NEW FAB AND GLAM

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hi all

got back an hour or so ago and heaps of MN to catch up on!

it was a mixed week with various things going on. not least a huge family meltdown which was really really horrible.

ma's injury turned out to be torn ligaments so not as bad as a break but still very painful and limiting. i spent first few days doing all cooking and cleaning up so it was a bit exhausting.

the house was fab tho and dd had a ball. things really improved the last couple of days too.

on weds h got in touch and turns out he was just over an hour away at a favourite holiday area of mine that we went to last august with his older boys. and he couldn't understand why i was so pissed off with him!

i told him his depression was a load of bollocks now and that he totally should feel like a low-life piece of shit for the way he has behaved. he then had the gall to ask me how he went about fixing things from here on.

i refrained from telling him to fuck off but only because i don't want him having evidence of me being abusive on his phone!

will do a proper catch up later but hope everyone's doing okay(ish!).

am organising a girls night out with a few friends soon. i really need an ego boost!

mind you, have to lose the extra lbs i put on during the holiday first!

Ernest not what you need is it? I am shocked that he would actually use your home address to book these trips!
Ginnedupmummy glad you seem to be moving on with things!
Baffy i suppose he is roght whilst H seems determined to move on with his own thing. I can see that relationship burning itself out pretty shortly but hopefully you will be long moved on when he realises what he has lost. Like what the councillor said though, bet that made you I would agree though about keeping him away from her as she is unstable which you know and obviously that is part of the reason h is lying to you about her i hope you can work something out.
PC glad it worked out in the end although the family argument must have been awful, family's eh Am glad you told h what you thought about him he really has no idea does he? Good idea though about refraining from getting abusive over the phone. Oh well as long as dd had a good time that's the main thing!
Hope everyone else ok

Hi lily - are you ok?

PC glad you managed to have a good holiday in the end. I can't believe H was just an hour away from you with the boys... and he couldn't understand why you were angry?! WTF! I am impressed at your self control, I probably would have spontaneously combusted at that point!!!

Good for you for organising a girls night and getting out. Every bit helps doesn't it... We still need that night out too!

I'm on meltdown at the moment. I know I'm best rid of that ar*e hole - I won't go into the full story but I met the OW on Friday. He continues to lie to both of us (even after her pregnancy and abortion he is still having unprotected sex with her!). He doesn't want to divorce me but he does want to keep seeing her... (which she agreed to! she has literally no self respect and he is taking advantage of that big time!).
Anyway - if I told you the full story I'd be here forever so I won't go on! But he said he doesn't want to commit to anyone, but does want to keep seeing her when it suits him, and he hopes I can accept it!!!!! She said she'd accept seeing him on any terms.... I just told them both where to go!!!!!

Anyway, aside from the fact that I now need to divorce the selfish b*stard and stop all this pain...

He is moving into his new flat this week. With all of our possessions which are currently in storage (I can't afford the storage costs alone and H can't afford to pay half once he has his new flat). So he's taking it all for now
The flat is in the area we were planning to buy a family home. Right on the waterfront. And him and her will be there, with all my things that I worked so hard over the years to buy. And I'm alone. With no house, none of my things, and without my husband (who I don't want anyway - but I do want the man I married)

i'm fine thanks Baffy
Poor you She must be very desperate to see him on any terms
Does he know that you know all this or is he still prtending he doesn't see her ?
Are you going to file for divorce then ? It must be so hard but i think maybe you are going to have to make that move as he seems to thikn he can seriously have it all doesn't he. Tbh if it were me i think i would sell my half of the stuff rather than him and her have it.
As for her she is just a young naive girl but there will come a time when she won't be prpared to accept him on whatever terms he chooses and tbh the fact that he is using her due to her lack of respect is a reflection of the person he has become too.
Obviously he is going to plough ahead with this now with total disregard for anyone but his own feelings but you do have the option to tell him you won't be a part of his game. Eventually he will come to realise other people's feelings count for something too, hopefully either that or he will grow old and lonely!
She is very lucky to have hurt someone with as much good grace as you as i am amazed at the self restarint you have shown through this. I hope things can get better and you should remember all the positive things you have got going for you, which is a million times more than he has, take care

Thank you

He has admitted it all - I actually rang him when we were together on Friday and we got him to come and meet us!
The look on his face having to walk into the two of us was priceless!!

I know what you mean about maybe selling my things - I need to have a really good think about it. Every single thing from our house was bought by the two of us - a lot of it with our wedding money. I think I will call the storage company today and say they cannot move the goods out without our joint consent. Just to give me some time to think.

I think the OW was genuinely shocked at how calm and collected I was. I wanted her to realise that if he has painted me as a complete monster then it's all been lies. She said that she is extremely jealous of me, and he's told her she will never live up to me, but he enjoys her company and wants to 'see how things go'... She just said she loves him so much she wants him under any circumstances.
What a mess. And what sort of 30 year old man treats a 19 year old vulnerable, messed up kid in such a heartless way. He makes her feel like she's lucky to have him. And she believes it (from the little I know of her background she's had such a messed up life that the way he's treating her is actually an improvement! )

Neither of them deserve my sympathy or understanding I do know that. My head is just in such a spin with it all. I'm astounded at how selfish he can be to treat us both this way. I really never thought people were that selfish. Let alone my own husband!

I do know I've got so much going for me. I have this fantastic new job, my amazing baby and great family and friends. I am going to try really really hard to stay focussed on that! Thanks for listening to me!

Well done, i'm sure that must have been really hard for you, i am that he actually said those things to both of you, in time when you both move on he will come to realise that the world doesn't revolve around him!
That's a good idea about the storage company but try and see if there's a way you can have your stuff, he is bloody lucky to get anything imo never mind a ready made home!
As for the last two lines of your post , exactly yuo ahve so much more and nothing to be envious of as far as he is concerned!

Oh Baffy,

The nightmare continues. Just hold this thought - he has never been faithful to her, she will grow up and know that and then demand to be treated better.

You must not let him treat you like this too - you have already seen that he 'respects' you more for your level headed approach.

If i were you i too would start the divorce procedings - it can still take as long as you want it too but at least you will have made that move. Just be careful - if your job now pays more he could ask for some of it as maintiance too.

I did see a solicitor and although it was one of the worst days of my life i still draw strengh from it and got some great advice with regaurds to my position.

You can do this and even though you dont want to be hard he needs to see he has to make a desicion soon, you are both 'allowing' him carry on getting what he wants.

I understand about the 'things' too but she wont want them either - at least you will be able to get yourself some nice new things and i am sure that friends will help you out (i know i would, and will too if you ask).

Hope you feel a bit better soon but remember you have so much more than him - all this possitive energy coming your way and so many people wanting you to suceed.

Take care.

Thank you both

HW you just made me cry! In a good way. But thank you. For everything and for all the support.

That is exactly why I need to start the divorce proceedings, we have both allowed him to keep treating us this way, and I have to have more respect for myself than that. I have to start to move on. For my own sanity! I will make an appointment to see a solicitor and find out exactly where I stand. May not actually need to use a solicitor, but it won't hurt to find out what I need to do and how... I have no idea

Yes go and see one - but take a friend or close family member with you (and book out the whole day as you wont feel like doing anything else except cry).

I actually researche and found a top one in london (with huge fees too!!!!).

It is horrible to see your whole marriage as a couple of pieces of paper being sighned in court and then over.

I now understand better where i stand and so does H. Your h will not understand what he has done yet and is not thinking the consequences throuhg either. Of course he dosnt want a divorce - that means making a choice and having to admit to closing a door A door that he has already walked through!!

Like i said starting the process (as i did) does not seal the end (look at me now). It may be the shock he needs now - and i am sure it will do you the world of good too.

I will hold your hand throuhg it all as i am sure many others will too.

Good luck

Hi all OSJ here.

Baffy, every time I hear what your H has done next I am ed and . I didn't realise she actually had an abortion, have I got that right? I really admire you for the way you are handling them both thru what must be such a hurtful ordeal. Hope you and little man are surviving x

PC, same goes for you really. Can't believe the audacity of your H. How are things left between you?
Hope to catch up properly on MSN soon!

Ernest , how awful for you..

GUM, glad to hear things have improved.

Me, well still in process of seperation. H looking for somewhere to live but has become extremely fussy about what type of place he would live so still waiting for him to get himself digs. Until then he's here most evenings & it's kind of weird, normal but not IYKWIM. Have applied for housing benefit to help me with rent so I feel like I need him to make the effort and get somewhere soon as I've declared he's moved out. Looking forward to having ome time on my own..

Hope to catch you all soon xx

Hi OSJ good to hear from you.

Yes must be strange with H living with you, but not 'with' you... sounds like you are coping amazingly well in the circumstances. He's probably just delaying the move with being 'fussy'...any life changing moves/decisions are so hard aren't they. He's probably just scared and knows that moving out will be so much more final. I hope you can both come through it and be happier in the long run though.

Funny but my friends say exactly the same as you just did, each time they hear the next thing H has done they are more shocked and angry... but then they start to say that actually, nothing surprises them anymore because of the amount of things he's done. (I swear if you knew him for the last 14 years, this is not the same person.)

Anyway, yes she was pregnant in March this year. H freaked out, said he was walking away from a full time relationship and a baby and didn't want to walk into the same setup, so she had an abortion. WTF?! Am sad and angry to this day over it - I totally disagreed with it. Not that it was my call, or anything to do with me, and yes it would have torn me apart I'm sure. But I hate them both for being so wreckless to get pregnant, and then not accepting responsibility for the innocent child! So for the two of them to be sleeping together yet again without using any contraception...
Perhaps I could accept it if they were both wreckless teenagers, but he's a 30 year old man ffs! This is the sad thing, I have realised he will never learn. He makes mistake after mistake. Nothing sinks in and he makes no effort to change things or learn from things. Just carries on regardless...

Ds is great though I will get round to posting his birthday pictures on facebook later - they're great. He's amazing I love him so so so so much!!

Baffy.

Yes I remember her pregnancy scare (was it really that long ago ) and I remember speculation that she might be faking it but I didn't realise she'd had an abortion .

Your H's actions are unbelievable. From what you have said about how he's a different person now he has obviously totally lost his perspective on life atm. The way he is going he can only end up very sad and lonely IMO. I would be willing to bet that at some point in the future however long from now he will come to realise his mistakes but it will be too late.

I'm glad that you and ds are good tho. You are still being very strong from the sounds of things & it's good news about your new job. I'm sure things will slowly come together for you. I guess we all have to take things one day at a time whatever our situations..

You are totally right re my H and his delaying tactics, it's awkward because as much as I hope things can get better between us in the future I really know now that I need to have this break and it's been nearly a month now with him dossing here there and everywhere and the dc's are starting to pick up on his absence/random routines. I want him to get somewhere so we get out of this limbo but I don't want to push him too much.

Other than that, am struggling with finances & how I'm going to cope! DC's are great tho, ds starts school in 2 weeks - my baby !

Catch you soon. Am always on end of phone if you need even tho I'm not so much of a regular here atm! xx

Thanks

Yes can't believe this has been going on for so long!

Did something really out of character for me last night - basically flipped over the whole situation and all the lies, and said if she ever goes to the flat then ds will never be allowed to stay with him alone again and I'll let him take me to court for access. As I won't be able to trust that she won't turn up. And I will never accept their relationship.

Been pushed too far. Really seriously considering moving away and starting fresh somewhere far away from them both. I don't want to deny my baby his dad. But I can't cope with seeing them togther. Well maybe one day I can when I've moved on and don't care anymore. But not now.

Oh Baffy they cannot expect you to remain level headed and strong throughout all this. TBH htye don't deserve it. Did that happen with h or somewhere else ?
You really need to take some time out and thing about what is best for you and ds first and foremost.
He will always have a dad but he is the one who has walked away so i don't see it unreasonable for him to have contact with him on your terms.
It is more important for ds for you to be able to get through this without breaking down, it must be such a rollercoaster!

thanks

yes it happened when talking to H last night

I can't stop being sick today. no idea what's up. can stress make you physically sick or is it likely to be a tummy bug or something?

Could well be stress , i think you need to take some time out and take stock of things Baffy, you need to think about you first and what you are going to do to get back in control of things.
Are you at work ?

in a bit of a rush and dd is being a royal PITA this morning!

couldn't let this pass without comment tho.

baffy, you've been thru so much and handled it all with amazing dignity.

i'm not going to say anything you don't already know tho:

DON'T LEND HIM THIS MONEY!!!!!!

it is your house deposit and your's and ds's future.

i know you don't want things to get nasty but you must put yourself first this time.

my h is questioning me about when i'm moving etc. he is desperate to stop giving me the amount he does. i told him that was one of the things i have been wanting to discuss for the last 5 weeks and perhaps he shouldn't have been so bloody keen to avoid me!

honestly, i'm putting myself thru hell to sell and buy and part of the reason for that is so he can reduce his payments. mostly it's for my own security and independence but even so. if the dickhead can't recognise my efforts then stuff him!!!

he's agreed to see me next week and promises to be there. he also wants to arrange access. i've asked for assurance that it won't be a single visit then 3 month absence again. his answer was "the only assurance i can give is that i want to keep it up".

what can i do? he can only prove himself if i let him try but then i've got to pick up the pieces if he goes awol again.

arg!

sorry, i've hijacked and ranted!

stick to your guns mate, keep your own future secure. he's happily over extended himself and is furnishing his new pad with your stuff FFS!

take care and stay strong.

Thank you!

I know you're right!

He wants to keep it up... FFS! But he will blame his illness if it forces him not to...?! It's exactly the sort of lines H comes out with... 'I do love you I just can't be with you right now'... Rather than having the balls to say what he really means!
I do think you have the patience of a saint!
I think we really should go to NZ and get away from them all!!

Baffy am totally with pc on this one don't lend him the money. I know you want things to be civil and i really admire you for that however his living accomodation is not your problem.
If he wants this swanky new place let him sort it out himself. He may well mean to give you the money back now but what about if he hasn't got it when you need it ?
It will kill you if him and her have got there place all sorted and he can't give you your deposit back.
You need to stand strong on this and tell him that staying friends for ds is all you are prepared to do at the minute however lending him money isn't an option.
PC what a t**r. There really is nothing more to say is there. He will wake up one day and realise how much of dd's life he has missed!

Baffy,
AS the others have said - DO NOT LEND HIM MONEY - please. Go and get some legal advice too. It may be that he is entitled to up to half of your savings as you are still married!!

I know you dont want to but it will be best to at least know where you stand finacially.

If it looks as if he can get some money anyway i would 'give' it to someone else to save for you. Or make sure you 'spend' it!!

It sounds hard but thats the way the law works. It doesnt seem to matter if you were the one giving everything up in the marriage to save (that was me too!!). It can also mean you could be jointly liable if he runs up debts (maybe on giving her a good time!!!)
Nothing seems fair in this so please please get yourself some legal advice and take care of you.

Take care and hope you are feeling better soon.

Maybe start a new thread to find out what others think and hear some horror stroies - there are loads out there.

Thanks everyone

I know you're all right. Going to get a solicitor appointment asap. Am worried now.

Cheeky b*stard had a few drinks with her on Friday night after I left - and paid for it on the JOINT account! Said he didn't realise he was using the wrong card!

I'm worried now
He's financially in a real mess. I can just about manage alone and have just enough money saved for the house deposit. If his recklessness is going to hit me financially as well as emotionally I will definitely fall apart. Oh shit

First thign first go and get your own account asap! He had no idea like he wasn't seeing her eh!
Try not to panic and don't think the worst but you do need to cut ties with him r/e your bank account.

Dont want to scare you even more but it doesnt matter whether it is in your name or not or joint. They will take all money and assets as joint - sorry.

It really is so unfair when you have done nothing wrong.

Its a bit like if you win the lottery - he could still ask for half until you are legally divorced - but then you could if he won too!!! - alls fair in love and war so they say!!!

I will email you when i get back and then we can discuss more.

You have been dignified all the way through this and you should be proud - but you dont have to still be. Look out for yourself now and be very aware of what he could do if wanted to.

Another piece of advice - with regaurd to the life assurances ect - you must make a will so that if anything were to happen to you the money would not go to him (into trust for your son). Whilst you are married it will go to him and he could what he wanted with it - and if she is in his life she could too.

Sorry it is all doom and gloom but i just feel you are being taken for a ride now and it is just not fair.

All these things to think about - try and inform as many of the banks ect of your position and the council as you will get reduced tax.

I did all this and so it still does not mean the end - but it does give you power in a weird way.