Partner can't come to 20 week scan.

[Terri123456]

So, I don't know if I'm over reacting. My partner said to me his friend can get him 2 free tickets for him and his son (from a previous relationship) to a theme park on the day of my 20 week scan. I said to him that's great but what about my scan. He can't get anyone to look after his son anyway so he would have to wait outside as the hospital have a strict policy on not allowing children into the ultrasound. I was more than happy for him to wait outside. Anyway, he was umming and arrring about the whole thing so I said to him ok well why don't you go the theme park and I'll just go on my own. I expected him to respond saying no I want to be there for you even if I wait outside. But he never. He was like well if you're sure? I was shocked because it wasn't the response I expected. This is my first pregnancy. I'm also rhesus negative which has freaked me right out. I worry that if I'm on my own and god forbid there is something wrong I'm not going to be able to cope. My partner keeps saying it will be fine. I'm sure it will be but I really wanted him to want to be there to support me. But if he wanted to be there then he would. I feel like he's prioritised me and the baby below himself and his first son. I worry that I won't get the support I need when the baby is actually here if he is happy to miss out on a 20 week scan what else is he happy to miss out on. I now have to go to my 20 week scan alone and my family and friends all live 4 hours away. I'm so upset. I don't know how to handle it because I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and he can't find a way to go to my 20 week scan. HELP! Am i over reacting?

It’s not a lack of empathy on my part. It’s a dislike and concern that everything becomes worrying and worst case scenarios become the expected. It’s unhealthy to think like that. It creates anxiety that can be damaging to the developing child.
A father being present is nice but hardly essential.

For the record, I’ve been for scans where there is no heartbeat but, I guess, I went in already being pretty certain that was the case.

PurpleDaisies

Funny that my ob allows them then, isn't it? I mean, same medical 'procedure', same potential bad news.
Maybe he just sees more people who have no child care at their beck and call?

My midwife even offered to take DD to her MLU if labour had started and she couldn't be taken care of straightaway. Now that I found a tad inappropriate for the child. She shouldn't see me in pain, surely?

”It’s a dislike and concern that everything becomes worrying and worst case scenarios become the expected.”

At none of the scans where I had bad news was it what I “expected”. However the purposes of the 20 week scan is to find out whether there is anything wrong. That’s the whole point of it. And I’m afraid it does display a lack of empathy not to understand why most women would want their partner with them in those circumstances. Of course that’s not unhealthy!

Part of the issue op is not being honest with him about your needs.

If he brings the child and something is wrong, how well could he support you with a young child wanting to know what's wrong, when they can go home, needing a wee etc.

I'm sure you tried to rearrange the appt but if you call and say you're unable to make X days and they say "well then you don't have a scan at all" I'd be asking to speak to someone else as thry can't just refuse a reasonable request.

He said do you mind, yo u said no. You needed to have said yes given how you feel.

Def get him to pay for a private scan in a few weeks

Hope it all went eel

I’ve never heard of a hospital that has a “strict policy” on not allowing children to scans

It's very common. Small children can cause distraction for the somographer trying to carry out a medical procedure. It's not a family day out, the only people who need to be present are the sonographer and the pregnant woman. People who bring children and expect to have them in the room are turned away at the 3 hospitals near me.

It's nice to have a partner there, but leaving a 4 year old sat in a waiting room alone is not acceptable nor would having the 4 year old there if there was bad news. The chances of something serious being found are pretty small though.

If the OP wanted her partner there the childish mind games were the wrong way to go about it.

@SleepingStandingUp has the right idea.

This bloke sounds so intelligent, deep and thoughtful. A theme park is more important? Really?

I'm pretty sure you can get another date from the hosp OP, please call again. Or, he can pay for a private scan.

Forgot to say, he's taken you telling him to go at face value because he assumes you're an adult who wouldn't play mind games. Maybe don't do that any more as, as you've found out, it backfires.

I think people are missing the point of how anxiety inducing the 20 week scan is, I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant and remember feeling so overwhelmed and scared for both the 12 week scan and 20 week scan.

I think he's being unreasonable, however I don't think he will understand your fears as a lot of other posters haven't. My husband also doesn't unless I speak to him and tell him.

Pregnancy is such an exciting but scary time and it's so easy to overthink everything (your future and him putting his first son before your baby). Try and relax about it all and honestly, the scan will be amazing and you can call him as soon as you're out. Also mention to the sonographer that you're feeling anxious and I'm sure they'll talk you through everything and help you feel at ease.

Enjoy it! and spell it out to your husband in future, they need it (well mine certainly does ha ha) xxx

I wanted my husband to hear the bad news at exactly the same time as me, as I did not want to have to tell him the news, either in person or on the phone.

But he wouldn't have been with you even if he didn't go to the theme park, so I think you are being a little bit unreasonable.

You also suggested to him that he goes to the theme park.

He can't read your mind. If you didn't want him to go, you should have told him.

The 20 week scan is an anomaly scan. It's the most important one of the lot! People think oh it's just about finding the gender but it's far far more than that.

I understand that he couldn't be in the room but not being there in the waiting room/consultant appointment is not good at all.

Try not to worry about the rh neg thing. I'm rh neg and you just need to be more aware of bleeding/bruising and let them know if it happens. You'll likely have an anti d injection around 28 weeks and then at birth they'll blood type your baby. If baby is rh positive you'll have another anti d if they are also rh neg then nothing else to do!

If you really can't change the date then do try and take someone with you for support. Men are so literal at times he really will just think it's ok to go because you said so!

The 20 week anatomy scan is not 'just a scan' it is a big deal. I don't wish to frighten the OP but a lot of women receive devastating news at this scan. I don't think it's unreasonable of her to want her partner there for support. Even if he is sat outside with his son, it's not ideal but he'd be there.

If the theme park thing is set in stone now I'd ring the hospital again and see if you can get it changed to a day when he doesn't have his son so the focus can be on checking the health of the new baby. If it really cannot be changed then could you ask a friend or relative to come with you? I appreciate it's a long journey for them maybe they could make a mini visit out of it?

Men are so literal at times he really will just think it's ok to go because you said so! in my relationship if one of us tells the other they're ok with something then we believe them because we're adults who don't play silly games.

@CherryPavlova, but I bring people with me to scans to reduce anxiety. If something is wrong with the baby, then that is a fact that no one can change. But then, you would be the person that has to go and break your dh heart, tactfully and be in a position they might ask questions you are not ready for. If they or a trusted person attends with you, then you can nominate them as bad news announcer. Ps, I'm very clear that is the reason I take people with me. It would be unfair on them otherwise.

Oh how dramatic. You’re being ridiculous...and playing games saying he can go. He checked that you actually meant it suggesting you have form for game playing.

So why not just change the day of your scan? Surely that was the logical thing to do when you both knew he couldn't come into the room anyway? If he can't come in, you are there yourself anyway, or am I missing something?

It's a tricky one and your DH is being pulled between his son and his new baby/DW.

It's hard going into a 20 week scan alone but it's doable and was absolutely fine in the end. The thought of it was worse than the reality.

Yes there might be bad news but you'll get through it. (To the posters who'll jump on me - yes I've had this as well where one twin had died so I've been there)

In life sometime shit happens and you can't always be together. It's a shame but it is what it is.

There is an entire world of difference between a partner who can't make the scan due to work commitments and one who has chosen to go on a free day out to a theme park - the two are not comparable.

My husband missed my 12 and 20 week scans this time round due to work (he is a farmer and both scans were during very busy times). That is fine - I married him knowing he was committed to the farm and he is a tremendous father to our toddler.

If he had chosen a day out at a theme park over supporting his wife I would be considering my position though. Scans can be anxiety inducing and in his situation he should have prioritised his partner and arrange hold care for his other child. It's not about drama or competition - it's just a grown up way to approach things.

Thank you frillyfarmer and everyone else for the kind comments.

I do realise I should have been upfront about how I feel. That was wrong on my part. But he knows now and has still gone.

He hasn't asked me to call him when I'm out or anything like that. He called me unreasonable for wanting him there as he can't actually come in anyway and if there is bad news he "only" an hour away. I've given up everything to be here for him and his son and sacrificed a lot.

To the people saying change the date, I HAVE TRIED!!!!! QA hospital in protsmouth have said they can't and that there's no other availability. I am going to put a complaint in about it. The letter also states in bold no children allowed in.... so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I understand life happens sometimes and if it was work commitments preventing him being there I'd have been totally understanding of that but it's not. Until yesterday I was under the impression he would wait outside... if I'd have known this a couple of days ago that he wouldn't be there then I would have got my family or friend to get a train or flight here to be with me. But it's too short notice the day before. Instead i have to put them on video call so I don't feel somewhat alone.

To the people saying grow up it's fine it's only a scan, you're right in that I am lucky enough to have an easy pregnancy for the time being but even so, I don't know what's going to happen in this 20 weeks scan. I'm frightened of receiving bad news alone as I don't know how I'll react. This is my first baby... I don't know how I'll react. I feel very sorry for any woman that has to hear bad news at their scan. Where is everyone's compassion and humanity?

To the women who have had bad news, thank you for your support and I'm really sorry you had to go through that. X

OP - hope your scan goes Ok.

However - it’s quite telling when you said - it’d be OK if he missed it due to work vs being with his child.
Not sure what it is you gave up to be with him and his son - but you clearly aren’t accepting of his child being a priority.
You are somehow seeing it as a competition and not thinking of the effect of this all on the child.
It’s highly likely this will come up again and again between the two of you.
I, for one, am happy that he is such a good father and has his priorities straight.
He IS only an hour away. He won’t be able to do anything irrespective of what news you receive. And you do need to grow up and be an adult here. Which means relying on yourself first and foremost

I am fed up of people saying I'm not prioritising his son. I do everything for his son. I love him like my own and all I want is some support in return. I'm not asking him to choose. I never would. I'm asking for support. That's not unreasonable. My baby is currently being put second and the baby and his son should be put first together. Both equally important and at the moment they aren't.

He needs to be a good father to both children. Not just his first born.

Your partner right now is prioritising time with the child that is currently old enough to understand if daddy isn't there - which obviously leaves you alone. I've been alone too on my 20 week scan - and it was horrible. It must be hard for you being to shoved to second best like this. I can also understand why your partner would want to make the most of spending time with his son. It's a catch 22.

I hope your scan goes ok. I have had bad news during two pregnancies so scans understandably terrify me, I wouldn’t want to go through that alone. After the second one DH and I were sent to ‘the counselling room’ and made to wait for around an hour and half for the first available consultant. I definitely couldn’t have coped with that alone.

Most scans go ok so you should be fine but it isn’t supportive of him at all.

Exactly. He could have given the tickets to someone else and asked them to take his son or gone another day. The fact the tickets are free is the only reason he's going today. I feel like he's had a better offer so went with it