Is this relationship healthy? Help!

[Phoebebebe84]

Hi everyone. This is my first thread and I wanted to share a few things that have been worrying me recently. I met my partner 3 years ago and we recently moved in together 4 months ago. At the start of our relationship everything seemed great. My partner was very caring, funny, romantic and great company. After the first 3 months things started to change. My partner started to have sudden mood swings out of the blue for no obvious reason. He would become annoyed, ignore me or give me short few word answers during conversations. He would refuse to speak about anything if I asked what was wrong. Things would change and get back to normal just as suddenly. We both worked full time and our main opportunity to spend time together was on weekends but he would choose to spend time with his family most weekends saying that he had no choice and was being roped into doing things with them he didn't want to do. When we did spend time together it was great. Eventually we became engaged and arranged to find a place together. He wanted a new 4 bedroom house and spoke about having a family together one day. We both had money for a deposit and have some left for furnishings. I would be putting in twice as much but I didn't mind. If I called in to see him at his and he wasn't expecting it he would become very annoyed because he doesn't like people turning up at his flat without agreeing in advance (same with workmen etc). In February he became very angry on Valentine's and turned over and went to sleep because my Valentine's gifts were not good enough (I bought us a nice valentine's dinner) and neither had my birthday or Christmas gifts which was a surprise to me. He said my thoughtlessness showed I didn't know him and didn't care. He said he couldn't marry me because it would be stressful and he didn't feel I understood him. Things seemed to get back to normal and we were making plans for the future when out of the blue he said that he had been forcing himself to be close to me and be physical with me but it didn't feel natural. We managed to work things through by me promising to try and do more to make the relationship work. Right after we took out the mortgage he quit his job because he didn't like it and the people he was working with. We had already exchanged contracts because it was a new build so since then I have had to cover all of the bills (to protect my credit and not default as much as anything). He has applied for some jobs as far as I know but he hasn't found anything. he's had one interview. I changed my job last year to earn more to help with our mortgage application and pay the bills but I don't earn a lot. I don't have any money after the bills and fuel to go to work. I suffer from scalp psoriasis which has been dormant for years but now I can't afford to buy the shampoo and medication it's come back. I have a cat who is 9 (gift from my grandmother who passed away from cancer not long afterwards) who was supposed to be staying with my mum for a few weeks while I move but my partner now says he doesn't like cats and doesn't want cat on the new furniture or around the house and it would have to live in the utility room. He never said any of this before! He is putting pressure on me to rehome the cat. He has a small dog who is allowed to be on the bed, furniture and roam the house. A week after we moved in I was kicked out of the master bedroom and I now stay in the spare room - he doesn't like sharing a bed and my getting up early for work disturbs him and the lack of sleep makes him crabby. He does cook but we do separate washing, ironing etc. He took the engagement ring back after kicking me out of the spare room but is now acting normally and is talking about weddings and maybe a family in the future. He loses his temper and I can't do anything right unless I do it the 'right' way. If I make tea in the wrong way or use the wrong mug he says I don't respect him or care otherwise I would listen and do things the right way. He doesn't like my family because they are due to move (delay with their build) and when they do I would be due some money for my share of my old family home. He really wants to replace the existing new kitchen with a better one and buy some new furniture for upstairs. All my friends and family are worried about me and my family want me to come home but I'm stuck because I'm financially tied. When he tries to engage in sex I've started making excuses because for the first time I don't feel close to him. I've been on antidepressants for 3 months. Is his behaviour normal relationship stuff or should I be worried?

get out of this relationship, its truly awful and your self esteem has crashed and your doubting yourself. Even his family have ensured he is protected in relation to the house. Get legal advice , sell the house and get out. DO NOT HAVE DC WITH THIS MAN

" He said he'd had enough and wanted to sell the house and he wanted us to make separate meals etc from now on."

So, why did you not take this opportunity to say, 'ok then, you're right, I'm off to my mums'
Why do you still think you have to please or appease him?

"feel so worthless and downhearted tonight. I know I'm not the best partner in the world but I'm trying."

Of course you do, because that's what he does to you, you wouldn't feel like this if you weren't there.
Stop trying, Nothing you do will EVER be good enough for him.
HE IS AN ABUSER!

If anything though,

DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH HIM!!

You are doing great Phoebe

You became aware that there was something wrong.
You made the big step of posting on here - reaching out for guidance and support.

You have listened and taken advice.

You have now implemented an escape strategy by the room at your Mums and telling people in RL. Keep doing this. Keep involving them. Show them this thread.

You are back here posting, reaching out for support again. This is brilliant.

Now for phase 2.

All of the new incidents you have posted are just white noise - the details are irrelevant as they are “just” the actions of a v dangerous abusive controlling man. Coercive control is a crime. You can collect evidence, approach the police and have him arrested.

The big picture is he a v angry man and you are his whipping boy - NOTHING you do will ever be right because he is just spewing out all of his internal anger on to you. His anger has nothing to do with you - it will be some childhood issue and it will never abate or be satisfied. The master bedroom / spare room nonsense shows you this.

He could get nastier and more dangerous now. So cards close to chest and poker face.

I would leave immediately without him knowing. Get essentials (key docs) out of the house - a little each day. I would take all of YOUR money from the joint account.

I would get legal advice about how to sell the house in this difficult situation (not unusual) and also around how no doubt he would have used coercive control and financial abuse to stitch you up over the deposit. His lawyer - his sister - was part of this - it would take 2 minutes for a court to reverse this set up to return your deposit and she may well face disciplinary / professional misconduct / striking off - so she will be motivated to comply and resolve this.

To do: get stuff out by stealth, leave, get legal advice, get mortgage company advice, put house up for sale, RL support, keep posting here, decide if you want to press criminal charges for coercive control.

Innish

Excellent post

Please read it Op and don't isolate yourself.

I think that you should also be aware and ready for what these types do when you leave:

• expect suicide threats (just alert the police),

• stalking, harassment (again police immediately - otherwise it will escalate - block all contact - tell work and F&F as he will try to get to you there)
• trash the house - take photos before you leave - report to the police.
• a hovering tactic - he becomes “ill” ends up in A&E etc - don’t fall for it.

Be careful. He is v dangerous this is where it could turn physical

hoovering not hovering..... hoovering you back in with manipulative emotional tactics - so a grand gesture/promises, a “crisis”, weeping, wailing, begging, - be ready for it - don’t fall for it.

Christ OP, your partner is one of the most controlling partners I have ever read about on here. What an absolute emotionally abusive cunt.

Get out as soon as you can, dont let him take everything from you. Once you're out of this relationship make sure you get some counselling to try and repair your confidence.

Be careful when trying to leave, in some instances someone so emotionally abusive will lash out physically when the control isn't there as much anymore. Tell people what is going on.

OP what @Innishh said is absolutely spot on. As someone who also broke up with someone matching your partners descriptor when I was very young, he did ALL of this things above. That is why you need a support system.

I've been off this week and I've managed to finish getting my room ready and made up a bag of my most important clothes and got my documents together in case I needed to leave quickly. It's been hard this a week because my being around is hard for him to tolerate. He became angry with me most days this week. Once because a contractor let us down and the rest because I had done something like putting a kitchen utensil away in the wrong place, using the tea towels, not doing things right etc. He's called me useless, idiot, bitch etc everyday this week. He hated the food I made him on Wednesday and foot really angry. He then changed and became upset and when I tried to put my arm around him he pushed my arm away and flailed his arms at mine a few times telling me to get away. After a while he came downstairs, re-heated the food I made and ate it while laughing and enjoying the tv. He said most days this week he is leaving when he got mad. Last night he was adamant that he couldn't stand to be in a relationship with someone like me, that I was awful, couldn't be trusted, was annoying and pathetic. He said the money he had kept to pay for his car was running out and he wanted to sell the house. I have offered to help with the car, I've been looking for a second job so I could help with that while my full time job wages could cover the mortgage, utilities, food etc. I tried to talk to him and look at ways I could do things better but he didn't want to know. He said he only stayed with someone like me because his family said I was a nice person. He said he hated me and we were done. He doesn't want to sell the house straight away until the last of the snags are done. I know I was looking at leaving but I'm really shocked. What if it was just me being a useless partner and because of that I was upsetting him and winding him up rather than him being abusive? Abusive partners don't leave usually right? I'm so confused I've barely slept last night.

Oh OP - please get everything in order and leave as soon as possible.
Everything about this relationship is unhealthy and until you step away from it you will not be able see how he is treating you.
❤️

@Phoebebebe84 abusers will always try and isolate you and make you feel worthless. Why would he actually leave you? He has turned you into his slave and bank. By making you feel inadequate, he knows you will work harder for his acceptance and to make him 'happy'.

He is destroying you OP and he knows he is doing it. He is abusing you, when you leave you will see a total shift in his behaviour, he will be sorry, cry and beg for you home because it's all put on the manipulate you.

If you ever decide to stand up for yourself, abusers like this tend to get physical as the pyscholgolical side is no longer working, that's why you need to just go when he isn't there.

Please leave OP, for your safety.

How can you bear to live like this? Do you see that everything you do is for him and he’s still not happy? Why would you work even more hours to pay off his car when he doesn’t work at all? This debt is his to sort out not yours. You are not a bad partner, you’ve given him everything, surely there’s nothing more to give. For your own sanity and health you need to agree to selling the house and then go your own separate ways.

@Phoebebebe84

Please, please, please stop believing that any of this is about you not being good enough. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. This man sounds like a psychopath. He is certainly an abuser. He has ground you down so much that you started this thread by asking whether his behaviour was normal whereas we were all horrified by what you were describing. And your subsequent posts about his behaviour have just been more horrifying. This man sounds really dangerous. You have done nothing wrong. He has done everything wrong. But he will never see it that way so don't expect him to accept any responsibility for anything. He will never validate you. He is destroying your spirit (as shown by the fact that you are still questioning whether any of this is your fault). Get away from this man before he destroys you physically. Because from reading your posts, that seems like a genuine risk to me and, I'm sure, many others reading.

So, to reiterate some practical steps:

(i) stop paying money into your joint account;

(ii) move any money you have paid into your joint account back into your own account. That is your money, not his. He chose to give up his job when you had just taken on a mortgage. That's unbelievable;

(iii) in an ideal world, he would be the one to leave the house because it is your house more than it is his and he may well destroy your stuff out of spite. You should report what he has been doing to the police because his behaviour is criminal (and destroying your stuff would be a further criminal act). They may be able to help you with a domestic violence protection order which requires him to leave the house. Alternatively (or additionally), you could apply for a non-molestation order and an occupation order. You could contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence www.ncdv.org.uk/; tel.: 0800 970 2070. They can refer you to a law firm which will help you with the application for free. Our firm helps with these applications. However, getting a non-molestation order is likely to take 4-5 days or so;

(iv) BUT your physical safety takes priority. Given how nasty he is, it may well be safer for you just to leave for now. Keep that secret from him - no discussions; just go. Abusers become even more dangerous when their victims start to assert themselves. You can then contact the police from the safety of your parents' house and report what has been going on;

(v) once you are safely away from this man, get some legal advice on the position in relation to your house and seek some therapy. From your posts, you sound deeply traumatised; you may well need help getting over this experience and ensuring that you never again end up in an abusive relationship. Have absolutely no contact with this man. He may well try to worm his way back in and show you some of the early behaviour which caused you to fall in love with him. That side of him is an illusion. Someone who can treat you the way he has treated you is a monster and has no place in your life.

Please leave him as soon as possible and never look back.

Run! Jeez before he ends up hurting you physically or even worse! DO NOT over think things .. you have your stuff packed .. now grab it and go!

He is NOT the victim here .. you DO NOT have to appease him or do things his way .. think of yourself OP ..

Sweetheart, you have landed in a relationship with a narcissist. Unfortunately you are no match for him, he’s destroyed your self-belief, self-worth, your soul.
All for fun. Trust me, he’s been enjoying this, it’s alll an act. Some people are really,really sick. He is one of them. When you leave he will most likely try to destroy you more as he doesn’t want his meal ticket & toy to leave. But you have to... you HAVE to. Before he destroys you further. None of this is you. He is sick. Please please see this and go. We are all so worried about you...and most of us are pretty hardened mnetters who have read a lot and not much shocks us. This is pretty fucking shocking shit. Leave please:(

This is so sad to read as it looks like he’s already destroying your self esteem and making you feel worthless and doubting yourself which is exactly what he wants.
Op it’s not you it’s him!
Please please ignore everything he says and distance yourself from him. Why are you still cooking for him when he criticises every thing you make? Just stop doing anything for him!
Honesty it sounds like he hates you and his behaviour is very worrying. You need to leave him and sort out the selling of your house ASAP. Just please listen to all of us here and stop thinking you’ve done anything wrong. He’s a classic abusive man who is also using you.

Hi @Phoebebebe84 - just checking in. Hoping you are now safe at your parents, sorting out the position in relation to your house and being gentle with yourself.

Hi Derby. I've had legal advice and have everything in place to go back. I've already moved my important documents and have a very small amount saved in my own bank account. I also have a second job (starting next week) to keep me afloat until the house is sold. I'm moving out Friday night. My parents are going to be there to help get as much of clothes etc in one go.
Any chance of moving forward ended last week. He kept saying we were not together and would never get back with me because I don't meet his needs. He told his family last week and I had to sit through a family conference where I had to say how much I cared for him and wanted to find a way forward. I was told things were my fault because I should be reassuring him every day. He was adamant during the meeting he didn't want to know. At the same time though he talks of longer term things like is switching energy provider, budgeting for months ahead etc. I still do t fully understand why he talks of us not being together, not loving me, selling up but at the same time plans for future budgets, fixed contracts for energy providers, buying for Christmas (15 minute later saying he doesn't want to celebrate Christmas because he has nothing worth celebrating). He is going out today. He has his suit ready and has been working on something but I don't know what. I asked if he had an interview, trying to be supportive, and he said it was none of my business. I asked again yesterday and he said it wasn't something he wanted to discuss with the likes of me. I try to be affectionate, show I care and reassure but I'm pushed away then blamed for it.

He is manipulating you OP. He is a sociopath and he is doing all of this to hurt you.

@Phoebebebe84 - good for you - I am so pleased to hear that you're getting away from this horrifically toxic relationship.

Over time, you will disentangle yourself from this man. Start now. Stop trying to show him affection and support and stop trying to understand him - you never will because you're a kind person who would never behave the way he is behaving. He is an utter B; he does not deserve your affection or support and by trying to reach out to him you are just giving him yet another opportunity to kick you. That's what he likes doing - hurting you and making you feel worthless. That's his game. It's ongoing emotional and psychological violence - truly sick, in fact - and he sends confusing messages all the time because he cannot resist messing with your head to keep you weak, confused and dependent on him.

It doesn't matter - you have no future with this man and you are infinitely better off without him. You are re-discovering your spirit - it will take a while because this man has beaten you down so badly but in a few months time when you have enjoyed some peace in your own place, nurturing from your parents and friends, and freedom from his routine abuse and nastiness, you will start to look back on this and be so glad you got out. Please use this time for some counselling and/or the Freedom Programme and you might want to read www.waterstones.com/book/women-who-love-too-much/robin-norwood/9780099474128 so that you start to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships and massively raise the bar on the treatment which you are willing to accept from a partner.

You've done brilliantly well - you've recognised things weren't right, you've sought advice and you've acted on it. After this Friday, keep completely away from this man, block him on social media etc.; if you need to be in touch re. the house, limit your discussions to that. If you need to go back to the house to show people round etc., make sure you have someone with you - never be alone with this man. He's very dangerous to you. It's a real shame his family enable him but they're no longer your problem. Please be aware that he may try to reel you back in - this is common with abusers and you have to be armoured against it. It may be tempting - you have cared for him and you are a very forgiving person (way too forgiving, in fact, but that's going to change!) and he may try all kinds of tricks. Do NOT let that happen. You only have this life - you owe him nothing and you owe yourself everything.

Post again if you're ever struggling as there are many women on MN who have been where you are, got out and built much brighter futures for themselves, and they can shine the light on the path ahead of you.

Enjoy your freedom, build your self-esteem and keep your wonderful self and your affection for someone who always treats you well and deserves your affection.

Wishing you all the best for your move on Friday and looking forward to hearing that you're out and building your new life.

@Phoebebebe84

Hope you’ve been okay this week. Just checking in and wishing you luck for your move tomorrow evening. I hope you have not told him you are leaving as he may turn even nastier or may try to sweet talk you into staying - but you know you can’t have a future with this man. First he should know about it is when your parents arrive to help you move your stuff (assuming he is there when your parents turn up to help with the move). If he’s not there at the time, there’s no need to tell him anything - he can just work it out for himself.

Hope you got out OP

Leave him
Now!

OP has arranged to leave tonight - her parents are coming to help her move. I think those of us following this thread are really looking forward to confirmation that OP is out and safe so (selfishly) I’m hoping OP will give us that update in the next day or so!

Hello Phoebe how are you doing?