DP says he doesn't want to use the word love anymore?

[PeriChicken340]

DP (27) and I have been together just less than a year having lived with each other for part of that (we started off as flat mates) and are now in a LDR, seeing each other once a month.

It started out with both of us saying we didn't want to do long distance... fast forward several months and he tells me he loves me but it still has to end when I move. Fast forward a couple of more months and we are on holiday together and he tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me having thought and that I'm worth it etc and wants to do long distance.

So I move and its a struggle because he gets a lot more out of being together which is understandable and we've only had one heated discussion since we got together - in which he is always reassuring - "remember I still love you and want to be with you" etc.

So we just get on with our lives messaging everyday, loving messages and I feel loved and cared for and especially when we are together. He has always said the word love to him is important and we don't (or didn't :/) say it everyday because then it would become "meaningless" if its just thrown around. It never bothered me because I would hear it sometimes and he would always be reassuring when we were having a tricky LDR day. Point being I felt treated so great and we've both said we want it to be long term - proposing "makes sense" with me which hasn't with previous relationships as does having children.

ANYWAY so everything was fine and then he goes away on a silent retreat for 10 days with no contact. He sets up 20 lovely scheduled emails to arrive every morning and evening and we see each other on Sunday, the day he comes back.

Everything was normal, we were cuddling etc and he was telling me all about his experience and then says he wants to talk because some things haven't been working.

He says he wants to feel like he can express how he really feels more freely because sometimes its hard to feel authentic in his loving messages when we are long distance and its starting to be draining and making him anxious. I say no problem, how do you imagine it being different? THEN he says that he cant say "I love you" as he was before because by his definition of it, he only feels it "sometimes" and it is so "sacred".

I fly off the handle basically and it gets heated. I ask (fml) and he says he doesn't really get upset at the thought of us not being together because "if there were a situation in which we broke up then it would be a good reason that would make us both happier...so I wouldn't feel very upset" and "well I'm happy by myself, I don't need you so I would be fine by myself... but it doesn't mean I don't want to be with you". He says he doesn't really look forward to seeing me until the day before but thats fine because its "like that with everyone" and "I don't really miss anyone".

He says he has to be honest and tell me this because he "wants to spend his life with me". I describe what I mean when I say I love him - he says that he feels all of that but can't say it in that context because it doesn't "come naturally" to him and "as soon as expectations are placed on the word it becomes anxiety provoking and draining and I start to disengage if I don't feel I can express myself freely without expectation". But still, he "loves us" and being with me...

But he still feels all those things for me that I would consider love. He just wants to use other words and will say love when he feels it.

So I went to bed yesterday (left his place yesterday morning) having spoken to him until 2am with tears streaming down my face.

I feel lied to and betrayed and I cannot emotionally understand it at all.

He sent me an objectively nice message this morning basically saying that he wants to move forward and find something that works because he wants it to work... "thank you for being you" etc and being able to have a difficult and painful conversation is "testament to us" and we are "still a team" and wants to plan what to do when he is meant to come up in a couple of weeks.

I replied saying I was hurting a lot and need space - to which he said okay and he doesn't want to cause me misery and wishes he was with me to hold me and give me a kiss and tell me everything would be okay (when in the past he would say he loved me D:).

Is he just processing shit from his (up and down) retreat experience and overthinking and communicating poorly after having not been able to for 10 days, or is this a serious issue? Logically it makes sense... I just feel so shit :(

Lots more was exchanged if any more info needed but I'm aware I've written half of my upcoming assignment!

Thanks for any insight and advice :/

This would be bad enough in a relationship where you saw each other frequently. In an LDR I imagine it's even less useful, because if you don't see the person often, you need to be very certain that you're loved, so most LDRs, once the relationship gets serious, probably contain a lot of confessions of love- using the word.

Basically, what his wankery boils down to is he's a commitmentphobe or doesn't know how much he's into the relationship.

@GCAcademic 'God, I would have no patience for this shit and would send this tedious wanker on a permanent silent retreat'

LOL!

I'm gonna print out all the responses on here and paper my walls with them.

He’s in post- retreat mode, having had too much time to overthink!

I’m not sure what the answer to that is though. I’d perhaps tell him that you need the time to pick apart every aspect of your relationship too, just to make it fair.

Urgh he's too much!
Such a head fuck!
I'd leave now. The fact he's said this shit and expects you just to be like 'okay that's fine' knobhead.

Nothing wrong with a silent retreat - many people go on them. It does leave one feeling very weird though. Which doesn't translate well into normal life. I suggest you give him some time to find his feet in normality and then decide if you love him

Way too weird. Find yourself somebody normal. A navel gazing self obsessed weirdo like this is just going to fuck with your head. Cut it off dead now. Do yourself a huge favour. Tell him you appreciate his thoughts and you’re going to spend some time considering if you do actually feel love and you’ll get back to him when you’ve decided. Then don’t contact him or respond to any messages. Be without him for a while and see how you feel

He sounds like a new university student who's taken his first philosophy course and just came home for the weekend

Nothing wrong with a silent retreat

Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

'Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.'

'Reality is, like, subjective, right? sucks on joint We all see the world through the lens of our own mind, so, like, what we're truly seeing is ourselves.'

I can't believe he sent you scheduled texts! God. That is so anti-romantic. I wouldn't do that to a friend. How to not have a connection. How to do a relationship by numbers. Scheduled texts!

Yaaaaawn. He sounds like a mansplaining, wanky streak of piss. Listen to some Pink and find a man who wants to listen to what you've got to say, not open his mouth and let his belly rumble.

Oh gawd, you have yourself a fully fledged, hot air spouting, new age man child. & it's all hypocritical bollox. You have a voice in this, it's your relationship too,WTAF does he get off thinking he gets to call the shots. He doesn't.

He’s knocked your ‘acceptable standard’ bar to the ground and is about to step over it without effort. Pick that bar back up, whack him over the head with it, and flounce off into the sunset.

He’s asking you to settle for whatever crumbs he offers you.

Scheduled texts - inspired way in keeping someone hooked with the tiniest effort.

Texts are silent and would not have broken his retreat

He is on a post retreat high. I'd let things settle down a bit before making any decisions. He might not stay with these current ideas for too long. Sometimes too much thinking is bad for you.

If he loved you he would have come back from his ten day silent retreat missing you and realising that going ten days without contacting you was a stupid thing to do. He hasn't because he doesn't.

its hard to feel authentic in his loving messages when we are long distance and its starting to be draining and making him anxious.

That's because he doesn't love you so it does feel inauthentic and hard work for him to send you loving messages.

I say no problem, how do you imagine it being different? THEN he says that he cant say "I love you" as he was before because by his definition of it, he only feels it "sometimes" and it is so "sacred""

You either love someone or you don't. There's no "sometimes" about it, especially at the beginning of a relationship. He's already set you up not to expect it much from him, now he's withdrawing it completely.

All the "we are a team" and "I love us" is just manipulative bollocks to keep you hooked. Like everybody else has said, run away. It should be easy because you're long distance anyway. Fill your life with something or someone better.

Do retreats turn people into wankers then, or do retreats attract wankers?

@Gentleness

'He is on a post retreat high. I'd let things settle down a bit before making any decisions. He might not stay with these current ideas for too long.'

The fact would still remain that he hurt the OP by airing his thoughtless tactless brain farts. It's like something I might come out with, and I have autistic traits and stuff.

I think there's a song about this...tell him he can go and love himself

Do retreats turn people into wankers then, or do retreats attract wankers?

Chicken, meet egg.

Get out
Get Out
GET OUT

Sister. If he is like this now imagine when a baby comes along. We recommend out

OP he sounds demented, hard work and embarrassing to boot- what is the appeal. Ignore the waffle and game playing nonsense he is spouting and pay only attention to how he is treating you, which is badly.

He obvioulsy has a lot of growing up to do that you really won't get any enjoyment out of pandering to, he is not in it for the long haul- he's downgrading things. Run and get on with your life, you're worth more than over thinking about this nonsense.

The early years of a relationship should be fun, romantic, sexy, humourous, happy, look forward to spending time together

Even years later too

Better to be on your own or find someone else !

That the P has spent so much time and effort telling you why he doesn’t want to say, ‘I love you,’ means he actually doesn’t love you. He is self absorbed, manipulative, controlling and cruel. I should run now.