Partner can't come to 20 week scan.

[Terri123456]

So, I don't know if I'm over reacting. My partner said to me his friend can get him 2 free tickets for him and his son (from a previous relationship) to a theme park on the day of my 20 week scan. I said to him that's great but what about my scan. He can't get anyone to look after his son anyway so he would have to wait outside as the hospital have a strict policy on not allowing children into the ultrasound. I was more than happy for him to wait outside. Anyway, he was umming and arrring about the whole thing so I said to him ok well why don't you go the theme park and I'll just go on my own. I expected him to respond saying no I want to be there for you even if I wait outside. But he never. He was like well if you're sure? I was shocked because it wasn't the response I expected. This is my first pregnancy. I'm also rhesus negative which has freaked me right out. I worry that if I'm on my own and god forbid there is something wrong I'm not going to be able to cope. My partner keeps saying it will be fine. I'm sure it will be but I really wanted him to want to be there to support me. But if he wanted to be there then he would. I feel like he's prioritised me and the baby below himself and his first son. I worry that I won't get the support I need when the baby is actually here if he is happy to miss out on a 20 week scan what else is he happy to miss out on. I now have to go to my 20 week scan alone and my family and friends all live 4 hours away. I'm so upset. I don't know how to handle it because I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and he can't find a way to go to my 20 week scan. HELP! Am i over reacting?

Do you always skirt around how you actually feel and then get mad when he chooses what you wouldn’t? I mean, you suggested he goes instead of attending the scan, if only one choice was correct for you, you should have said. This seems silly, he would have had to wait outside anyway with his son so why shouldn’t he take his son somewhere nice? It’s a scan, you will be fine and he is obviously going to take his other kid out alone sometimes even once the baby is here so I guess it’s one of those things that you should talk about and get used to the idea of.

Obviously if the person genuinely can't get the time off work that's different, though I imagine most employers would be accommodating of someone going to a scan these days. But OP's partner is choosing to do something that's comparatively just for laughs instead.

@CherryPavlova most people are very lucky. Not everyone is, and I can't imagine any husband and father willing to take the chance - I don't know a single one who missed the 20 week scan. I appreciate working away can't be avoided and in those circumstances where you physically couldn't be there - I can't imagine how awful that would be and my sympathies are with anyone going into that scan alone.

And yes, there has never been any question of any of the prospective fathers I work with taking time out to attend the scan. In fact, I think that legally prospective fathers have the right for unpaid time off to attend two antenatal apps as minimum (although I've never worked anywhere or known anyone who has actually been expected to take it as unpaid, I assume there will be employers who may not pay) unlike prospective mothers who are entitled to take paid time off for all apps.

Cherry my dh works for the civil service and gets paid leave for the 12th and 20 week scans six hours per appointment.

so I said to him ok well why don't you go the theme park and I'll just go on my own

So - why are you now mad, when he has taken the solution you offered him ?

Like many others here, I went to scans on my own - dh would have been at work. If you really think there might be an issue, then don't you have a friend or relation who can come with you ?

I'm also in the 'really?' camp in terms of you not having been able to rearrange this with the hospital. I get that they have a limited time frame, but the NHS is keen to get rid of 'no shows' for appts so will usually be accommodating in terms of making sure the appt is one the patient can attend.

Are they doing scans at weekends now then ? Or isn't your dp's son at school ?

Op I get it. Its not about him missing the scan as in seeing the baby it's about being there in the eventuality something isn't quite right.

Also to put the spin on it if he was at theme park and he gets that call how will he cope having to get back to you.

I'm sure everything will be just fine and your little baby will be growing perfectly but sadly I have been that woman who got bad news at the 20week scan so my advice is sit him down and explain you feel like you need support and although he'll be in waiting room you feel he should be present. Maybe suggest a day you, him and his ds go to theme park or somewhere as a treat to ds for missing out

Men tend to be less invested with a second baby (if it's by a different mother). Of course not always, though generally. Reverse psychology doesn't tend to work on men so I'd just tell him what you need

I went to my first pregnancies 12 week scan alone, I'd had some bleeding so knew there could be bad news and thought I'd be able to handle it. I got the bad news and absolutely broke down, my sister came out of lessons early (she went to a school five minutes away) and my mum and nan drove from half an hour away. I would never ever go to a scan alone again, even if I just had someone outside in case I needed them it would be better than either sitting sobbing your heart out in the waiting room/outside the hospital or having to get home whilst dealing with anything.
I can understand that maybe he just doesn't realise there could be bad news, and for a lot of men the pregnancy doesn't really equal baby to them, but you need to sit him down and tell him that he absolutely has to cancel the theme park plans, you're sorry for not telling him that's what you wanted straight away but you don't want to go alone. Could you make it up to his son with a different kind of treat if he already knows he was supposed to go to a theme park?
Chances are everything is okay, and I really hope it is, but there's still a risk.

I will go agains the tide and day that scan is not the end of the world. I have 2 children. My partner did not go to any of the scans or even drs appointments. Stop hyperventilating and think positively. The news going to be the same if your partner is there with you, outside hospital or at the fun-park with his son.
Bigger issue IMO is you are not happy about your partner's attention being diverted to his son.

Can you take a friend? My husband couldn't come to several scans (2 kids) due to travelling with work.
Be good to have someone with you but I do think you are being a bit unreasonable as you said to go to the theme park.

For people saying I didn't try to change the scan I genuinely did. I wanted it on a different day and a bit earlier so it wouldn't interfere with school run times for my step son. I can't believe anyone would accuse me of actually not trying to change the appointment. My scan is tomorrow and he decided to go theme park today... until that point he was coming with me and waiting outside with my stepson. All my family live 4 hours away as do my friends. So unfortunately I don't have my own support network down here and his family haven't supported the pregnancy. Hence why I'm feeling alone and scared.

@Terri123456 I agree with @Kdubs1981 . Maybe it won't sell it to him, but you can't have a partner who's not up for anything at all in life ever that's not guaranteed to be going to be just a barrel of laughs- 'life isn't all ha ha hee hee,' sooner or later we all have to face some shit times and our partners should be there for us.

You could tell him that

1. it'll be nice, he'll get to see the baby (assuming he cares)

and

2. Somehow subtly say there are sometimes issues in which case women appreciate their partner there for support.

In my 2 pregnancies, 10 years apart, when I had the scans each time I was told... (TW)

there was no heart beat, the baby was dead. I'm thankful that my then partners were there to support me, to one extent or another.

Admittedly, these were earlier scans. At the 20 week scans, possible worse case scenarios are the same as mine, or that the baby has serious deformities and will not survive.

Aaargh- the son can wait outside on his own, can't he? I suppose we don't know how old he is, but old enough to go to a theme park.

Childcare at the minimum wage for a couple of hours is easy enough to sort.

Change the date. If he doesn’t come then, you know he doesn’t care.

He should be at school (the son) surely - is it a holiday anywhere tomorrow? But OP says he would need to wait outside - so is he under school age?
It's not about this child still being a priority, of course he is, but I wouldn't have prioritised something for dc1 when going to the scan for dc2.
I worry OP that you are having your first dc (a potentially isolating experience) with no one close to you within 4 hours - other than your dp, who isn't supporting you.

Interestedwoman I’m not sure I’d leave a kid outside alone. Also, what if there is bad news? It’s not like he can ignore his son is there so he will still be a priority at the time. I didn’t think of childcare but I think it’s too late for that now. I still think this is on op for suggesting he goes instead then, she should have made clear she wanted him there but hindsight and all that.

We have an inset day tomorrow,

It's too late now to change anything - but I hope all goes well OP

CherryPavlova what do DH do? The same as there partners or wife and take time off work....

I think that if he is going to be sitting outside and not going to the scan anyway he and his son might as well have a nice day out. I might have missed this detail but is there any reason why someone else couldn't accompany you to the scan?
Rh negative shouldn't be a worry as far as the scan is concerned.
I totally understand that one might feel apprehensive about anomaly scans but in that case surely your partner would be better being in with you and not outside with his son.
You agreed that he could go to the theme park so cannot rally find fault with him for doing so.
I must admit I didn't expect my DH to attend scans . He was at work and apart from one where there were some worries about the pregnancy with DC3 and we had to go up to London ; I just went alone.

”Gracious. My husband never came to any scans. I couldn’t imagine even considering it being an issue. Do most husbands really take leave to attend? What if they can’t?”

When I found out at a 20 week scan that the baby wasn’t going to survive the pregnancy, I needed my husband with me. Maybe you wouldn’t have done, but surely you can scrape up a bit of empathy and realise most women would need that?

Yes, of course most fathers take time off work, and actually it is now a legal entitlement anyway.

hope everything goes well with your scan OP. I'm sure it will be fine.

For people saying I didn't try to change the scan I genuinely did. I wanted it on a different day and a bit earlier so it wouldn't interfere with school run times for my step son.

Are there two step sons? One going to school that you tried to change the appointment to avoid clashing with school run and one who would have had to wait outside with your DP but is now going to the theme park? I'm confused.

Tomorrow is an inset day this way. Kids are off school still. Step son is 4 nearly 5

Does he understand that this is a scan to look for problems and that you could be given very bad news? I think you need to explain to him that it's something it's best to have support for, and that you need him there for moral support in case things are not well.

Like others, I have been told my baby had died at a scan, and I'd never go alone. I could hardly walk out of that appointment. It was the worst experience ever and I needed my husband.

You can book childcare for inset days. Too late now but that's what should have been done. Assuming child has no other relatives who could mind him for a couple of hours.
He is very young for his dad to have moved on and be having a new baby.

You can book childcare for inset days. Too late now but that's what should have been done

Says who? Certainly can't randomly book childcare for one day per year where I live.