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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this relationship healthy? Help!

175 replies

Phoebebebe84 · 02/11/2019 10:48

Hi everyone. This is my first thread and I wanted to share a few things that have been worrying me recently. I met my partner 3 years ago and we recently moved in together 4 months ago. At the start of our relationship everything seemed great. My partner was very caring, funny, romantic and great company. After the first 3 months things started to change. My partner started to have sudden mood swings out of the blue for no obvious reason. He would become annoyed, ignore me or give me short few word answers during conversations. He would refuse to speak about anything if I asked what was wrong. Things would change and get back to normal just as suddenly. We both worked full time and our main opportunity to spend time together was on weekends but he would choose to spend time with his family most weekends saying that he had no choice and was being roped into doing things with them he didn't want to do. When we did spend time together it was great. Eventually we became engaged and arranged to find a place together. He wanted a new 4 bedroom house and spoke about having a family together one day. We both had money for a deposit and have some left for furnishings. I would be putting in twice as much but I didn't mind. If I called in to see him at his and he wasn't expecting it he would become very annoyed because he doesn't like people turning up at his flat without agreeing in advance (same with workmen etc). In February he became very angry on Valentine's and turned over and went to sleep because my Valentine's gifts were not good enough (I bought us a nice valentine's dinner) and neither had my birthday or Christmas gifts which was a surprise to me. He said my thoughtlessness showed I didn't know him and didn't care. He said he couldn't marry me because it would be stressful and he didn't feel I understood him. Things seemed to get back to normal and we were making plans for the future when out of the blue he said that he had been forcing himself to be close to me and be physical with me but it didn't feel natural. We managed to work things through by me promising to try and do more to make the relationship work. Right after we took out the mortgage he quit his job because he didn't like it and the people he was working with. We had already exchanged contracts because it was a new build so since then I have had to cover all of the bills (to protect my credit and not default as much as anything). He has applied for some jobs as far as I know but he hasn't found anything. he's had one interview. I changed my job last year to earn more to help with our mortgage application and pay the bills but I don't earn a lot. I don't have any money after the bills and fuel to go to work. I suffer from scalp psoriasis which has been dormant for years but now I can't afford to buy the shampoo and medication it's come back. I have a cat who is 9 (gift from my grandmother who passed away from cancer not long afterwards) who was supposed to be staying with my mum for a few weeks while I move but my partner now says he doesn't like cats and doesn't want cat on the new furniture or around the house and it would have to live in the utility room. He never said any of this before! He is putting pressure on me to rehome the cat. He has a small dog who is allowed to be on the bed, furniture and roam the house. A week after we moved in I was kicked out of the master bedroom and I now stay in the spare room - he doesn't like sharing a bed and my getting up early for work disturbs him and the lack of sleep makes him crabby. He does cook but we do separate washing, ironing etc. He took the engagement ring back after kicking me out of the spare room but is now acting normally and is talking about weddings and maybe a family in the future. He loses his temper and I can't do anything right unless I do it the 'right' way. If I make tea in the wrong way or use the wrong mug he says I don't respect him or care otherwise I would listen and do things the right way. He doesn't like my family because they are due to move (delay with their build) and when they do I would be due some money for my share of my old family home. He really wants to replace the existing new kitchen with a better one and buy some new furniture for upstairs. All my friends and family are worried about me and my family want me to come home but I'm stuck because I'm financially tied. When he tries to engage in sex I've started making excuses because for the first time I don't feel close to him. I've been on antidepressants for 3 months. Is his behaviour normal relationship stuff or should I be worried?

OP posts:
MarieG10 · 02/11/2019 10:50

No it isn't healthy at all. You don't need loads of people to tell you. It is extremely unhealthy and you need to LTB

Winterdaysarehere · 02/11/2019 10:53

Get a lodger in to cover your share and move back home.
Sell the house and get rid of him. He sounds like a right twat.

butterandbread · 02/11/2019 10:54

I’m so sorry, OP, I man this gently but I think you know the answer. This man I making you unhappy, no one should have to work so hard for the love of their partner.

He seems to talk a lot about you considering him, respecting him, making him happy, but from your post does absolutely nothing to consider you or your feelings.

You mention your family are worried for you, are you talking to them about this? Please continue to do so. It might be difficult but financial ties mean nothing in the face of your long term happiness and it sounds to me like you deserve an awful lot more than this man.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/11/2019 10:54

Fcuking hell OP, no of course this isnt normal.

This was really difiiffcult to read, FYI.

He sounds like a typical cocklodger. Have you had legal advice?

B1rdflyinghigh · 02/11/2019 10:55

Keep the cat. Get rid of him. He's nasty and vindictive.

Mrwoofington · 02/11/2019 10:56

Babes let's look at the facts.

He doesn't like you. He doesn't want to have sex with you.
He doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't like how you do anything.

You pay for your house, whilst he sits at home, you're paying so much that it's making you sick.

He stays in your house, insults you, kicks you out of the master bedroom and tells you your cat can't live there.

Not quite clear what you're getting out of this transaction?

FelixFelicis6 · 02/11/2019 10:58

How could you in any way think this was normal? Why do you think everyone is worried about you? He’s a manipulative abusive bully who thinks he can control you.
You need to work out why you think you deserve so little respect Flowers

Mollpop · 02/11/2019 10:59

It's definitely not normal relationship stuff. Being tied to him financially is a pain in the arse, but my advice, for what it's worth, is to get as far away from him as possible as quickly as possible. You've said that your family wants you to go home. Go.

If you stay with him, you'll wish you'd left. If you leave, you won't wish you'd stayed. I hope it works out for you. Just think what you'd advise someone else to do in your position. I hope it works out for you.

Sotoes · 02/11/2019 11:01

I'm really, really hoping that you ringfenced your larger share of the deposit OP.

bluebell34567 · 02/11/2019 11:02

dont waste anymore time with him. leave asap.

Everydaylife · 02/11/2019 11:02

That is really awful. He is treating you very cruelly. Get advice about where you stand legally with the mortgage/house and make a plan to get out.

Paddy1234 · 02/11/2019 11:03

I found this extremely difficult to read 😢 my heart breaks. Please leave

kazza446 · 02/11/2019 11:03

I often read comments on here from women instantly shouting,”LTB” and think they’re a little harsh but omg he sounds like a prize knob. Start making arrangements to leave him now. You deserve more. He’s an abusive bully. Good luck xx

Tinkerbellx · 02/11/2019 11:04

I think you need to make plans OP
Sorry to be blunt but from what you've said he isn't going to make it easy for you to split even if you do decide to .
He's why I think is called a cock lodger .
He kicked YOU out of the bedroom ?.
Move back in and kick his sorry lazy ass as far away as you can .
He has equal rights on your home unfortunately and has not contributed unequally .
He has no respect for you .
Do you really want to make a life and have children who will look up to this man ?
Be kind to yourself
Get a free consultation with a solicitor .
Let your family help you .
Eat well . Sleep well and get this sorted x x x x

Hattie78 · 02/11/2019 11:06

No, this is not normal. It sounds awful. Why is the onus always on you to do/change things? I think you should definitely leave - you can do so much better and deserve to be happy.

Scuttlingherbert · 02/11/2019 11:07

Oh this sounds awful! I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I don't know where to start. Think about what your values are - what's important to you and what characteristics you value in yourself and others, and therefore what you want in a partner. Think about what's important in a relationship to you.

Then compare that to this.
Before you met, you probably didn't hope you'd end in with a guy who has kicked you out of your bedroom, has left you feeling insecure in the relationship and criticises and makes you feel awful over tiny things.

I stayed in an abusive relationship (that probably wasn't as bad as what you've described) longer than I should because of financial worries.
Then I reached a turning point and realised I could do something where I lost loads of money but got out.
It was 100% worth it and I'd pay double to be out now.
I never regretted it, and now I have a lovely boyfriend who respects me and is completely different.
There's always a way out.

Chloemol · 02/11/2019 11:10

He’s a abuser and you need to leave, but as you have put more into the house and pay all the bills he needs to go. Get advice now on how to do that, kick him out and if you can’t afford all the bills get a lodger or two in tohelp.

Caselgarcia · 02/11/2019 11:10

Stop allowing him to be in charge and make all the rules. You work and are keeping the mortgage paid (and a roof over his head). Time to sit him down and tell him to move out.

elf81 · 02/11/2019 11:12

I've been in a simular position to you op and believe me he won't get any better. You need to stand up to this awful bully. In the short term take claim over the house you are paying for. Bring your cat home, kick him out of the master bedroom and demand his half of all payments for the house. Long term kick his arse out and get the house up for sale. It won't get any better so do something about it now. Good luck with the future. Xx

Powerplant · 02/11/2019 11:15

He’s dragging you down and sounds a horrible spoilt bully. He’s not for you - you don’t deserve to live like this please seek advice to start the ball rolling to split. I m sorry you’re going through all this 💐💐

Lillygolightly · 02/11/2019 11:16

Oh love this makes for some very sad reading. He is horrible to you, controlling and emotionally abusive by the sounds of it. He is using you, I mean who the hell wants to replace a perfectly good and new kitchen for a fancier one when they have no income?? He wants you to foot the bill for his wants/needs/life in general and can’t even be nice enough or treat you with any respect in return for everything your doing, and it sounds like your working like a dog and bending over backwards to me!

Is the house/mortgage in joint names?

I would suggest getting some legal advice in regards to the house and financial affair and I would also give women’s aid a call and have a look at the freedom program.

This is your house too, which you are paying for all by yourself. He doesn’t get to dictate shit to you. If I were you I’d be kicking him out of that master bedroom and telling him since your the one paying for everything than you get to decide where you sleep. Same for you cat, dear cat can go wherever you say she can go. As for this money your expecting keep it for yourself, do not spend it on anything for him or the house. Personally given the circumstances I would be putting that by and using it as a means of escaping him because he sounds utterly awful.

Do not marry him, do not get pregnant/have children with him. If you do, his behaviour will escalate and you will be more trapped and more miserable than you are now.

He has literally sat and waiting until you were tied to him and tied to this house to jack in his job, become a freeloader and an absolute shit!!

RUN!

Bananalanacake · 02/11/2019 11:25

why isn't he looking for a job every day. he should be applying. going to agencies and looking for bar or shop work.

JollyHolly30 · 02/11/2019 11:27

Please please please do what you need to do to get OUT of this horrendous situation. You must know how unhealthy it is. You deserve SO much better in your life. If you stay with him you will miss out on the marriage and the family you want and this is totally unnecessary- you CAN have an amazing relationship with someone who deserves you. This abusive piece of shit deserves to be alone!

cacklingmags · 02/11/2019 11:34

OP, this man is beyond horrible. He is cruel and abusive, controlling and greedy. Please don't stay with him. Please don't have children with him - he will treat them as he is treating you. Go back to your family and extricate yourself from this horror show of a human as fast as you can. He is a seriously bad man and will do you untold damage if you stay. Pack a bag today and run.

yearinyearout · 02/11/2019 11:36

It sounds disastrous. He's manipulative and controlling, and basically a massive arsehole. I suggest you kick him out, move your cat in, and get a housemate or two to share the bills if you want to keep the house.

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