Partner can't come to 20 week scan.

[Terri123456]

So, I don't know if I'm over reacting. My partner said to me his friend can get him 2 free tickets for him and his son (from a previous relationship) to a theme park on the day of my 20 week scan. I said to him that's great but what about my scan. He can't get anyone to look after his son anyway so he would have to wait outside as the hospital have a strict policy on not allowing children into the ultrasound. I was more than happy for him to wait outside. Anyway, he was umming and arrring about the whole thing so I said to him ok well why don't you go the theme park and I'll just go on my own. I expected him to respond saying no I want to be there for you even if I wait outside. But he never. He was like well if you're sure? I was shocked because it wasn't the response I expected. This is my first pregnancy. I'm also rhesus negative which has freaked me right out. I worry that if I'm on my own and god forbid there is something wrong I'm not going to be able to cope. My partner keeps saying it will be fine. I'm sure it will be but I really wanted him to want to be there to support me. But if he wanted to be there then he would. I feel like he's prioritised me and the baby below himself and his first son. I worry that I won't get the support I need when the baby is actually here if he is happy to miss out on a 20 week scan what else is he happy to miss out on. I now have to go to my 20 week scan alone and my family and friends all live 4 hours away. I'm so upset. I don't know how to handle it because I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and he can't find a way to go to my 20 week scan. HELP! Am i over reacting?

Really? You don't think attempting to be free to come to your baby's scan is a priority?
I have booked - one day with a childminder (who we ordinarily used), a day with a childminder (who we didn't use), a day at an after-school club that ran holiday camps. Failing that I'd try to swap a favour with another parent. They only need hours, not the whole day. The dp will have a better network than the OP.

It's really awful of him to pull out of going to the scan the day before. He needs to be there. Even if he's outside he can still be called into the room if he's needed.

He should never have even contemplated accepting the free theme park tickets. Can't dss go to the theme park with his friend and he goes to the scan?

Really? You don't think attempting to be free to come to your baby's scan is a priority?

Absolutely not what I said.

My dh didnt attend any scans or and anti natal visits......nor did anyone elses husbands / partners ..this was in the 80s
Tbh I would have never given it a thought , I couldnt drive then so off i caught a bus or walked , wirh other children in tow
Did it matter ? No ..not in the least
Has it affected my children's lives or our relationship...of course not

Why were you trying to sort out the school run on an inset day?

You've said to him to go. You need to say what you mean not expect him to read your mind

I can see it from both sides but ultimately i think he needs to be there

He needs to book his DC into childcare for a few hours and go with you to your anomoly scan. What if its bad news? I went to a 20 week scan to be told my baby had no kidneys and probably wouldnt survive the pregnancy. I would not of wanted to be told that news on my own.

Speak to him properly and tell him he needs to come. If its good news life will be lovely but if it is bad news you will never forgive him for choosing not to be there

readitandwept

You can book childcare for inset days. Too late now but that's what should have been done

Says who? Certainly can't randomly book childcare for one day per year where I live.

You can where i live. And you can with most nurserys nowadays

I completely understand why you want your dh there.

But, there are some mixed messages flying around from you.

As everyone is saying, it is the anomaly scan and there is the (very small) possibility of distressing news. This is why children are not allowed. I would never take a child even to sit outside.

This discussion should have taken place weeks ago when the date couldn't be changed. Your dh could not fulfill the role you need as well as take care of dss. Because there is the possibility that you might receive distressing news, dss should not be present at the hospital end of.

I can understand you being disappointed he can't go to the scan, you could ask for the date to be changed if it's that important to you, as others have said. But from what you said you'd be going in alone anyway, and as he has the choice to either take his son on a day out or make him sit outside a room for a scan neither of them are attending, I'm not at all surprised his preference is to go. It's totally reasonable. Perhaps he could be more apologetic but you also sound very anxious - being rhesus negative is really common! Lots of women are and complications from it are so rare. Just have the injection at 28 weeks (and any other time if you had a fall on your bump). I know pregnancy is an anxious time, but being Rh negative is a normal variation of pregnancy that is managed as any other part of your antenatal care, it's not a risk factor in and of itself! Sounds like you're quite anxious and (I can understand why) not taking this very well, but I don't think your partner is doing wrong here.

Not sure why you need to make it this big deal. As a mother, later on - you will be often on your own with a baby and responsible for their well being - and you won’t be able to relay on anyone. Or be able to fall apart.
So - you need to start putting yourself into that mindset now.

It also sounds a little bit like you need him to show you that he prioritises you+this baby over his son. And that is sad.

Let him spend time with his boy. They don’t have that much time any longer when they are just the two of them. It will be always time split between children, or doing thjng S together. And first child will suffer as a result.

I had two kids and it never occurred to me to have my H there. He was aware and free to come. But there was no need for him to be there. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The opinion OP probably receives on this probably depends on previous scan experiences for lots of women.

Some women are lucky enough to have had all good scans with no issues and therefore don't see that OH not attending would be a problem.

However, for other women they have received devastating news and have very much needed the support of their OH.

I have had several scans in which I have been told my baby has died. One of these was after a normal scan with hb two weeks' before.

I honestly don't know how I'd have coped hearing this news had I been alone.

For me, scans are very frightening and I never just assume all will be well. I'm ten weeks pg with my third and have my dating scan in two weeks. I am absolutely terrified, especially as I am now 39 and my last pregnancy was 10 years ago.

I cannot imagine my OH not being with me.

Just regarding the Rhesus negative thing - this doesn't have any effect on your first pregnancy, at all. It only affects later pregnancies, and even then it's a very minor issue.

OP how many opportunities would he have to go to a theme park with his son? As others have suggested this may be a unique opportunity to do this before his son gets much older. Of course there is a problem something may go wrong with the scan, but the probability would still be low. Is there anyone else you can take with you? Or at least be available to call?

You are not overreacting. He should make an effort to be there for you at that time.

My DH couldnt be there either when I had my 20 weeks scan due to living on the other side of the world. He was there though, because we used the video call option on whatsapp. And I took 2 friends with me for support.
Perhaps this might be a solution for you?

Can you ask anyone else to attend with you? After a scan where it was confirmed ds2 was dead. I refuse to attend scans on my own. Which meant I took dm one time and my grandmother another time dh couldn't come. He knows he needs to give me minimum two weeks notice if he can't attend. Unless it is an emergency then I would take whoever is free on the day (that is why I took my grandmother as she was the only person free on a random Wednesday morning). Cast your net wider and ask more people for help. Last time I had bad news on my own, for some reason I truly struggled getting the words out. Why make a possible hard situation worse? Tell your dh to sort out childcare asap. Next time, be clear that you need him to be there for emotional support.

RainMinusBow

I get what you are saying. Both my last two pregnancies were fine and the scans didn’t worry me at all however, my second was born with health issues and if I get pregnant again I will extra scans, more in depth checks etc and some will be in a hospital much further away. I will have to attend these alone. It’s just one of those things when there are other children involved. Our second has health issues and we don’t have anyone that can look after her so if I need to attend scans in the future I’ll need to do so alone. No point bringing the kids just for them to wait in a room with others while being noisy or playing up or in my younger ones case having a meltdown and not coping. I see the ops disruption as similar, he has a kid that he needs to look after and taking the child out for the day makes more sense than having him wait outside a room. These things need thought through before deciding to have a baby with someone who already has responsibilities to another child.

Situation not disruption.

”The opinion OP probably receives on this probably depends on previous scan experiences for lots of women.

Some women are lucky enough to have had all good scans with no issues and therefore don't see that OH not attending would be a problem.”

True. However it is really disappointing to see such a staggering lack of empathy from women who have been fortunate enough not to have had bad news at a scan. It’s one thing acknowledging that they were lucky enough not to need support, it’s quite another thing being so self-involved and lacking in awareness that they literally can’t understand why anyone would think the father needs to be there.

Think of it this way:

What if you had another child or several already that had to be cared for and there is no-one else apart from your partner to do it? Or he has work commitments he cannot change?

My husband and I are in this situation. We are abroad with no family, self-employed and I'm expecting DC3. My husband came to all the antenatal appointments and scans for DD (the eldest), came to one or two for DS, but hasn't come to any for this one. It won't happen either, I think, as he's now far too busy and juggling work with my appointments at my ob is already difficult enough.

Other than that, I don't see what the problem could be with a child in the room. My ob allows them and has them regularly. Maybe he likes children, especially if he delivered them?

Other than that, I don't see what the problem could be with a child in the room

Dead baby? Serious medical problems for the baby?

It’s a medical procedure, not a family outing.

You just need to go and get on with it.

My DH worked, I didn’t ask him to take time off for any of mine, would rather he took time off after babies were born.

I did receive bad news at one of my scans. Not sure what use he would have been there. He’s not medically qualified and would have just asked silly questions to be brought up to speed so while I was upset I would only have been upset and irritated had he had been there I suspect. Nothing he could have done to change the news or make anything better.

In your case he couldn’t come in anyway as he has care of his child so not sure of the difference? If you receive bad news he can’t come in and leave his child unattended so what’s the difference or purpose of him being there but unavailable? In the unlikely event of something being wrong his child is then subject to an uncontrollable situation in public as opposed to a more controlled situation at home where they can be sent off to watch tv while you talk etc.

I’ve never heard of a hospital that has a “strict policy” on not allowing children to scans

My local one is strictly no under 14s at scans

it is really disappointing to see such a staggering lack of empathy from women who have been fortunate enough not to have had bad news at a scan. It’s one thing acknowledging that they were lucky enough not to need support, it’s quite another thing being so self-involved and lacking in awareness that they literally can’t understand why anyone would think the father needs to be there.

This x10000000.

I don't see what the problem could be with a child in the room

Ffs!

The child should never have been included in the plan in the first place.

I've received bad news at scans for 5 babies now. I found it easier alone due to the staff. I remember having my ex there and we were told our baby was dead. The person doing the scan barked at me "remember your partner will be upset. You'll need to look after him it's not just you". I hadn't even cried or said anything and was well aware he would be upset but I knew the physical pain I had to come as well which he obviously wouldn't have and she's telling me to look after him! She then tried to make me sit in a room with all the heavily pregnant women and tried to tell me I'd be stopped by security when I was walking out!

When I've been on my own they've always been a lot kinder.