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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this relationship healthy? Help!

175 replies

Phoebebebe84 · 02/11/2019 10:48

Hi everyone. This is my first thread and I wanted to share a few things that have been worrying me recently. I met my partner 3 years ago and we recently moved in together 4 months ago. At the start of our relationship everything seemed great. My partner was very caring, funny, romantic and great company. After the first 3 months things started to change. My partner started to have sudden mood swings out of the blue for no obvious reason. He would become annoyed, ignore me or give me short few word answers during conversations. He would refuse to speak about anything if I asked what was wrong. Things would change and get back to normal just as suddenly. We both worked full time and our main opportunity to spend time together was on weekends but he would choose to spend time with his family most weekends saying that he had no choice and was being roped into doing things with them he didn't want to do. When we did spend time together it was great. Eventually we became engaged and arranged to find a place together. He wanted a new 4 bedroom house and spoke about having a family together one day. We both had money for a deposit and have some left for furnishings. I would be putting in twice as much but I didn't mind. If I called in to see him at his and he wasn't expecting it he would become very annoyed because he doesn't like people turning up at his flat without agreeing in advance (same with workmen etc). In February he became very angry on Valentine's and turned over and went to sleep because my Valentine's gifts were not good enough (I bought us a nice valentine's dinner) and neither had my birthday or Christmas gifts which was a surprise to me. He said my thoughtlessness showed I didn't know him and didn't care. He said he couldn't marry me because it would be stressful and he didn't feel I understood him. Things seemed to get back to normal and we were making plans for the future when out of the blue he said that he had been forcing himself to be close to me and be physical with me but it didn't feel natural. We managed to work things through by me promising to try and do more to make the relationship work. Right after we took out the mortgage he quit his job because he didn't like it and the people he was working with. We had already exchanged contracts because it was a new build so since then I have had to cover all of the bills (to protect my credit and not default as much as anything). He has applied for some jobs as far as I know but he hasn't found anything. he's had one interview. I changed my job last year to earn more to help with our mortgage application and pay the bills but I don't earn a lot. I don't have any money after the bills and fuel to go to work. I suffer from scalp psoriasis which has been dormant for years but now I can't afford to buy the shampoo and medication it's come back. I have a cat who is 9 (gift from my grandmother who passed away from cancer not long afterwards) who was supposed to be staying with my mum for a few weeks while I move but my partner now says he doesn't like cats and doesn't want cat on the new furniture or around the house and it would have to live in the utility room. He never said any of this before! He is putting pressure on me to rehome the cat. He has a small dog who is allowed to be on the bed, furniture and roam the house. A week after we moved in I was kicked out of the master bedroom and I now stay in the spare room - he doesn't like sharing a bed and my getting up early for work disturbs him and the lack of sleep makes him crabby. He does cook but we do separate washing, ironing etc. He took the engagement ring back after kicking me out of the spare room but is now acting normally and is talking about weddings and maybe a family in the future. He loses his temper and I can't do anything right unless I do it the 'right' way. If I make tea in the wrong way or use the wrong mug he says I don't respect him or care otherwise I would listen and do things the right way. He doesn't like my family because they are due to move (delay with their build) and when they do I would be due some money for my share of my old family home. He really wants to replace the existing new kitchen with a better one and buy some new furniture for upstairs. All my friends and family are worried about me and my family want me to come home but I'm stuck because I'm financially tied. When he tries to engage in sex I've started making excuses because for the first time I don't feel close to him. I've been on antidepressants for 3 months. Is his behaviour normal relationship stuff or should I be worried?

OP posts:
Innishh · 06/11/2019 11:23

Thanks everyone. I've spoken with my family and I can go back anytime
at short notice. I want to get some advice about the house and best way to leave safely this week before I go.

That’s a monumental shift Phoebe - well done. Please keep you cards close to your chest right now as any sniff that you are doing anything will trigger him to “lose it” - and your safety is at risk.

Where are you going to get the advice about the house situation from? You could post on the legal and/or property threads here as there are many well informed people - untangling a joint property is an everyday situation. If his sister has done anything untoward around the legalities on purchase to benefit him - be confident that it can be resolved and she can be reported and investigated.

Please keep connected to your family for their support everyday.

Take strength from how far you have come. I would try not to dwell to much on his moods and habits just for this week so that your mind has the capacity to plot your way out of this swiftly and safely.

Be aware (maybe assume) that he might be tracking you and your communications.

Lolapusht · 06/11/2019 12:34

Well done OP! Keep posting and keep questioning if what he’s doing is normal/acceptable. It will help to get the opinions of posters as I think you’ve been thoroughly manipulated so may not know which way is up. If you’re not sure, ask us (from your last post, he sounds worse and worse. He was at home all day but criticised you for not having done enough after being up early, working and travelling. He’s an adult, why is bonfire night so important to him?! A normal response to having a meal made for you is “Ooh lovely! Thank you!” not chucking it on the floor and being offensive about it. If it wasn’t sweet enough he could have gone and get some sugar. None of these things are about what happens at the time. It’s about controlling you and wrong-fitting you. If you make the custard sweeter next time it will be too sweet or he will have never liked custard and you should know that. You will never be right and you will never make him happy because he is an abuser and this is how he works. Read this when you can Why Does He Do That.

DO NOT GET LEGAL ADVICE FROM HIS SISTER OR USE THE SAME FIRM SHE WORKS FOR. Go somewhere completely unrelated otherwise everything will get back to your partner.

Well done and stay strong x

FilledSoda · 06/11/2019 15:17

At best your future with this bastard will be a living hell and at worst you won't have a future because he'll kill you .
Get out as fast as you can

wishywashy6 · 06/11/2019 15:40

Oh wow OP... made my blood boil reading that!
He sounds like a lazy, nasty, manipulative, controlling bastard and no, no, no it is NOT normal for a relationship!
Most solicitors offer a free half hour session so get yourself booked in for one and get some advice about what you can do financially but you really need to leave this piece of shit sooner rather than later.

IAmBeatrixKiddo · 06/11/2019 15:55

I felt so sad reading this. He sounds vile and you sound lovely. Leave this abusive loser before he breaks you.

FirstGirlonMars · 06/11/2019 19:20

Just leave him. A far, far better life awaits you - and your cat! I can promise you that, because a long time ago I left a similar psycho myself. I never looked back, and neither will you.

BumbleBeee69 · 06/11/2019 21:24

Jesus christ what am I reading.... I'm literally stunned at what you are enduring for this EVIL FUCKER OP. Flowers

holidayhelpp · 06/11/2019 23:29

Dear lord get out now

Notimefor · 07/11/2019 14:41

Leave him - he is a psycho, he will end up killing you.

Sandals19 · 07/11/2019 15:08

Women's aid have a weekly one stop shop with solicitor, counsellor in my area - dies yours?

Otherwise go to a good solicitor, totally uninvolved with his sister/family fir advice about your money.

Should op leave the house - if won't affect her position will it?

And yes, I've read some shit on MN but this is up there (of down there rather) in terms of abuse.

Sandals19 · 07/11/2019 15:09

*does yours

Sandals19 · 07/11/2019 15:09

Oh and noone normal "jokes" about smashing your face in.

Sandals19 · 07/11/2019 15:10

Also;

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

RandomMess · 07/11/2019 15:20

It's really chilling to read how he awful he is, I hope you manage to leave very very quickly Thanks

Phoebebebe84 · 18/11/2019 18:18

I've managed to set up a spare bed and set of drawers in my parents house so I have somewhere to go and I'm trying to get legal advice without him finding out. I went to see my mum on Su day. She's due to have a procedure in hospital because of her heart and arteries. She looked so ill and her forehead was soaking with sweat. I called into a nearby Tesco to pick up some things for my partner and he messaged me afterwards to get some other bits he forgot to mention. Because I needed to spend a bit longer with my mum and do a second trip to the supermarket he was furious I was 40 minutes later than planned. He said I was selfish because he was worried where I was and I obviously didn't care about him or respect him if I turned up late like that. He said he'd had enough and wanted to sell the house and he wanted us to make separate meals etc from now on. He criticised everything I tried to do yesterday. I offered to make him a toasty as a snack (his favourite) and he replied 'what, your version of a toasty?'.' You know you can't make it properly, you're like a child. You can't do anything'. He was then upset because I made him angry and almost put him off watching his tv show. He's been short, sarcastic and grumpy all day today too. He's still angry I was on antidepressants because he says he wants to try for a baby next year and those kind of pills can effect fertility. I can't find anything on the leaflet or online about it reducing fertility. I offered to cook tonight because I'm off work today and he said no and if I really wanted to I would have mentioned it this morning so I can't really want to. Besides, I'd only make a mess. I feel so worthless and downhearted tonight. I know I'm not the best partner in the world but I'm trying. All of my money still goes to the joint account but I still haven't seen him looking for work yet. I'm just so fed up with feeling like I'm useless and worthless!

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 18/11/2019 18:43

Please

Get

Out Thanks

MarthasGinYard · 18/11/2019 18:44

The behaviour is beyond controlling and I'm worried about his next move.

This IS NOT YOU

Interestedwoman · 18/11/2019 18:48

'He's still angry I was on antidepressants'

You haven't stopped them, have you? If so, please start them again unless your GP has told you otherwise.

'because he says he wants to try for a baby next year and those kind of pills can effect fertility.'

Nope, that's bollox. Please ignore him and follow your doctor's advice.

Other than that- LTB. xx

AuntieDolly · 18/11/2019 19:13

You should have agreed with him. I'm really worried for you. None of his behaviour is the slightest bit normal and it is all him, not you. He's got you so you don't know if your coming or going. Stop trying to please him - you never will, he'll just find something else to mock and criticise.

Dadaist · 18/11/2019 19:15

OP - DO NOT marry this man. Plan your exit. He is manipulative, abusive and doesn’t love you. Whatever it costs in the short term will be worth every penny.

JK1773 · 18/11/2019 19:18

What are you still doing there? Please please leave. This man HATES you! I’m sorry to be blunt but it’s true and you are not safe. Go to your mum

EnglishRose13 · 18/11/2019 19:19

Jesus. This is awful.

You need to leave. Now. It's only going to get worse. In six months you'll be back saying he no longer allows you to see your family.

You need to put the house on the market. Have you protected your deposit?

Phoebebebe84 · 18/11/2019 20:10

Some of the deposit is protected. He wanted the house as a joint tenancy because we were getting married anyway and he wanted to make sure we were ok if something happened to either of us. I feel stupid with hindsight.
I just don't feel confident any more. I keep thinking maybe he's right and I am stupid and don't do things right. I have offered to learn to do stuff together so we are on the same page but he didn't want to. He is angry because I haven't asked him if I can come back to the master bedroom after he kicked me out in a temper. He feels I should bring it up and other issues if I've done things to upset him. Is that right? I get anxious trying to raise things sometimes in case he snaps angrily or sarcastically but I'm not trying to not talk about things. He complains if I'm not affectionate but if I try and cuddle or kiss him goodnight he pushes me away or turns his cheek because he thinks I have an ulterior motive when I don't. I'm just trying to rebuild a connection but maybe clumsily. I know it's wrong but I keep doubting myself. I don't trust my own judgement anymore. I feel most of the tome that it must be something I'm doing.

OP posts:
AuntieDolly · 18/11/2019 20:25

It's not you!

Janus · 18/11/2019 20:38

Please listen to everyone who is telling you to set about leaving. He is appalling and treats you terribly. You have to go and get proper legal advice and get yourself out of this hideous situation. Nothing you will do will ever be good enough, he is tormenting you.
Does your mother live on her own? When does she come home from hospital? Maybe you could move in with her to help her recover and go from there?

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