Partner can't come to 20 week scan.

[Terri123456]

So, I don't know if I'm over reacting. My partner said to me his friend can get him 2 free tickets for him and his son (from a previous relationship) to a theme park on the day of my 20 week scan. I said to him that's great but what about my scan. He can't get anyone to look after his son anyway so he would have to wait outside as the hospital have a strict policy on not allowing children into the ultrasound. I was more than happy for him to wait outside. Anyway, he was umming and arrring about the whole thing so I said to him ok well why don't you go the theme park and I'll just go on my own. I expected him to respond saying no I want to be there for you even if I wait outside. But he never. He was like well if you're sure? I was shocked because it wasn't the response I expected. This is my first pregnancy. I'm also rhesus negative which has freaked me right out. I worry that if I'm on my own and god forbid there is something wrong I'm not going to be able to cope. My partner keeps saying it will be fine. I'm sure it will be but I really wanted him to want to be there to support me. But if he wanted to be there then he would. I feel like he's prioritised me and the baby below himself and his first son. I worry that I won't get the support I need when the baby is actually here if he is happy to miss out on a 20 week scan what else is he happy to miss out on. I now have to go to my 20 week scan alone and my family and friends all live 4 hours away. I'm so upset. I don't know how to handle it because I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and he can't find a way to go to my 20 week scan. HELP! Am i over reacting?

You need to ask the hospital again about changing the dates. They made a fuss about doing it, but they did it.

For me I mean. I had lots of huffing and puffing but they did it.

hes sitting outside anyhow so i dont see the issue if im honest.

I would have gone to my 20 week scan alone,any bad news i would have relayed it after but i am one of these people who likes to process things in my head first alone.

OP how old is his DS?

I'd be livid about it tbh. ffs it's a theme park. Can't he take his DS on another day? I find it hard to believe the free tickets are only good for that day, the day of your scan.

carly2803 have you ever went to a scan and received bad news? I am tough as old boots but I can assure you when I was 22 weeks pregnant and told there was no heart beat there was no time to process it in my own head, I was truly devastated and then had to wait for my OH to come as I had told him not to bother coming to this scan

Jesus Christ.
This was tour suggestion not his. Just talk to him. Hubby I know I suggested you go to theme park but I was being silly and I'd actually be upset if you weren't at the scan I would much prefer you came along. Can anybody mind dson for an hour?

Is he in touch with parents from school? Can he stay with a friend for an hour?

Honestly how do you expect to have a relationship where you're playing games like this? I'd be more worried about that than something going wrong. If you were honest with him you wouldn't need to ask this here

I tried to change the date weeks ago but the hospital wouldn't budge. They said it's that or nothing. So I can't win really.

Really? What if you had a holiday booked already? Were working away? Had another important conflicting appointment? Is this the hospital you'll be having your baby at? Doesn't bode well, if so.

@Terri123456 firstly there is no way I would go to any scan without DH - I've had a few extra ones and he wouldn't even consider me going alone. I completely understand how you feel.

However there is a bigger issue here - if you two can't find child cover for an hour during a scan, what will you do when you go into labour? You really need to address this now, because so many things could happen and you need to have some sort of plan for emergency care for either child should that be necessary.

I don't think you're overreacting the 20 week scan can bring bad news and can. Be scary however I had to go mine alone for DS1 because his dad couldn't get time off. I was a bit naive then and didn't realise that you could get bad news really. Baby was in an annoying position so they sent me for a walk and snack ... lady who went inafter me came
Out in floods of tears .... I'll never forget the look on her husbands face

Maybe you can book a private scan before hand just to Make sure it's all ok? So then you'll feel
Comfortable going to the nhs one alone?

The hospital will move your scan. You didn't try to change it weeks ago.

You need to stop playing this game now. Change the scan to a date that suits and sort out possible child care for when you go into labour

20 week scan is very important. You could receive very important news, and (god forbid) be sent away to make a really serious decision.

And he wants to go to a theme park?

No. He finds someone else to take his son to a theme park (I’m sure that is actually pretty easy- dream play date) and he comes with you.

I had awful news at a 20 week scan and if I had been on my own I would never forgive my DH had he been off at a fecking theme park. It’s a medical appointment, not some fun jolly for you.

To those incredulous that the hospital wont budge on the scan date;
There is a specific window when they can do the 20 week scan. If it is postponed too far ahead the baby will have grown too much to be able to determine certain things.

Since they are working with biological constraints and probably under resourced, I can quite believe they cant change the date.
Yes, they want you to have the scan, but at the end of the day if someone is on holiday that week, there’s not much they can do about it.

It never bodes well to get into a competition with an existing child. Change the date if it's important he comes rather than just having him sitting outside while you're scanned.

Gracious. My husband never came to any scans. I couldn’t imagine even considering it being an issue. Do most husbands really take leave to attend? What if they can’t?

He should organise alternative childcare and be at your scan, in the room. He sounds like a bit of a dickhead but you've not really helped the situation by telling him to go when you clearly had an issue with that.

Book a private scan for before this scan.

Stop making this a contest and a drama. It's very easily solved.

personally i do not care if DP comes to scans. he does if he can but otherwise 🤷‍♀️ not helped by the novelty worn off as I'm on about my fifth or sixth but still he couldn't come to 12 week because he was away for work and i didn't reschedule it cos I'm too impatient

@CherryPavlova 'Gracious. My husband never came to any scans. I couldn’t imagine even considering it being an issue.'

Not to be grizzly, but I had 2 pregnancies and scans for each where I received the worst news possible. I can see that a lot/most women would want their partner there, and most men would want to be there if they could. Not least because, if the man wants the baby, it could be a lovely experience seeing the baby and he would want to.

@CherryPavlova are you aware of what can happen at the 20 week scan? How many people get worrying or bad news? It's an anomaly scan - the specific purpose of which is to identify problems or anomalies with the baby physiologically. They look for serious issues - brain, spine, heart. What sort of a DH would expect you to face that sort of thing alone - I wouldn't expect my husband to attend an appointment to look for serious health issues with our child and receive potential bad news there and then by himself - I would be with him so we could support each other.

I may be bucking the trend, but my DH missed both our DDs scans because he was working. Our DDs are adults now, and he has always been, and continues to be, a very involved dad. Don’t make too much of it, show him the picture and don’t assume it means he won’t ever care about your child.

Strangely, I am very aware of the use of 20 week scans.. What do husbands do? Take time off?

Really this has only come up because someone has offered free tickets to a theme park for a particular day. So the obvious solution to me would be to go to the theme park on a more convenient day and just pay for the tickets. They can’t be so expensive that it is worth this level of stress just to get in for free.

Also, if it helps, I am also Rh neg. It really wasn’t a big deal and I had two normal pregnancies - just had to have a couple of injections each time. I had totally forgotten about it until I read your post. Please don’t worry!

Most people receive bad news - that rather pathologists normality. For many bad news can happen at any time regard whether partners are there or not. Nice enough if they can but I imagine most employers wouldn’t be overly keen on prospective fathers attending.

Sorry. Most people don’t receive bad news.

Ok. To The people who are saying you are over reacting... do you know what the 20 week scan is for? It's not a fun chance to see your baby (although hopefully this will be a lovely side effect) it's also called an anomaly scan, it's to to see if there are any serious issues with the baby's growth, development or physiology.

OP, I don't want to make you feel anxious, by far the most likely outcome will be there is absolutely nothing wrong and you will just get a great look at tour baby and the sex if you want. BUT if there is anything wrong, this is where you would find out.

It may be that your partner doesn't realise this?

I would explain this to him and explain why you need some support.