Please help so confused and very vulnerable

[sheryl77]

Complicated situation, but I have no idea about a guy I dated for about six months. He’s basically a friend of the family and someone I work with, so it’s complicated in that I have to see him again.

It was kind of a mutual split, I felt he wasn’t feeling it anymore and we spoke and outlined both of our reasons for not wanting to continue. Basically, it’s to do with family ties and I am going through a divorce. We said we’d remain friends and he’s been in touch most days since we split about two months ago. He contacts me as soon as he wakes up and then throughout the day. We talk about work, life, etc and he’s still very flirtatious.

Went to a party a couple of weeks ago and he told my friend he was ‘waiting for reassurance’ for me to move things forward. He asked me if I was dating anyone last week via text and I didn’t respond directly.

Last contact was last Friday, usual convo and making jokes. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days which isn’t usual so then send him a text to which he replied he’s doing well and in America for a few days. I responded to tell him a couple of places he should visit whilst there and he hasn’t responded! I get I’m not his girlfriend, but I just think it’s disrespectful to ignore my texts (can see he has been online).

My family and his friends say he’s a good guy and last week he was telling me is feels lucky to be in my life and he’s told me a few weeks ago that he’s finding it hard to let me go and I made an ‘impact on his life’.

Is he starting to let me go now?

What should I do if he reaches out again? I can’t block him as don’t have the heart and need to maintain some civility as hes a friend of the family and I am his client. Yet, I don’t want someone messing about with my feelings as I am very vulnerable right now ☹

I don’t want to be at someone’s beck and call, but I just don’t know what hes thinking or how to react now.

Really appreciate some soft words and not harsh words as suffering from depression.

[sheryl77]

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - Thank you! Yes, need to include myself in the 360 view. That's been the problem x

[sheryl77]

@MiniTheMinx

Thanks so much for this clear post and clarity. You are very right, I am very confused myself and I need to find self love in myself, respect myself and know what I want. I was a person that was strong, confident and assertive - I've just lost that with my pending divorce and not really knowing who I am and what I want.

I've really lost myself through all of this and my focus needs to be on my needs and what I want.

My fear is getting hurt as I've just had so much, I cant bear to be hurt again. I will stop worrying and second guessing everything. Back to finding myself and not being insecure.

Thank you so much x

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Great post, MiniTheMinx. It's too easy to just waste time navel-gazing somebody else's view and actions with people who don't have the information anyway.

Sometimes we just have to gaze 360 degrees at what's going on and include ourselves in that too.

[MiniTheMinx]

You say what a catch you are but you are riddled with self doubt and confusion. There is a huge fracture in your self and how you view yourself. I have read the entire thread and it seems to me that it's you that is the cause of your confusion. Not anyone else. You say that you are vulnerable, yes you are but you mistakenly feel that because you are emotionally vulnerable that it logically follows that he has preyed upon your vulnerability.

A much more centred self aware and confident response from you would be to

1. behave rationally
   
2. be clear and unequivocal in your communication
   
3. be honest, open and sincere
   
4. think carefully about what you want, and not be afraid to say it
   
5. you yourself act with integrity and honesty
   
6. be prepared to go after what you want and have the strength to endure set backs or rejection if it happens
   
   
   You say you are successful in life. You are an anomaly then. A successful person can
   
   
7. act in accordance with their own wishes
   
8. take risks and bare the consequences of their own actions
   
9. find new clients
   
   My advice is to get off the internet absorbing everyone else's opinion and transference of their own experience and fears and go be brave!!
   
   He's text, he's called, he's asked to meet. You have nothing to lose by meeting and talking. Stop guessing and anxiously worrying. Instead be strong, confident, assertive and honest. If he wants what you want go get it, if he doesn't tell him straight you are cutting contact.
   
   Good luck x

[Fizzysours]

Don't be embarrassed. He is the manipulative nasty one. But don't put up with it any more as it will make you feel worse and worse. He will find it entertaining to flirt and throw you crumbs for years if you let him. Honestly. YEARS

[sheryl77]

Oh and he also said I seem to think he's 'written me off' completley. Lovely. Soul destroying. Like I'm something to be 'written off'. Feels great. Really great.

[sheryl77]

@Fizzysours - Yes think you are right. I genuinely thought he was genuine. I think he's doing the same thing with me as he is with other women and it makes me feel sick to my stomach that I've fallen for this. I'm trying to be strong but its very difficult. I still have to see this guy at some point and I'm utterly embarrassed that I've been fooled.

[sheryl77]

@MyMajesty - know you have been active on my thread so hope you respond. Feeling very low today. I haven't responded to his messages, however, he called me at work today to discuss projects and he started saying he hadn't heard from me. He then started to spew out stuff like he should let me know when I'm going on holiday as could join me and apparently my brother had said to him years ago that he wishes 'his sister would find someone like him'. WTF!!!! He then said that he wouldn't be happy if I was dating someone in our circle!

I'm starting to think this guy doesn't even know I realise he's trying to manipulate me!

Complete head screw. I'm done with him. Done. I feel sick to my stomach with it all, but I'll just have to live with it now. Its affecting my health.

[sheryl77]

Hi all, thanks for your messages. I needed some time to just get my head straight.

I didn't respond to his text last Thursday and then he called me on Saturday and I didn't pick up. He's been texting me since every day and I haven't responded. Saying he wants to meet up when I am free.

I think I am struggling to think that someone could do this because he is a friend of my family and a good friend of my brothers. Just makes me feel like I am low value to him and I just don't know why. No, evidently everyone isn't as honest as I thought.

I welcomed him into my life at a vulnerable time and he knows this. I won't put up with this 'in limbo' situation as he's free to do what he wants. I think its the classic situation of he doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me thats why he's keeping me stringing along.

Just working on myself now :-)

[Fizzysours]

Keep strong. Please remember the very real possibility that he texts you because 1. It is easy and 2. He just enjoys female attention despite not wanting to offer any real investment. You are still falling into a slight trap of perceiving him as conflicted... 'weaning himself off'....he really could just be an attention junkie with commitment issues. He really seems to be behaving like one. I know that is actually really disappointing to accept, because you are very genuine and want to believe he was, too. Remember...not everyone is, OP xx

[rvby]

@sheryl77 when you say you feel weak today, what do you mean? What are you feeling tempted to do, and what outcome do you hope for if you were to succumb to the temptation?

[MyMajesty]

bluebell34567, I think you're being too kind to the man. He's been giving mixed messages, and has never tried to have a proper relationship with OP.
She needs to be free of him.

[bluebell34567]

yeah, i try to say gently as well that you need to have counselling or therapy asap. this has been going on so long, you need it first for your son-who i am worried about- and for yourself.
also, that man could have understood your problems and might be trying to leave you gently.

[playnow]

I remember going through something similar in my early twenties. It was basically the first time my heart had been engaged in a relationship, and though the relationship was not right for either of us, and it was hellish when it ended, many aspects of it were sort of life changing for me - I suppose that is what happens when you heart is engaged - and that is why I kept going back and wondering if it was meant to be and all that for a few months. From your other threads it sounds like you have days when you hate him and think he was abusive, and days when you love him and want him next to you. It is painful but it does go eventually.

Where there are feelings, they have to be mutual but also both sides need to be on for a proper relationship. The whole "maybe for you" thing is wrong on so many levels!!

I don't want to upset you and so I am going to try to say this gently, but I think your comments about you being great, with your career and so on, are a bit off, and it is worth making an effort to appreciate value in others, even if they are different from you. Not everyone will value the same things you value.

[sheryl77]

@MyMajesty - I agree. Feeling weak again today though.
Haven't texted him back.

I don't have an interest in pursuing things further, because I know I will get hurt again and I cant let myself go through this. Barely slept last night, woke up crying because I feel very down about the situation and also just everything thats happening in my life at the moment.

I feel a loss because I've had his attention for 6 months in a difficult time. I just need to change my mindset about everything and come back stronger.

Today is another wobble day :-(

[MyMajesty]

There must be many people who you have to be civil with, but you don't swap texts with them.

When you say goodbye to him, then he contacts you again, your answer could be "We said goodbye, remember" and don't engage further than that.

Of course you have to deal with it in your own way, not having to do what some internet strangers say.
But do think about what we say as we just want you not to get messed around by a chancer, which this guy clearly is.

[sheryl77]

I've also said goodbye to him on text many times in an amicable way and he keeps going back. I doubt he's contacting me due to loyalty to my brother. If had such loyalty, he would have slept with me.

[sheryl77]

@FourQuarters

I'm not sure of his narrative to continually stay in touch. Up until he went on holiday for a few days, he's been in touch most days since we split. I have told him that he doesn't need to keep in touch with me as we are all good. He also doesn't need to do it on a daily basis. Maybe he feels bad, maybe he doesn't. Who knows.

I don't need continual contact with him now. I've getting used to not having the daily contact and I guess he will too.

I'm just giving myself space and I think the communication will dwindle off eventually (which I am fine with at this point now).

Maybe we are just 'weaning' each other off each other. Don't know.

My feelings for him are changing. I thought it was love, but after having clarify from these supportive posts. I realise this wasn't it.

Thanks for much for input :-) Really helps to have different point of views.

[FourQuarters]

It's hard not to respond, I find it cruel - that's just me as a person to ignore someone :-(

You could call it cruel, or you could call it intelligent self-preservation.

It strikes me that you and he both are acting according to your own narratives. His narrative is that his loyalty to your brother means he can never really form a relationship with you, although it hasn't stopped him sleeping with you and contacting you a lot -- this is a really unhelpful narrative for you, although he's been upfront about his position all along.

Your narrative is that you have to remain civil and can't cut off contact with him, because you have to see him again on a regular basis, professionally and in the context of your family -- this is also really unhelpful for you, because it gives you a continual excuse to keep in contact.

[sheryl77]

I'm focusing my efforts on my son 100% now. It feels good. Refreshing in fact to have a focus other than him.

[sheryl77]

@MyMajesty - It's hard not to respond, I find it cruel - thats just me as a person to ignore someone :-(

Ignoring him also means he knows something is wrong and he's got 'under my skin'. No. I'm living my life and getting on with it. WHEN I respond, I will do it in my time, when I'm ready and be totally cool. Don't forget I will have to see him in the future.

I've heard about this, thank you. I will look into it.

[MyMajesty]

He's been giving you such a load of crap.
If you get thoughts about him, so what? Just don't engage with him.
Don't answer his text.

People on MN often suggest the Freedom Programme - I don't know anything about it but it could be worth a look?

[sheryl77]

He said he doesn't 'put women before friends' Oh my. You will def me single for the rest of your life!

[sheryl77]

I know I did nothing wrong, I treated him well, tried to give him as much positive vibes as I could when we split, but this is about ME now. Not him. Let him move on, I know 100% he cant and won't do better than me (and he knows this). Idiot.

[sheryl77]

I'm sure he's expected me to respond straight away, or in fact he doesn't even care most likely.