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Original poster

Partner can't come to 20 week scan.

288 replies

Terri123456 · 03/11/2019 19:40

So, I don't know if I'm over reacting. My partner said to me his friend can get him 2 free tickets for him and his son (from a previous relationship) to a theme park on the day of my 20 week scan. I said to him that's great but what about my scan. He can't get anyone to look after his son anyway so he would have to wait outside as the hospital have a strict policy on not allowing children into the ultrasound. I was more than happy for him to wait outside. Anyway, he was umming and arrring about the whole thing so I said to him ok well why don't you go the theme park and I'll just go on my own. I expected him to respond saying no I want to be there for you even if I wait outside. But he never. He was like well if you're sure? I was shocked because it wasn't the response I expected. This is my first pregnancy. I'm also rhesus negative which has freaked me right out. I worry that if I'm on my own and god forbid there is something wrong I'm not going to be able to cope. My partner keeps saying it will be fine. I'm sure it will be but I really wanted him to want to be there to support me. But if he wanted to be there then he would. I feel like he's prioritised me and the baby below himself and his first son. I worry that I won't get the support I need when the baby is actually here if he is happy to miss out on a 20 week scan what else is he happy to miss out on. I now have to go to my 20 week scan alone and my family and friends all live 4 hours away. I'm so upset. I don't know how to handle it because I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and he can't find a way to go to my 20 week scan. HELP! Am i over reacting?

OP posts:
codenameduchess · 04/11/2019 12:29

OP, you told him to go. It's reasonable for him to assume you saying he should go is what you meant given you are both supposedly adults.

GertiMJN · 04/11/2019 12:30

But Terri123456 a 4 year old should not have been part of the equation in the first place.

I accept that there may be an issue with how your dp is (or isn't) supporting you, but the theme park is not the problem.

Original poster
Terri123456 · 04/11/2019 12:31

I agree, he shouldn't be dragged there. But I also shouldn't be left alone. I'm fed up of being put last.

OP posts:
GertiMJN · 04/11/2019 12:40

If this is symptomatic of wider problems, then you need to address the problem. Focusing on the theme park is distracting because your dp was never going to be with you in the room, so your dp is 'right' that being at the theme park makes little difference.

Don't fall into the trap of passive aggressive reactions like you did by saying he might as well go ...and then criticize him for going.

Discuss the issues calmly and rationally as you should have done at the point when you knew date couldn't be changed and dp had dss.

Original poster
Terri123456 · 04/11/2019 12:42

I tried to last night but he just blamed my anxiety. He was like the scan will be fine this is all your anxiety. I was like no this because I want your support incase the worst. Just keeps blaming my anxiety.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 04/11/2019 12:51

It’s not anxiety it’s common sense.

I really hope your scan goes well today. How he could forgive himself if you were given bad news on your own I do not know.

I’d start getting ready to do more on your own as he clearly isn’t taking this seriously.

Original poster
Terri123456 · 04/11/2019 12:54

I don't think I will forgive him if I get bad news today. I'm struggling to look at him at the moment.

OP posts:
GertiMJN · 04/11/2019 12:57

Terri I really feel for you Flowers

But what I'm saying is that last night was too late. You have known since the day you couldn't change the date that he wouldn't be able to support you in the way you need because he would have had dss with him.

If you had posted then, several weeks ago, saying that DP was refusing to find cover for dss for the duration of the scan, then you would have had time to deal with it. Perhaps DP wouldn't have acted the way you wanted / needed, but at least it would have been clear an unambiguous. And you had time to find an alternative support. As it is, he has a counter argument that muddies the waters.It sounds like you need to talk to someone both about your anxiety and DP.

I really hope the scan is reassuring and that you can talk constructively with DP and get the support from him you need.

Scarydinosaurs · 04/11/2019 12:59

And even if it is good news, it’s a medical appointment for his child. I don’t understand why people treat scans like they’re some kind of treat, or special moment.

I had an awful 20 week scan. Walking through the waiting room and taken to the ‘sad room’ and given your options and the follow up steps is harrowing with a partner. I was lucky, and we had good news after further tests- but I don’t know why anyone would risk making their partner do that on their own.

Tableclothing · 04/11/2019 13:02

I hope your scan goes well.

Please don't complain to the hospital that they couldn't re-schedule your scan at 2 days' notice. I doubt they said that just to be annoying.

Original poster
Terri123456 · 04/11/2019 13:03

I asked them to reschedule at my 12 weeks scan... they said no immediately...

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 04/11/2019 13:04

OP - you are being anxious, and emotional, and unreasonable as a result.
Hope when it’s all in the past you will see it.

Children - at least in my worldview - some first. So - currently there is on child that understands and is affected by the actions of his father. Who prioritised the child over and adult who is irrational.
When there is an actual choice between two children - then it will be a whole other story.
And as parents - we are often out last. It’s normal and you need to realise that.

I do hope that the scan is OK. And saying you’d never forgive your partner if it isn’t - really only further underlines how you aren’t in a very irrational place. The scan’s outcome is predetermined. Your partner had no influence over it.
It’s a choice in life how you approach things. You chose to demand being out in the front, over a child - that you claim to ‘do everything’ for. And hopefully you will come to your senses soon. This child will need their mother - and a selfless one at that.

Original poster
Terri123456 · 04/11/2019 13:07

His son comes first to me and him everyday.... this is one day. Please don't tell me I'm not putting him first when you have no idea what I've done for him. Thanks

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 04/11/2019 13:11

I asked them to reschedule at my 12 weeks scan... they said no immediately...

My mistake, sorry.

GertiMJN · 04/11/2019 13:18

Terri FWIW I don't think it would have been unreasonable to ask him to find childcare or cover for his ds during the scan, especially as he clearly wasn't going to be at work. It is inset day so other parents at school could have been approached at the time.

But, if this is how it 'always is', then it was unlikely he was going to suddenly change.

RantyAnty · 04/11/2019 13:18

I truly don't understand how people are treating a free trip to a theme part like it is a once in a lifetime thing that couldn't be changes?

I imagine the place is open most days and DP gets to see the DS with regular visitation so I truly don't understand why he couldn't have take DS on a different day?

If he knew about he scan 8 weeks ago, surely he would have had time to get a relative or mate to come with him and watch DS for the hour or so while he was in the scan.

So I don't think you are being unreasonable at all or making it a competition between children. Your DP could have went on a different day and he was selfish not to change it. You both could have had what you wanted but he didn't want to change it.

Are you married to him or plans for marriage?

Original poster
Terri123456 · 04/11/2019 13:26

He has full custody of his son. All very sad circumstances and I've tried very hard to treat his son as my own. I'm sure I will understand better when I have my own baby. Childcare is difficult but not impossible he could have done something. He was going to be there until yesterday be he chose to let me down the day before the scan... leaving me no time to get someone else to come with.

He's asked me to marry him previously I've said no. His family then had a go at me for saying no. His family also aren't happy with the baby. I didn't think I could have children so they thought I trapped him. So I have all that to contend with as well. He sent me for a meal with his mother on my own at 18 weeks pregnant and she just ripped me apart for about 2 hours. So to be honest I'm getting at the end of my tether with the whole thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Terri123456 · 04/11/2019 13:28

And I agree. A scan prioritises over a theme park trip that you can go to any time of year. Regardless of weather it's free or not. I always encourage my partner to spend quality time with his sone without me there and I always encourage them to go out and play together at soft play etc. I do all of this with his son as well. I've never discouraged a relationship with his son or ever tried to be competition so I'm really offended by people saying I've done this to his son...

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 04/11/2019 13:28

YABU, and all those blaming the your DH, have either not read the post properly or are willfully ignoring it.
He is not swanning about and drinking with his friends, he is looking after his DC.
He cant get anyone else to look after him, ppl may look at scorn about this, but if this is the reality than that's how it is and there could be many reasons for this to be true and fair.
You told him not to come- this is the crucial for me. You are trying to test and play mind games and are now unhappy with him.
If you wanted him to come you should have just said. As it is you really dont have a leg to stand on in complaining.
Instead of moaning and manipulating, just tell him you would like him to come and you hope he can.
My DH came to nearly all my scans, but sometimes he couldn't make it, thats life.

RantyAnty · 04/11/2019 13:32

Terri, I'm so very sorry his family is treating you so badly. They sound rather odd to be upset you didn't say say and then to have a go at you for being pregnant.

You sound lovely and caring and will be an excellent mum. I hope you scan goes well and all is fine. I hope you do something nice for yourself afterwards.

GertiMJN · 04/11/2019 13:34

Terri He was going to be there until yesterday

That is the crux of the problem. He wasn't going to be there!

You and he had an agreement that you should never have made, that he would come with dss. That was never going to be the same as supporting you at the scan. That is the problem in this specific instance!

isthismylifenow · 04/11/2019 13:39

My dh didnt attend any scans or and anti natal visits......nor did anyone elses husbands / partners ..this was in the 80s
Tbh I would have never given it a thought , I couldnt drive then so off i caught a bus or walked , wirh other children in tow
Did it matter ? No ..not in the least
Has it affected my children's lives or our relationship...of course no

My ex didnt attend any scans either. I went to the appointments and scans alone, 2nd time around with a toddler.

This was in the 90s and the option wasnt there for dh to attend with me, so it was just how it was.

Bumbers · 04/11/2019 13:39

OP wishing you the best for the scan.

I think he has been entirely unreasonable and I struggle to understand those who say anything else.

Good luck with the scan. Hoping you see a healthy, wriggling bundle of joy!

isthismylifenow · 04/11/2019 13:40

I do think that the reverse psychology didnt work well here OP. In the future you just need to say what you feel.

isthismylifenow · 04/11/2019 13:40

Don't

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