What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

[UnaCorda]

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

Rude Please point out where I called anyone a dick.

@MontalbanoFan

This is my point in a nutshell. It’s not such a bad thing. Men who earn less than you are not necessarily deadbeats or gold diggers.

There’s a lot to be said for being adored by a bit of rough

I expect like many of the posters here who are over 35 and single but would in an ideal world would like a partner I have given what is important to me a lot of thought.

Quite apart from the many other reasons why this matters, a bit of rough will not fit into my life. I regularly go to work/social events often black tie where partners are invited. "A bit of rough" as you put it would not fit in at all or would probably think they were snobs. These are people who are highly intelligent very educated and for me that's what makes it fun - the conversations are never dull.

Apart from that money is the single biggest cause of relationship strife.A big gulf in earning means that one person is paying all the time for the more expensive social events and holidays. This leads to embarassment for the lower earner and a sense of paying for a partner in the higher earner. I've seen this often with friends in this dynamic. The higher earner becomes resentful.

It's hard to assess really whether someone is with you because they actually like you or because you are providing them with a lifestyle.

I value ambition and career success in other people because that is part of me. I know myself and I wouldn't really respect someone who wasn't motivated to get to the top of their job field whatever that was.

I could go on but this is something I've thought about in detail. My conclusion was that this does really, really matter to me. I know it restricts my dating pool hugely but it's my choice. I'd rather that that wake up every morning wondering whether he really loved me or if he was there because I'm paying for his dinner at a Michelin starred restaurant.

You didn't. But you are coming across as aggy and annoyed. Maybe you are maybe you aren't. Just saying - perception.

OP I do wish you luck.

@Shatnerswig I meet your criteria. Maybe we should go out some time. Is there a PM feature here?? How old are you?

Sorry I've just realised that we have all rather derailed @UnaCorda 's thread to which I've contributed! Apologies.

To go back to your question @UnaCorda what I was trying to say is the answer to your question about What else you can do is - if as you say you've tried everything - is one of two things

carry on doing as you are doing and maintain an open mind. Switch it up with some new activities you've not tried but other than that carry on as you are and accept there is some luck in this process and that may mean staying single

or

review your requirements and dealbreakers and lower your standards.

That's it really.

@Dorothyparkerscat good for you. I think you have the right attitude a million percent (not a hundred - a million!)

Aw thanks @Ruderidinghood. That's nice to hear.

Still single though and would secretly love a cuddle from a teddy bear of man!

Joking aside, @Dorothy, I DO see your point.
My take on the OP’s situation, however, is that she is longing for some companionship - and I see nothing wrong with lowering her sights in order to fulfil this need.

NOT the need to go out and about all the time with the guy. Maybe sharing some interests with him, but keeping her independence with regards to personal hobbies.

I appreciate that this wouldn’t fit in with your lifestyle, though.

Rude No, just defending the OP a bit from people who could have been more polite in how they phrased their "advice". Jacques phrased it perfectly. It does become very frustrating when people offer advice without reading a thread.

Ok I get that but you specifically tagged me. I did not swear either. I can see why you would tag me though. I'm quite amazing

Also case and point the frustration seeped out onto your messages @ Shatnerswig

I'm a genuinely curious about this and might get absolutely killed for asking, but if you don't want a family/don't want kids/aren't trying for kids/aren't trying to get on a pathway to lead to kids then how come your on mumsnet? I thought it was for mums/mums to be/people trying to be mums?

You're dead right, fancy.

OP, what the actual fuck are you doing on this open forum?

Now I'm not single, but I have "picked up" a few men... walking my dog. You see the same people a lot of the time, and I have had a couple of er, casual enquiries (nothing dodgy!), from really nice men who, if I weren't entangled with dh I'd have been more than pleased with (at my age). I know getting a dog is a bit drastic and a big commitment just to look for a partner, but if you were considering one anyway, it's certainly not the worst thing in my experience for finding a like-minded soul.

'Open forum' being the words here.

There are plenty of topics on here not related to all things motherhood. I put something into google before (low carb diet related) and Mumsnet came up. I realised there are plenty of people here not mums, don't care to be mums and not interested in the mums topics.

Wind your neck in.

Well said, supercee.

Fancytiles Shock horror. There are MEN here. And lots of people who don't want kids. Most of the topics aren't about parenting. And really, it would only take a few seconds to think why people without kids might be here. It comes up every other week.

So wind your neck in. Before I get rude! (sorry Rude)

I'm a genuinely curious about this and might get absolutely killed for asking, but if you don't want a family/don't want kids/aren't trying for kids/aren't trying to get on a pathway to lead to kids then how come your on mumsnet? I thought it was for mums/mums to be/people trying to be mums?

If you were that genuinely curious, you may discover that this forum has a search function where your curiousity may lead you to discover
that this has been asked and answered two hundred million times. Are you that closed minded?

It's an unusually busy forum that is accessible because it is open. It's good place to get advice from women. Even if you don't have children, you might be interested in fashion, threads about dating, holidays, TV etc.

It also keeps your own childfree life in perspective when you realise how many people posting here who have children are deeply miserable, have horrific partners and life problems that mean they wish they'd never had children.

As you were.

@FriedasCarLoad

Exactly what I have found, men around here aren't interested in educated women, it seems they are threatened by them. Currently on a train to meet a man ... it's 40 miles (not a lot) but I think I've crossed off every man on tinder in a 30 mile radius of my house, I'm fussy!!!

fancytiles I see you have posted several times on the Style and Beauty board and The Litter Tray board. Did you really think on parents have views on such matters, and that only parents own cats and kittens?

@stucknoue

Ooh good luck, hope it goes well!

Haha, yes I thought people would go a bit crazy over this question, but I have no idea people have asked this before, havent used it for long as only started once I got pregnant (as it says "mum" in the name) but interesting to know that it's considered a general open forum on anything not just for females with children but for anyone really. Maybe they should change the name to advice-net or opinions-net or something!

@ShatnersWig omg I know there is so much stuff on here isn't there!
I absolutely LOVE the cat posts they are so cute, just it being called "mums" net I just assumed that everyone on here was a mum lol!

And did you assume everyone was also a woman?

@ShatnersWig yup!

Dear oh dear. Must have been a shock for you to find out.