Please help so confused and very vulnerable

[sheryl77]

Complicated situation, but I have no idea about a guy I dated for about six months. He’s basically a friend of the family and someone I work with, so it’s complicated in that I have to see him again.

It was kind of a mutual split, I felt he wasn’t feeling it anymore and we spoke and outlined both of our reasons for not wanting to continue. Basically, it’s to do with family ties and I am going through a divorce. We said we’d remain friends and he’s been in touch most days since we split about two months ago. He contacts me as soon as he wakes up and then throughout the day. We talk about work, life, etc and he’s still very flirtatious.

Went to a party a couple of weeks ago and he told my friend he was ‘waiting for reassurance’ for me to move things forward. He asked me if I was dating anyone last week via text and I didn’t respond directly.

Last contact was last Friday, usual convo and making jokes. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days which isn’t usual so then send him a text to which he replied he’s doing well and in America for a few days. I responded to tell him a couple of places he should visit whilst there and he hasn’t responded! I get I’m not his girlfriend, but I just think it’s disrespectful to ignore my texts (can see he has been online).

My family and his friends say he’s a good guy and last week he was telling me is feels lucky to be in my life and he’s told me a few weeks ago that he’s finding it hard to let me go and I made an ‘impact on his life’.

Is he starting to let me go now?

What should I do if he reaches out again? I can’t block him as don’t have the heart and need to maintain some civility as hes a friend of the family and I am his client. Yet, I don’t want someone messing about with my feelings as I am very vulnerable right now ☹

I don’t want to be at someone’s beck and call, but I just don’t know what hes thinking or how to react now.

Really appreciate some soft words and not harsh words as suffering from depression.

[sheryl77]

If someone is asking you to be open about your feelings, to me that indicates they want to know and he’s done it many times, not just once and after we’ve split as well.

[sheryl77]

The positives he’s said to me are I’ve had an impact on his life and it’s hard to me go/ forget me as I’ve left a lasting impression on him he can’t forget. When we were together he said he was ‘living his best life’ (whatever that means).

[sheryl77]

He also said I’m a good, kind woman. Full of compliments and he had amazing memories with me.

[category12]

Well, call me a miserable old cynic but a certain kind of person wants others to open up and be vulnerable with them for a variety of reasons, such as:

• to know their weak-spots and how to manipulate them,
• to create a false sense of intimacy early on to make the other person feel bonded,
• for the ego-boost of knowing they can have that person anytime they want (ie. he might just enjoy the notion that you're wondering/waiting etc).

I'm not saying these are his reasons, but if it's the case that he's trying to get you to spill your guts while withholding himself, it's suggestive of it.

[category12]

I'm sure you are a good kind woman and spending time with you would be great.

See how easy words are?

[bluebell34567]

i've read a very similar thread before.

[sheryl77]

I understand your point but this guy is a good friend of my brother. Have to be some sick individual to do this to his beet friends sister who is going through a divorce. Oh I just don’t know anymore.

[sheryl77]

I’m looking for kind and constructive support here please. I am not in a good place emotionally, at all.

[DeeCeeCherry]

OP you are still going through a divorce. He may not want to be with you whilst this is happening, or even because of it. You seem to be rushing into another relationship and also speak as if this man somehow owes you something because he's your brother's friend and you've known him a long time. It sounds very full on.

You can't control him or his feelings, nor choose his reactions, and all this trying to decipher what he may be thinking feeling doing is just no good for you.

If he wanted to be with you then he would. & he's not. It is as simple as that. If you wait around for him you'll get crumbs at best, because nothing you've said indicates he sees you as a potential life partner . Better to focus on yourself and making a new life going forwards because unfortunate as it is, we can't always have someone we want in the way that we want them. There are different people and opportunities out there if you look beyond, and don't hang onto the thought of this 1 man being your ideal.

Look after yourself

[sheryl77]

I’m not looking for a life partner at all. I just wanted someone I could have fun with maybe some dating but nothing deep.
In my mind now he’s using me until something ‘better comes along’ and it’s killing me.
I don’t see him as a life partner, at least I don’t think so...just enjoyed spending time with him and obviously the physical side but I know that I’m not looking for anything serious, but when it comes to the crunch maybe he would leave me for the person that is his life partner and I’m not ok with that.

Yes I’m focusing on his feelings but it’s hard as I don’t want him seeing my in a negative light as close connection to my family.

I’m going to focus on me now and accept whatever will be will be and he wasn’t a guy I could spend more tome with and it would have got more full on and deeper.

Just need to love myself. I haven’t in a very long time so I’m questioning everything and everyone’s motives that enter my life. Whether good or bad.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

When I said 'gloss over' what I meant was 'give it a positive spin'. That's a human condition and it really wasn't intended to be barbed. I feel very sorry for you and angry at him because he's presented this 'relationship' as something it really isn't. He knows that you want it and it does his ego good to keep you dangling.

In any relationship there's always one who loves the other more. In a healthy relationship, that fluctuates between the couple so there's a balance. In something like this, the one who 'loves less (or not at all)' has nothing to lose and everything to gain by puppet-eering at the cost of your feelings.

If he knows how you feel then he's a disgrace and you'd be best off to dismiss him from your feelings and emotions and never give him access to them again. From what you've posted, he doesn't see you as you see yourself and he doesn't value you. He should have.

Lots of us fall foul of these losers; you're not on your own.

[sheryl77]

I have to be honest here, when we started flirting (well I reciprocated) and we discussed what we could be be said he has concerns because of my brother and he said he wasn’t sure what it could be. I said FWB doesn’t work and I wanted to date. He said let’s see what happens and when I attempted to get intimate ie kissing him on the neck he freaked out!

But he pursued me knowing what I wanted and gave me mixed messages by indicating he felt more (or maybe I read too deep into it).

The challenge I have now is I’m sure he knows how much I like him and he continues to make sexual innuendos and then turns it around on me saying ‘I want more’ when in fact I know he’s still thinking about me sexually.

I think I was his fantasy. I’m his client, older woman, forbidden fruit and well established ie good career, lovely home etc so all a bit of a fantasy.

I’ve known his exes and they are not in my league (sorry if that sounds arrogant) but I do know that I have a lot to give I just don’t understand why he can’t see it. We slept together after 2 months of speaking day to day contact so it wasn’t that quick. Maybe he doesn’t respect me for that but he knows I’m from a good family and not an ‘easy’ woman as been with same man for 17 years!

We have very similar interests and he’s v different to my ex husband so I thought I’d found someone I connected with.

I can’t change how he feels about me no, he says he likes me a lot and respects me but actions speak louder than words.

Maybe I took the morning texts and all day messaging as a sign he was really into me. I’ve been blind sided I guess.

[sheryl77]

He must know how I feel as my friend spoke to him about me. He also bailed when he said ‘things were getting too deep’ but he knew and said that it would happen.

[Zofloramummy]

Walk away with dignity, be polite and stop giving him so much headspace! He isn’t who you want him to be. I suspect he is a bit of a player and likes knowing that you want him.

Of course he is sending flirtatious texts and would be up for sex. A long term committed relationship is most likely not on his agenda.

This has nothing to do with how nice, kind, attractive or lovely you are. There will be a man no doubt in your future when you are emotionally ready for a relationship who can see all those things about you and want the same things you do. This man isn’t him, he is becoming toxic to you and taking your attention away from where it needs to be, with your dc and yourself.

[sheryl77]

Yes maybe. I think the reason why he didn’t want to pursue things and said about my brother is because my brother knows what he’s like with women!

Or maybe I’m just bitter because he didn’t return my feelings.

The thing is I know he wants to get me back into bed and I’m inclined to play him at his own game but it’s not worth my time or headspace as you say.

No he’s not who I thought he was, at all.

[sheryl77]

I don’t want anyone getting the upper hand on me. I may just play his game and let him fall like he wants me to.

[sheryl77]

As you can see I’m very conflicted. I’ve decided I will CHILL and do nothing. No he doesn’t owe me anything, I just want a bit of respect. I won’t be contacting him and if he contacts me I will take my time to respond when my head is clear. He won’t be getting the attention he’s been getting from me, that’s for sure. Save that for the woman that is apparently good enough for him.

[Zofloramummy]

The only respect worth having is the respect you have for yourself. Don’t play games with him as you will lose. Also flip your last statement to - I’m saving my energy for the man who is good enough for ME

[Chattybum]

You are massively overthinking this whole thing OP. Most men really are not this complicated.

Two things: 1. If a man wants to be with you you will know ALL about it.

1. Do not attribute to malice what could easily be explained by stupidity.

I am willing to bet he is not overwhelmed by you / worried about your brother / thinking you are out of his league etc. He is just not in to you.

Hard pill to swallow but very true. What is meant for you won't pass you by, so stop fretting and stop being contacting him or replying for a few months. It's not rude and you can resume a friendship when things have blown over. I did this, I was stumped by a bloke five years ago blowing hot and cold. Decided if he was into me he would let me know and left him to it. He didn't let me know and I met someone much better. And happily time lapsed and me and hot and cold are friends again with no weirdness or awkwardness, so it can be done, so just leave it alone now.

[sheryl77]

I love this about saving my energy for someone else and good enough for ME! Thank you! x

[sheryl77]

Agree, I won’t be contacting me again. It’s not easy to hear he’s not into me as that’s not what he’s been saying but actions speak louder than words. He isn’t mature enough to man up and act like an adult he’s not worth my time or energy.

He has put in ALOT of effort since we split and he didn’t have to, what his intentions are are another thing but it doesn’t matter.

I have to respect myself enough to walk away from someone who doesn’t value me enough or see what I am, but I know who I am and what I bring to the table. A lot more than in all honesty he could ever give me.

He may know what he’s lost in time. He may not, but I know I’m a good woman and have a lot to give. I just need to keep telling myself that and not let anyone de-value me.

I now need to act calm and collected and whatever comes to me in time will come. I won’t waste precious energy on someone who doesn’t see my worth.

[Notthetoothfairy]

People tend to take you at your own estimation so, even if you are a catch, he won’t see that if you seem too keen for his affections. Perhaps leave this one be, I think he is just messing you around.

[Zofloramummy]

Excellent @sheryl77 that’s the spirit! You May have the odd wobble but come back and read those words. You don’t need someone else to define you and what you are worth.

You sound like a lovely person and I wish you all the best

[sheryl77]

@Notthetoothfairy - yes, he caught me at a low point. It was 2 months after I left my husband, very vulnerable. I was really keen to keep him as a friend and he knows this. I said goodbye to him on text a week ago and he still keeps getting in touch so he wouldn’t do that if he didn’t want ‘something’ from me. Well, he can wait now.

[Bluntness100]

I'm really not sure what's happening here. I left it with I will chill and see what happens, to he's not into me, he's treated me badly, he's lost out, he's not got feelings for me stuff. How did that even happen?

Op, if you don't mind me asking, what are your individual ages please?