Is this relationship healthy? Help!

[Phoebebebe84]

Hi everyone. This is my first thread and I wanted to share a few things that have been worrying me recently. I met my partner 3 years ago and we recently moved in together 4 months ago. At the start of our relationship everything seemed great. My partner was very caring, funny, romantic and great company. After the first 3 months things started to change. My partner started to have sudden mood swings out of the blue for no obvious reason. He would become annoyed, ignore me or give me short few word answers during conversations. He would refuse to speak about anything if I asked what was wrong. Things would change and get back to normal just as suddenly. We both worked full time and our main opportunity to spend time together was on weekends but he would choose to spend time with his family most weekends saying that he had no choice and was being roped into doing things with them he didn't want to do. When we did spend time together it was great. Eventually we became engaged and arranged to find a place together. He wanted a new 4 bedroom house and spoke about having a family together one day. We both had money for a deposit and have some left for furnishings. I would be putting in twice as much but I didn't mind. If I called in to see him at his and he wasn't expecting it he would become very annoyed because he doesn't like people turning up at his flat without agreeing in advance (same with workmen etc). In February he became very angry on Valentine's and turned over and went to sleep because my Valentine's gifts were not good enough (I bought us a nice valentine's dinner) and neither had my birthday or Christmas gifts which was a surprise to me. He said my thoughtlessness showed I didn't know him and didn't care. He said he couldn't marry me because it would be stressful and he didn't feel I understood him. Things seemed to get back to normal and we were making plans for the future when out of the blue he said that he had been forcing himself to be close to me and be physical with me but it didn't feel natural. We managed to work things through by me promising to try and do more to make the relationship work. Right after we took out the mortgage he quit his job because he didn't like it and the people he was working with. We had already exchanged contracts because it was a new build so since then I have had to cover all of the bills (to protect my credit and not default as much as anything). He has applied for some jobs as far as I know but he hasn't found anything. he's had one interview. I changed my job last year to earn more to help with our mortgage application and pay the bills but I don't earn a lot. I don't have any money after the bills and fuel to go to work. I suffer from scalp psoriasis which has been dormant for years but now I can't afford to buy the shampoo and medication it's come back. I have a cat who is 9 (gift from my grandmother who passed away from cancer not long afterwards) who was supposed to be staying with my mum for a few weeks while I move but my partner now says he doesn't like cats and doesn't want cat on the new furniture or around the house and it would have to live in the utility room. He never said any of this before! He is putting pressure on me to rehome the cat. He has a small dog who is allowed to be on the bed, furniture and roam the house. A week after we moved in I was kicked out of the master bedroom and I now stay in the spare room - he doesn't like sharing a bed and my getting up early for work disturbs him and the lack of sleep makes him crabby. He does cook but we do separate washing, ironing etc. He took the engagement ring back after kicking me out of the spare room but is now acting normally and is talking about weddings and maybe a family in the future. He loses his temper and I can't do anything right unless I do it the 'right' way. If I make tea in the wrong way or use the wrong mug he says I don't respect him or care otherwise I would listen and do things the right way. He doesn't like my family because they are due to move (delay with their build) and when they do I would be due some money for my share of my old family home. He really wants to replace the existing new kitchen with a better one and buy some new furniture for upstairs. All my friends and family are worried about me and my family want me to come home but I'm stuck because I'm financially tied. When he tries to engage in sex I've started making excuses because for the first time I don't feel close to him. I've been on antidepressants for 3 months. Is his behaviour normal relationship stuff or should I be worried?

This relationship should never have gone beyond the valentines day issue.
He's an abusive Freeloading selfish prick and he's taking you for a ride.
Please listen to everyone here telling you this and get out of this 'relationship' as soon as you can and don't look back.

I only had to read a few lines to know this is all wrong

Ltb

It's not normal or healthy. He's an arse tbh. PLEASE do whatever is necessary NOW to protect yourself financially from him. Its absurb that HE kicked YOU out of the master bedroom? Given that he invested half of what you did and no longer contributes he should be considered a guest and move his lazy, ungrateful butt to the spare room. Take back your power and stop allowing this man to walk all over you please. Don't let it gef any worse. Can you use your inheritance to buy him out? Make sure to account for his part of thy he mortgage he hasn't paid.

I hope you said no to a new kitchen. he wants a new kitchen in a new build house and he doesn't work. yeah right.

You may not want to spend more money, but you may have to, just to get whet is owed. I would see a lawyer. The longer this goes on the more you’re spending. You may come out if this at a financial loss but put it down to experience. Please do not stay trapped in this situation. You can be happy. You need to look out for you. If this was your friend telling you this, how would you advise them?

Doesn't like you, let alone love you or respect you. The more you bend to his will the more he will demand, the more broken you become the more justified he will feel in breaking you some more. He is an evil, manipulative freeloader.

Can you rent out 3 of the rooms? Or move home? Could you rent out the whole house? Do you have any family who would be prepared to pack him up and ship him out? Could you use the money that's being gifted to you from old family home to pay him off?

If you do anything financial (buy him out etc) please ensure it is all written down, witnessed by neighbours and you keep a folder with bank statements showing it’s been paid. He sounds similar to someone I know and he raises his voice and gets his own way...can be very intimidating. Keep all evidence

You are living with a sociopath. Thank goodness you are not married to him. Do not take the cat to your home, he may hurt or 'lose' the animal to spite you. He is a cocklodger who is sponging off you, and abusing you. He abuses you to keep you under his control so you fund him. You cannot respect a sponger as they are always on the mooch. This can be sorted out by you moving in with your family. Continue to pay the mortgage, but let the mortgage company know that you have left due to a relationship breakdown. Get legal help to dissolve the ownership agreement, which I guess is tenants in common and force the sale. Get counselling so this never happens to you again, as you sound lovely and need to rebuild your self esteem. Report this to the police. He is a domestic abuser - he financially abuses you and he emotionally abuses you. The police would take this seriously and will help you with court proceedings, and you can get an injunction against him contacting you. This man has no money so he couldn't challenge you over the property, and cannot prove to the courts that he has contributed to the mortgage. Call Women's aid for help as well. Stop calling this man your 'partner; he doesn't act like one. He is a domestic abuser who made a calculated effort to manipulate you, and exploit you. See him as the enemy and proceed accordingly. Do not leave that cat with him, it may end badly. If he abuses you, then your cat will be on the receiving end of abuse as well.

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. Mood swings are difficult to deal with. He will no doubt fight for you and be sorry once you try to leave him, but I’m sure you have already give him many chances. You don’t have to put up with it x

He knows exactly what he is doing. Don't buy the illusion that he doesn't. Read back what you've written and imagine a friend is you...

What would you say to your friend?

Run OP get out right away.. x

Jesus Christ OP!! This is truly cruel and abusive and manipulative behaviour. Don’t marry him.
He seems to be using you for money, if I’m being completely direct.
Please take some legal advice but first of all end the relationship.
Kicking you out of the bedroom? Doing things “right”?
You aren’t happy because he is taunting and terrorising you. Life without him would be so so much better.
I’m so sad for you- but you can change this - by leaving him!

Omgosh he sounds absolutely horrendous.. I don't know how you could live with him, let alone actually be in a relationship with him.
You're obviously not happy with him and deep down you know that. You could stay with him and stay unhappy or you could leave and find someone that doesn't treat you like shit..

This is awful. You need to sort out the financials, did you protect your deposit as you paid more? Legally I mean. Speak to your family they can see what is going on and I'm sure they will help. He is abusing you financially emotionally and more. Don't put up with it this is not right. You may come out of it without a house and maybe financially worse off, but you'll be a million times better off and in the long run financially better off when not paying for his lazy arse. Please listen to the posters on the thread.

Do not bring the cat home. He will hurt it. Go and see a lawyer, and find out how to get rid of him. Stand up to him, he is a pathetic bullying dickless loser, and you do not need him. You work, you pay your bills, you are kind and compassionate. Move yourself back into the master bedroom, and if he lays one finger on you, or makes you afraid, CALL THE POLICE and have him removed.

He is an abuser. Make your plans and get rid of him.

He sounds a bit like my ex, who after I had made the decision to live with him I felt that I had to stick it out, because I made a committment. Took me a long time (and 2 children later) to realise there was much more to life and that I deserved to be loved and cherished or better off on my own. He once threw toast at me as I hadn't buttered it properly, still took me another 19 years to realise it wasn't love. It was control and he was a very angry sad man really. In between when he was on form, we got on really well and had a laugh. The changing of modds is horrible because you never know where you stand. I loved him very much, but I realised I needed to love myself more.

Don't be like me and waste years of your life, I was with him for 21 years and at the begining it wasn't too bad, but in the later years it was unbearable. Its taken more out of me than you could imagine, make the split, you will be happier in the long run.

What an absolute dick, I want to shit in his pillow and I don't even know him! Poor you though OP ! You will b so much better off once you are free of this total dead weight of a partner you have. His behaviour is not normal relationship behaviour and you shouldn't be having to deal with it. Go back to your family and let them help you, love and support. Good luck OP be in charge off your own destiny X

can you use the money you are due from your parents to pay him off for the deposit he paid, and then get a lodger in to help with the mortgage. You are not married, thank god, but these needs to stop now, seriously.

Either that or sell the house. You need to disentabgle yourself from him. He has slowly slowly, with his moods and his withdrawal/love bomb cycles trained you to centre him in all things and keep him in control of the situation.

Its not normal and its not healthy. Your body knows it as the psoriasis, which is stress triggered, has returned, and you shouldnt need antidepressants just to be able to cope in a relationship

As others say, dont let your cat come to the house, he WILL hurt it.

You need to finish with him and get him out, or get the house sold.

He cannot stay there alone, he doesnt have a job, so he needs to be the one who leaves.

There is a lot of snagging with the house which is stressful too. I've been trying to sort it all out. He disappeared for a few days after buying the house saying he didn't want to make any decisions about the flooring, furniture etc but gradually got back on board. He can be very thoughtful and caring but does try to push advice sometimes. He walked out and went back to his family once because I was too slow in making a list of my finances so he could see how much of my house budget and savings was left. Because he quit his job he had to keep half of his contribution for furnishing the house to live on and pay his car finance. I had thought the behaviour was to do with the stress of the move but now I'm not so sure. He keeps asking if it's my fancy man if my phone goes off and says he dreamt that we had a daughter and he walked in on me cheating and left with our daughter without me noticing (I have never and would never cheat on anyone, it's just not me but he has been cheated on before by an ex). I'm so confused. I know something isn't right but I keep hoping things will get better. He's looking for work but because he has quit a few in the past he's finding it hard to find work now. I'm worried because I have no money for Christmas or if something goes wrong on my car. All of my pay is transferred to the joint account for food , mortgage and bills.

I used to be really confident, successful and love to do fitness events for charity like cancer research and Alzheimer's society because of my nan (helped raise me - I was her carer whilst working before she passed away). I don't feel confident or think anyone would put up with me or find me attractive anymore. He keeps telling me how annoying I am to live with and jokes that girls are messy/dirty (which I'm not). He did joke once that if he caught me using a particular spoon when cooking he would break my legs. He once said that if I wrote in his notebook then it would have to be tidy because my handwriting is bad or he would smash my face in. I know he wouldn't and its his way of talking (immature) but it isn't nice to hear. It feels a bit disrespectful given everything I do. I'm not perfect but I'm trying to do my best and keep a roof over our heads. Things have been better the last 2 weeks but something still doesn't feel right to me.

He's obviously a twat, sack him off and you'll be much happier.

I bet your confidence improves no end once he's gone, too

What a foul man. Of course he has some good points and can be nice to you occasionally, but really, there is no much wrong here that there is nothing worth working on or saving. Get rid of him and while it will hurt a lot at first, you will feel a whole lot better without this unpleasant man being nasty and leeching off you.

If it isn't abusive now it soon will be.

Firstly the money situation. You're the one with the bigger deposit but he's the one wanting a big house. Then he quits his job just as you move in. But he also wants a new kitchen and furniture. He is all take take take financially. Oh and he's having the biggest room. He is trying to take whatever he can get from you. First do NOT put any more money into the house or him. See if you can save some money separately and tell him he has to get a job asap as you've had a pay cut or something. You will eventually need to sell the house.

His behaviour is also abusive. He is controlling (you have to do things exactly right), manipulative ('punishing' you for perfectly normal behaviour, I bet he didnt get you an amazing valentines gift, he seems to be withdrawing his affection whenever you do something he isn't happy with), and just sounds like he genuinely thinks he is better than you (you have to modify your behaviour and try and try to be a better partner but he can take the piss), and he's lazy and nasty. Your friends and family are right to be worried. You should be glad you're not married.

See a solicitor asap about how to get out of the house situation

Just seen your update OP. He isn't joking. He is testing the waters to get you used to the idea. I think if you continue with this relationship he will become violent.

He walked out because you were too slow at giving him your financial info? That's unbelievable, he has you right where he wants you.

Things will not get better because fundamentally he is an abusive person. No abusive person has ever turned round and just started being nice again. Ever. They generally get worse and worse because the more they get away with it the more confident they become and because their partner becomes more and more acclimatised to it and accepts behaviour they wouldn't have initially.

Please leave him. You will look back and be glad one day I promise. Everyone on here will help you

I'm sorry to say this but the man in question is a classic manipulator and things will only get worse in time, he will totally destroy your self esteem. For your own sanity you need to leave or get him to leave.