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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Newish man and money comments...

325 replies

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 09:58

I’ve been dating someone for around 4 months. He’s quite keen (I like him but I’m not as certain yet).

I’m around 10 years younger than him and he’s recently paid off his mortgage (he chose to tell me this early on!). I have a good job but have only really just got on the property ladder, have car repayments and only just starting to pay off anything decent with my student loan. That said, I do have spare money and can afford to go away and do things. My point really is that while I am independent, like most people it’s not always easy and if something goes wrong like a boiler breakdown then it’s your usual panic situation. (Yes I am saving a little as I go before anyone latches on to that! Grin)

This man, lets call him Pete, has made a few comments about money that I find unusual compared with people I have dated before. I want to give all the facts so this may be relevant...I had the week before this comment mentioned that I hadn’t stayed out long for drinks with friends as I had overspent a bit last month on a trip away. It was a flippant comment, made in passing when he asked why I was home earlier than expected. Later that evening we talked about going to the cinema one weekend soon and he asked me if i could afford it. I found this comment strange? Almost like he was checking if I would be expecting him to pay, which I find very insulting! I make decent money and he can quite clearly see that I’ve set up life for myself without any help from anyone - I’m not a freeloader. And then on top of that, given he’s paid off his mortgage and likes to comment on that (fair enough he’s proud to have done it at a reasonably young age), you’d think he wouldn’t actually be bothered about forking our 15 quid on two cinema tickets IF it was the case that I couldn’t pay for it.

He’s made other similar comments, for instance I said I didn’t want to pay for a taxi back from town as I was going on holiday soon so I was happy to drive and just have one...he said ‘we’ve got to pay to meet up one way or another and it’s nice to have a drink.’ Again, rather than basically telling me I should pay for a taxi, if it matters so much just drop me off on the way back before he goes to his?!

There was also a night out very early on, date three maybe, where he wanted to take me to some bars he knew of. It was very expensive and when the bill came he said to the waiter immediately that we’d split it. Given that he’d wanted to ‘take me to these places’ where I had no say in the cost as they were new to me, I feel like he should have at least asked if that sort of place was ok before we went in, or been prepared to pay for it. I wouldn’t take a friend somewhere extremely expensive and assume they will spilt a bill with me because I had decided we would go there. It seems rude.

AIBU? He’s generally nice in all other ways but lack of generosity is a turn off for me, especially when someone is wanting to constantly express how comfortable they are and then makes these sorts of comments. I’ve no issue paying my own way (I always chose that option) but his attitude makes me so uncomfortable...

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 31/10/2019 23:31

Ok maybe this is about the fact that lots of people are uncomfortable talking about money, and are bad at talking about it. The first example you gave - you said you were being careful because you had overspent and then he asked you if you could afford to go on the next date might have been him trying to be nice and to check that you didn't feel you had to pay for going to the cinema when you would have preferred to do something cheaper. And he might have been burned in the past by people who say they can't afford things but mean 'So you will have to pay' rather than 'So can we do something cheaper together'.

christmasinus · 31/10/2019 23:52

Its 4 months in...its not supposed to be this hard....

Tightness is a really unattractive quality because a marriage needs a lot of generosity in all sorts of ways, many of which you don't even see coming at the start.... will he will be the guy who 'doesn't hear' the baby in the night, doesn't want to contribute more to the family income when you are on maternity leave, doesn't want to give up any of his hobbies to stay at home with the child one night a week so you can keep up one of yours etc?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I would say looking back on my life that a 10 year age gap that didn't seem much to me when I was 28 and he was 38 did suddenly seem a lot when I was 44 but he was 54 and starting to struggle to keep an erection. Or when I was 48 and he 58 and we couldn't do any even vaguely active thing together as he felt knackered all the time and fell asleep in front of the TV every single night at 8pm......I had no idea that the difference in age becomes much more pronounced with each decade that goes by.

RantyAnty · 01/11/2019 04:05

I'm glad you're ending it with him. I'm starting to consider the first 6 months or so a probationary period when you can let them go for any reason. :)

After re-reading your thread again and you giving an idea of what you do, I am wondering if he is the gold digger?

You don't really know that he paid off his mortgage. He could have just told you that.

Then asking about your house and finances. Like another poster implied, he might be looking for a woman with a good career to finance him.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 01/11/2019 04:36

Run.
He's tight.
Mean men are some of the worst.

minesagin37 · 01/11/2019 04:45

He didn't pay his mortgage off early by being generous op remember that!

MaybeitsMaybelline · 01/11/2019 04:56

It’s almost like he has lined himself up with someone in a professional job with great respect and prospects and family money in the background but who refuses to share any of his own. He is very very money oriented. Big fat red flag.

Imagine, he will retire, live off the benefits your career and possibly inheritance brings whilst his lovely younger doctor wife is still working and looking after him.

He thinks he’s set up for life. No wonder he’s keen.

Fuck that, I would tell him he’s far too invested in money, no pun intended.

shrutefarm · 01/11/2019 05:24

Ah god no. Tight wads are the worst. He's the type who will have kids with you and expect you to fund everything for them.
My dh is generous by nature. I was sick for a long time and I can't imagine the stress it would have caused if he was counting every penny through that period.

Goldenchildsmum · 01/11/2019 05:27

He asked how much equity I had in my house....

Run

Whataliberty · 01/11/2019 05:30

Being tight is very unattractive. You will end up resenting him. I would end this now, as trust me it does not get any better!

Windmillwhirl · 01/11/2019 05:55

His interest in your finances is very strange. Please don't dismiss this or you will live to regret it.

As they say, he's showing you who he is, believe him.

Greyhound22 · 01/11/2019 05:58

OP you sound exactly like everyone I know - not skint but yes - most of do have to watch our spending - so £20 for a taxi here (btw I earn quite a bit and still see taxis as a massive extravagance so would always rather drive and not drink unless a special night out) and another £15 on drinks there and before you know it you've spent an extra £100 that week so I totally get where you're coming from. I don't think there's anything wrong with your spending.

He sounds insufferable. I can totally get maybe checking out that he's not going to be expected to fund you but clearly that's not the case - you're financially independent - even me and DH still sometimes 'go halves' when we go out but in a new relationship I honestly couldn't be arsed with someone who was there with a calculator at the end.

LunaTheCat · 01/11/2019 06:08

Run! Run! Meanness is the worst character trait. If he treats you like that now what will he be like in a year or in ten years. He has poverty of spirit and generosity. He is not nice and you are worth so much more!

AJPTaylor · 01/11/2019 07:00

And now you know why he has no mortgage (tight) and single (tight and lack of self awareness)

NightsOfCabiria · 01/11/2019 07:24

Oh god this sounds so depressing. Where’s the romance? It sounds like you’re dating a mate.

I cant abide mean people, they ruin it for everyone because they force you to think about the practicalities of money. There’s plenty of time for that later.

When he said he’d take you out to fancy pants bar, what he meant was, he wanted you to accompany him to make him look good.

I’d ditch.

Actionhasmagic · 01/11/2019 07:40

Yikes!!! Run for the hills this guy is waaaay to bothered about his previous money.

Actionhasmagic · 01/11/2019 07:40

Precious

MaeveDidIt · 01/11/2019 07:51

Also why does he like to comment that he's paid off his mortgage? It's tactless smugness.
For what it's worth we didn't have a mortgage from a fairly young age and it wouldn't even (and now) cross my mind to mention it to anyone.
On the very odd occasion - probably twice in 15 years has it ever been mentioned and that's been to people in the same boat. I just don't see why would anyone want to rub it to anyone that has big a mortgage or rent etc.

IdiotInDisguise · 01/11/2019 07:52

Just end it. You will spend your life trying to prove him you are not a gold digger... then won’t be able to take any generosity from any other partner because you have been so conditioned to prove you are not one.

Besides, he is too old for you, which doesn’t sound much at the moment but believe me, such difference DOES count when it comes to family expectations First and retirement later on.

JenniferM1989 · 01/11/2019 08:02

He's managed to pay off his mortgage early for a reason... he's tight! I think splitting the bill is fine but as you say, he asked to take you out to places HE wanted to take YOU to. In a situation like that, being invited out, I think the inviter should pay. If you said to him you wanted to take him to a restaurant you really like, you'd expect to pay as you had invited him out? There's nothing worse than people that date and they invite their date to all these places they want to go to and just expect them to cough up when they have no idea of the cost

Bilngismything · 01/11/2019 08:05

Tight as a ticks arse I’m sorry to say

NumbersStation · 01/11/2019 08:11

The only grip I’d want in my life is the one I have on reality. And that can be tenuous some days Smile

Grippy people are deeply unattractive. (Never has this with a partner but have had a few freeloading/miserly friends in my time who aren’t friends any more)

I’d I was in your shoes, the shoes would be trainers and I’d be jogging on.

Boysey45 · 01/11/2019 08:50

OP glad you are ending it with him. You do not need to give him any explanation at all other than you don't wish to see him again. If your feeling generous you could wish him all the best. Then just block him off everything.
You can do so much better than him and next time go for someone nearer your age. You do not want to end up being a mans carer.

TarMcAdam · 01/11/2019 09:13

*It’s almost like he has lined himself up with someone in a professional job with great respect and prospects and family money in the background but who refuses to share any of his own. He is very very money oriented. Big fat red flag.

Imagine, he will retire, live off the benefits your career and possibly inheritance brings whilst his lovely younger doctor wife is still working and looking after him.

He thinks he’s set up for life. No wonder he’s keen.*

This echoes my thoughts exactly.

Funnily enough there was another junior doctor on here a few months back who had an older bf who was also v materialistic (he had a good job of his own), was putting her under pressure to save, be frugal, have a strict financial plan etc. and I gave her the same advice. In his case he was so lacking in filter that he also made comments about her earning potential and what she could buy him when she was fully fledged.

Gemma2019 · 01/11/2019 09:13

Wow OP you are young and have your own house and amazing career. You sound awesome - surely you can take your pick of available guys. Ditch the tightarse, they only get worse.

Techway · 01/11/2019 09:23

He is 10 years older yet judging you by his achievements so he wants the benefits of a younger woman but not accepting she is at a different stage. In my early 30s I had paid off my mortgage due career luck i
so was extremely happy to treat others as knew I was fortunate.

The cinema comment, please listen to your instinct on this. Ex H said a few comments early on and I vividly remembered them but dismissed my unease. I now see it was instinct warning me to his attitude.

The reason you didn't like the cinema comment is because he made you feel insecure and defensive over your choices. That us important, no one, early on should make you feel like that as it will only ever get worse.

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