Partner can't come to 20 week scan.

[Terri123456]

So, I don't know if I'm over reacting. My partner said to me his friend can get him 2 free tickets for him and his son (from a previous relationship) to a theme park on the day of my 20 week scan. I said to him that's great but what about my scan. He can't get anyone to look after his son anyway so he would have to wait outside as the hospital have a strict policy on not allowing children into the ultrasound. I was more than happy for him to wait outside. Anyway, he was umming and arrring about the whole thing so I said to him ok well why don't you go the theme park and I'll just go on my own. I expected him to respond saying no I want to be there for you even if I wait outside. But he never. He was like well if you're sure? I was shocked because it wasn't the response I expected. This is my first pregnancy. I'm also rhesus negative which has freaked me right out. I worry that if I'm on my own and god forbid there is something wrong I'm not going to be able to cope. My partner keeps saying it will be fine. I'm sure it will be but I really wanted him to want to be there to support me. But if he wanted to be there then he would. I feel like he's prioritised me and the baby below himself and his first son. I worry that I won't get the support I need when the baby is actually here if he is happy to miss out on a 20 week scan what else is he happy to miss out on. I now have to go to my 20 week scan alone and my family and friends all live 4 hours away. I'm so upset. I don't know how to handle it because I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and he can't find a way to go to my 20 week scan. HELP! Am i over reacting?

@Terri123456

I really feel for you. Some of the other posters are being terrible. Maybe you should go home to your mums and get the support you need.

Who watches the son while your DP is at work?

As a mum and grandma, please think about going home to have your baby. You need your family right now.

@Ginandgingers92 until People hear bad news at. Scan (which I have) I don't think they understand the importance of them if I'm honest.

Myself included. Until I got told my baby never had a heartbeat I just felt they were routine appointments with a high likelihood of everything being ok. I was so wrong.

@Curtainly circumstances change, and we celebrated when he came home.

@Hey1256 exactly. All too often things are taken for granted. "Oh it's just a scan, get over it, let him go to the theme park"...My god.
If my husband thought that and hadn't been with me throughout the various traumatising appointments we've had over the past few days (for which we are still in limbo), I don't know what I would have done. Also why the OP's P wouldn't want to come is beyond me. That's when you get to see your (hopefully healthy) child??

I see the usual suspects are leaping on a step mother.

Ignore the vipers, OP. It's how they get their jollies.

He's a selfish prick and in your place I'd be reevaluating the relationship. Going solo may be the best option.

I'm a bit shocked at how people are having a go (but I haven't been here all that long :) )

'I asked him about the labour last night and he said there's a possibility he may not be there because of commitments to his son and sons mums contact time. Just doesn't seem fair. I said I'll move Bk home to my family to have the baby then but he said that's not fair on him... but it's ok for me to lose out.'

No, no, this is wrong. He's still too attached to his ex and the idea of them as a family. Labour (well, giving birth at least) is usually viewed as emergency priority, and everything else is put on the back burner for that short time. If they find out their partner's in labour and in hospital, most men rush to the hospital as soon as they can!

Agree OP don't bother responding to the mean girls (who should really have a good think about how they are coming across). You are getting a bit of the anti-stepmother bias unfortunately. On another thread in different circumstances some of the same people would be telling you to LTB.

It is perfectly reasonable to say you might need to go back home for the birth if he can't commit to being there (because of childcare, really? If your DSS was your child together of course you'd sort childcare so your partner was there!) You obviously need a good birth partner and support around this.

He does need to realise he needs to step up and make your baby a priority at this point. He made this child too, it is just as important as his first particularly at this time.

Sorry, how am I the immature one? Of course I’m commenting when I read something I think is awful. Am I supposed to never read the thread because I disagree with some things?

OP has been on MN for all of a few posts.
And upon discovering that not everybody agrees with her - rather than thinking about it, or at least checking herself - she decides people are mean.
Very typical approach for people who view the world a certain way - ‘my way/highway’
Even in these few posts it seems clearer why her bf parents might not get along with her.
And I am starting to feel sorry for the man as well.
He didn’t manage the ultrasound situation well, granted. However - there must be so much more to the story.

And upon discovering that not everybody agrees with her - rather than thinking about it, or at least checking herself - she decides people are mean.

She's right. People are being vile.

Majority aren’t vile.
OP, on the other hand - has no shred of self doubt. Or self reflection.
And hasn’t elaborated on any questions.
And her story makes no sense either.

She is either highly hormonal which gives her a little excuse.
Or she is very young.

I am RH- and knew DH is RH+ so knew right from the off that Anti- D was needed. But that wasn't at the same time as 20 week scan. It was mildly uncomfortable but that was it.

I honestly can't remember if DH came to 20 week scan. Definitely 12 week as that was in his xmas break but I then had growth scans and so he definitely didn't come to all of them- think he came to the last one when we were deciding on induction.

I understand why you're upset but at the same time, if he's just got to sit outside with his other child, he's not going to be there anyway.

I think people are being unfair to the OP I’ve have my bio children looked after when I’ve gone to a scan in pregnancy, would people say I’m not prioritising my other children when they are looked after for an hour so I can have a scan? No one would say that so why say that to a step mum. He should find childcare for his son and support you. I hope it all went well

@Witchinaditch it's more that OP told her dp to go out with his ds in childish mind game that caused the issue, not a suggestion that the ds was looked after.

Yeah yeah you go the theme park... whilst I sit an create an issue and ignore everyone telling me how it is. Well played OP. Made your bed.. etc etc

Didn't the DP say that he couldn't get anyone to have him though?

So the choices were go to theme park, or take DS to the scan but the hospital doesn't allow children in the actual room so he'd have to wait outside, presumably with DP (not sure of child's age, perhaps he could have sat for 20mins with a book? Perhaps not and DP could have waited with him but still been there to support OP as soon as she'd come out)...

Or, option 3 which seems the obvious. Stop pussyfooting around his ex and putting her schedule out and say "sorry, it's my child's 20 week scan and the hospital won't allow him in or change the date, so for this one occasion, for very good reason, I can't have him, as I didn't miss his 20 week scan, and it's a one time event, I won't be missing this child's one either. I'll take him the next day, or the next, or the next, whatever suits" And that's without even mentioning to the ex that he needed to be there for OP due to potential problems, which have now transpired to be additional problems.

Instead of making a rubbish non issue over whose the child biologically is, it's very simple.

If my DH chose to miss our DC 20 week scan that I needed supporting through so he could take our other child to a theme park?? Or a stepchild. Or a niece, nephew... it's of no relevance. That scan was a one off event. It's huge for particularly a first pregnancy. And he had better things to do.

Absolutely OPs need for support for that unique event far exceeds any child's need to go to a theme park on the same day. If it was a pertinent occasion for DS, that you would prefer not to miss there'd be slightly more balance perhaps. But a day that could be done any other day, Vs a once in a lifetime moment with what's supposed to be his equally important child?

Bet he didn't miss DS 20 week scan. That was important enough.

it's very simple.

How is it? He has fully custody. How is he going to force the ex to have the child? OP has already said she's extremely awkward about her contact days.

Oh, this is the child he has full custody of? I misread. I thought this was a child living with an ex partner of his.

In which case, the child must be too small for school, or he wouldn't be off at a theme park, and therefore, it would have been perfectly fine to take him to a childminders for approximately 3hrs. £15-£20 for childcare if there's not one relative or friend at all available for one half day to watch him, would have been the answer. DP will have spent at least that at the theme park.

It’s an inset day.

So if he's of school age, he could have easily sat in the waiting room for 20mins with a colouring book or handheld game. Especially at hospitals where they have a "no children in the room" policy, they are used to having children wait temporarily and not only is the ultrasound unit sealed so he can't escape, the receptionists keep an eye, or a member of staff sits with them.

DS at age 5 waited in the doctors waiting room under a receptionists beady eye while I had a smear. It's fine. They know mothers can't get childcare sometimes. They make allowances for this. What do you think happens in the school holidays when mothers with school age DC have to get a scan and have to take their DC with them?

Courtney555
Its NOT appropriate to have a 5 year old sit on their own for 20 mins at an anomaly scan appointment.

If its vital to have dp their because of the potentially distressing outcomes of the appointment, you can't have a child there too!

Totally different to sitting outside while you have a smear.

I would say not ideal, but sometimes unavoidable.

He should have paid a childminder for a few hours.

Thats why so many of us are frustrated by the OP.

She knew her DP was not prioritizing the scan appointment the moment she knew he wouldn't at least try to make alternative arrangements for dss.

That was the time to tackle him about it.

I think it's easy to sit on the outside and say she didn't tackle it. She's already anxious (turns out rightly so) it's her first, and possibly only, pregnancy, and this is one of the key important moments.

I think if my DH has said, I'll take one of the kids to a theme park instead, I'd be so "what the actual fuck" and trying to contain both anger and upset and flooded with hormones, that I'd probably growl something along the lines "Can't think of a better place for you to be, you have a lovely time you twat "

I think we've all been in the position where we haven't confronted a situation adequately because we are so incredulous or shocked and upset that it takes us by surprise.