Partner can't come to 20 week scan.

[Terri123456]

So, I don't know if I'm over reacting. My partner said to me his friend can get him 2 free tickets for him and his son (from a previous relationship) to a theme park on the day of my 20 week scan. I said to him that's great but what about my scan. He can't get anyone to look after his son anyway so he would have to wait outside as the hospital have a strict policy on not allowing children into the ultrasound. I was more than happy for him to wait outside. Anyway, he was umming and arrring about the whole thing so I said to him ok well why don't you go the theme park and I'll just go on my own. I expected him to respond saying no I want to be there for you even if I wait outside. But he never. He was like well if you're sure? I was shocked because it wasn't the response I expected. This is my first pregnancy. I'm also rhesus negative which has freaked me right out. I worry that if I'm on my own and god forbid there is something wrong I'm not going to be able to cope. My partner keeps saying it will be fine. I'm sure it will be but I really wanted him to want to be there to support me. But if he wanted to be there then he would. I feel like he's prioritised me and the baby below himself and his first son. I worry that I won't get the support I need when the baby is actually here if he is happy to miss out on a 20 week scan what else is he happy to miss out on. I now have to go to my 20 week scan alone and my family and friends all live 4 hours away. I'm so upset. I don't know how to handle it because I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and he can't find a way to go to my 20 week scan. HELP! Am i over reacting?

@Courtney555 and what you're saying is absolutely ok. It's quite obviously a sarcastic remark and you'd be furious if he didn't go.

That's not what the OP did.

God forbid what you're saying is true OP, but I get the feeling you may make things sound worse to justify your case.

Really hope that's not what you're doing here.

I think it's easy to sit on the outside and say she didn't tackle it. She's already anxious (turns out rightly so) it's her first, and possibly only, pregnancy, and this is one of the key important moments.

*I think if my DH has said, I'll take one of the kids to a theme park instead, I'd be so "what the actual fuck" and trying to contain both anger and upset and flooded with hormones, that I'd probably growl something along the lines "Can't think of a better place for you to be, you have a lovely timeyou twat"

Absolutely! But this didn't come out of the blue, the night before the appointment.

Her 'D'P had already made it clear that OP and the scan were NOT his priority 12 weeks ago when the appointment was made. OP tried to change it but couldn't, and he didn't make any plans for his ds to be looked after just for the duration of the appointment.

*That" was the point to tackle it, 12 weeks ago. If my dp couldn't understand my anxiety, or accept my need for his support, I'd have spent the next 12 weeks evaluating the whole relationship.

Oh, I must have missed that. I didn't realise he made the unacceptable decision 12 weeks ago.

In which case, I'd probably have initially made the same comment, and if he hadn't worked it out within a week, I'd have then asked him wtf was wrong with him, and that not only was it a massive problem not to go, the fact that he needed it pointing out appalled me.

Didn't realise they both had three months notice.

Sorry Courtney, just to be clear, the theme park decision was the night before. They had had 12 weeks notice of the appt and knew from thecstart that it was dss inset day. OP said shed asked him to find someone to take dss but he wouldnt.

So OPs P was already planning on being outside the scan room with his 4 year old ds. So as far as the P was concerned going to theme park would make little difference. And in that he was probably correct. The 4 year old should not experience his sm in distress at the clinic

But as he was already off work, had 12 weeks notice he had every opportunity to at least try to make arrangements. OP knew he wouldn't even do that.

I always think it's very telling when an adult (particularly one living with a partner) talks about moving home (meaning their parents' house). It suggests that they don't see the place where they are actually living as home. Perhaps it's worth considering why not?

You're over reacting. It was YOU who said he should go to the theme park as he couldn't come into the scan anyway !

If you are scared and nervous then you can change the scan date so he can attend with you and come into the scan room. If you're just needing a hand hold then perhaps your mum or sister would be able to attend ?

Your rhesus status is immaterial, you're sounding like you're freaking out at the slightest thing tbh. You should contact your GP or midwife with your worries so that you can get information and support to help you relax a little, that's what they're there for.

Wishing you all the best. x

If he can't come in then he might as well go to the theme park...

Also, don't be freaked out about being rhesus negative....loads of people are. It just means they give you anti d injections and shouldn't cause any problems!

I get where your coming from but if he had to wait outside anyway he probably doesn't see the problem. That's just a man thing I think and they don't get the hormones.
I went to my first 20 week scan alone as Dp was in another country fishing. Had been booked for months in advance was just one of them things!
But as someone suggested he can treat you to a 4d scam for missing this and making up lost time seeing the baby and even get the keep sakes.
Or could you re arrange the appointment if it means so much to a day he doesn't have his son x

If you are scared and nervous then you can change the scan date so he can attend with you and come into the scan room
No. OP has explained they would not change the date.

op , I haven't read through the thread, but I think you need to think carefully before you start thinking along the lines of your partner "prioritising " his son above your baby. The fact is there are going to be lots of situations in the future when dates clash and your partner has to make choices. It is not about prioritising, it's about what happens when you have two sets of family commitments. He has as much responsibility to his first child as he will to his second, and if you start getting resentful now then you are in for many tearful arguments.

You made the choice to have a child with him knowing he already had a young child, I'm afraid as much of the responsibility for flexibility and compromise lies with you as it does with him. The children are going to be half siblings, you can't start off their relationship with resentment towards a little boy who didn't ask for his daddy to start a new family.

viques That’s what I feel as well. No one can treat all their children exactly the same all of the time, it’s impossible. And with him having custody of the child he will need to prioritise them more sometimes because the baby will also have a mum constantly around and so (in my home anyway) we pick a child each when things clash or one has a play and another has a hospital appointment etc.

I'd feel quite sad about this. My DP was fortunate enough to make all my scans. I'd be so disappointed if he couldn't come. I'm a worrier and I think going it alone would have made it worse for me.