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Original poster

DP says he doesn't want to use the word love anymore?

191 replies

PeriChicken340 · 05/11/2019 18:36

DP (27) and I have been together just less than a year having lived with each other for part of that (we started off as flat mates) and are now in a LDR, seeing each other once a month.

It started out with both of us saying we didn't want to do long distance... fast forward several months and he tells me he loves me but it still has to end when I move. Fast forward a couple of more months and we are on holiday together and he tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me having thought and that I'm worth it etc and wants to do long distance.

So I move and its a struggle because he gets a lot more out of being together which is understandable and we've only had one heated discussion since we got together - in which he is always reassuring - "remember I still love you and want to be with you" etc.

So we just get on with our lives messaging everyday, loving messages and I feel loved and cared for and especially when we are together. He has always said the word love to him is important and we don't (or didn't :/) say it everyday because then it would become "meaningless" if its just thrown around. It never bothered me because I would hear it sometimes and he would always be reassuring when we were having a tricky LDR day. Point being I felt treated so great and we've both said we want it to be long term - proposing "makes sense" with me which hasn't with previous relationships as does having children.

ANYWAY so everything was fine and then he goes away on a silent retreat for 10 days with no contact. He sets up 20 lovely scheduled emails to arrive every morning and evening and we see each other on Sunday, the day he comes back.

Everything was normal, we were cuddling etc and he was telling me all about his experience and then says he wants to talk because some things haven't been working.

He says he wants to feel like he can express how he really feels more freely because sometimes its hard to feel authentic in his loving messages when we are long distance and its starting to be draining and making him anxious. I say no problem, how do you imagine it being different? THEN he says that he cant say "I love you" as he was before because by his definition of it, he only feels it "sometimes" and it is so "sacred".

I fly off the handle basically and it gets heated. I ask (fml) and he says he doesn't really get upset at the thought of us not being together because "if there were a situation in which we broke up then it would be a good reason that would make us both happier...so I wouldn't feel very upset" and "well I'm happy by myself, I don't need you so I would be fine by myself... but it doesn't mean I don't want to be with you". He says he doesn't really look forward to seeing me until the day before but thats fine because its "like that with everyone" and "I don't really miss anyone".

He says he has to be honest and tell me this because he "wants to spend his life with me". I describe what I mean when I say I love him - he says that he feels all of that but can't say it in that context because it doesn't "come naturally" to him and "as soon as expectations are placed on the word it becomes anxiety provoking and draining and I start to disengage if I don't feel I can express myself freely without expectation". But still, he "loves us" and being with me...

But he still feels all those things for me that I would consider love. He just wants to use other words and will say love when he feels it.

So I went to bed yesterday (left his place yesterday morning) having spoken to him until 2am with tears streaming down my face.

I feel lied to and betrayed and I cannot emotionally understand it at all.

He sent me an objectively nice message this morning basically saying that he wants to move forward and find something that works because he wants it to work... "thank you for being you" etc and being able to have a difficult and painful conversation is "testament to us" and we are "still a team" and wants to plan what to do when he is meant to come up in a couple of weeks.

I replied saying I was hurting a lot and need space - to which he said okay and he doesn't want to cause me misery and wishes he was with me to hold me and give me a kiss and tell me everything would be okay (when in the past he would say he loved me D:).

Is he just processing shit from his (up and down) retreat experience and overthinking and communicating poorly after having not been able to for 10 days, or is this a serious issue? Logically it makes sense... I just feel so shit :(

Lots more was exchanged if any more info needed but I'm aware I've written half of my upcoming assignment!

Thanks for any insight and advice :/

OP posts:
Lysianthus · 05/11/2019 19:53

Quite like what @bionicnemonic said. Only you can decide. I realise that's rubbish advice but only you know.

AnyFucker · 05/11/2019 19:57

Christ, he sounds tedious as fuck

You know how some folk are radiators and some are drainers .... ?

BlouseAndSkirt · 05/11/2019 20:01

Yes, full of pseudo-enlightened shit and incredibly self-absorbed.

God, I bet you wish YOU were on a silent retreat rather than listen to that load bollocks. How dare he pontificate like that til 2am while you were so clearly distressed?

Bluefargo · 05/11/2019 20:02

I had a boyfriend like this - he was an "artist" and very deep etc. Always navel gazing and second guessing himself if he was happy etc - in retrospect it was very selfish and cruel and wish I had dumped him when he started it. It either would have crystallised his love for me or made him realise it wasn't right. In either case I would have ended up with his respect and my self respect.

Witchinaditch · 05/11/2019 20:11

He’s been playing games from the start and it’s all on his terms! Also he went on a silent retreat. I don’t know how to say this nicely, he sounds like a massive self indulgent self righteous knob.

NowApparently · 05/11/2019 20:14

Honestly, can you really be bothered to play second fiddle to his pseudo-enlightened (fucking fantastic phrase, by the way...) bullshit? To have to go along with his whims? Try to guess what bollocks he'll come out with next?

I feel tired for you!

Move on, find someone who isn't going to leave you scratching your head wondering what the fuck they're on about. Wine

Honeyroar · 05/11/2019 20:18

Even before this, in the start, he sounded hard work and as though everything had to be his way.

I'd tell him it's not enough and you don't want to play these hot/cold games anymore.

Drogosnextwife · 05/11/2019 20:25

Aw God I couldn't even read the whole lot of that. Get rid, he's a twat

CTRL · 05/11/2019 20:31

His playing with your feelings OP

I get the feeling he wants to ‘kind of’ be with you without any sort of commitment or relationship status.

That’s not ok. His a prick

GettingABitDesperateNow · 05/11/2019 20:35

Hs sounds like Dawson in Dawsons creek.

mindutopia · 05/11/2019 20:36

He sounds like incredibly hard work. My dh and I were in a LDR for 2+ years when we were dating. We lived an 11 hour flight away on opposite sides of the world and only saw each other 3-4 times a year. There was no drama or games. We were so happy to be together when we could be and nobody got their pants in a bunch and made it weird. This sounds like an awful lot of emotional games for a fairly new relationship. And this new age silent retreat wankery on top....Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/11/2019 20:36

He's sooooo much deeper and cooler and edgier and darkly interesting than everyone else, isn't he?

Or just a tedious navel-gazer.

Get yourself a less 'interesting' but loving and good man. It saves a lot of time in your 30s.

waterjungle · 05/11/2019 20:39

I did one of these 10 day silent retreats in my 20's. it was great, an amazing experience, glad I did it and all that but to put it plainly.... it fucks with your head.

Did he do it in the UK? Was it Buddhism focused?

I agree with what a poster said further up, sometimes you do not need to hear such self absorbed honesty.

Think about it, he has just spent 10 days in silence. Whether you are meant to or not you really start thinking about yourself as that's all there is to focus on. In that self indulgent state you can start to assume that it's imperative to communicate EVERYTHING that goes through your mind under the assumption that you are being radically truthful and honest.

In reality it's self centred bullshit and I am not sure you need to be bearing the brunt of his mental colonic. I have had relationships with similar boyfriends in the past and the tortured, hand wringing, self scrutinisation can be mentally draining for you.

Think about what you need, maybe start distancing yourself emotionally if you can for your own well-being. Xxxx

honeylulu · 05/11/2019 20:40

Okaaaay

My thoughts: he is preparing you for the idea that he is distancing himself because he's fancying the idea of shagging someone else, or already has, but keeping you around as an option when it suits his "feelings".

Further thoughts: what a pretentious tosspot. I bet he loves looking in the mirror.

waterjungle · 05/11/2019 20:42

And yes! Find someone who can say they love you without all this bullshit.
Things are surprisingly fun and easy when you meet a person that is able to do that - you deserve it.

EoinMcLovesCakeJumper · 05/11/2019 20:43

Oh god... does he wear baggy purple trousers and a big itchy Tibetan cardigan, and did he do a little sad smile when he was coming out with all this shite?

I'm not suggesting that all New Age blokes are like this, but an awful lot of them seem to use this free-spirit thing as an excuse for never committing themselves to anything or anyone, and then blaming others for being closed-minded and conventional if they're not prepared to humour them. I would cut your losses, OP, because you'll never supplant his position as the most important person in his life.

WelshCake2019 · 05/11/2019 20:48

He's trying to make you dance to his tune but you know you're not a puppet x

Queenoftheashes · 05/11/2019 20:51

Soft boi fuckboy

Lifeisabeach09 · 05/11/2019 21:12

OP, I'm sure he loves you but he doesn't seem like he loves you enough.
Don't see him this weekend, take some time for yourself to sort your head out.

ControversialFerret · 05/11/2019 21:19

It's the whole I love you but I'm not in love with you spiel.

Basically he wants to keep you warm until someone better comes along.

Dump him - rip the plaster off. Don't see him again and block him from contacting you.

Someone who thinks that saying I love you frequently is a measure of devaluation, is someone who isn't in love.

QueenofPain · 05/11/2019 21:23

This all sounds like incredibly hard work, it shouldn’t be this hard and complicated, even in a LDR.

Grobagsforever · 05/11/2019 21:25

Never mind if he loves you or not he's SERIOUSLY BORING. A ten day silent retreat in an attempt to give himself a personality? Wanking around with how to express himself? He must be totally devoid of any topics to talk about or interesting life experiences to have to resort to such mind bending tedium.

OP even if you're duller then a drunk Daily Mail reader on a week long fishing trip to Blackpool you can DEFINITELY do better.

MsDogLady · 05/11/2019 21:27

OP, if you strip away all the New Age pretense, he is just a garden-variety, noncommittal manipulator who wants to avoid ”expectations.”

olieve · 05/11/2019 21:30

Pretentious prick. Why has he been dictating when and why and how you say it anyway? What a knob. I bet he posts Instagram selfies of him sitting at the ocean or holding a guitar, staring deep into the camera with hashtags like #blessings

BillHadersNewWife · 05/11/2019 21:31

It sounds like he's into the idea of living in the moment...something I've tried to do myself. It's bloody bollocks though for him to try to police a fucking WORD!

He can't be as enlightened as he thinks he is if he's causing someone this amount of pain.

Tell him to fly freely into his wanky future and that you hope the spirits of good will sing him along his arsehole journey.