Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this relationship healthy? Help!

175 replies

Phoebebebe84 · 02/11/2019 10:48

Hi everyone. This is my first thread and I wanted to share a few things that have been worrying me recently. I met my partner 3 years ago and we recently moved in together 4 months ago. At the start of our relationship everything seemed great. My partner was very caring, funny, romantic and great company. After the first 3 months things started to change. My partner started to have sudden mood swings out of the blue for no obvious reason. He would become annoyed, ignore me or give me short few word answers during conversations. He would refuse to speak about anything if I asked what was wrong. Things would change and get back to normal just as suddenly. We both worked full time and our main opportunity to spend time together was on weekends but he would choose to spend time with his family most weekends saying that he had no choice and was being roped into doing things with them he didn't want to do. When we did spend time together it was great. Eventually we became engaged and arranged to find a place together. He wanted a new 4 bedroom house and spoke about having a family together one day. We both had money for a deposit and have some left for furnishings. I would be putting in twice as much but I didn't mind. If I called in to see him at his and he wasn't expecting it he would become very annoyed because he doesn't like people turning up at his flat without agreeing in advance (same with workmen etc). In February he became very angry on Valentine's and turned over and went to sleep because my Valentine's gifts were not good enough (I bought us a nice valentine's dinner) and neither had my birthday or Christmas gifts which was a surprise to me. He said my thoughtlessness showed I didn't know him and didn't care. He said he couldn't marry me because it would be stressful and he didn't feel I understood him. Things seemed to get back to normal and we were making plans for the future when out of the blue he said that he had been forcing himself to be close to me and be physical with me but it didn't feel natural. We managed to work things through by me promising to try and do more to make the relationship work. Right after we took out the mortgage he quit his job because he didn't like it and the people he was working with. We had already exchanged contracts because it was a new build so since then I have had to cover all of the bills (to protect my credit and not default as much as anything). He has applied for some jobs as far as I know but he hasn't found anything. he's had one interview. I changed my job last year to earn more to help with our mortgage application and pay the bills but I don't earn a lot. I don't have any money after the bills and fuel to go to work. I suffer from scalp psoriasis which has been dormant for years but now I can't afford to buy the shampoo and medication it's come back. I have a cat who is 9 (gift from my grandmother who passed away from cancer not long afterwards) who was supposed to be staying with my mum for a few weeks while I move but my partner now says he doesn't like cats and doesn't want cat on the new furniture or around the house and it would have to live in the utility room. He never said any of this before! He is putting pressure on me to rehome the cat. He has a small dog who is allowed to be on the bed, furniture and roam the house. A week after we moved in I was kicked out of the master bedroom and I now stay in the spare room - he doesn't like sharing a bed and my getting up early for work disturbs him and the lack of sleep makes him crabby. He does cook but we do separate washing, ironing etc. He took the engagement ring back after kicking me out of the spare room but is now acting normally and is talking about weddings and maybe a family in the future. He loses his temper and I can't do anything right unless I do it the 'right' way. If I make tea in the wrong way or use the wrong mug he says I don't respect him or care otherwise I would listen and do things the right way. He doesn't like my family because they are due to move (delay with their build) and when they do I would be due some money for my share of my old family home. He really wants to replace the existing new kitchen with a better one and buy some new furniture for upstairs. All my friends and family are worried about me and my family want me to come home but I'm stuck because I'm financially tied. When he tries to engage in sex I've started making excuses because for the first time I don't feel close to him. I've been on antidepressants for 3 months. Is his behaviour normal relationship stuff or should I be worried?

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 03/11/2019 07:28

He's a control freak and nasty at the very least.

Violence at some stage wouldn't surprise me either.

It will get worse you will become a shadow of your former self as you walk on the egg shells.

How much deposit did he put in? Buy him out or get it on the market.

I shuddered reading that.

MollyButton · 03/11/2019 07:30

Get him out of the house. Get lodgers to make up the money (that he isn't contributing).
You probably need legal advice, but make sure you have as much evidence of his non-contribution as possible. You can probably get a payment plan or similar to help you pay back his share of the deposit.

Walkacrossthesand · 03/11/2019 07:35

phoebe, you're going to need a massive change in mindset here. At the moment you're trying to please him, and believing what he says.

Everyone around you, IRL and on here, can see what's going on. That's not to say that you're stupid, not at all - but you've gradually become embroiled in all this and you're the 'frog in boiling water'.

He Will Not Want to sell the house and split, so will do everything in his power to stop that - perhaps beginning by sneering at you, stonewalling etc, then /or switching on the tears and ILY and all that - but it won't mean a thing, just hold fast and see him snap back to cold hard rage, he won't be broken-hearted at all.

Talk to your family, get legal advice and secretly find out whats possible, draw up a plan, and then - only then - tell him it's over and what's going to happen. Do not believe a single promise he makes.

We have a 'legal matters' board here, where they may be able to tell you more about the law around how much of your assets you'll get back.

Good luck!

AlwaysCheddar · 03/11/2019 07:44

Get legal advice to get rid of him. He’s more than vile.

Windmillwhirl · 03/11/2019 07:46

Please listen to everyone here. No doubt your self esteem is in the floor. Please don't stay and try and wait for him to like you. He's utterly vile. Your life, as it sounds, is horrendous. You need to make the changes to improve it and that means leaving him pronto.

Windmillwhirl · 03/11/2019 07:47

stands*

SnorkMaiden81 · 03/11/2019 07:53

God he's awful. Run for the hills, this man will ruin your life.

Sweetpeach3 · 03/11/2019 07:57

Wtf
Why get a mortgage with this twat ???
He's controlling and bullying you. You've put more into the house and your the one paying for it. Tell him go sleep in the fucking garden woman! Stop taking his shit!!!
I hope you sort this x

AngusThermopyle · 03/11/2019 08:24

Phoebebebe84, if you couldn't see that this relationship is unhealthy after the comments from your first post, can you really not see it now, after the comments from your subsequent posts?
Honestly, can you really not see how unhealthy this whole thing is?

DM1209 · 03/11/2019 08:58

Please, please do not marry this abuser or have children with him. You sound like you have a loving family and friends, please tell them the reality of what you are dealing with. If you were my sister or friend I would absolutely help you to fight this battle and I would ensure everyone knew what he was really like, including his family!

Abusers gain power because of silence. You have done nothing wrong. You do not owe him a thing.
He is a total waste of oxygen and has zero respect for you.
He accuses you of cheating because, believe me, he has cheated on you.
He will suck the life out of you my lovely, walk away and if you don't have the strength then tell your Army, the people that love you and worry for you, they will fight this battle with you and for you.
You sound like a loving, generous and kind person, you deserve the same back. This excuse of a man is a piece of shit and you are worth a billion of him. How dare he kick you out of the main bedroom!? Or make you feel worthless. He is scum.

The house is bricks and mortar, money you can get back again, your sanity and wellbeing are priceless though.

Just know that you are worth everything in this world and he is worth nothing.

Janus · 03/11/2019 09:16

Please do go and get some very good legal advice. It’s terrible that you’ve put in more money and been made to sign things on his (legal) sister’s advice. You need to really know how to get out of this. I also agree that then getting lodgers is a great idea. Do you have friends or friends at work who may be interested? You will have to find his deposit money to give back to him I imagine, could you do this?

Khaikhai08 · 03/11/2019 10:06

In my opinon his behaviour constitutes emotional abuse and you need to get out of this relationship Asap.

Contact a Domestic Abuse charity to determine if there is any means of getting him out of the property by way of any legal orders. They can explain more what options are open to you

Keep a log of daily occurences and visit your go and be honest about the impact your home life is having on your health because this evidence that can be used in court if need be.

Khaikhai08 · 03/11/2019 10:10

Some boroughs have dedicated charities to support victims of Domestic Abuse with solicitors on hand to offer advice, maybe google what is available in you're area. In many cases you are appointed an advocate to support you

In the interim try to stay with family or friends a few times a week to get away from the home environment and if possible let someone you trust know what is going on

Amazonfromkent · 03/11/2019 10:38

You've been trapped by a manipulative abuser.

Thatagain · 03/11/2019 10:39

Go to your family asap. It's not a normal relationship. If not get extremely tough with him. Ie kick him out of the master room and put a cat bed in there. Make your home cat friendly. Put a cat flap on the door and buy a litter tray. Do not take or listen to his words. Change the door locks and do not give him a key. Get some advice from a solicitor. Carry on with your life without thinking about him. As that's how he is treating you.

simplekindoflife · 03/11/2019 11:23

It's coercive control which is illegal. Call the police if he won't go!

Preciosaundostres · 03/11/2019 11:23

He sounds about 12 do him a favour pack his stuff and tell him to pick a door along with his dog. Why are you allowing him to treat you like this ? He's a narcissist , toxic vampire whos making you depressed and unworthy of your wonderful self !!!! Also his actiobs and behaviour reflect how he feels about himself its not you !!!!! What you have written you know the answer and you know what to do !!! DO IT !!! GET RID think of your wonderful self and be happy you deserve that at least. Wishing you all the best 💖

Koshkaloca · 03/11/2019 11:48

Is an abused relationship.
Why you allowed him to abuse you? Your cat?
I guarantee you are a fantastic person and successful too.

Don't be in a relationship you won't want for a daughter/ son.

You are with a narcissistic man. Get out as soon as you can, is better to be alone than with someone is stealing your money, peace and emotional stability.

Please take him out f you live, your home.
Find someone that can help you legally.

Gemma1971 · 03/11/2019 13:13

OMG you are being abused. I really, really hope you can see that. Read back everything you said about him and imagine your sister was telling you that. JUST OMG.

This man does not love you, He doesn't even like you. But don't take it personally. HE is damaged goods and is so fucked up that he doesn't even like himself. And he will do the same to EVERY SINGLE WOMAN he meets.

I have been there. But thank GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I never rented or bought a place with him. The bastard had me ground right down into thinking I needed plastic surgery, nothing was right, I couldn't even put the fucking pans away in the cupboard correctly. In the next breath he was singing my praises and telling me how wonderful and gorgeous I was, then the next day moody or disappearing off for hours and making snarky remarks under his breath about how much he hated me, then denying it.

GET THE HELL OUT GET OUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

The way this man is behaving, I have a bad feeling violence is coming. He has already threatened you. OMG girl PLEASE PLEASE get out.

Do you know how many women are murdered by their partners EVERY WEEK????? It is a really fucking terrifying figure. Please don't become another statistic.

Gemma1971 · 03/11/2019 13:16

By the way, a friend of mine has just walked out of a 2 year marriage to someone who started out like this.

He began raping her. Dragging her around by the hair. Punching her so hard so she could not go to work. Telling her she was incapable of doing her job. She is still traumatised and he is walking around telling everyone he never touched her.

GET OUT.

Gemma1971 · 03/11/2019 13:26

carolineabbott.com/what-is-domestic-violence/

Cordial11 · 03/11/2019 13:51

I am so sad for you OP. Please leave before this gets so much worse which it will. Stay strong Flowers

billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 03/11/2019 14:16

Op have a look at cluster b personality disorder

Wallywobbles · 03/11/2019 14:42

Time to see a really good solicitor I'm afraid. You'll have to sell the house I'd think as I doesn't sound like you can buy him out.

Go on Money Saving Forum to ask about the best way of unpicking the mortgage, tenancy in common etc.

Knowledge is power.

A very common error women make is waiting for the nice guy we fell in love with to come back. This is the real him. The nice guy is long gone.

The other mistake I made was believing that he must y have an illness or a disorder. Reading Lundy-Why does he do that, was a real eye opener. In reality my ex is not sick. He's just an unbelievable shit.

Phoebebebe84 · 03/11/2019 18:28

Thank you so much everyone for your words of support and thoughts about the mess I'm in. He started off great but it's become so erratic. I get really anxious about doing things around the house, cooking and cleaning because I'm afraid to do it wrong and he'll become annoyed. He says living with me is like living with a child because I don't listen when he tells me things or asks me to do things. I do my best but I find I get so anxious I keep questioning myself before I do simple things. Sometimes I freeze. Sometimes I think he's right and I can't do things properly and I'm not a good partner and other times I feel hurt and annoyed because of how he is with me. I question myself so much I don't know what's real and what isn't. He makes me feel like I'm to blame for everything because I'm not a good partner and I'm annoying to live with and I don't know if he's abusive like my friends tell me or if I need to improve as a partner like he says. I know if someone else were telling me this I would tell them to leave but I feel so confused and messed up by it all

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread