Please help so confused and very vulnerable

[sheryl77]

Complicated situation, but I have no idea about a guy I dated for about six months. He’s basically a friend of the family and someone I work with, so it’s complicated in that I have to see him again.

It was kind of a mutual split, I felt he wasn’t feeling it anymore and we spoke and outlined both of our reasons for not wanting to continue. Basically, it’s to do with family ties and I am going through a divorce. We said we’d remain friends and he’s been in touch most days since we split about two months ago. He contacts me as soon as he wakes up and then throughout the day. We talk about work, life, etc and he’s still very flirtatious.

Went to a party a couple of weeks ago and he told my friend he was ‘waiting for reassurance’ for me to move things forward. He asked me if I was dating anyone last week via text and I didn’t respond directly.

Last contact was last Friday, usual convo and making jokes. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days which isn’t usual so then send him a text to which he replied he’s doing well and in America for a few days. I responded to tell him a couple of places he should visit whilst there and he hasn’t responded! I get I’m not his girlfriend, but I just think it’s disrespectful to ignore my texts (can see he has been online).

My family and his friends say he’s a good guy and last week he was telling me is feels lucky to be in my life and he’s told me a few weeks ago that he’s finding it hard to let me go and I made an ‘impact on his life’.

Is he starting to let me go now?

What should I do if he reaches out again? I can’t block him as don’t have the heart and need to maintain some civility as hes a friend of the family and I am his client. Yet, I don’t want someone messing about with my feelings as I am very vulnerable right now ☹

I don’t want to be at someone’s beck and call, but I just don’t know what hes thinking or how to react now.

Really appreciate some soft words and not harsh words as suffering from depression.

Sheryl...the advice is to block him for YOUR sanity. It is more important than what he thinks. Care about what YOU think. I guarantee you will be feeling shit over this guy in six months if you don't. As a previous poster said, he will throw you crumbs in occasional texts. Cos it's fun to text someone we know has a crush on him. Cut him off!!!

@Fizzysours Funnily enough two of my friends said he quite liked himself..

@Fizzysours - I actually want to tell him he’s got it wrong ie my feelings for him so I don’t feel like a mug. The way I see it is if I block him and delete him he will know the impact he has had and I don’t want that. Why let him think he is oh so wonderful and I’ve had to block him. I have to see him again so it does matter :-(

He's a nob....I don't wade in and say that, hardly ever. He is though. I have experience of this type. Don't let him take up your head space a moment longer.

@sheryl77

why would someone pretend to pine? I just don’t get it. What does he have to gain in Kyiv to me? It’s not an ego boost to pretend you feel something when you don’t!

OP...
try to think slowly and carefully about this.

1. He has fed you wishy washy words and spread rumours via friends that imply he might be interested in you
2. as a direct consequence, you've kept communicating with him
3. Egos are boosted by knowing that a woman is on her toes
4. Added bonus is that if you ever tell your brother about this, he has been wishy washy enough that your brother may not feel he has a "right" to being annoyed, and may blame you for "imagining" an interest.

It's not brain surgery.

I seem to remember on your last thread, it was the same, you kept insisting that it was impossible that someone would say what they didn't mean, etc.

In the nicest way, please join us here in the real world where people CONSTANTLY say the opposite of what they feel or mean, in order to get the response they want from another person.

Again I am not saying he has feelings for me just don’t know why someone would say things that don’t mean a thing.

Again...
OP...
Literally, people do this ALL the time. They lie, exaggerate, dissimulate, butter up, back off, suck up, and keep people sweet.

This guy may be keeping you just sweet enough to ensure you say nothing to your brother. It could be that simple. As long as you are hanging on and pining, he may know you won't tell your brother about the liaison...

There are millions of reasons folk lie, espeically in love. Have you never heard the phrase, "all is fair in love and war"? There's a reason that's a saying op!

Just tell him you won't be online for a while as you are focusing on other stuff. Then block him. Believe me it is the only way to feel free of the situation.

after we first slept together...he said ‘Let’s see what happens’ when we first had sex. He spoke about us continuing and said feelings wills develop so he knew the risk. Fate/ destiny etc doesn’t really indicate just casual, does it? Unless again I’m reading more into it.

I cant believe what I am reading! OP!! You are too old to be this naive.

For future reference,
"Maybe"
"let's see"
= I am definitely not into you, but I will say just enough that I can get some extra shags before you realise that.

"feelings will develop"
"i'll take the risk"
= I am going to pretend that I am opening up and being vulnerable, because that gets the panties dropping, when this all fizzles out I can say "well you know there was always a risk"

"fate/destiny"
= I'll use language that implies I have no control over my actions and feelings. That will be handy when the actions and feelings upset this person, I can just say I can't help it.

Sending me love hearts and saying it’s ‘maybe for me’ ... this is not FWB behaviour, is it?

It's classic, absolutely ordinary fuckwit behaviour!! This is textbook. It's extremely worrying that you are not able to see through this.

Have you had counselling after your abusive relationship? You need to very quickly put up boundaries and learn how manipulation and exploitation happen in relationships... you are, as you say, very vulnerable and your posts are worrying.

@rvby - thanks so much for outlining this clearly and this makes sense.

If my brother found out he would blame the guy, not me. 100% as my brother knows I’m very vulnerable and he would believe me.

I am also fully aware that he maybe buttering me up so I don’t tell my brother, I never would and I told him I wouldn’t. It’s between us.

I’ve said goodbye many times and said we are good, sent him good vibes and wished him the best so he has no reason to feel I would ever spill the beans.

Ahh I just try and see the best in everyone. It’s just me and that’s probably why I’m in this situation.

Burnt twice by the same situation. They say if you don’t learn the lesson yet first time, it repeats itself until you do. Lesson learnt. Fully :-(

@rvby Yes, just very vulnerable. My ex husband did the same thing. I’m just a very trustworthy person unfortunately :-(

I had counselling two years ago but def need to revisit...

He honestly seemed so genuine and as he’s a good friend of my brother (20 years) I trusted him not to treat me indifferently...😕

@Fizzysours I blocked my ex and he knows this. He’s an intelligent guy and he will KNOW why. All your posts has just turned me off him completely so I’m not pining for him right now! This is what I need to get back to reality!

Thank you everyone for supporting me, I needed this. Thank you

Why exactly is he so afraid of your brother knowing about him & you?

Is it because your brother thinks he's a bit of a jerk, even though he's a friend?

My ‘brother would never approve’ as clearly he would know what he’s like with women!! FACT.

@MyMajesty - he just said he would never approve of us. He’s known him for twenty years and will know him very well. They lived together.

My brother knows we work together and said he’s a ‘good guy’ though, but then he didn’t know he was sleeping with his sister..!

Are you really 42?

@category12 I feel every time you lost it’s deliberately provocative. Been though a lot of shit and not in a good place. If you have nothing to contribute other than make jibes at me please could you kindly stop commenting. I feel shit enough as is. Thank you.

I think the question about your age is in relation to how important your brother's opinion on your sex life seems to be to you.

@chattybum @category12

I’m a grown woman so makes no difference to me. He’s the one saying it’s my brother who won’t approve. This is the immaturity of it all. We are grown adults, or supposed to be.

This guy really doesn't want a decent relationship with you. He's messing you around and he knows your brother wouldn't like it.

If he wanted to be a good partner to you he'd be thinking of how to convince your brother of that, not telling you to keep it secret.

He's got you chasing after imaginary happiness that you think he might give you, but he won't and you'll be much happier without him, really.

Op clearly you're not willing to let this go. I don't think anyone understands why you feel you need your brothers approval but all I can do is wish you luck. Because I think you're going to cause a lot of pain and it's not going to get you what you want,

@MyMajesty if he knows my brother wouldn’t like it, why keep doing it!??

My brother would honestly kill him.

@Bluntness100 It’s not me who thinks I need my brothers approval, it’s HIM.
I am willing to let go, just blocking him isn’t my way to do it. It reeks of how much he’s hurt me. I won’t give him that pleasure.
Thank you 😕

That's nothing wrong with respecting your brother's opinion.
People on MN are constantly advising posters to take notice of their Mum / friend / sister so why not a brother.

He's not a good guy and he's messing you around, that's why.

(Only going on what I've read here, ofc).

@mymajesty - yes absolutely. But it’s not a reason to tell someone it’s why they don’t want to continue an adult relationship.

I really feel now that I’ve closer to closure. I don’t want this guy. He isn’t what I thought. At all. I deserve better.