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Original poster

Partner can't come to 20 week scan.

288 replies

Terri123456 · 03/11/2019 19:40

So, I don't know if I'm over reacting. My partner said to me his friend can get him 2 free tickets for him and his son (from a previous relationship) to a theme park on the day of my 20 week scan. I said to him that's great but what about my scan. He can't get anyone to look after his son anyway so he would have to wait outside as the hospital have a strict policy on not allowing children into the ultrasound. I was more than happy for him to wait outside. Anyway, he was umming and arrring about the whole thing so I said to him ok well why don't you go the theme park and I'll just go on my own. I expected him to respond saying no I want to be there for you even if I wait outside. But he never. He was like well if you're sure? I was shocked because it wasn't the response I expected. This is my first pregnancy. I'm also rhesus negative which has freaked me right out. I worry that if I'm on my own and god forbid there is something wrong I'm not going to be able to cope. My partner keeps saying it will be fine. I'm sure it will be but I really wanted him to want to be there to support me. But if he wanted to be there then he would. I feel like he's prioritised me and the baby below himself and his first son. I worry that I won't get the support I need when the baby is actually here if he is happy to miss out on a 20 week scan what else is he happy to miss out on. I now have to go to my 20 week scan alone and my family and friends all live 4 hours away. I'm so upset. I don't know how to handle it because I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and he can't find a way to go to my 20 week scan. HELP! Am i over reacting?

OP posts:
Thistly · 03/11/2019 20:15

I said to him ok well why don't you go the theme park and I'll just go on my own. I expected him to respond saying no I want to be there for you even if I wait outside. But he never. He was like well if you're sure? I was shocked because it wasn't the response I expected.

This is a poor strategy. If you want a successful relationship, I recommend desisting from saying things you don't mean to elicit a specific response.

I’m sorry you don’t have family/ friends to ask to help out so you could both go to the scan together. I suggest developing some friendships so you do have people to call on is such situations. It will make being a parent a bit easier and less isolating.

I hope the scan goes well!

aweedropofsancerre · 03/11/2019 20:16

i found out i had lost my baby at the 20 weeks scan. I dont want to scare you as my situation is rare however it is an anomaly scan and I would expect your partner to prioritise it....

Curtainly · 03/11/2019 20:16

If he has his son and would be waiting outside anyway, then I don't think he is being unreasonable to go to the theme park. I don't think he is prioritising his son, but he will always be a father to both, and in this case he has to be with him. Is there anyone else you would feel comfortable taking? A friend or family member? My partner was away for 7 months of my pregnancy and missed out on many things, but I was fortunate enough to have a great support network.

Itsallpetetong · 03/11/2019 20:18

so I said to him ok well why don't you go the theme park and I'll just go on my own

Why on earth did you say that if you didn’t mean it?

AnneElliott · 03/11/2019 20:18

I think you're overreacting op. My H didn't come to the scan as if had to change the date and he couldn't get the time off work.

Take a friend or a relative with you.

Ginger1982 · 03/11/2019 20:20

"I tried to change the date weeks ago but the hospital wouldn't budge. They said it's that or nothing. "

I find that a bit odd.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/11/2019 20:29

If he can’t come in then he may as well do something more enjoyable with his son. Lots of people attend alone due to work commitments, existing children etc.

He has an existing child, you’re going to have to get used to him deciding how to split his parenting when the new arrival comes. It’s very important his existing child doesn’t feel left out or replaced.

HumphreyCobblers · 03/11/2019 20:33

Well I think it is pretty poor form on his part. He should have found someone to look after his son so that he COULD attend, let alone buggering off to a theme park.

All those people saying it doesn't matter have obviously never had bad news at a scan.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 03/11/2019 20:34

Oh OP 😡 I would be livid!

My 20 week scan is next week and if DH prioritised anything (other than genuine emergency) over that I’d be taking it as a very clear sign of his lack of interest/commitment!

(I’m not a drama queen who insists he attend every apt- but 12/20 weeks are the big ones)!

This has been booked for a while - he’s had notice enough to make plans but hasn’t. I cringed at the ‘stepchild’ portion of your OP as KNEW this would be jumped on and become a total red herring. In my book a step child is treated exactly as a biological child would be in a relationship - theres no difference! So just a an older biological child would be expected to wait outside the room for the 5 minutes it takes to check baby is ok- so should your step son! My hospital allow children into the room to see sibling once health has been confirmed.

RedskyToNight · 03/11/2019 20:35

If he has no one to look after his son then

  • he'll have to wait outside and miss the scan anyway

and (more crucially)

  • not be much use for support if necessary, as he'll need to focus on his son.

The theme park is actually a distraction, the issue is that he can't find anyone else to look after his son.

Instatwat · 03/11/2019 20:37

Obviously the hospital can change your scan Confused What if you were unwell?
I had the worst news you can get at a 20 week scan and would never go to a scan by myself.

Somebodystired · 03/11/2019 20:38

I'd book a private scan a few days before when your DH can be with you. If theres any bad news or you need his support, he will be there, and his DS doesn't miss out on a day at a theme park.

57Varieties · 03/11/2019 20:41

If he has his son and would be waiting outside anyway, then I don't think he is being unreasonable to go to the theme park. I don't think he is prioritising his son, but he will always be a father to both, and in this case he has to be with him. Is there anyone else you would feel comfortable taking? A friend or family member?

This, but I also agree with those who said you shouldn’t go alone x

halloweenismyseason · 03/11/2019 20:42

Of course you can changes the dates, but I don't think you want to.
You need to stop right now with who's more important because it's a game everyone loses at.
You are only 20 weeks pregnant and you already believe your dp prefers his other son. This maybe your first baby but you need to relax and don't make a problem out of nothing.

Change the app, or be happy that he's taking his son out and go alone.

PurpleDaisies · 03/11/2019 20:43

It’s hard to believe the hospital won’t change the scan date. Are you sure you understood that correctly when you spoke to them?

Interestedwoman · 03/11/2019 20:44

You're not being unreasonable, and you shouldn't have to book a private scan (he can book one and pay for it if hewants!) He can go, he's just choosing not to. Wanker.

Perhaps you could put your foot down and say it's really important to you that he comes? I don't think you have anything to lose, as you want someone who's going to be there for you in general.

leghairdontcare · 03/11/2019 20:45

Does he understand that you could receive some bad news at the 20 week scan? A lot of people don't realise and think it's just about the sex of the baby. What's the expectation if you get bad news? Ring him whilst he's at the theme park? Sounds like he hasn't really thought it through.

Janaih · 03/11/2019 20:45

his son isn't going anywhere, you might as well get used to it. if it is (god forbid) bad news, it will be extra stress having him there anyway.

there must be someone who can come with you. if not then that's your biggest problem I think. have you moved to be with him quite recently?

elizzza · 03/11/2019 20:45

This hospital has some very odd rules...I’ve never heard of a hospital that has a “strict policy” on not allowing children to scans (some people have to attend scans with young children as they have no childcare - would they make them leave a 2 year old in the waiting room alone?) or that won’t move a scan date and say it’s “this or nothing” - health care professionals are pretty keen for you to attend your 20 week scan and wouldn’t make you go without one!

Plus, when is the scan? Presumably it’s on a weekday, shouldn’t his son be at school?

Interestedwoman · 03/11/2019 20:47

To those saying OP is trying to get him to prioritize her and her baby over his son- I don't think it's that at all.

It's a fun event vs something medical. I'll sure if OP and her partner planned to go out for lunch but his son had a medical appointment, OP would have no problems with him prioritizing that.

Derbee · 03/11/2019 20:57

What happens if you get bad news at the scan, and your DSS is there? If the main issue is that your DP has to have his son with him that day, I would insist on changing the appointment with the hospital.

Rainycloudyday · 03/11/2019 20:59

Lesson learned-don’t play games and tell him to do something that you’re actually not ok with, then get pissed off when he does it. Have you actually spoken to him about how you didn’t actually mean you would be ok alone? Your OP reads rather like you’re expecting him to guess that. But I agree, he should be at your scan with you and not at a theme park. Just don’t play games in future-honest communication is essential in a relationship but especially when you’re about to have a baby!

OhTheRoses · 03/11/2019 20:59

All thpse saying hospitals will helpfully change scan dates. They won't. When I had my 12 week scan with dd I had already had a mmc diagnosed at 12 weeks and discovered ds had a congenital heart condition incompatible with life at the 20 week scan. The people dealing with the appointments were absolute unsympathetic arseholes. DH had an unavoidable work issue on the day of the scan. I had countless conversations with horrible people. DH did come but I can't remember how we swung it. I think I made a formal complaint to the ceo and the lead obstetrician. Anyway, I had the personal care of the consultant obs after that.

TBH OP, your dh being there or not won't alter the outcome.

Jesse70 · 03/11/2019 21:04

Yeah your being a bit unreasonable he can't even come in and how boring for his other kid
I understand it's your first but try not to worry
Also don't worry about your blood group you will get a jab if u have not already had it and your card to carry and it's on your notes
Enjoy your scan 20 weeks one is great you can make everything out
Tell him he had better not have anything planned for the birth tho as that would be out of order lol

PurpleDaisies · 03/11/2019 21:06

Enjoy your scan 20 weeks one is great you can make everything out

It’s only great if all is well.

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