What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

[UnaCorda]

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

I know I'm way too fussy. Or let's say I wouldn't put up with some of the shit women and men on here do. Late for your first date, fuck off are you getting a second! Red flags you would have let go in your teens and twenties, just stop it going any further right there.

This is me hahaha
Waves at @UnaCorda and @RedTartanLass

My friend is in her early 50's and married a man she met OLD in August. He is definitely punching above his weight with my friend and I think she deserves somebody better than him. But guess what? She decided to compromise and she's happy. I hope it works out and lasts forever.

I know I'm single because I'm fussy and unwilling to compromise. There are men out there, I don't have any problems finding a man wanting to date me. The last time I attempted to compromise and let go of my criteria, I spent a lot of time smiling sweetly and grinding my teeth and venting to my friends. I ended it when I found myself in the Sainsbury's looking for the ingredients to make him a steak and kidney pie using dog food.

I'm infertile so I push away men younger than me that don't have kids because inevitably they want kids. I'm still at the younger guy I briefly dated, who believed my infertile self might fall pregnant and have a miracle baby.

I've stopped telling older men (55+) that I'm a nurse, they literally rub their hands with glee at the prospect of me nursing them when they are old and infirm and they adopt a "you'll do" attitude.

I'm on a timeout from dating because I simply cannot be bothered with it all. I'll probably wander back into OLD in the spring. In the meantime I'm spending time with my friends, doing my hobbies and taking myself on date nights out (cinema, theatre, restaurant etc.)

I have no answers I'm afraid - just throwing my hat in the ring to let you know you're not alone.

Some people are just unlucky and you sound like one of them. Not much you can do when you have already done it.

@ShatnersWig Admittedly, it may take several packs of cards (if the king/queen of hearts in the first few packs are buffoons)

The thing that used to keep me going is...
Yes the odds are not stacked in our favour, over 40s women.

But it just takes meeting one. Just one.

And that could be our partner forever. I do believe that. Still!

You mentioned low self esteem - but one thing that is hugely attractive is confidence. What could you do to address the low self esteem problem rather than the pool of men?

Also I heard matchmakers are becoming more popular due to the hassle of online dating

OP, I got slaughtered on here the other day for commiserating with a lady who hadn't met anyone and thought it wasn't likely - I agreed with her.

Loads of people piled on to say they had met their LTR after 40. Make of that what you will.

The one that drives me nuts is that 99 per cent of advice you get re coupling up is useless because you've done it. It hurt, it cost you and it didn't work. Stop thinking there's something wrong with you.

My only advice is the impossible and annoying. Chill out, enjoy life. Worked for me.

Also I heard matchmakers are becoming more popular due to the hassle of online dating

Be very careful if you are taking about those high end agencies.

Read about this case:

inforrm.org/2018/09/01/case-law-burki-v-seventy-thirty-ltd-seventy-thirty-ltd-plenty-of-fish-too-little-caviar-barbara-rich/

The agency claimed it had 1,500 current active members. The judge concluded that there were only about 200, i.e. a maximum of around 100 active male members, at the time of Ms Burki’s membership.

I'm single. I worked on enjoying that. Took the fact that about half of people I know hate their partners. Separate out your desires, if it's a child you can do that yourself. Freeze your eggs, get rid of that pressure. It's easy to find sexual partners ( if a female heterosexual) just wink. The whole shebang of partner, baby, family etc is a huge pressure. And it's only a thought if what should be. Good luck.

Try a few older men.

Like this thread shows - there are SO MANY educated, nice, hygienic single women on these dating sites. My (male) friend was showing me his 70-something likes on bumble (he's ok, nothing special), and every woman was attractive/smart/had an interesting profile. He's mid 30s, and was looking for a woman in her late 20s. He was automatically dismissing women in their mid 30s because there were enough women late 20s/early 30s giving him attention. And the women in their 30s get all the attention off the 40 year olds and so forth. If you're in your 40s, most the decent 40 year old men are chatting to women in their early 30s. It's just how it is.

I know your post wasn't meant to be funny and I wish I had some advice but the only one cat
Thing made me laugh 😂

Thank you @16Jane1978xx

Might consider that in the spring when I'm less big and more curvy...

Interesting thread. Dating pool in NI is pretty small.. same faces everywhere.

Hard to not feel like a loser tbh. My language about me, not others on this thread.

Maybe I need to work on that..hmmmm

@TheBrilloPad oh crikey that is depressing. I think it might well be true.

Although my absolutely gorgeous early 30s female friends are still having a lot of trouble and one of them is having a baby with someone who is sweet but honestly she could do better. And she was popular on Tinder!

Maybe we should switch to real life only? These apps and OLD are so geared in favour of young women. We need to hang out with early 50s fit men!!

Dating pool in NI is pretty small.. same faces everywhere.

It really, really is.

Plus if you can write the English language with reasonable proficiency and you'd like someone who may he's that, about 70% of people are out

Not sure if it's as bad in other regions of the UK.

On NI dating sites I met (in person) a highly functioning alcoholic, a closet gay guy, and a shallow hal type who bred beagle dogs but called them bagels (seriously) who didn't fancy me and cut the date short with some lame excuse after starting at my face for 20 mins.

*who matches that.

"staring.

What is up with my autocorrect.

@aufaitaccompli. I’m like a size 16 so I have a few extra pounds as my setting 😂. My pics I look slimmer so having that on there at least people can take into consideration. Men can sign up and say they’ll date curvy ladies or not. A bit shallow but it’s amazing the amount of men interested

I ended up meeting (and going out with for over a year) someone irl via a sport/hobby club.

Ironically I discovered he couldn't write English either; so old does have the advantage of showing that early/before you get involved.

What evening classes have you tried, op?

Have you ever tried male dominated volunteering like rnli, coastguard, mountain rescue etc.?

Someone said race (horse) meets are good in another thread.

My friend is on OLD dating is using the shere numbers game. She seems extremely fussy in some respects but has a date a week. Shes had a serious relationship out of it, but back on OLD now.

I think if you kiss enough frogs one might turn into a prince. I am exhausted just thinking about it, but shes mainly having fun looking and getting lots of ego boosts which I guess helps along the way

@UnaCorda. This is what I would do. Join bumble and pay the £8 for a week upgrade. Set the age to a little wider than you would normally. Leave it for 24 hours. The look who likes you and match with them. Then mesage them all.

Op it sounds like you have no problem finding interested men but they are not the right men for you or you're missing the right guy.

I was in a similar situation.

Google vipassana. It is not for the faint hearted. I came out fully accepting of everything about my life. I accepted I had no partner, might never have a partner, but probably would. I relinquished all worry about it. And then as all the clichés go - I met him and we have a child.

I don't know that you will find a guy if you do vipassana. But I think you will feel differently about your situation.

Apologies if this has been suggested (haven't RTFT), but do you go on a good old fashioned girls night out? I know in your OP you said you socialise, but that could mean a number of things.
I can be quite shy and back when I was single, I found a night out with my most confident, chatty friend helped me meet no end of men as she naturally started the conversation and I followed her lead.
I think there’s a lot to be said for glamming up and feeling great about yourself (and to be clear, dressing for yourself, not men) , natural confidence seems to exude and I think that can be so attractive.