DD? Is there anything else you can think of - any MH charities who could perhaps get involved and press his case with the GP? Or do you feel like perhaps you would be better off apart, either short or long term?

@RubySlippers77 He went to look at a house yesterday without even telling me! Ge told me the HA had contacted him about it but not that he was actually going to look at it. We’ve had words this morning and he says he’s going to take it.

So there you go. He can get to fuck right now quite frankly.

Tell everyone now, that he claimed he was having a breakdown and was secretly renting a bachelor pad. He won't like that. Make it harder for him to live a lie.