DH and mental health issues. He’s moving out.

[noneedtoberudedear]

Long story short...
DH and I have been having problems since our twins were born 15 months ago. It’s been a rough time. We suffered under before they were born (ivf) moved to a different part of country to be nearer my family and babies were in NICU for first month.

Since their birth I’ve watched DH turn into someone I barely recognise. Disengaged from his family, detached, unhappy, short tempered and just generally sad. Our relationship has become one long saga of arguments and recriminations. He’s always had mental health issues (as have I) but none of the medication, CBT etc. is making much difference. However if for some reason he forgets his meds he can barely hold it together.

I finally had a breakthrough last night where he admitted that he just can’t cope! He says he knows he treats me unfairly but his mental health is so bad he can barely keep it together. He says he thinks he might have a personality disorder? And that he isn’t getting the help he needs. He told me he still loves me but he isn’t capable of being a husband to me at the minute. He says he’s going to move into his own flat as he doesn’t feel like it’s fair/healthy for him to stay.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll go to GP with him as I’m genuinely afraid for his MH. We’re also due to start counselling with Relate this week.

Part of me feels sorry for him but relieved he’s finally admitted there’s a problem. The other half wants to strangle him for doing this to me. I’m lost

I would also tell the HA that he has been faking MH problems and won't see the GP, so they might want to follow up medical evidence if he's wanting housing on those grounds.

Oh, and tell the HA that under the circs he's been proven abusive 'DH faked hearing voices round the children so he could leave us to party' and not to let him have anything more than a studio bedsit as he won't be allowed to take the DC.

That will make it harder to move his girlfriend in.

Really OP, if you have any guts in you at all, now is the time to protect DC. The court will want to know what you've done about it, anyhow.

Don't talk in person - he said she said cannot be proved.

Communicate via text message, emails, whatsapp, etc.

You need to find your anger. There IS no mental health issue. He just wants out & is cowardly, however I think you sound deep in denial & not wanting to see the reality that he is gone as soon as his HA approval comes through. How can he say the best you can hope for is to co-parent & you are not able to hear that this is someone who wants out? It sounds like you feel if you keep caring about him & focusing on all his problems it will work it. It will work out, but it’s not likely going to be the way you originally planned & I advise you to prepare for single parenthood now - get ducks in a row financially etc

I say this gently but the age gap & Ivf the odds were stacked against you. There is no excuse for him not stepping up to the responsibility he chose. However, with more responsibility (kids/marriage/move) he is floundering & not growing. He is starting bands & making plans to move out. This is not somebody who seems very engaged with family life. I think you need to accept that your life stages may be different & you have simply grown apart.

It jumped out at me that you had words this morning because he went to look at a property. Isn’t that what this whole thread was about ? Him moving out. Yet today it caused “words” between you & you sound shocked that you weren’t informed he was going to look at this place. But from someone reading this thread I thought this was already understood between you. It sounds like you’re still hoping against hope that he won’t move out & will change his mind.

It is not only the age gap.

That can work out if he - showed by actions- was fully committed to the relationship, had the same short and long term goals, etc.

The reddest flags are his hobbies and how he spent and spends his time, not his age.

And I don't get it. He has been talking about moving out but waitlists are long, he wants to move out but keeps stalling, removing himself physically and emotionally from the relationship, etc.
Now, out of the blue, he is going to look at a place.

What kind of b.s. does he try to get you to buy?

1. He can afford a place financially
2. He has been planning this for a long time behind your back
3. He is moving in with the other woman or any other love interest that is now ready to take him

Dig. There is more than what he told you

I didn’t realise there was an OW here ? Sorry have missed that. It often puzzles me when read about people still living in the same house as their ex because one supposedly can’t afford a rental. Rooms can easily be rented on gumtree et al with no need for a solid rental history. It’s not an ideal set up but I wouldn’t let a liar & chest stay under the same roof just because they would prefer to save up & get their place of choice.

Noooo, that is my theory.

OP is not aware of another woman

Ah yes the Male entitlement of MH. I had a horribly traumatic birth, was neglected by medical staff and nearly lost DD. My MH dropped through the floor and I had PND and PNA. There was genuine concern for my welfare but i did everything I could to get better including ADs, therapy and then more specialist therapy. There was no luxury of wallowing and moving out. I had a newborn to look after and was up half the night. Dh tried to use his depression to get out of engaging in parenting and I still havent forgiven him. We have had a lot of couples therapy. Now I do understand that everyone is different but MH was assessed as being far worse and yet everyone was still putting upon me..dont listen to posters trying to make you feel guilty as if you should prop up a grown man plus look after twins. If he checks out then that's it IMO, he would be choosing a formal separation.

There isn’t another woman as far as I’m aware.

Waitlists aren’t long up here. There is plenty of housing available. This house is in a very undesirable location and has been up for rent since April (I checked it out on the website) It’s a private rent through the HA. You can get approved for a private rent very quickly in our area.

He’s going to have to pay a months rent up front which we can ill afford at this time of year! I’m furious about that. I’m going to have to notify DWP, sort my UC claim out etc.

It’s amazing really. When we moved up here he left me to sort the entire process despite me being heavily pregnant with a difficult pregnancy. Just goes to show he can sort his shit out when he needs to

@blackcat86 I’m sorry your DH was so useless

I’ve told DH we’ll be formally separated if he moves out.

Op,
Calming state facts with dates.

I am worried you may come accross as the scorned woman to the HA, when you are really not.

I hope HA and authorities don't fall for his sob story and can see him for the real douche that he is.

Can you get another ball account, take half of the family money and separate it.
Get on with claims
And child maintenance

@Hithere2 He hasn’t given them a sob story. You don’t need one to apply for a private rent through Housing Association. Anyone can apply. There’s plenty of private rents around this area.

@FraglesRock I have a BA (just nothing in it) I’ll be applying for UC etc. ASAP. He says he’ll give me the money for the babies but he looked quite shocked when I gave him the figure last night!

What figure did you give & how did you reach it? The CMS calculation or is this a financial settlement you’re referring to

At least in the US, child support is calculated using a formula.

Don't make it optional for him - involve the family court in custody, visitation and child support agreements so they can be enforced.

Get a lawyer so you get what you and your kids deserve, not what he says he is willing to grant you

@prawnsword It’s the figure I got from the csa calculator. Just over £200 a week.

He has no money to make a financial settlement!

So you don’t own the house, cars, no assets to speak of ? He doesn’t have a superannuation fund ? What about debt ? Does he have any? Do you have any ?

There is more to a financial settlement than just having spare cash on hand.

No house (our house is housing association) no car (although I’ll be getting one when I pass my test) no assets. I have a small credit card bill but that’s it. He’s only been working seven years, so not much of a pension to speak of.

There’s literally nothing to divvy up. He can walk away with no problem at all (other than paying child maintenance)

We haven’t lived in this part of the country long. The plan was to buy a house in a few years etc. We were practically starting from scratch after moving.

I did have savings but they went on ivf treatment as I wasn’t eligible for NHS treatment.

@Hithere2 he has nothing to give us. He really doesn’t! I want what I’m entitled to for child maintenance but that will be it.

OP,

Please talk to a solicitor. You must. You know to need your rights and your kids' rights, not what your soon to be ex is willing to give you

@Hithere2 He has NOTHING to give us. He works a minimum wage job, has no assets, no savings. There is nothing for a solicitor to help me with. Child maintenance isn’t really a solicitors issue. I’d have to go through the child support agency.

He has the clothes on his back, a PlayStation and some (cheap) guitars. That is literally it!

Get angry damnit OP! You keep making excuses for him! You know he came accross as incapable initially but now can do things for himself..

Take the ‘love’ away and suss the situation out ...

He can sell the PS and his guitars .. take whatever you can get .. STOP making him the victim start thinking of you and the kids!

Are you 100% positive he does not have a secondary bank account etc .. have you looked through paperwork , online wherever!

Thanks Hanab. You read my mind.

He can get a second job instead of the hobbies. He can sell his ps4. He can try to get a better first job.

Please wake the fuck up. You keep putting him first.

Your passive and I am a victim attitude is only hurting your kids.

From the snippets of information you post before kids, he wasn't father material at all. He wasn't husband material either, which makes me think your denial runs deep for a long time.

Talking to a solicitor is basic when separating and divorcing. I am not telling you to do anything out of the ordinary or out of spite.