Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Newish man and money comments...

325 replies

WhatTuesdayBacon · 31/10/2019 09:58

I’ve been dating someone for around 4 months. He’s quite keen (I like him but I’m not as certain yet).

I’m around 10 years younger than him and he’s recently paid off his mortgage (he chose to tell me this early on!). I have a good job but have only really just got on the property ladder, have car repayments and only just starting to pay off anything decent with my student loan. That said, I do have spare money and can afford to go away and do things. My point really is that while I am independent, like most people it’s not always easy and if something goes wrong like a boiler breakdown then it’s your usual panic situation. (Yes I am saving a little as I go before anyone latches on to that! Grin)

This man, lets call him Pete, has made a few comments about money that I find unusual compared with people I have dated before. I want to give all the facts so this may be relevant...I had the week before this comment mentioned that I hadn’t stayed out long for drinks with friends as I had overspent a bit last month on a trip away. It was a flippant comment, made in passing when he asked why I was home earlier than expected. Later that evening we talked about going to the cinema one weekend soon and he asked me if i could afford it. I found this comment strange? Almost like he was checking if I would be expecting him to pay, which I find very insulting! I make decent money and he can quite clearly see that I’ve set up life for myself without any help from anyone - I’m not a freeloader. And then on top of that, given he’s paid off his mortgage and likes to comment on that (fair enough he’s proud to have done it at a reasonably young age), you’d think he wouldn’t actually be bothered about forking our 15 quid on two cinema tickets IF it was the case that I couldn’t pay for it.

He’s made other similar comments, for instance I said I didn’t want to pay for a taxi back from town as I was going on holiday soon so I was happy to drive and just have one...he said ‘we’ve got to pay to meet up one way or another and it’s nice to have a drink.’ Again, rather than basically telling me I should pay for a taxi, if it matters so much just drop me off on the way back before he goes to his?!

There was also a night out very early on, date three maybe, where he wanted to take me to some bars he knew of. It was very expensive and when the bill came he said to the waiter immediately that we’d split it. Given that he’d wanted to ‘take me to these places’ where I had no say in the cost as they were new to me, I feel like he should have at least asked if that sort of place was ok before we went in, or been prepared to pay for it. I wouldn’t take a friend somewhere extremely expensive and assume they will spilt a bill with me because I had decided we would go there. It seems rude.

AIBU? He’s generally nice in all other ways but lack of generosity is a turn off for me, especially when someone is wanting to constantly express how comfortable they are and then makes these sorts of comments. I’ve no issue paying my own way (I always chose that option) but his attitude makes me so uncomfortable...

OP posts:
BareKneesDeCourcy · 02/11/2019 23:54

Do tell!

minesagin37 · 03/11/2019 00:01

Well fill us in then op. What happened?

WhatTuesdayBacon · 03/11/2019 00:04

Well there were some crackers.

I said I’d been to B and M today to get some cleaning bits. He said (I quote) it’s made me see you in a whole new way hearing you say that, i find it so sexy that you’d shop there.

We then talked about Christmas generally. He informed me he doesn’t do presents, even for family, although his dad will gift him 3k.

We sat down to eat and I handed over a voucher I had for the place.. only realised I had it when we got there. He proceeded to order a desert, expensive main and starter, which wiped out the voucher and then the remainder due in cash he paid slightly more and I paid the rest. This was just assumed by him but obviously by now I’m kind of on edge about his reactions to money.

Suggested going back to his, I said no as I didn’t want to pay for a taxi, he said ‘you’ve got a credit card.’

There’s more but I’m so tired and drained after this it’s hard to type!

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 03/11/2019 00:05

You will not have a normal, healthy relationship until you learn to trust your own instincts first and foremost, especially in OLD. Giving chances, ignoring your own doubts and concerns is foolish.

He made you uncomfortable, this should be a lesson to you for the future: when you get this feeling, stop wasting your time and cut loose.

WhatTuesdayBacon · 03/11/2019 00:08

I know. I do feel silly for ignoring how I felt. I guess I just didn’t want to be too hasty because I sometimes think I can be a bit critical. I also feel like maybe I have expected too much from him but even if I had it’s how I feel.

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 03/11/2019 00:13

And seriously, use the tongue in your head and don't just sit back and take behaviour like this. The voucher, c'mon, you should have called him out! 'Um, it was my voucher, you need pay up for yours.

WhatTuesdayBacon · 03/11/2019 00:18

I wasn’t sure though.

Maybe it was fair for him to assume that it would be used together. Although he did suggest I get steak because I had my voucher (I didn’t, it was pricey!!)

I just don’t like to be too critical as we all have flaws don’t we. But when I posted here I was a bit overwhelmed with the consensus!

OP posts:
VaggieMight · 03/11/2019 00:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

Ruderidinghood · 03/11/2019 00:31

Yuck. He sounds awful. I'm sorry but in my opinion if he even ^^feels like you are a bit short on cash he should just pay. As you would I'm sure if the roles were reversed. And awful how he said he wanted to take you out and he then said to the waiter to split the bill! I went out with a guy once and he said he wanted to take me out then we split the bill. He wanted to see me again and I said no.

I hate tight men and I won't date them even if i get a whiff that they are tight. I am nor a gold digger I just feel put off when guys are like that. Gross

dontalltalkatonce · 03/11/2019 00:34

There are flaws and there are red flags. You gut tells you which is which. He was all too quick to pipe up when he wanted the bill split, why not tell him, the voucher is for me/to be split. But you did the right thing in binning him off. He's tight and you knew that because your instinct told you so. Don't take him back.

WhatTuesdayBacon · 03/11/2019 00:37

I think the voucher thing was awkward because he seemed to just order whatever he wanted. I was still quite clearly being careful.

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 03/11/2019 00:39

Stop wasting your time thinking about this, he's shown you over and over that he is a pisstaker. Have you actually binned him?

WhatTuesdayBacon · 03/11/2019 00:41

Yes. It’s a forum where you post to talk about things though! I’m just sharing my thoughts on it.

OP posts:
YellowBup · 03/11/2019 00:48

Some of the male doctors I’ve met on online dating have said they’re “in clinical science” or “work in a lab” on their profile or on the first couple dates.

Just saying - it might be a good strategy to weed gold digging men out

AhNowTed · 03/11/2019 00:50

Ah come on OP, he's a total tight wad.

dontalltalkatonce · 03/11/2019 00:50

He probably feels like Christmas is cancelled now he won't have you to split his expensive tastes Grin. No wonder he was so keen, probably mapped out a future featuring adding to his golden pile of fleece whilst having her indoors paying for everything.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 03/11/2019 02:01

I have a job that makes people think I'm loaded when I'm not. I tend to play it down by saying I'm an editor rather than an author until I know someone better, especially because, like doctors, people always want to ask you for advice at social gatherings if they hear you're an author (or to read their stuff... arrgh nope sorry).
BTW it's normal to run for the hills if someone tries to find out how much your house is worth 4 months into a relationship. And I think the thing with the cinema ticket sounded so patronizing, like he didn't genuinely believe you'd been on a budget when you'd mentioned it before, and was now prompting you to announce that you would pay, like you were a child or something. Ugh.
Christ on a bike, though, I'm laughing so hard at the fact he said shopping at B&M was sexy. I wonder if he's staying up late lamenting the fact you're now the one that got away, because you bought cheap washing up liquid or whatever. What a patronizing, assumptive tosser for "seeing you in a different light." You were never going to get his good opinion, you were always going to be a woman, and he clearly has ideas about women.

YellowBup · 03/11/2019 02:18

When you dump him make sure you do it by email and say “i didn’t want to waste a 5p text message”

He’ll be sitting there crying, with a massive hard on at the dream woman he lost.......Sad

RantyAnty · 03/11/2019 02:55

OP i understand and you tried again and he was just well...yuk yuk eeww

No gifts but happy to accept 3k. yuk
he didn't have enough self awareness to keep it reasonable with the voucher yuk
He expected sex afterwards yuk

3 yuks and he's out. 4+ yuks in the bin he goes.

As others have said, once you've binned tight duck's arse, the dating thread is good to join.

Goldenchildsmum · 03/11/2019 06:35

I’m kind of on edge about his reactions to money.

I just couldn't live like that

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/11/2019 06:45

I think you were right to try again. You spoke to mumsnetters, they gave their experience and opinions, which you took on board. Then you tested them out. Had you just taken the advice, you’d be running the situation through your mind again and again and perhaps be less well equipped for if it happens in the future with someone else.

75Renarde · 03/11/2019 07:03

Bin him. Relationships shouldn't be this much hassle.

I'm a very generous person with money. I literally do not give a fuck. Because if I'm spending money on you it is reciprocal. Its repaid in kind. Or its withdrawn.

What I perceive from your post is that the major part of this issue is financial. I totally agree with you. He is using you.

But then when you speak about the other side, it's not really that good. Not bad but not great either. A wee bit middling.

You sound to me like you are a fine strong, intelligent and independent woman. You seriously do not need this penny pinching loser.

MarthasGinYard · 03/11/2019 07:10

I'm shuddering reading about your gift card 'date' and his Christmas plans.

I'd actually have to drop something in when I called it a day.

TheStuffedPenguin · 03/11/2019 08:11

Is this still going on ?

Boysey45 · 03/11/2019 08:12

So have you actually finished with him yet then?
He should have paid for his own meal and the voucher should have been for you unless you said otherwise. It was wrong for him to assume.
Are there any social opportunities where you work for meeting others? Staff nights out etc. I think I'd be going down this route instead of OLD and meeting people like this man.
You gave him way too many chances.

Swipe left for the next trending thread