Please help so confused and very vulnerable

[sheryl77]

Complicated situation, but I have no idea about a guy I dated for about six months. He’s basically a friend of the family and someone I work with, so it’s complicated in that I have to see him again.

It was kind of a mutual split, I felt he wasn’t feeling it anymore and we spoke and outlined both of our reasons for not wanting to continue. Basically, it’s to do with family ties and I am going through a divorce. We said we’d remain friends and he’s been in touch most days since we split about two months ago. He contacts me as soon as he wakes up and then throughout the day. We talk about work, life, etc and he’s still very flirtatious.

Went to a party a couple of weeks ago and he told my friend he was ‘waiting for reassurance’ for me to move things forward. He asked me if I was dating anyone last week via text and I didn’t respond directly.

Last contact was last Friday, usual convo and making jokes. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days which isn’t usual so then send him a text to which he replied he’s doing well and in America for a few days. I responded to tell him a couple of places he should visit whilst there and he hasn’t responded! I get I’m not his girlfriend, but I just think it’s disrespectful to ignore my texts (can see he has been online).

My family and his friends say he’s a good guy and last week he was telling me is feels lucky to be in my life and he’s told me a few weeks ago that he’s finding it hard to let me go and I made an ‘impact on his life’.

Is he starting to let me go now?

What should I do if he reaches out again? I can’t block him as don’t have the heart and need to maintain some civility as hes a friend of the family and I am his client. Yet, I don’t want someone messing about with my feelings as I am very vulnerable right now ☹

I don’t want to be at someone’s beck and call, but I just don’t know what hes thinking or how to react now.

Really appreciate some soft words and not harsh words as suffering from depression.

[sheryl77]

@bluntness100

I think a lot of posters are saying he’s playing me so I’m confused.
I am going to chill but I have conflicted feelings. Most posters are saying he’s not into me so I don’t know.
He’s 39, I am 42...

[sheryl77]

Old enough for people to know what they want I guess 🙁

[Whathewhatnow]

I think this guy knows exactly where you are and is really, really not a nice person. At all.

Love and sex should be fun. This isn't... not through your making, but still, not good enough for actual, real, adult people.

I am saying this out of a position of true empathy. I've been in a really long-term relationship and met a bloke who, well, we just have The Zing, and lots of shared interests. But... he is a master manipulator and game player like your man here. I'm also a depression sufferer, like you, op. You are 100% right this makes you vulnerable.
This guy isn't going to help your recovery. I'm sure of that. I think he is a way of punishing yourself, actually. He is definitely keeping you hanging and your posts are all about trying to fathom his brain. I think you need to focus in very strongly on what you want and what is best for your family. Not what he wants.





This guy: what is his relationship history???

[sheryl77]

@whatthewhatnow

Yes he knows I’m vulnerable and my friend also stupidly told him I’m not in a good place.

He’s been in long term relationships. He was with someone when he was 18 for ten years and I think mainly long term after that.

I’ve been thinking this evening and he said from day one that it would be a difficult situation to continue with due to my brother.

He’s only seen the fun loving side of me (until we split and I was feeling out of sorts so he got the side of me that I wanted to avoid him seeing). But to be honest, he was cool.

It was fun until we split and I was very confused as he was saying ‘Noone for hurt’ - well I did...
So he clearly didn’t know that I had some feeling for him but then he said it was getting too ‘deep’ and that’s when I felt him change towards me.

I don’t know what I would punish myself for as this isn’t fun.

I’m stepping back anyway. For my own emotional health and to focus on my son.

[sheryl77]

Up until the point that we split, I couldn’t fault him. Genuinely very attentive, very very nice to me - always in touch the morning after we had dates etc.

There’s some red flags and some really positive things so I just don’t know. I probably never knew him.

The thing I can’t get over is him asking me to come back to my place at my brothers house party two weeks ago! Then bailed when is didn’t say anything and said it would ‘look too odd’ is we left at the same time. Just felt like a bait to see if I’d take it.

[sheryl77]

And the way is see it is he’s in holiday and can’t be bothered to take ten secs out his day to text me but will hit me up when he needs the attention when he gets back. Thinking I’m going to give it to him. Well, I won’t be IF that’s his game.

TBH past caring. This was meant to be enjoyable and fun with someone I thought wouldn’t mess me about as he’s a close friend of my family. I was wrong. Evidently.

[Todayisontheup]

Hi @sheryl77, he sounds like a narcissist. I was caught by a man using the same tactics. It was like wading through treacle!

You are feeling insecure and unsure because he is blowing hot and cold. My ex tried to get back with me recently, but I can now see who he really is.

This guy is insecure and is not ready for a long-term relationship. He is manipulating you to believe he wants this but there are all these obstacles in the way.

I finally woke up when I reminded myself that when things are in alignment (buying new place), it is easy, and everything just flows. It took a purchase to remind me of the simple order of things. Some men need to feel needed, by having their ego stroked.

Take time to heal. What I have learnt is that I take time at the start to work out whether the person is worthy of my time/heart and take it slow and let go if I see a red flag.

[sheryl77]

Too many people saying the same thing now. Deep down I had a feeling I was being manipulated. My ex husband was the same so seems patterns.

Too many red flags now. He asked me a few weeks ago when we split if I was going to be in his area that weekend. When I said potentially And asked why he took 8 hours to respond and just threw a compliment my way and didn’t answer the question. He dangled the carrot.

When we first started seeing each other my brother was talking about his friends and he said this guy was the only one who was single but he was sure he had a ‘bit on the side’ - he wasn’t referring to me of course..This was a week after we slept together. I asked the guy I was seeing and he said ‘If I want to believe hearsay that’s up to me’.

I believe he had someone on the side whilst he was pursuing me and he’s also gone back to her now as when I asked him if he had genuinely been exclusive to me he said ‘Yes was exclusive AT THE TIME’.

I’m sure he has other women now and the issue is he’s still trying to get with me. Yes hes single and free but clearly does not respect me.

I’m disgusted at this point that I’ve had someone pull the wool over my eyes and yes I was vulnerable but should have seen the signs.

I’m going to chill but I do feel like having a talk with him and letting him know I know exactly his game and walk away.

[sheryl77]

What a mug I’ve been.

[Bluntness100]

But you don't know exactly his game. You're being egged on by posters to think thr worst. Which is typical on here. You're going to look and feel a right fool if you come Out with this shite about knowing his game if it's not true. Your brothers also going to think you're a nutter.

And right now he's not in a couple with you. You can't be demanding exclusivity and immediate responses.

Don't get me wrong, you might be right, or you could totally be wrong. Your call on how to play it, but I'd certainly not be doing what you're suggesting.

Do you suffer from depression or anything similar? The amount of misery pouring out of your posts is palpable. The more people on here kick you the more you believe them and you're visibly spiralling down.

[sheryl77]

@blutness100

Thanks for your post :-)

It's good to have a balanced view.

Ive just been feeling really low post divorce and this hasn't helped.

Im going to just try and stay positive and not look at the negative as no he doesn't owe me anything.

A nutter? My brother? Why?

I know I cant demand anything right now. I just don't want to be played if he thinks he can be seeing me and other people at the same time, thats all.

In all fairness to him, when he's here heres been in touch as soon as he wakes up, throughout the day and up until the evening and its consistent. Weekends the same.

I cant expect anything and yes I am thinking the worse which I shouldn't be doing.

Really appreciate your post as good to have a balanced view on all this.

Im just going to step away and if he comes back (which I think he will), great, if not, then thats also fine.

Yes, some of these posts are making me feel worse so I just need to think positive until I know what the score is and just live my life until then and put my focus elsewhere.

It takes two to have a relationship and I am not a victim in this. I cannot make myself out to be.

[BuzzShitbagBobbly]

My family and his friends say he’s a good guy

Anyone who has to describe themselves as a "good guy" or a "nice guy" is usual one to run away from very fast.

I would hazard a guess it applies via a third party too in this case. They're trying to palm off a twat onto you.

[sheryl77]

To be clear, he didn't describe himself as a good guy. My friends and family are. He's my brothers good friend and he said the same, he's known him for twenty years so I guess he knows him well.

[Butterymuffin]

I'm with Bluntness on this. You're working yourself up into a state - let it all be and see what happens. When you say
I’m not looking for a life partner at all. I just wanted someone I could have fun with maybe some dating but nothing deep.
In my mind now he’s using me until something ‘better comes along’ and it’s killing me.
It shows how conflicted your own feelings are - you want not to want something deep, but you want him to want that - take some time out, lots of space, don't be rushing to text him but don't get angry at him for not texting either. Aim to fill up your life with lots of other stuff for now, that has nothing to do with him (or your brother) and take a breath.

[sheryl77]

@Butterymuffin

Thanks for your post. I agree - I'm very conflicted.

I think we both need space and thats exactly what he's doing now. I cant blame him and I need this myself.

I won't text him again. As far as I'm concerned, the last time we communicated we were all good. If this is how its supposed to be, thats fine.

We don't hate each other and it is as it is.

[BareKneesDeCourcy]

He’s a genuine arsehole.

He knows you’re vulnerable and wants an occasional shag to boost his ego. He wants to know you want him. Stuff like this never ends well.

Honestly I would block him. You don’t owe him or anyone else an explanation as to why.

Sending hugs ok. I’ve felt similarly rubbish/confused in the past and it’s just not worth it.

[onanothertrain]

I also agree with bluntness. You're being encouraged by other posters on here to think the worst of him. I suspect the reality is that you are too needy and he's just not that into you. I also agree that you risk appearing to be a "nutter".

[sheryl77]

I don't agree I've been too needy. He's been the one incessantly texting me and I've been pretty chilled with my responses since we split.

I said goodbye to him on text many times, he was the one thats come back to me, not the other way around. I said goodbye just two weeks ago and he came back two days later.

Thanks for all your support and best wishes (hugs needed right now!).

I always like closure on things as I don't like bad feelings with anyone. Especially someone I have to work with and who I still have to see and hear about through my brother.

[sheryl77]

If he does want the occasional shag, I will very politely tell him that that's not what I am looking for and wish him the best.

[sheryl77]

Blocking someone just shows them they've had an impact on me and I am bitter. This is exactly what I don't want to show.

[sheryl77]

He asked me if I was dating anyone last week, I didn't answer directly so hopefully he thinks Ive moved on and he's doing the same.

As I said, whatever will be, will be. If I think the worst, it will just pull me down even more and this is what I want to avoid.

[sheryl77]

I agree he wants to know I want him. That's why he keeps putting the feelers out to see with sexual innuendos.
Well, he's a guy isn't he.
@Bluntness100 said I don't know what his game is and probably will never know whether his intentions were genuine, but I just have to let it go now.

[Bluntness100]

So he doesn't even know if you're dating someone else, you admit you want him to chase you, so you want to know he wants you but think he's not th guy for you if he's doing the same?

The mixed messages you've been giving this man are huge, honestly no wonder he's not responding, it must be helluva confusing, I'm honestly surprised he's interacting with you at all op.

[sheryl77]

@Bluntness100 - This is the only mixed message I have given him as I didn't know how to respond. This was only last week and he's been giving me mixed messages so I didn't know how to react to it.

It doesn't matter anyway to him, because he was still making sexual innuendos after I had responded ie the dating.

He hasn't made it clear he wants me and I haven't done the same. I don't know how he feels and he doesn't know how I feel. We were supposed to have a chat but he didn't push it and I didn't either.

I know this all sounds ridiculous but I genuinely think neither of us know what to do.

[sheryl77]

And now I feel bad because I feel I've done something wrong!