Partner can't come to 20 week scan.

[Terri123456]

So, I don't know if I'm over reacting. My partner said to me his friend can get him 2 free tickets for him and his son (from a previous relationship) to a theme park on the day of my 20 week scan. I said to him that's great but what about my scan. He can't get anyone to look after his son anyway so he would have to wait outside as the hospital have a strict policy on not allowing children into the ultrasound. I was more than happy for him to wait outside. Anyway, he was umming and arrring about the whole thing so I said to him ok well why don't you go the theme park and I'll just go on my own. I expected him to respond saying no I want to be there for you even if I wait outside. But he never. He was like well if you're sure? I was shocked because it wasn't the response I expected. This is my first pregnancy. I'm also rhesus negative which has freaked me right out. I worry that if I'm on my own and god forbid there is something wrong I'm not going to be able to cope. My partner keeps saying it will be fine. I'm sure it will be but I really wanted him to want to be there to support me. But if he wanted to be there then he would. I feel like he's prioritised me and the baby below himself and his first son. I worry that I won't get the support I need when the baby is actually here if he is happy to miss out on a 20 week scan what else is he happy to miss out on. I now have to go to my 20 week scan alone and my family and friends all live 4 hours away. I'm so upset. I don't know how to handle it because I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and he can't find a way to go to my 20 week scan. HELP! Am i over reacting?

A, its sex not gender b, write a post on the pregnancy topic about your placenta and many many people will help you

I remember it being an anomaly scan, so yes medical. But they did ask us if we wanted to know the sex, though they can't guarantee it as 100 percent accurate. Can his family really not help out with your step son when you are in labour? So he is going to miss out on the birth of his child too. I think you really do need some support from your family or get a doula or a friend go with you. X

What's a doula?

OP you have every right to be mad. This is a one off event for your first child and rather than support that, your partner felt it more fitting to go to a theme park with his other child. He could have done that any other day, fuck the fact he got free tickets. You can't ever get today back, or the way he's made you feel so alone and unsupported.

It's very clear you have no bad feelings about your stepson. It's not even about him. He's just a young lad who's had a nice day out. It's about your DP and how he massively let you and his second child down on a specific and special occasion to do something else. Ignore the posters trying to make you the MN favourite, the villainous stepmother.

It's of no relevance whether he took your child to a theme park, your step child to a theme park, or the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker to the stupid theme park. You and this child needed him today, and he wasn't there. If he can't see that you should have been a priority then shame on him.

doula.org.uk/what-doulas-do/

Exactly! I've been made to feel guilty or like I've made competition. I can in here for advice and got insulted by a lot of people.... I try my very best. Most women wouldn't put up with what I put up with as my stepsons mother is a handful. I do it coz I love both of them.

I just wanted support that's all. I'm so let down I'm wondering if the worst happens and I do need a section how much support am I going to get then? Probably not a lot.

It's all one way at the moment and nothing in return

You are a stepmother on MN. Insulted is the only way. You know that now, for future reference at least, you child hating old bat

You need to let him know just what he's done. You were nervous (and it turns out rightly so) and he left you to it. You needed him today. He's got the rest of his life to bugger about in theme parks but going today was the better option than finding out all is not well with his you and his child. You've had to shoulder that all alone. When you're already emotional and hormonal.

Not on. Not on at all. Hope he threw up on the teacups.

I asked him about the labour last night and he said there's a possibility he may not be there because of commitments to his son and sons mums contact time. Just doesn't seem fair. I said I'll move Bk home to my family to have the baby then but he said that's not fair on him... but it's ok for me to lose out.

Terri there is something quite immature about the way you and your DP communicate and make decisions.

Obviously I realise you can't write an entire conversation but, you indicate that when your DP gives a response that shows he's not listening or understanding you, you react by what seems to be a challenge back, rather than discussing what you are feeling, why you want his support and what you want him to do. e.g. telling him to just go (whilst expecting him not to), or saying you'll go home to have the baby ...

It sounds as if your DP is used to making decisions and calling the shots. It is unrealistic to expect him to suddenly change. I'm not agreeing with your DP, nor do I think its reasonable or healthy in a relationship! But, no amount of tit for tat will make the situation better.

You need to think long term and seek advice / support to help you.

He's just come in to ask how it went and said well we will just have to wait till next week and walked back out again. Tbh I don't want to look at him.

So leave him then. What’s the point in carrying on like this? What else is he meant to say except see what happens next week when you won’t even speak to him? You said he could go, you offered to go to the scan alone, next time make your feelings clear but you need to move on now because this is just silly. All of this was because you didn’t make it clear you actually wanted him there, you didn’t give him the chance to say okay, he will be there. You keep saying you’ve given up so much for him, his ex is a handful etc so leave then, why stay if it’s so bad? Love isn’t enough to make things run smoothly.

you react by what seems to be a challenge back, rather than discussing what you are feeling, why you want his support and what you want him to do. e.g. telling him to just go (whilst expecting him not to), or saying you'll go home to have the baby

I don't find OP immature or tit for tat. This is the biggest thing to happen in her life and he is making excuses about not being there. If he's not going to support them both, why should she not move back home where she will be?

You can bet your bottom dollar he didn't miss out on the other child's birth. But in order to play along to his ex's contact times he'll miss the birth of this one and let his partner go through what now looks like a potentially difficult birth alone. He can fuck right off to be honest. If it's "miss a weekend of playing with an existing child" or "miss the BIRTH of his other child" it's not even comparable. He can spend the weekend with either of them for the rest of his life. This one only gets born once. I can't believe he even needs that pointing out to him.

Is he actually excited or positive about having this baby or does it feel like something forced upon him?

The "ah well, we'll just have to wait until next week" is shockingly disinterested and uncaring. It shows no concern for either you or the baby.

I would be tempted to move back home. Not an empty threat. Just move home and get the support you and the baby need.

@Terri123456 oh lovely - I'm so sorry you went through that alone. He is an absolute dick.

Go home to your family. Go be with people who will look after you, and care for you, and support you. Prioritise yourself.

And ignore anyone here trying to make you feel small or pathetic for needing the father of your baby to attend a medical appointment about the baby with you. I'm a little astounded at the attitude and can only say it reflects on who they are, not you.

If it helps, I have the placenta at the front, although it is higher up - they keep an eye on it and the reason it needs to move if it's low lying is because it can cause problems in a natural birth. You may need a c section and this man is not the one you want to rely on when the times comes.

When is your next scan?

I am seriously considering moving home. Its scary starting all over again with a new baby. I'd have to leave my job and everything. But I would have my family to support me it's not like I'd be homeless. May have to take a leap of faith.

Next scan is Tuesday 12th. He said he will attend that one as the timing is better... timing should never really have been an issue. He was like do you need anything from me? I was like no not really I've managed it alone so far and he walked out the room. Which is fine because I don't want to look at him.

I would say speak up now if you want him there. Ask if another adult can come to stay with his child?

Hopefully he hadn't gotten the child's hopes up with the theme park and then blame you if you "make" him come to the scan and the theme park is off?

My STBX couldn't -be bothered to- stay during my D&C surgery because he wouldn't (and could have if he prioritized me) take off of work.

Because I didn't tell him he must, he decided he didn't have to.

Staff at hospital were all shocked when he dropped me off and said bye, see you later. I had to arrange with my parents ahead of time to drive me home. I think they were equally shocked he wouldn't take off work. He always thinks his job is so much more important than anyone else's and that he couldn't possibly cancel choir rehearsal due to his wife's non-elective surgery. Oh, did I just say what his job is? Yeah, church musician. Can't risk having his choir miss one rehearsal. God might smite him, I guess.

I learned from that point never to expect much, but to speak in English clearly if I really needed him for x, y, or z.

But yep, nip this in the bud now.

When you say move home, do you mean back yo your parents? How old are you?

Oh, D&C was a result of miscarriage. Forgot to say that.

He never cried.

I swear these men don't deserve us. I agree. I'm going to have a long talk to him tomorrow when I've cooled off and emotions not so high and make a decision from there.

This is the biggest thing to happen in her life and he is making excuses about not being there. If he's not going to support them both, why should she not move back home where she will be?

I completely agree with you Courtney555 but it was not a rational, thought out decision by OP, communicated as fact to her 'd'P. It was a knee jerk reaction to his statement about possibly missing the birth.

I would fully support her going back to her family for support - and possibly full time! But, I'm trying to get her to stop believing that he is going to suddenly see the light in the course of these arguments.

My mum lives back home and my friends. I'm 27. But doesn't matter how old you are it's always handy to have your mum around! Lol

Everyone is different I suppose but my DH works away so with DS1 I went to all 6 scans alone (needed monitoring a few times) with DS2 I went to 2 alone and he made it to one that we booked specially to take older DS along x

timing should never really have been an issue.

In real life, timing is an issue though. It’s not always blank and white like that.

How are you going to cope with parenting if you're treating him like this over a problem that you created yourself by playing games with him.

You sound like you need to think about maturity right now and stop blaming him. It's not his fault. If anything it's more yours.

I understand that you are sad but why place so much blame and drama on him?

Rh- isn't that much of a big deal worthy of freaking out over. Just get your injections

Yeah this, why you freaking out? I'm rhesus neg and I'm just going to get my jab in 8 weeks time. It's really no big deal.

Secondly it is first scan but eh.. I just had my scan for DC2 it didn't goto plan, sonographer kicked DH and DS out (even though DS was sitting watching). Said DH could come back in after my 40 min scan and didn't ask him to at all.

I have to go back tomorrow, and DH isn't coming to see this scan either so we're doing a private 4d scan instead. The NHS one is an abnormality scan, it's 30/40 minutes of checking over baby. I didn't even see the screen until the last 5 mins. Think you're better off paying for a nicer experience op.