Newish man and money comments...

[WhatTuesdayBacon]

I’ve been dating someone for around 4 months. He’s quite keen (I like him but I’m not as certain yet).

I’m around 10 years younger than him and he’s recently paid off his mortgage (he chose to tell me this early on!). I have a good job but have only really just got on the property ladder, have car repayments and only just starting to pay off anything decent with my student loan. That said, I do have spare money and can afford to go away and do things. My point really is that while I am independent, like most people it’s not always easy and if something goes wrong like a boiler breakdown then it’s your usual panic situation. (Yes I am saving a little as I go before anyone latches on to that! )

This man, lets call him Pete, has made a few comments about money that I find unusual compared with people I have dated before. I want to give all the facts so this may be relevant...I had the week before this comment mentioned that I hadn’t stayed out long for drinks with friends as I had overspent a bit last month on a trip away. It was a flippant comment, made in passing when he asked why I was home earlier than expected. Later that evening we talked about going to the cinema one weekend soon and he asked me if i could afford it. I found this comment strange? Almost like he was checking if I would be expecting him to pay, which I find very insulting! I make decent money and he can quite clearly see that I’ve set up life for myself without any help from anyone - I’m not a freeloader. And then on top of that, given he’s paid off his mortgage and likes to comment on that (fair enough he’s proud to have done it at a reasonably young age), you’d think he wouldn’t actually be bothered about forking our 15 quid on two cinema tickets IF it was the case that I couldn’t pay for it.

He’s made other similar comments, for instance I said I didn’t want to pay for a taxi back from town as I was going on holiday soon so I was happy to drive and just have one...he said ‘we’ve got to pay to meet up one way or another and it’s nice to have a drink.’ Again, rather than basically telling me I should pay for a taxi, if it matters so much just drop me off on the way back before he goes to his?!

There was also a night out very early on, date three maybe, where he wanted to take me to some bars he knew of. It was very expensive and when the bill came he said to the waiter immediately that we’d split it. Given that he’d wanted to ‘take me to these places’ where I had no say in the cost as they were new to me, I feel like he should have at least asked if that sort of place was ok before we went in, or been prepared to pay for it. I wouldn’t take a friend somewhere extremely expensive and assume they will spilt a bill with me because I had decided we would go there. It seems rude.

AIBU? He’s generally nice in all other ways but lack of generosity is a turn off for me, especially when someone is wanting to constantly express how comfortable they are and then makes these sorts of comments. I’ve no issue paying my own way (I always chose that option) but his attitude makes me so uncomfortable...

Wouldn’t it have been easy to (1) say ‘which bars? at the end of dinner - which Pete and the OP presumably split - or (2) made an excuse and left after the first drink, as a PP suggested?

I agree that the OP wouldn’t have known every bar in London - I assumed that she meant a smaller city - but you can normally make a good guess at drinks prices before you even walk through the door, eg if the bar was in Mayfair. The OP isn’t a young innocent who has never been out in London before.

I’m finding it hard to get on board with the assumption that somebody with whom you’ve just split the cost of dinner would then treat you to a night of drinking expensive cocktails. Just because the word ‘take’ was used? That’s not an assumption I’d be making.

Yes, he might be careful with his money to an unpleasant degree but posters are piling on to give him a good kicking. This isn’t ‘poor men’ by the way, but why assume that this bloke shares the worst traits of everyone’s exes? He might not.

I've been with my DP 18 months. i had a mortgage when we met and I earn ok money. He has no idea how much equity I have in my house - and I actually think its none of his business at the moment. If he asked me within 4 months of being together I would definitely be wary

You both sound a bit tight, to honest.

Not looking forward to the conversation.

Just tell him you get the impression he’d rather be with someone who is a bit more liquid than you are right now. The problem isn’t that you’re a ‘gold digger’, it’s that he’s tight, but with expensive tastes.

I actually wouldn’t mention money at all or my reasons. In fact, if you mention money he may start offering to take you out (so you can be his cash cow when you’re less wary)

“Grey rock” is always the way to go - make sure you aren’t connected on social media (if you are delete and block).

Come up with some really dull excuse “work/tiredness/illness” polite closure “wish you all the best but see no future” then BLOCK.

Don’t apologise or over-explain or potentially start a discussion.

Only read up to page 2 OP but he sounds highly unattractive imo. Tightness extends to things beyond money, and he's not doing a very good job of hiding his shallowness and fixation with your money. And I bet he is trying to hide it too- which means this is only the tip of the iceberg!

Ditch him. I'd love to be 29 again and have the time to make better choices.

God, don't bring up money when finishing it with him! Don't give any 'ins' at all. Just go with have a lot on in my life/no room for a relationship.

I think you're new to OLD and so have made a rookie error. I did this and I wasn't a naïve teenager, either. I soon learned. Anyone who's really keen very early on or shows any sort of fixation evident enough to really mark - money, their ex, footie, an all-consuming hobby, a political affiliation, etc - is, IME, someone to run from. I had one who was ever comparing what he earned to others and negging those who say, went on strike (I've done a lot harder to earn my crust!) or advocated for fair pay and also said he was 'old-fashioned'. I did what you did, let it draw out for 6 months. After that, I learned!

Yes, he might be careful with his money to an unpleasant degree but posters are piling on to give him a good kicking. This isn’t ‘poor men’ by the way, but why assume that this bloke shares the worst traits of everyone’s exes? He might not

He might, he might not, but the OP is uncomfortable with it and she doesn’t owe him any more of her time to find out.

Oh, and big drinkers/bar flies. I like a drink as much as the next person but geezo, anyone for whom every date has to involve a pub or bar is unimaginative at the least.

The OP can do as she pleases. What I don’t like is the tide of condemnation. Where did all the spite come from? The OP brought up money first, not him, but now he’s an abuser, controlling, miserly etc. Christ.

I note that somebody has brought up the ‘grey rock technique’ and advised the OP to cut contact immediately. I wondered upthread when we’d fill the Bingo card with ‘narcissist’. House!

Generally in a good relationship finances find their level. If I've been dating someone who is not as well off as me I'd tend to buy the extra round or get the cinema tickets myself in advance. The couple of boyfriends I have had who have been very well off have generally treated me to dinner out but then I'd cook for them and get some good wine to go with it another evening. No negotiations, no planning just the sort of good manners, OP, you seem to be looking for with your partner.

@Iamthewombat, Op needs to trust her instincts. It is very common that in hindsight the red flags were there at the start.

10 years older could also represent another clash. Not so much now but in a few years.

The OP brought up money first, not him, but now he’s an abuser, controlling, miserly etc. Christ

How on earth do you know that?! From the OP it seems he raised the topic of money first by announcing he’d paid off his mortgage!

I agree with PP here, he sounds tight. I can imagine if you stayed and had children with this man then it's on you to pay for childcare and everything else.

Op needs to trust her instincts agreed. However her instincts were not telling her that this bloke was an abuser or a narcissist before she started this thread. Others have done that.

How on earth do you know that? (that the OP brought up money first).

Because she told us. Remember? It was she who shared with him that she wanted to cut back on the cost of dates because she’d been on a trip away, etc. As has been noted upthread, it’s pretty unusual to share details of your personal finances with somebody you don’t know too well. Most people would say, sorry, a bit tired/busy for a big night, let’s watch a DVD or go out locally.

The bit I agree with is, it’s a bit show offy to tell people that you have paid off your mortgage.

Because she told us. Remember? It was she who shared with him that she wanted to cut back on the cost of dates because she’d been on a trip away, etc

So because she answered a question he asked honestly during one conversation, that means this is all her fault? Sorry but that’s bonkers. You don’t know who it was who first started mentioning money a lot, he could have just as easily been the one to when he mention his mortgage.

What I find really odd though is how some women will defend a man they don’t know to the hilt on here. I’ve never in my life seen a man do the same for some anonymous woman on a forum. Who cares what people are saying about him on this thread? He’s not going to read it is he?

Actually I haven’t defended him to the hilt. Check my posts if you like. I’ve acknowledged several times that he might very well be a skinflint or not a very nice person, etc., but we don’t know that. So plunging in with ‘he’s an abuser! He’s controlling!’ seems a bit fanciful, doesn’t it?

And, him talking about having paid off his mortgage (which, shock horror, I noted several posts above was show-offy...no defending him to the hilt there, eh?) is different to the OP telling him that she wanted to go on certain types of date because she wanted to spend less. The debate here is about his financial behaviour on dates: the OP started them down the track of talking about the cost of dates.

And you’ve got the timeline wrong BTW: the ‘can you afford the cinema’ conversation happened after she’d already told him that she wanted to cut back on going out because she’d spent a lot on a trip that month.

I think iamthewombat has a point. In my experience most bars in London are expensive. Except Weatherspoons. I know tight people and I am not quite getting that vibe here.

Op i recently ended a 7 month relationship with somebody I've known as a friend for 15 years! The main reason was mismatched finances. He had loads of disposable income. ( decent job, house inherited from parent so no mortgage, never married, no kids etc ) then me, single parent, very busy life, work ft but earn half his salary, loads more outgoings than him.
Completely mismatched and not just financially

He might think you’re tight - you expect him to buy your cocktails, and pay for your movie tickets and you don’t want to catch taxis etc because of the cost. You’re the one mentioning you overspent last month.

I’d be moving on from someone like that, to be honest, so it might be fair to say you’re not financially compatible.

OP I think you’re in the right. I’d probably end it with him and not bother with a difficult conversation- if it was me, I’d just say something like “ I don’t think we are compatible “

OP if you suspect he isn't the kind to treat you unless there is a discount involved somewhere you already have your answer. If he's already like that 4 months in it will only get worse. You can do much better than him. It just takes time.

I gave it another chance. (I know, I know).

Let’s just say you were all right!!!

I’m done. And I will take mumsnetters advice again in future!

So what happened exactly?