Is this relationship healthy? Help!

[Phoebebebe84]

Hi everyone. This is my first thread and I wanted to share a few things that have been worrying me recently. I met my partner 3 years ago and we recently moved in together 4 months ago. At the start of our relationship everything seemed great. My partner was very caring, funny, romantic and great company. After the first 3 months things started to change. My partner started to have sudden mood swings out of the blue for no obvious reason. He would become annoyed, ignore me or give me short few word answers during conversations. He would refuse to speak about anything if I asked what was wrong. Things would change and get back to normal just as suddenly. We both worked full time and our main opportunity to spend time together was on weekends but he would choose to spend time with his family most weekends saying that he had no choice and was being roped into doing things with them he didn't want to do. When we did spend time together it was great. Eventually we became engaged and arranged to find a place together. He wanted a new 4 bedroom house and spoke about having a family together one day. We both had money for a deposit and have some left for furnishings. I would be putting in twice as much but I didn't mind. If I called in to see him at his and he wasn't expecting it he would become very annoyed because he doesn't like people turning up at his flat without agreeing in advance (same with workmen etc). In February he became very angry on Valentine's and turned over and went to sleep because my Valentine's gifts were not good enough (I bought us a nice valentine's dinner) and neither had my birthday or Christmas gifts which was a surprise to me. He said my thoughtlessness showed I didn't know him and didn't care. He said he couldn't marry me because it would be stressful and he didn't feel I understood him. Things seemed to get back to normal and we were making plans for the future when out of the blue he said that he had been forcing himself to be close to me and be physical with me but it didn't feel natural. We managed to work things through by me promising to try and do more to make the relationship work. Right after we took out the mortgage he quit his job because he didn't like it and the people he was working with. We had already exchanged contracts because it was a new build so since then I have had to cover all of the bills (to protect my credit and not default as much as anything). He has applied for some jobs as far as I know but he hasn't found anything. he's had one interview. I changed my job last year to earn more to help with our mortgage application and pay the bills but I don't earn a lot. I don't have any money after the bills and fuel to go to work. I suffer from scalp psoriasis which has been dormant for years but now I can't afford to buy the shampoo and medication it's come back. I have a cat who is 9 (gift from my grandmother who passed away from cancer not long afterwards) who was supposed to be staying with my mum for a few weeks while I move but my partner now says he doesn't like cats and doesn't want cat on the new furniture or around the house and it would have to live in the utility room. He never said any of this before! He is putting pressure on me to rehome the cat. He has a small dog who is allowed to be on the bed, furniture and roam the house. A week after we moved in I was kicked out of the master bedroom and I now stay in the spare room - he doesn't like sharing a bed and my getting up early for work disturbs him and the lack of sleep makes him crabby. He does cook but we do separate washing, ironing etc. He took the engagement ring back after kicking me out of the spare room but is now acting normally and is talking about weddings and maybe a family in the future. He loses his temper and I can't do anything right unless I do it the 'right' way. If I make tea in the wrong way or use the wrong mug he says I don't respect him or care otherwise I would listen and do things the right way. He doesn't like my family because they are due to move (delay with their build) and when they do I would be due some money for my share of my old family home. He really wants to replace the existing new kitchen with a better one and buy some new furniture for upstairs. All my friends and family are worried about me and my family want me to come home but I'm stuck because I'm financially tied. When he tries to engage in sex I've started making excuses because for the first time I don't feel close to him. I've been on antidepressants for 3 months. Is his behaviour normal relationship stuff or should I be worried?

@Phoebebebe84 with every post he sound ever more heinous. No wonder your family and friends are worried.
Do you want to stay with him? Did you ringfence your deposit? If not, I think it’d be worth going to your local CAB for advice on where you stand legally about getting / buying him out.

At least you're not married and at least you don't have children so getting away from him will be easier.
This is definitely not right.
You are heading for a life of misery with this man.
Why should he care what spoon you use? He wants you on edge.
The house is new so you should be able to sell it easily. See a solicitor about getting your deposit back (did you do a declaration of trust?) Don't put more money into the house for the kitchen or your joint bank account.
Getting rid of this man is more important than worrying about paying for Christmas

Good god... This isn't just a bad relationship, OP, he is controlling you and abusing you - both emotionally and financially. You need to get out. Now, today!

Call women's aid. They will explain how all of his behaviour is unacceptable. He will grind you down and down until you don't have a shred of confidence.

"says he dreamt that we had a daughter and he walked in on me cheating and left with our daughter without me noticing"

Don't ever get pregnant by him! He will use the child as a emotional weapon.

He's a complete and utter bastard and he's being so awful to you. Please escape this man as soon as possible!

I think he'll become violent over time too. All the warning signs are there.

he is totally abusive
financially and coercively
what he is doing is actually illegal.
speak to someone - womens aid, local police IDVA, freedom programme, open up to your mum and dad, speak to everyone or show them this thread. Because you will need support to remove this leech.

he is draining away all your money, all your confidence. and yet although you ACTUALLY on paper hold all the cards, he is somehow making you think he is the boss and has you jumping to his tune because of his behaviour

He sounds absolutely awful OP

Your relationship sounds very unhealthy. Your partners sounds like a manipulative and unpleasant man. It will only get worse. You need to leave him now.

Read about the boiled frog, OP:

carolineabbott.com/2012/12/the-frog-in-boiling-water/

When we signed for the house it was set up as a joint tenancy on his insistence for security. His sister is a solicitor who handled the conveyancing. His dad is a successful business man. I think he wants the same lifestyle as them. He can be really nice and thoughtful but he isn't realistic with the finances. When I say that we can't afford a new kitchen with the quartz worktop he likes he blames me and my family for me not having the extra money yet because my parents haven't managed to sell the family home yet. I put in nearly 45k so far - all of my life savings and my inheritance from my Nan. I come from a single parent family and my nan helped raise me so I didn't have a lot growing up but my family loved me completely and always made sure I was ok. I feel really stupid in hindsight but I feel guilty when I think about leaving because I always thought that I would stand by my partner when they were going through a difficult time like losing a job but it's hard when he is in a bad mood. I can't say I'm really happy any more. I've been doing some job applications for him because he says he isn't confident in doing them and when he finds something he won't be able to do much around the house. I don't know why I feel guilty about the idea of leaving but I also feel ashamed for staying.

and if you say 'we cannot afford it because you are not working?

or 'we will have to sell up because I cannot manage all the running costs alone any more'

why are you doing his job applications. He needs to fall. You need to get your money out. The house should be put on the market

Absolutely not normal! Sounds just like my abusive ex! Run and never look back! Sell the house and take back your share. This is awful!

Omg OP. This man is cruel.

Move back with your family. No wonder they are worried about you. If you were my daughter or sibling or friend, my heart would be breaking and I would be encouraging you to come home.

Tell him you're putting the house up for sale and he can buy you out, or he will have to move too.

Do not let him get his hands on ANY of the money you are getting from your family.

You need to cut all ties from this bastard asap.

Fucking Hell lovey !
Read up on the sunk costs fallacy and put the house up for sale now. He is a gold digging cocklodger and you need to open your eyes.
If you stay with him he'll bleed you dry and then move on to his next meal ticket.

100% agree with the “sunk costs fallacy” - this is only going one way. You need to damage limitation right now. Protect every penny - do not give him another penny.

He sounds v dangerous. I would get legal advice and have a plan that I would put in place by stealth.

This no way to live. He keeps losing or leaving jobs because he is difficult.

You sound like a wonderful hard working loving woman. You deserve to be loved, cherished, supported and celebrated - as your family brought you up. You know that love is actions of kindness and respect. You are not getting this here. He is vile - don’t let him abuse you further - bankrupt you or waste you finite fertile years on him and miss being a mother (if that’s what you want).

Call you family.
Show them this thread.
It will all happen from there.

Sorry OP but why on earth did you carry on with this wanker when he showed you quite clearly before you got the mortgage, who he was and what he thought of you? The signs (he was blatantly telling you) were there in neon lettering.

He is a twat and you need to get rid and stop listening to everything he says.

This man is like a massive weight around your neck dragging you down and draining you of everything.

You can cut him loose.
You don't need to feel guilty -he threatened to break your legs for using the wrong spoon! That is so so wrong

Fucking hell.

See a solicitor, get the fuck away from him, sell the house.

He’s a cunt.

Soz for the swears.

"I feel guilty when I think about leaving because I always thought that I would stand by my partner"

He's not supporting you at all though. You can have relationships where you support each other - you deserve this!

And this 'tough time' is completely on purpose and premeditated by him btw.

Please leave this abusive bastard!

Jesus OP this man is a twat of the highest order. I know splitting up can sometimes feel like the biggest hurdle in the world, but trust me, it really isn't. Just focus on getting through each day and don't worry too much about the distant future. And your focus of today should be starting to get rid of this guy. You will find yourself happier and lighter within days. Trust me.

OP, how much has he put into the house? How much deposit? How much for legal fees/moving costs etc? You said he “had” to keep his share of the money to buy furnishings etc to live on when he lost his job (I daren’t ask, but how much are his car payments? Bet he drives a really nice car and won’t consider downgrading as he’s not earning) so how much has he actually contributed. You say you’re in for about £45k but I bet it’s more. He’s effectively stolen that from you.

Regarding the ownership of the house, can you remember the conversations that we’re had regarding what options were available and the implications? It’s well dodgy that his sister did the Conveyancing and advised not going for co-ownership with a Deed of Trust as that would be “usual” where one party puts down more of a deposit. What about your security? Think back about his attitude during the discussions and what he/his sister said. I don’t think you can do anything about how you own the property now, but thinking about these things may help you see your (not)DP for what he is.

Please DO NOT put anymore money into this house and if you can, stop all your money going into the joint account. Make up something about trying to save for the new kitchen he wants if you have to. He is horrendously abusive and will not get nicer. Start preparing to break up with him. Sell/rent/get lodgers...whatever it takes to get him out of your life. As is often said here, you only have one life. You deserve to live it in happiness.

OMG, Op, he sounds absolutely awful! And terrifying!

Please get out. And before you do open your own bank account cos I bet he'll clear out the joint one!

He sounds awful, please kick him out. xxx

This man is destroying your confidence and self esteem, and that’s why you feel you can’t end it. You have done everything you can for him but what are you getting out of this relationship? The occasional carrot dangled in front of you? You are hanging onto a dream about what you thought your relationship could be, but need to see it for what it is. I think you’ve made the first step here by posting and seeing that everyone here is unanimous in their view that this is a toxic relationship that you should end as fast as you can. He really is awful and there is no way you can be so bad a person that you deserve to live like this. The examples you give are horrendous and you know yourself they are because you’d never dream to treating another person like this. You need to find your voice, become assertive and end the relationship. The house can be sold or you buy him out but you cannot continue to live with him. You will never be happy if you stay with him, he is a lost cause and you will never be able to change him because he will trample all over your boundaries. It sounds like he is using you to get the house and lifestyle he wants and knows you are a walkover. The only way you can be happy is to remove yourself from his toxicity and work on your self- esteem and confidence and then in time you may find the right relationship to have a family in. Tell the people you care about what he is like and how he treats you, so you feel more inclined to do something about it rather than make excuses for him or let him continue to trample all over you.

I understand that you want it to work and you want things to get better. I'm sorry, but things won't get better. He's gradually destroying you and will become violent at some point. You're worth so much more, you need to believe that. Cut your losses and get out. By all means take legal advice and get help wherever you can, but the single most important thing is to get away from him now. Go today. Don't waver. When he starts being nice and trying to win you back, take a look at this thread. When he starts trying to make you feel guilty, stay strong. You can do it. You don't have to put up with his behaviour and things will only get worse if you stay.
I think you know you need to get away from him. It won't be easy, but imagine the relief when you don't have to put up with his bullying, manipulate, controlling behaviour any more. You can do this. Believe in yourself. Go to your family.

Bloody hell!

Only read the opening post, but get out and get out now lass!