DP says he doesn't want to use the word love anymore?

[PeriChicken340]

DP (27) and I have been together just less than a year having lived with each other for part of that (we started off as flat mates) and are now in a LDR, seeing each other once a month.

It started out with both of us saying we didn't want to do long distance... fast forward several months and he tells me he loves me but it still has to end when I move. Fast forward a couple of more months and we are on holiday together and he tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me having thought and that I'm worth it etc and wants to do long distance.

So I move and its a struggle because he gets a lot more out of being together which is understandable and we've only had one heated discussion since we got together - in which he is always reassuring - "remember I still love you and want to be with you" etc.

So we just get on with our lives messaging everyday, loving messages and I feel loved and cared for and especially when we are together. He has always said the word love to him is important and we don't (or didn't :/) say it everyday because then it would become "meaningless" if its just thrown around. It never bothered me because I would hear it sometimes and he would always be reassuring when we were having a tricky LDR day. Point being I felt treated so great and we've both said we want it to be long term - proposing "makes sense" with me which hasn't with previous relationships as does having children.

ANYWAY so everything was fine and then he goes away on a silent retreat for 10 days with no contact. He sets up 20 lovely scheduled emails to arrive every morning and evening and we see each other on Sunday, the day he comes back.

Everything was normal, we were cuddling etc and he was telling me all about his experience and then says he wants to talk because some things haven't been working.

He says he wants to feel like he can express how he really feels more freely because sometimes its hard to feel authentic in his loving messages when we are long distance and its starting to be draining and making him anxious. I say no problem, how do you imagine it being different? THEN he says that he cant say "I love you" as he was before because by his definition of it, he only feels it "sometimes" and it is so "sacred".

I fly off the handle basically and it gets heated. I ask (fml) and he says he doesn't really get upset at the thought of us not being together because "if there were a situation in which we broke up then it would be a good reason that would make us both happier...so I wouldn't feel very upset" and "well I'm happy by myself, I don't need you so I would be fine by myself... but it doesn't mean I don't want to be with you". He says he doesn't really look forward to seeing me until the day before but thats fine because its "like that with everyone" and "I don't really miss anyone".

He says he has to be honest and tell me this because he "wants to spend his life with me". I describe what I mean when I say I love him - he says that he feels all of that but can't say it in that context because it doesn't "come naturally" to him and "as soon as expectations are placed on the word it becomes anxiety provoking and draining and I start to disengage if I don't feel I can express myself freely without expectation". But still, he "loves us" and being with me...

But he still feels all those things for me that I would consider love. He just wants to use other words and will say love when he feels it.

So I went to bed yesterday (left his place yesterday morning) having spoken to him until 2am with tears streaming down my face.

I feel lied to and betrayed and I cannot emotionally understand it at all.

He sent me an objectively nice message this morning basically saying that he wants to move forward and find something that works because he wants it to work... "thank you for being you" etc and being able to have a difficult and painful conversation is "testament to us" and we are "still a team" and wants to plan what to do when he is meant to come up in a couple of weeks.

I replied saying I was hurting a lot and need space - to which he said okay and he doesn't want to cause me misery and wishes he was with me to hold me and give me a kiss and tell me everything would be okay (when in the past he would say he loved me D:).

Is he just processing shit from his (up and down) retreat experience and overthinking and communicating poorly after having not been able to for 10 days, or is this a serious issue? Logically it makes sense... I just feel so shit :(

Lots more was exchanged if any more info needed but I'm aware I've written half of my upcoming assignment!

Thanks for any insight and advice :/

Is he my ex from the distant past? He was always so very deep and intellectual and I would never understand the depth of his feelings.

Still didn't mean he wanted to shag a fresher and was most put out that she didn't 'put out' after he dumped me and still couldn't to save his life

Life is way too short to have listen to his drivel! Please get rid, you can do much better than this!

couldn't cook or get a job that is - grr no edit.

Nah
Not nearly good enough

Next!

Oh dear. What a lot of shit this is OP.
The two phrases that jump out at me from other posters "navel gazing" and "mental colonic"
This guy sounds like a self absorbed twat and you could do a lot better - in less than a year there is all this angst -fuck that!

Well isn't he being all zen and aloof. What bollocks.

He needs to grow up and realise he has feelings just like everyone else, and that he can't pretend he's above them like he's something special. And he can stop trampling all over your feelings while he's at it.

You don't need to make a decision on whether you see him next weekend or not, give yourself some space and time and decide whether his wankery is worth it.

Read back what you have written about him.

Now, aren't you embarrassed to have to call yourself his girlfriend?

My skin is crawling at the thought of him!

Hopefully you'll look back in 30 years and piss yourself at the sheer twattery of his 2am ramblings.

Seriously what a twat. He really did drink the cool aid didn't he. Why did you bite so hard and fly off the handle and sit crying and all that? It's all self indulgent shite he was spouting. You shOuld have said great idea, and went and did something else.

He sounds like a proper bellend.

Find a guy who puts his effort into making you feel love, not forcing you to listen to his simpleton philosophy about language.

You've had some good times with him, wish him well, and throw him back into the sea.

10 day silent retreat and scheduled emails?

Too much head fuckery. You should be enjoying yourselves not philosophising love.

Is he any fun at all?

You should consider going no contact with him (blocking him everywhere) as he’s the kind of man who’ll always try to work his way back in. You deserve so much better.

What an utter dickhole.

Seriously OP, he’s not normal. You don’t need to put up with this. Don’t kid yourself that he’s something special and a deep thinker, he’s an idiot. Also, he’s trying to see how much bullshit you’ll swallow so he knows how much control he can exert. It’s all on his terms and you’re going to be left hanging on his every word to prove what you have is “sacred”.

It’s been a year, it shouldn’t be this hard. Dump him and you’ll look back in a year and laugh that you even considered giving this mope the time of day.

(Also, if you happen to be a 90 Day Fiancé fan he sounds very like Jesse. Not a good thing).

*WORM his way back in, though WORK also works!

I also think you should stop using the word "love", and start using the words "goodbye" and "good riddance".

Bin him Op, he isn’t worth your time

Oh good grief, what a piece of work.

I'm assuming you're quite young? Please leave and never look back. You are worth far more than this.

IME (with far too many creative types) the more complicated and tortured soul someone thinks they are, the more simple they are in reality.

My ex behaved as if he was plagued by demons, had so much to "work through" and piously looked down on people who didn't over analyse every single thought or word they had or used.

People like that claim it's a voyage of self discovery but really it's self obsessed, immature and selfish behaviour dressed up as something more meaningful.

Time for an old but true phrase - it shouldn't be this hard.

You don't want to be with someone who is constantly struggling through a shitstorm of issues and tells you about all of them, to make you grateful for sacrificing some of their precious time for you.

Trust me, being with someone like that is not only fucking tedious, it reaches a tipping point where you see them for the vacuous wannabe tortured soul they are and realist you want to be with someone who makes you laugh and feel loved.

God, I would have no patience for this shit and would send this tedious wanker on a permanent silent retreat by blocking him on all forms of communication.

He's a massive fuckboy, to the point that it's almost comedic, and he sounds completely unbearable.

It's not meant to feel this way OP. Bin him off. Relationships are meant to add to your life, not make you feel shit.

Ugh. Honestly he's embarrassing. Don't buy into his self absorbed crap. You will look back and cringe for him, so hard.

Blimey Op, how can you be bothered with all this crap. He’s a total knob. Do yourself a favour and get rid of him sharpish.

Love might just be a word, but you've told him it's important to you and he doesn't care about that.

He's playing mind games with you and clearly getting off on it.

Save your love for someone who will return it.

LTB

OP, what's important to you in a relationship? What do you value? Are you getting that from him? If not, you know the answer.

All this pretentious pontificating from him is just smoke and mirrors. He wants to be in control and is acting as if he's some spiritual guide for your relationship. He's said his long winded piece, now it's your turn.

As sad as you are

As hard as it is

RUN