Partner can't come to 20 week scan.

[Terri123456]

So, I don't know if I'm over reacting. My partner said to me his friend can get him 2 free tickets for him and his son (from a previous relationship) to a theme park on the day of my 20 week scan. I said to him that's great but what about my scan. He can't get anyone to look after his son anyway so he would have to wait outside as the hospital have a strict policy on not allowing children into the ultrasound. I was more than happy for him to wait outside. Anyway, he was umming and arrring about the whole thing so I said to him ok well why don't you go the theme park and I'll just go on my own. I expected him to respond saying no I want to be there for you even if I wait outside. But he never. He was like well if you're sure? I was shocked because it wasn't the response I expected. This is my first pregnancy. I'm also rhesus negative which has freaked me right out. I worry that if I'm on my own and god forbid there is something wrong I'm not going to be able to cope. My partner keeps saying it will be fine. I'm sure it will be but I really wanted him to want to be there to support me. But if he wanted to be there then he would. I feel like he's prioritised me and the baby below himself and his first son. I worry that I won't get the support I need when the baby is actually here if he is happy to miss out on a 20 week scan what else is he happy to miss out on. I now have to go to my 20 week scan alone and my family and friends all live 4 hours away. I'm so upset. I don't know how to handle it because I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and he can't find a way to go to my 20 week scan. HELP! Am i over reacting?

This hospital has some very odd rules...I’ve never heard of a hospital that has a “strict policy” on not allowing children to scans (some people have to attend scans with young children as they have no childcare - would they make them leave a 2 year old in the waiting room alone?) or that won’t move a scan date and say it’s “this or nothing” - health care professionals are pretty keen for you to attend your 20 week scan and wouldn’t make you go without one!

No odd at all. It's a common and sensible rule. Scan;s are medical procedures and it is not appropriate for a child to be present. Apart from the fact they can be disruptive and distracting to the sonographer would you really want a child there if you got bad news?

The two trusts close to me have a ban on children and rightly so.

can confirm both hospitals ive received ante natal at have been very strict about no children in the scanning room

I do realise I should have been upfront about how I feel. That was wrong on my part. But he knows now and has still gone

Well yeah, why wouldn’t he go even when you admitted you didn’t want him to? He probably told his son and I wouldn’t do that to my kid because an adult lied about being okay with something. Also, your idea of both the baby and your son being a priority equal is skewed. It does not work that way. Sometimes one child needs more attention or is a priority and that happens often. I have two kids, both have the same dad, we love our children equally but they have very different needs and sometimes one needs us more than the other. Right now the baby is in your womb, for him his son that is present is the priority, that’s not a bad thing. Once the baby is born then I’m sure his son will be told to wait sometimes or plans will change to suit whichever child needs it etc. Your baby is your number one priority, he has two to consider.

Well I disagree with that completely. I had the scan and baby needs another scan. So he does have a duty of care to my baby aswell regardless of weather it's in the womb or not.

Did you deliberately mis read what I wrote? Whatever, you tried to play games and it back fired. No need to be stroppy about it now. Okay, baby needs another scan, make sure you actually tell him you want him there this time, or will you punish him by saying he can’t and then getting in a huff?

Are you okay OP? Does the baby need another scan because he/she was in an awkward position for the measurements?

Why would anyone stop anyone from going to a scan... I'd hate for either of my children (1 being my step son) to be treated differently. Which is what's happened...

Baby does need another scan I'd rather not say why and I have a low lying placenta. I don't know what this means though they didn't really explain it to me other than I may need a c section. I had nobody to discuss it with or bounce of so was quite emotional.

Once you have the baby you will understand that they can’t be treated exactly the same all of the time.

Best of luck for both you and your sweet baby. It must be terrifying about needing a repeat scan and now a c-section. I'm hoping the relationship issues resolve and he is supporting you.I had an emergency caesarean due to other issues so I've been there however I didn't know in advance. Perhaps you can get info from your midwife or obstetrician about caesareans? Best of luck

OP, low lying placenta moves 99 times out of 100, it's nothing to worry about. If it hasn't moved enough by about 36 weeks you'll be booked for a CS- chances are that won't be needed.

Is the rescan because they couldn't get a measurement or see something clearly enough? I've had that a few times and its pretty common, you can't ask baby to move for a better view.

Have you actually told him you want him at the next one?

He wants to talk about it now but I'm really not ready to. He's just got in from his day out and I can barely look at him to be honest. I was terrified today and I needed him and he let me down. I'm so angry with him. I'll talk to him when I'm ready.

Hopefully the placenta moves then! They didn't explain anything to me. I texted my midwife because she doesn't like to be called and I haven't heard anything. The midwives this way aren't overly helpful. The sonographer just didn't explain anything to me. I had to read about it all on google

I was a given a leaflet about anterior and low placentas, by 22 weeks it had moved enough to not be a problem.

Most of the info on common things like low lying placentas is available pretty easily online with a quick search. The sonographers ime don't have time to explain things as they have to get the next person in.

Sorry but I think your over reacting just a bit.

It’s not nice for him to pick something else over your scan but it’s a scam, not the birth. I attended scans on my own because DH was working and couldn’t get the time off. Not great but it is what it is.

Try and relax over the RH negative, as pp’s have said. It’s not the worst problem in pregnancy

Some posters are being really horrid to the OP at a very sensitive time. If you can't say anything that isn't accusatory and mean (most of which seems to be based on people not having read the full thread or being extremely lacking in empathy) maybe just don't say anything. Lots of women would say "sure, go" because they don't want to be demanding and then think more and realise they are anxious about it. And OP did then speak to him about how she felt. It's also very different having him waiting outside, where he could be with her in a minute or two if there was an issue or worse a decision to be made, and at a theme park far away. I've gone to a few scans on my own as I'm a single mum (though my mum and brother came to the 20 week one as it is just so important and about anomalies, not gender as some people seem to think) and there have been a few heart stopping moments where not having anyone there has really hit me.

OP don't worry about the placenta thing, mine was low lying too and it has now moved. I think the stat is it only stays low in 1/20 women where they find it low at 20 weeks.

Have you booked in now for another scan?

Leomama81, thank you. I think these people are completely mental. It's not a gender reveal it's a nerve wrecking scan. And I totally agree about the decision making thing. Any decisions I'd have to make them alone with my partner, unsure of what he would want also. I was sobbing my heart out through the whole thing because I felt really alone. Because I don't know what it means to the baby to have a low placenta I panicked and needed someone. He let me down last min and it's not fair. I can barely look at him. Now he wants me to go through it all again and I'm just not ready to.

I have another scan in a week and then I think they do one at 34 weeks to check the placenta? She didn't explain it to me very Well lol.

'MMmomDD Mon 04-Nov-19 12:17:09
However - it’s quite telling when you said - it’d be OK if he missed it due to work vs being with his child.
Not sure what it is you gave up to be with him and his son - but you clearly aren’t accepting of his child being a priority.'

MMmom, that's bollox and insulting the OP unnecessarily. It's not that he's with his son that she objects to, it's that he's prioritized a jolly over something that could've been critical. He and his son can always go somewhere fun over many years, and will no doubt go to a theme park for a fun day out again. OP only gets one 20 week scan and it was an occasion he should've taken seriously.

Sorry you had a stressful time @Terri123456 . Hope all works out ok. Hugs xxx I can't blame you for hardly being able to look at him! I hope you asked him if he had a fun day out. Ha! (the cunt.)

Interestedwoman, thank you :) that's exactly it. I'm so insulted, I can't believe people are saying that I'm not accepting of My step son. I've done things for him that his own mother should have done and I've done it without complaint and with love. All I asked for was for my partner to be at my 20 week scan but it was unreasonable. Theme parks are open all year. I expected him to work it out to be at my 20 week. I'm his babysitter usually but this time he needed to find somebody else. He's quite happy to ask me all the time but won't ask anyone else.

I would have been really upset if my husband hadn't been at my children's 20 weeks scans. Surely a member of your partners family could have looked after your step son whilst you were at the scan, or even a parent at school may have helped out for an hour or so. I just can't imagine someone not wanting to see their baby on the scan and be there when you find out the gender. Sounds to me like you have been a good step mum and were only asking for a bit of support. Have you considered what will happen when you go into labour. Who will look after your step son then? Will your partner not be with you when you give birth?

P.s. I meant find out the sex not gender.

I asked him about the labour last night and he said there's a possibility he may not be there because of commitments to his son and sons mums contact time. Just doesn't seem fair. I said I'll move Bk home to my family to have the baby then but he said that's not fair on him... but it's ok for me to lose out.

I also asked the hospital if they would write the gender down for me but they refused. I found this really strange.

I also asked the hospital if they would write the gender down for me but they refused. I found this really strange.

It’s a MEDICAL appointment.

That's really not strange. Lots of trusts refuse to do this. It's not a gender scan it's a medical procedure.

OP it seems he is telling you where his priorities lie, and it doesn't seem to be with you. In honesty, I would be considering moving back to be with my family if I was being treated like this; it's not that easy I know, but he really doesn't sound arsed. I know to some men babies can almost seem like an abstract idea until they are here, but as he already has a child he shouldn't be feeling that way, surely. Hope you're okay, do what you need to do for you and your baby, if he is treating you badly he can't really go on about moving away not being fair.

Yes I know it's a medical appointment I only asked if they could. They said no, I said ok.... no issue and no harm in asking a question...

Yes I am thinking about it I'm too low on the priority list