Please help so confused and very vulnerable

[sheryl77]

Complicated situation, but I have no idea about a guy I dated for about six months. He’s basically a friend of the family and someone I work with, so it’s complicated in that I have to see him again.

It was kind of a mutual split, I felt he wasn’t feeling it anymore and we spoke and outlined both of our reasons for not wanting to continue. Basically, it’s to do with family ties and I am going through a divorce. We said we’d remain friends and he’s been in touch most days since we split about two months ago. He contacts me as soon as he wakes up and then throughout the day. We talk about work, life, etc and he’s still very flirtatious.

Went to a party a couple of weeks ago and he told my friend he was ‘waiting for reassurance’ for me to move things forward. He asked me if I was dating anyone last week via text and I didn’t respond directly.

Last contact was last Friday, usual convo and making jokes. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days which isn’t usual so then send him a text to which he replied he’s doing well and in America for a few days. I responded to tell him a couple of places he should visit whilst there and he hasn’t responded! I get I’m not his girlfriend, but I just think it’s disrespectful to ignore my texts (can see he has been online).

My family and his friends say he’s a good guy and last week he was telling me is feels lucky to be in my life and he’s told me a few weeks ago that he’s finding it hard to let me go and I made an ‘impact on his life’.

Is he starting to let me go now?

What should I do if he reaches out again? I can’t block him as don’t have the heart and need to maintain some civility as hes a friend of the family and I am his client. Yet, I don’t want someone messing about with my feelings as I am very vulnerable right now ☹

I don’t want to be at someone’s beck and call, but I just don’t know what hes thinking or how to react now.

Really appreciate some soft words and not harsh words as suffering from depression.

[sheryl77]

Im going to find it VERY hard to move on. I'm not the kind of person that can block someone or ignore texts. I'm conflicted between telling him what I think or walking away in silence?

[category12]

I'm not the kind of person that can block someone or ignore texts. I'm conflicted between telling him what I think or walking away in silence?

That's very contradictory. If you can picture yourself walking away in silence, then why can't you ignore texts?

I don't know what you think blocking someone or ignoring texts from someone means about you as a person, but maybe you should examine that. You don't have to make yourself available for any fool that wants to pull your chain.

He hasn't done anything to your brother.

[sheryl77]

@category12 - probably sounds conflicted as I am very confused.
I see blocking or ignoring texts as being rude, but he's done the same.

He's made such a big deal about my brother and how hes such a good friend and how it was disrespectful to him and 'bro code' don't date each others sisters, so he has disrespected me brother as my brother wouldn't like the ways he has 1)Treated me 2) Disrespected him by entering into a 'relationship' that he had no intention of going ahead with.

In my mind, he wanted one thing and now he's maybe still after it (I am presuming from his very flirtatious texts).

I will not be a puppet on a string, but I almost feel in this moment to play him at his own flipping game IF this is what he is doing. However, not all posters are saying the same, so I am even more confused to be honest.

[category12]

One person said he sounds like a decent sort. Everyone else has said flogging dead horse or variants thereof.

The bro code at your ages? My eyes can't roll enough.

[sheryl77]

Yes, he's probably not the most mature person. Evidently. Well, he broke the 'bro code' so its all bullshit. Isn't it.

I was happy to be his friend, as I do like him as a person, but when he's being flirtatious and sending mixed messages I wonder whether we should try again. Evidently, this isn't meant to be.

[Bluntness100]

I actually see no issue with him not responding on vacation with time difference and how busy he will be.. I think you're being a bit needy here, which should tell you all you need to know about your true feelings.

[category12]

I think her feelings are not the thing in doubt, Bluntness.

[sheryl77]

@bluntness100 - thanks for your comment and I did say I respected his time to himself, but it doesn't take 10 secs to send a response when he's been online.

I know I like him. A lot. To the point of falling for him, but I have to stop these feelings IF he is a player. I've no idea now.

[sheryl77]

He's given me a lot of his time and vice versa. I think I'm going to just take some time and space to myself and come back with a clearer head. If he texts me, I will respond when I am ready and have clarity as my head is all over the place.

[Bluntness100]

I don't see how you've come to the conclusion that he's a player because he hasn't responded to your texts on holiday.

Honestly, this is all a bit desperate. It's like you ended it but didn't wish to, and now you want him to chase you to prove he is feeling it. And any delay in doing so, you take as a bad sign.

Really try to calm down. The guys on holiday, you're not even in a couple. He doesn't need to respond to you when he's away. Just try to take it easy, and if you're interested in seeing him again when he gets back, tell him that, but stop playing these he loves me he loves me not games in your head.

[sheryl77]

@bluntness100 - I didn't come to this conclusion because he's on holiday. It was from what other posters were saying on his behaviour overall.

Yes, you are right. I want him to chase me.

I will take it easy now and stop over analysing everything. You are right, we are not a couple and he has no obligation to me.

I just don't know what his intentions are now keeping in touch with me all the time (apart from when he's on holiday) and I'm really confused. Thats all.

My friends also told me to just play it cool and not overthink so thats what I will do.

No-one knows my situation, only I do and what was between us so I guess I can only take everyones opinions and come to a conclusion myself.

I really appreciate everyones posts x

[Moomin8]

I think if he was worth your time he wouldn't leave you in any doubt tbh.

However, what I would suggest is asking to meet him face to face. Say 'I need to know where we stand with each other. Are we going to make a go of this or not?'

His response will tell you whether it's worth continuing or not.

[sheryl77]

@moomin8 - I think he's very confused as am I. When he spoke to my friend, she said he isn't strong enough to make a move.

Problem is he knows he cant mess up now as I know he doesn't want to hurt me and he probably doesn't realise how I feel.

He has suggested meeting up, just nothing has happened and I really don't want a situation where we meet up and end up having sex. There is a very strong physical attraction to say the least.

[Bluntness100]

Op, honestly hang around here for a while and you'll see the advice is very often one of doom.

Go with what your friends said, play it cool. Just chill. See how you feel when he gets back. Stop expecting him to chase you on holiday. You're both adults and that's just not what equal relationships are about.

So chill, he will contact you. Remember he also doesn't know what you're thinking. See how it goes when he gets back and go for a drink. This is all just too much and not healthy.

[sheryl77]

TBH its a situation where neither of us seem to be willing to take the next move.

[sheryl77]

@bluntness100 - thank you for your comments again :-)

Agree, I do realise everyone needs space and I don't want to be that needy woman.

No, he doesn't know what Im thinking and vice versa, thats the problem.

It's not healthy, I just need to focus on ME and if he comes back great, if not, it wasn't meant to be and he's not the guy for me either.

He told me I overthink situations and I really do. I have a very demanding job (Im off today lol) and I just need to keep myself busy and take my mind off it. If and when he gets in touch will just play it chill and act like haven't noticed he hasn't texted back.

[Annasgirl]

Hi OP, I am not a prophet of doom but I echo others that he is 38 and does not sound mature. You are 42, please let this go and find someone who is not in your family circle. I would laugh in the face of a man who used the "bro code" words with me - is he from Compton????

I also would not date my brothers best friend at any age - life is too complicated and there is no such thing as "the one' - we are on a planet of over 7 billion so you can find someone else.

You were in a relationship for 17 years - do you have DC? I only say this as perhaps you should think as a parent if you want to give this much headspace to a new relationship. If you have no DC, then could you find a club or join a new group activity - not to meet a new man per se, just to meet new people so you can stop obsessing on this man.

And take care of your mental health - he might not be the best person for you now, maybe he will be in a few years but it seems like it is too complicated right now.

I would also block him - and what do you mean you are his client? Does he do agency work for you? Can you get another account manager to deal with?

[category12]

Crikey, what someone said earlier about everything he says to you being Holy Writ was on the money.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I think you know, deep down OP, that this is all on your side. If he were anything like you've posted, ie. love hearts at dinner, wanting reassurance to move forward, you wouldn't have posted the thread... because you wouldn't have needed to.

The thing with your brother is bogus too, it sounds as vapid as it is. If he wanted you as a girlfriend then you'd be that. He doesn't - and your brother's feelings don't really come into it other than that you quite rightly think your brother wouldn't like this man having messed you about. It impacts on your brother's self-esteem as much as yours, by the way.

You have feelings - he doesn't - not that I can see from your posts. I'd also wager that you've posted the 'highlights' rather than the low points but posters here are adept at picking up the signals; it's very easy when you're not the person involved (as we are not).

Go back to friendship and make it very clear that nothing else is on offer. After six months of 'dating' you should be sure of his feelings but, you've made it a point instead to gloss over what is loud and clear for everybody else.

It's not a reflection on you, not at all, but don't want any more time with pointless navel-gazing about this fool. When he finds somebody that he really does care for/fall for, it won't take him six months to realise it - and nor will he need reassurance or game-playing. Cut him off.

[sheryl77]

@Annagirl - Yes, Im his client. Agency work. Exactly that.

Yes, I have a son. I will try and focus my effort on other things that distract me outside of this 'situation'.

Will take care of my mental health - yes, very important.

Thanks for everyone providing constructive feedback on here and for those not attacking or picking up on every single word or negative :-)

[sheryl77]

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - I really am confused so wanted clarification.

I have to add that we've only seen each other a handful of times and we got to know each other through text initially for about 2 months so whether thats time to know what one wants, I don't know. I certainly don't.

I'll have to accept that no he doesn't have feelings for me, but thats not what he made out and how he behaved with me. He was always asking me to open up about how I felt and he said if we continued to see each other that WE would develop feelings. Maybe it just didn't happen for him.

He's SAID a lot that indicated I meant something to him, but actions speak louder than words.

Will make it clear that its friendship only (if I decide I am happy with that).

Its just hard as I will still see him in the future through family events and for business and at the moment can barely hear his name without feeling strange.

Yes, if someone wants to be with you, they will.

Im struggling as I said as he knows he caught a good woman with me and yet hes willing to let me go. I just guess I am not the person he wants. I will have to accept that :-(

[sheryl77]

I accept that he's not into me as much as I was to him. But genuinely thats not how it came across. Thats what I am struggling with internally.

[sheryl77]

I also haven't glossed over anything to be honest. I've spoken about the negatives mostly but haven't said the positives about his behaviour.

[category12]

Sorry to keep coming back - but when he was asking you to open up, I'd be surprised if he was being open in return - was he?

It sounds like he was kind of telling you what you'd feel and trying to fast-forward you into declarations.

[sheryl77]

He didn’t say anything, he was encouraging me...why would he do this though? I don’t get it.
Is this an ego thing? Why would he want me to open up if he wasn’t interested in my feelings?