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Original poster

What the fuck else can I do to find a partner?

444 replies

UnaCorda · 10/11/2019 21:33

I have tried: OLD (Guardian Soulmates, Love and Friends, Plenty of Fish, Ivory Towers, eHarmony, OkCupid, Match...) various apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge...), speed dating, singles' events, evening classes, post-graduate degrees, friends of friends, general networking, walking groups, residential courses, singles' holidays, general going out, inc. to films, plays, restaurants, solo holidaying, chatting to people on the bus (occasionally - I'm not the bus nutter), even some talking therapy and STILL I'M SINGLE after well over a decade.

What else can I possibly do? I don't want to be single, I don't want to be celibate, I don't want to be lonely, I don't want to be on my own all the fucking time.

I'm not hideous, I don't smell, not overweight (not that being overweight means you can't be in a relationship), I'm introvert but not paralyzingly awkward in company, I work, have my own flat, lots of interests, and only one cat. I have a very straightforward life with no children or ex-husbands to complicate things. Why is it so difficult to meet someone?

OP posts:
fancytiles · 13/11/2019 13:34

Not a shock, just quite interesting! I assumed from the name that it was a forum for mums to talk about things so everyone on it was a mum talking about babies or random things and I was like should I be on this as I'm technically not a mum yet, but in fact it is just an open forum for anyone to discuss anything really, which I think is nice as it's a lot more inclusive

Velveteenfruitbowl · 13/11/2019 13:34

Some I may not be the best person to ask because I literally have 5 months dating experience which was not particularly proactive but Ive read this book. It’s called ‘how to win friends and influence people’. I know a man, who is very average, nothing special physically, lowish salary etc. But he is absolutely phenomenal at seducing women (and generally everybody loves him). I really really think he’s read that book and put it into practice. Honestly most people could have the world around their little finger if they put the principles in that book into practice. I should probably do it myself but obviously it’s not easy to be that likeable all the time although people tell me it gets addictive. Definitely worth a read anyway.

RuffleCrow · 13/11/2019 13:36

It might be open to anyone but there is the presumption, even on the non-parenting subjects that most people here are either mothers or looking to become mothers. I think that's a hangover from the days before the site became ubiquitous in public life tbh, but it can be a bit disconcerting for those who have been here for parenting reasons since the year dot.

Eesha · 13/11/2019 13:39

@Velveteenfruitbowl so my current FWB is similar, not attractive but has seduced so many women and stayed friends with all of them. It's because he is kind, has that cheeky chappie manner and makes a woman feel good. It's definitely not all about looks.

BuggertheTabloids · 13/11/2019 13:44

Have you tried an old fashioned dating agency? Where they actually meet you and try to set you up with people?
You could try drawingdownthemoon.co.uk - worked for me and some others I know too.
It's cuts out the time wasters!

fancytiles · 13/11/2019 13:57

Anyhow, back to the topic at hand!

@Velveteenfruitbowl I know a few guys like this, and women too. There is technically nothing special about them but they always do well on the dating scene as they have a kind of irresistible charm and charisma. I've not read that book, but have heard very good things about it. If it turns people into boyfriend magnets then I would say it's definitely worth a read!

ShatnersWig · 13/11/2019 13:58

Bugger are you on commission? You're at least the third person to advertise that agency.

fancytiles For a while I self identified as a mammoth rather than a man. Because I wanted to show my support for women and safe spaces and some of the nonsense that was being spouted about self ID. I might go back to being a mammoth, I quite liked it.

Ruderidinghood · 13/11/2019 13:59

@Shatnerswig Wink

ShatnersWig · 13/11/2019 14:29

See, Rude, I'm not all bad!

PerryMasonsFriend · 13/11/2019 14:35

Just reposting what I wrote above as I see people are recommending dating agencies again and this is important:

Be very careful if you are taking about those high end agencies.

Read about this case:

inforrm.org/2018/09/01/case-law-burki-v-seventy-thirty-ltd-seventy-thirty-ltd-plenty-of-fish-too-little-caviar-barbara-rich/

The agency claimed it had 1,500 current active members. The judge concluded that there were only about 200, i.e. a maximum of around 100 active male members, at the time of Ms Burki’s membership.

ColaFreezePop · 13/11/2019 14:48

@DorothyParkersCat the tradesmen I'm know (and dated) aren't actually a bit of rough. They are the ones who have done well so run their companies with staff/subcontractors and they want/have an educated partner. They are the ones who won't run away from you if you say you go to the theatre even though they don't want to see particular productions. However they will go with you to see other productions.

The first guy I met like this was one of my siblings FIL. (He ran a very large national building firm.) The next was wooing a 50 year old colleague of mine who had been dumped by her lawyer husband. Later a friend of mine pointed out there was a lot of their children in the sports I did. Then friends and acquaintances started marrying them.

StormTreader · 13/11/2019 14:51

It's all luck, all of it.
I've met loads of husbands-of-friends that I think are lovely and where we get on - if they hadn't met their wives and had been single when we met, I think they'd have been a decent prospect for me. It's not that decent guys don't exist, it's that they're not usually single for long.

Sadly if you're not a natural 8/9/10 in terms of looks, most online dating guys simply aren't interested when you hit 30 is my experience, I got loads of dates before 30 and maybe 4 since then and I'll be 40 next year :/

IAmBeatrixKiddo · 13/11/2019 15:13

To all the people saying the OP must come across as snappy on dates -- she has actually said the opposite! That if anything she is too accommodating.

And here's the problem I think.

I know a lot of people won't agree, but you've got to make guys chase you. Act like you're a prize (even if you don't feel like that deep down). Don't be needy or too nice or too keen. You can do this with a cheeky humour -- you don't need to come across like Mariah Carey on speed.

It works. It really does. Every single time.

IAmBeatrixKiddo · 13/11/2019 15:14

Not sure why my post has lines through the text! Sorry all.

ShatnersWig · 13/11/2019 15:27

I know a lot of people won't agree, but you've got to make guys chase you.

Would like some more elaboration on precisely what you mean by this.

Ruderidinghood · 13/11/2019 15:37

@IAmBeatrixKiddo it may work every single time with the type of men you go for, but I do not think every single guy is like that, I really don't. I genuinely think there are guys out there that don't play games. I am not saying guys have never chased me but I think in a relationship things wax and wane. So, sometimes I am chasing and sometimes he is.

Mind you, there is nothing more awful than a guy chasing you who you aren't into.

Also, sometimes women think men are chasing them when they are simply being nice and polite. I knew a lady once who thought every guy who met her was obsessed with her and chased her. Of course they weren't - it was so awkward that she thought that. Once she read it so wrong one of the guys had to tell her about herself. I cringe just thinking of it.

Inliverpool1 · 13/11/2019 15:53

Read the rules, bloody brilliant. I’m a feminist I don’t put up with any nonsense or so I thought. What an eye opener it was though

KnickersandGnomes · 13/11/2019 16:08

It's been mentioned here already but if the person has obviously put a bit of effort into their actual profile then maybe cut them some slack if they just send you a 'Hiya, how are you today' type message.

Generally, men on dating websites don't have a lot of success so after handcrafting several hundred tailored first messages with no luck you can kind of understand them resorting to the basics instead?

RuffleCrow · 13/11/2019 16:47

The Rules @inliverpool1 ? Not feminist in the slightest. It actually encourages the worst kind of men and puts off the nice ones, that weird passivity the book prescribes. I did it to the letter and ended up in an abusive relationship for 12 years with a man who otherwise probably would have left me alone, had i behaved like a self-possessed grownup.

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 13/11/2019 16:58

Read the rules, bloody brilliant. I’m a feminist I don’t put up with any nonsense or so I thought. What an eye opener it was though

There's much in those books that is dumb. Their main benift is that particularly for women with low self esteem if you follow them religiously they are a way of externally faking high self esteem and personal value.

So for example a woman with high self esteem is likely to be busy and have her own life. She won't be sitting at home hand wringing about the fact that some man hasn't called her. She will be really busy because that's her life and she doesn't need to fake it. So the rule about don't accept a Friday date after (is it Wednesday?) or something like that isn't necessary for her as she is probably already busy on a Friday anyway if you haven't booked her time.

A woman of low self esteem will see a man as a life filler and will jump immediately to text back as soon as he gets in touch and will drop everything to see him. She'll take a Friday date on Friday morning because she's so thrilled he's texted back. This sends out messages of desperation and indicates she's a likely touch for a booty call. So that rule about not accepting a Friday date after Wednesday is good for this woman as it's clear, simple to follow and stops her following her own instinct of clinging on to any man who shows interest.

The same applies across many but not all of the rest of those rules. It's a method to follow to fake self esteem and avoid appearing overkeen.

perplexedagain · 13/11/2019 16:59

Hi OP, two of my best friends are single and have been for decades.They have had relationships in that time but things haven't worked out / not the right people. It's bloody hard on them and I don't understand why they are single tbh - I think the opportunities for meeting people get more and more limited and my friends have got more used to being on their own so it's always more of a compromise being in a relationship than it was 10 years ago. I think you are doing all the right things - maybe concentrate on doing the more general / social activity type things like meet up groups / Spice etc so that you at least have a great social life even if nothing comes of it.

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 13/11/2019 17:00

I do think there is much in some those Rules that is based on unfortunate girlie girl v macho man though.

fancytiles · 13/11/2019 17:00

@ShatnersWig each to their own, you can identify as whatever you like!

I suppose it depends on the guy, but it's better to be chased than to be the chaser... I've also read the rules, was a good reas but I didn't really put he techniques into practice!

ShatnersWig · 13/11/2019 17:05

As a man, I don't do silly games and "chasing". Left that behind as a teenager.

As a mammoth, however...

ooooohbetty · 13/11/2019 17:08

I'm pretty average looking and a bit fat. When I was single in my 40's I did OLD because all my friends had settled down and didn't really go out much. I also read the book The Rules and while a lot of it sounds like stupid game playing tosh it works. This is what I did on whilst on OLD.
I think that men in general prefer women with longer hair, make up and a bit of a heel.
Never contact them first on OLD. Make sure your profile is different. I didn't have a photo on but men contacted me because of the profile
Don't dismiss men because of lack of qualifications or the job they do. A degree doesn't necessarily mean he's a decent or intelligent person.
Make the first meeting a coffee. Not a meal or a 'date'. You end the meeting first.

Do not contact them afterwards unless you definitely don't want to see them again. In that case text them immediately.
If they do contact you again don't be too available.
Let them chose where to go on the date.
Don't tell men everything about yourself, especially about dating history and therapy.
I met quite some really nice men (and a couple of horrors) and had a few long term relationships from OLD. Both of which I ended. A few of my friends met their husbands through OLD whilst in their 40's. One had never had boyfriend before. Don't give up OP.