Please help so confused and very vulnerable

[sheryl77]

Complicated situation, but I have no idea about a guy I dated for about six months. He’s basically a friend of the family and someone I work with, so it’s complicated in that I have to see him again.

It was kind of a mutual split, I felt he wasn’t feeling it anymore and we spoke and outlined both of our reasons for not wanting to continue. Basically, it’s to do with family ties and I am going through a divorce. We said we’d remain friends and he’s been in touch most days since we split about two months ago. He contacts me as soon as he wakes up and then throughout the day. We talk about work, life, etc and he’s still very flirtatious.

Went to a party a couple of weeks ago and he told my friend he was ‘waiting for reassurance’ for me to move things forward. He asked me if I was dating anyone last week via text and I didn’t respond directly.

Last contact was last Friday, usual convo and making jokes. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days which isn’t usual so then send him a text to which he replied he’s doing well and in America for a few days. I responded to tell him a couple of places he should visit whilst there and he hasn’t responded! I get I’m not his girlfriend, but I just think it’s disrespectful to ignore my texts (can see he has been online).

My family and his friends say he’s a good guy and last week he was telling me is feels lucky to be in my life and he’s told me a few weeks ago that he’s finding it hard to let me go and I made an ‘impact on his life’.

Is he starting to let me go now?

What should I do if he reaches out again? I can’t block him as don’t have the heart and need to maintain some civility as hes a friend of the family and I am his client. Yet, I don’t want someone messing about with my feelings as I am very vulnerable right now ☹

I don’t want to be at someone’s beck and call, but I just don’t know what hes thinking or how to react now.

Really appreciate some soft words and not harsh words as suffering from depression.

[sheryl77]

@MyMajesty I have seen the light, I just need to see in my own way how to deal with it and walk away with dignity. He won’t know I’ve been a mess over him. I will NOT give him that satisfaction. No way.

[category12]

I'm sorry but you keep giving credence to his rubbish about the bro code etc so obviously it does matter to you.

I am not being provocative - I have picked up on your contradictory statements because I think it's important for you to look at what you're saying and see the mismatch. I admit the age question was a crack, but you're really spinning your wheels here and it's a bit frustrating.

I think that you are using this guy/this situation as a diversion from something else going on in your life.

And I'll stay out of this thread now.

[sheryl77]

I think the best thing I can do is not let him think his games have got to me and he has me on my toes. He has to see I’m not affected by this and like he never existed. Let him stay connected to me on WhatsApp and social media and he will see I’ve moved on. I don’t have to tell him anything. He will see it and know it. He doesn’t deserve my words or any direction action such as blocking him.

[sheryl77]

@category12 Didn’t want to offend you, sorry if I did. He’s given so much importance not me.
It’s just utter bull shit that’s why. He can sleep with me but not have a relationship with me. What’s worse? Hmm think my bro would more pissed that he’s messed me about and slept with me than try and be in a relationship with me and spoken to him about it.

But anyway, he never wanted a relationship and this was from day one though texting he said hard to date because of my brother.

[sheryl77]

You must all think I’m mad. Just a woman that trusted when I shouldn’t have. That’s all.

[MyMajesty]

I don’t want this guy. He isn’t what I thought. At all. I deserve better.

You're right there.
And if you can stay strong without blocking him, that's great.
If he tries the flirty texting again, tell him to knock it off.

[sheryl77]

@mymajesty

Exactly that! I think it’s actually funny now if he thinks he can get back into my bed and flirt to get his way. Let him try and in the meantime I will get stronger, work on MYSELF and know I’m worth SO much more.

He’ll wonder why I’m not pining over him any more. I’m truly done.

[sheryl77]

Too good and too old for this nonsense!

[MyMajesty]

Absolutely! Let's celebrate -

[sheryl77]

@mymajesty - ooh yes please! 🍾😊 Thanks everyone for your enduring support and helping me see the light! This is what I needed for clarity. THANKS

[sheryl77]

Feeling better today ladies, thank you. Haven't texted him back and my mind is feeling clearer (the last couple of days have been very 'foggy'), but having all your messages gave so much clarity and I realise I need to do whats best for ME. Not having him text for 3 days was actually a blessing as it's made me realise I CAN live without him. If he wants my attention, he won't be getting it.

If someone wants to be with you they will, he chose my brother's friendship is more important to him and I have to respect that.

I've changed my mindset to its not that I wasn't good enough for him. HE wasn't good enough for ME.

[MyMajesty]

He absolutely wasn't!

It's a complete red herring about your brother, I'm sure.
If this guy wanted to treat you well and have a good relationship with you, he could have spoken to your brother about it and, obviously, could have actually done that to show he was a good guy.

I'm glad you've seen through his crap.
Stay strong for you!

[sheryl77]

@MyMajesty - Agree. I've been killing myself trying to figure out why he wouldn't want to take a risk, but he had said about my brother from day one when we were texting and flirting initially. We hadn't even met at that point and he's been consistent throughout, so I KNOW it wasn't about me or something I had done.

Either he's not ready for a relationship or just wants to play the field (at 39!), well, good luck to him.

[sheryl77]

I just hope I can keep this feeling up. My parents are here this weekend, so I have a distraction.

[Fizzysours]

Woop woop. Keep it up...the stony silence gets easier. You will catch yourself thinking about him a tiny bit less each day.....speaking from bitter experience of a stupid headfuck boy....that I escaped from HURRAH...took a while but I did it... YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

[sheryl77]

@Fizzysours - Indeed. I have to say he's still the first thought of my day (sigh). He sent a LONG text saying he'd been 'manic busy' on holiday.. NO - you just wanted to keep me hanging.

[sheryl77]

I'm sure he's expected me to respond straight away, or in fact he doesn't even care most likely.

[sheryl77]

I know I did nothing wrong, I treated him well, tried to give him as much positive vibes as I could when we split, but this is about ME now. Not him. Let him move on, I know 100% he cant and won't do better than me (and he knows this). Idiot.

[sheryl77]

He said he doesn't 'put women before friends' Oh my. You will def me single for the rest of your life!

[MyMajesty]

He's been giving you such a load of crap.
If you get thoughts about him, so what? Just don't engage with him.
Don't answer his text.

People on MN often suggest the Freedom Programme - I don't know anything about it but it could be worth a look?

[sheryl77]

@MyMajesty - It's hard not to respond, I find it cruel - thats just me as a person to ignore someone :-(

Ignoring him also means he knows something is wrong and he's got 'under my skin'. No. I'm living my life and getting on with it. WHEN I respond, I will do it in my time, when I'm ready and be totally cool. Don't forget I will have to see him in the future.

I've heard about this, thank you. I will look into it.

[sheryl77]

I'm focusing my efforts on my son 100% now. It feels good. Refreshing in fact to have a focus other than him.

[FourQuarters]

It's hard not to respond, I find it cruel - that's just me as a person to ignore someone :-(

You could call it cruel, or you could call it intelligent self-preservation.

It strikes me that you and he both are acting according to your own narratives. His narrative is that his loyalty to your brother means he can never really form a relationship with you, although it hasn't stopped him sleeping with you and contacting you a lot -- this is a really unhelpful narrative for you, although he's been upfront about his position all along.

Your narrative is that you have to remain civil and can't cut off contact with him, because you have to see him again on a regular basis, professionally and in the context of your family -- this is also really unhelpful for you, because it gives you a continual excuse to keep in contact.

[sheryl77]

@FourQuarters

I'm not sure of his narrative to continually stay in touch. Up until he went on holiday for a few days, he's been in touch most days since we split. I have told him that he doesn't need to keep in touch with me as we are all good. He also doesn't need to do it on a daily basis. Maybe he feels bad, maybe he doesn't. Who knows.

I don't need continual contact with him now. I've getting used to not having the daily contact and I guess he will too.

I'm just giving myself space and I think the communication will dwindle off eventually (which I am fine with at this point now).

Maybe we are just 'weaning' each other off each other. Don't know.

My feelings for him are changing. I thought it was love, but after having clarify from these supportive posts. I realise this wasn't it.

Thanks for much for input :-) Really helps to have different point of views.

[sheryl77]

I've also said goodbye to him on text many times in an amicable way and he keeps going back. I doubt he's contacting me due to loyalty to my brother. If had such loyalty, he would have slept with me.