Please help so confused and very vulnerable

[sheryl77]

Complicated situation, but I have no idea about a guy I dated for about six months. He’s basically a friend of the family and someone I work with, so it’s complicated in that I have to see him again.

It was kind of a mutual split, I felt he wasn’t feeling it anymore and we spoke and outlined both of our reasons for not wanting to continue. Basically, it’s to do with family ties and I am going through a divorce. We said we’d remain friends and he’s been in touch most days since we split about two months ago. He contacts me as soon as he wakes up and then throughout the day. We talk about work, life, etc and he’s still very flirtatious.

Went to a party a couple of weeks ago and he told my friend he was ‘waiting for reassurance’ for me to move things forward. He asked me if I was dating anyone last week via text and I didn’t respond directly.

Last contact was last Friday, usual convo and making jokes. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days which isn’t usual so then send him a text to which he replied he’s doing well and in America for a few days. I responded to tell him a couple of places he should visit whilst there and he hasn’t responded! I get I’m not his girlfriend, but I just think it’s disrespectful to ignore my texts (can see he has been online).

My family and his friends say he’s a good guy and last week he was telling me is feels lucky to be in my life and he’s told me a few weeks ago that he’s finding it hard to let me go and I made an ‘impact on his life’.

Is he starting to let me go now?

What should I do if he reaches out again? I can’t block him as don’t have the heart and need to maintain some civility as hes a friend of the family and I am his client. Yet, I don’t want someone messing about with my feelings as I am very vulnerable right now ☹

I don’t want to be at someone’s beck and call, but I just don’t know what hes thinking or how to react now.

Really appreciate some soft words and not harsh words as suffering from depression.

[sheryl77]

To be honest, if he did think I was dating, he's still pursued me thereafter so it evidently doesn't bother him if I am.
Oh I don't know. Genuinely at a loss with this all.

[BumbleBeee69]

It was kind of a mutual split, I felt he wasn’t feeling it anymore and we spoke and outlined both of our reasons for not wanting to continue

Did this happen or not ?

[sheryl77]

@bumblebeee69 - We had a phone conversation (we live an hour apart) and his texts reduced after we last met and I could feel something was wrong. At the same time, I was going through something with my divorce process so I asked him to talk and we agreed to not continue, but to be friends.

[sheryl77]

When my mind is clearer and if does get back in touch again, I really feel I need to just be open with him and him me.
I will have to see him again I don't want it to be awkward.

[Luftschloss]

@sheryl77, while I tend to agree with @Bluntness100 and a couple of others that we simply don't have enough information to go on here, because you are projecting all kinds of things onto this guy, good and bad -- I also think that with each post of yours it's clearer that you are not in any mental state to be dating anyone, even a combination of David Gandy and Mahatma Gandhi.

In short, it doesn't matter what's going on in this guy's head, because your head is not in the right place for this. You don't need to end things in a flurry of hostilities, but I think that for your own sake, you should cease contact and turn your attention back to yourself and your son.

[Bluntness100]

Yeah I'd agree with that, I'm not sure I e seen anything like this before and I'm on here a lot. You're all over the place, willing to change your mind and attack this man when people egg you on.

From what I can see you want him to act like he's besotted, to show how much he wants you, to chase you, and if he doesn't do this constantly then in your mind he's behaved appallingly. It doesn't matter how you treat him, how distant you are, how confusing, he has to do this and not stop, otherwise he's a piece of shit you'll tell your brother treated you badly.

You seem unable to grasp that people have relationships that sometimes don't lead to anything, that it takes awhile to know that, and things can go either way, not every relationship ends in marriage, that relationships develop and should be equal, not some form of game playing or constant reassurance.

I also think you need to take some time out for you. I suspect you've convinced yourself your in love with this man, and are pissed off he's not acting like he's in love with you,

[sheryl77]

I'm just confused, thats all. I don't know what to think.
No my head isn't in the right place for this. The situation hasn't been an easy one as he blown hot and cold, hence my confusion.

Our last few communications was friendly ones with banter. If thats where this ends, I'll have to deal with it. I just don't want to see him again and its awkward.

I also am used to having daily contact with this guy and have been for the last six months so I miss him :-(

I guess I am using this space to vent my thoughts and try and feel better about the situation.

[sheryl77]

@Bluntness100 Yes, I am all over the place.

I don't think I've treated him badly. Im not into playing games, at all. I don't have the energy for it. He has stuck around when I've been confused so I give him credit for that.

I know relationships don't have to lead to anything, I guess this one just made me feel like I had found a connection with someone. Whether it was real, or not - I have no idea now.

He doesn't have any feelings of love for me, I know that. He said when we first started seeing each other that feelings would develop if we kept seeing each other and I thought he meant both of us. I then opened up my heart at a vulnerable time and I guess I feel a bit stupid about it. I told him I like him and care about him - love? Don't know. Maybe its just infactation for someone who showed me a lot of care and attention when we were together and I feel this loss now its not there and no I cant expect this from him now as we are not together :-(

I don't want him going anyway and thinking badly of me. I just want an ending that is not going to make him regret having 'something' with me as I don't want to be 'that woman'.

Don't know if I am making sense...if I didn't have to see him again, it wouldn't bother me.

I appreciate all of your posts. Thank you.

[Annasgirl]

Sheryl.

You had only left your DH or partner of 17 years for 2 months when you started the relationship / flirtation with this man. With all due respect, you are not in the right space to be dating anyone, never mind a family friend and he should know better.

Please devote your time to you and getting over your 17 year relationship before you dive into anything else. Oh, and you do not seem the type of person who can deal with a light and fun relationship so steer clear of these.

[sheryl77]

@Annasgirl - I agree, I wasn't ready. We started as friends and it just escalated.

Also right, I am not really one for a light and fun relationship (casual). I had one in the past and it doesn't make me feel good. But, this was different because it was a friendship and not just a casual hook up (which I've done once in my life).

I think this is what's in my head now that he sees me as the woman he can hook up with and not good enough for a relationship. That's my issue though and as posters have said, I cant control whats in his head.

[sheryl77]

I realise how unreasonable I am being. When I sent him a text on Monday he responded in an hour..and he was in LA..
He just didn't respond to my following texts so I presume the worst.
Its only been 3 days since we last communicated. I know, I know....Not enough to be getting wound up about.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

I'm struggling to understand what you actually want to happen here.

Do you want him to continue to stay in touch as a friend, or something more?

Or do you want to stop contact altogether.

I think you're sending him very mixed messages with the constant texting and messaging.

[sheryl77]

Honestly, I want to have a friendship and I guess see what happens in due course, but he has to be in that place which I don't think he is. He doesn't see a relationship with me and he has said its to do with my brother and he's been consistent with this message all along.

All honestly, my brother wouldn't agree as he knows I am not in a good place to be dating.

He's messaged me more thats the thing. He still sends me morning texts at 6am and throughout the day like we were together and I reciprocate..

[sheryl77]

I miss spending time with him. That I know for sure. However, I know if we see each other we will end up sleeping together and that wouldn't be a good situation to be in.

[sheryl77]

He just texted....My parents are coming tonight to help me out as have some other things going on that need my attention so will wait off on response..

[KOKOagainandagain]

He started of as someone you knew as your brother's friend, not your friend. Being a good friend is not the same as being a good partner. He only started flirting when he knew the break up of a long marriage would render you more vulnerable than usual.

Your boundaries are weak and he can push them. You say no FWB. Dating has to be an option from the start if you 'click' but he says he can't date you because of your brother.

You don't say 'shame' and move on because your needs are incompatible. If he was an honest person he would accept this as a firm boundary but he doesn't. He says 'let's ignore that boundary see how it goes' which you interpret as 'he might change his mind and i have it all so he probably will'.

All he has to do is flirt and text-bomb you and then you think he wants a real relationship (despite what he consistently says) and so willingly become a FWB. His benefit that is.

You don't need to say bye multiple times - you just need to say it once and mean it.

He has become your bad habit and made himself seem indispensable by texting you in a similar manner at the same time and throughout the day, each day, for months. When he doesn't do this for 2 days you go into 'withdrawal'.

[AFairlyHardAvocado]

Bloody hell OP I'm exhausted just reading about it so god knows how much of a rollercoaster it must be in the thick of it.

You're giving this so, so, so much headspace that it's becoming all consuming.

There really is only one key question: Is the relationship currently having a healthy influence on your life?

Obviously the answer is no, so now you can either accept that and move on or you can discuss it with him like adults and act accordingly.

I don't want to sound mean OP but this is the kind of state me and my friends would get into in our late teens. I honestly thought you were going to be 18/19 max. It sounds very dramatic and I don't think you realise how unhealthy it is to be so preoccupied and read so much into every interaction.

As a whole this relationship isn't making you happy, whatever it's status is at the moment. You are confused, anxious and your self esteem has likely taken a battering.

Time to focus on yourself and stop obsessing over this

[KOKOagainandagain]

Also repeated comments re 'playing him at his own game' screams of codependency. A year ago you weren't dependent on him. Were you codependent to your ex?

[sheryl77]

I’m past playing him at his own game as one poster said I don’t know really what it is. My ax husband was very controlling and manipulative. The main reason I left.

[sheryl77]

We started talking for work on Facebook as we were already friends. He asked for my number and then he gave me his. Yes he know from the initial discussion that I had just left my husband...looking back now he was asking lots of questions about whether I wanted a relationship and whether I dated a particular type of man..referring to his nationality..

Then we got to know each other via text for two months and though working together.

He can flirt with me but I won’t reciprocate any further. I’ve done well so far not to text him back and I won’t until I have clarity.

I do miss him but we are on different pages. Unless he can give me what I want (which is unlikely), I won’t be FWB. If he starts to go down that road via text or conversation by flirting I will have to discuss with him.

I don’t think he’s in that place anyway.

Yes it’s all a bit childish, I agree.

Quite honestly we should have just had a fave to face convo and get it all out in the open (including boundaries).

[sheryl77]

It was healthy until we split and then emotions and misunderstandings got in the way (as it does when you split).

I’m sure he’s perfectly fine, but yes my self esteem has taken a hit.

Genuinely thought we were a very compatatible fit, but honestly we only saw each other a handful of times as he doesn’t live near me so it just got to a point where I started to fall for him and he bailed.

[sheryl77]

I almost wish I could just have casual relationships as every woman has needs, but it just doesn’t work for me :-(

[sheryl77]

I think this was a nice distraction to what is currently happening in my life (pending divorce) and it made me feel good. Obsessing over it isn’t healthy but I guess I use it to distract myself over my current situation.

[sheryl77]

Every time I try to say goodbye he comes back!

[rvby]

You've posted about this before, I recognise the details.

He's a wanker op and it's extremely obvious. He tells people what they want to hear, plays both sides, keeps you hanging to boost his ego, etc. Your brother's involvement and how this guy would keep everyone sweet to keep his friendship with your brother, including "letting you down gently" aka pretending he is pining for you or "seeking your reassurance" when it's patently obvious he's not concerned with anyone but himself, I'm sorry, that's all massive waving red flags screaming at you to keep away.

For future reference just never ever forget, it's not meant to be difficult. If someone makes you feel this way, it's super super simple, that means that they are not for you.

Stop worrying about him and how he feels. Focus on yourself.