False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

This is too wordy but something along the following lines makes it clear you're done but has emotion stripped out to avoid descending into a slanging match

I've been doing some thinking and I think it is best for both of us to go our separate ways. I've given this a lot of consideration and I'm 100% sure so I'd like to draw a line under this with a clean break and no more contact. We've both tried to make this work* but it hasn't. And both deserve to be happy is this is the best thing for us both. I wish you the best for the future and wanted to thank you in advance for respecting my decision.

(I know he hasn't really tried but think it's an easier way of saying this)

And do NOT feel bad or enter into a back and forth on this.

Remember how heartbroken you were when he cheated and when he disrespected you by continuing contact with the person who cheated on you with.

And when he repeatedly made you feel unreasonable when you were devastated.

That's the real him. You're writing the message to him not the version of him that was a bit nicer on very few occasions.

Manipulative asshole.

He won't kill himself. Call the police if he does it again.

God I was with someone like this, threatening to do himself in an disappear forever. I said ok fuck off then. Same day he was registered on Badoo.

Come on OP, you're being played like a fiddle. YOU decide, NOT HIM. HE won't let you leave? WTF has it got to do with him if YOU decide you don't want his lying, cheating, manipulative suicide-threatening presence in your precious life anymore?

NOTHING. Just leave the fucker already.

"I have written a list like that....it's pages long!"

So was mine, I still went back, wasted almost 9 fecking years. DONT be a MUG. That list, FFS, that tells you WHO HE IS.

"But then when I compare him to a lot of guys I know there's so many sleeze bags around I feel like I'm not going to get much better than him if I'm honest.
No one is faithful these days!"

Bloody hell, your beliefs about people and the world are seriously screwed up. You get what you believe and you will get someone who reflects how you value yourself. Noone is faithful these days??? Good grief, that is so not true and is NOT a reason to stay with someone who gives you literally pages of problems woman.

Get your balls on and get some self-worth. Stand in your own power. If he is the best man there is on the planet then I may as well fecking well shoot MYSELF. He has warped your perception of yourself AND REALITY.

I know, I have been there.

You sound young. Don't waste your life.

Lonely? Get a hobby! Read, exercise, DIY... life does not revolve around him, nor anyone else. Read about narcissism as it will explain what you are dealing with. Trauma bonding, how abusers manipulate.

Take yourself to a restaurant. Go to evening classes. That is how you meet new people too.

And go on a self-esteem course. Men like this are only able to keep us around if we feel bad about ourselves and unworthy at some level.

Take your POWER BACK. Right now he has all of your emotional and mental energy and only YOU should have that.

PS Are you in America? Not many people in the UK have immediate access to a gun to make those kind of insane threats...

They do in our farming community up here in Yorkshire. Practically every farmer owns a shotgun.

True Zaphod.... I am worried now after reading WhatisthisFuckery's post about the guns... that OP and her children could be in danger if this abusive idiot flips due to injured pride and goes out with one of the guns with the intent of harming them.

This shit happens sadly. I think OP should have an informal chat with the local police...

Most women would never dream that their partner or ex would ever physically harm them.

But pick up a newspaper.....

Just send a text. This is no longer working for me. It's over. Never contact me again.

Then delete and block.

Then get counselling. Read about trauma bonds, and be prepared for when he comes back.

I know what it's like OP. You can have the longest list in your life, and it's not going to keep you away. But you mention upthread about your anxious son - that should keep you away. Your children WILL be aware of when you are anxious, upset, scared. They will see how preoccupied you are with him. They will see you change.

I read that it's only ever over with these people when YOU decide it's over. So you make that decision.

I have a list of mine too. It's horrible. For various reasons I was reading back this weekend through various emails detailing his awful behaviour to me and other people. Awful. But incomprehensibly, (and it can only be trauma bonds) people do forget. Or maybe start doubting. Or just re-write history. I forgave the most awful stuff. But I didn't really, because it was there in my almost constant anxiety.

as PP says - take back the power!

Thankyou guys!

This is all what I needed to hear!

I wrote him a message and then sent it and then deleted and blocked him off everything so he can't argue with me and work me round or just be blàsay about it all as that bloody hurts!

I have turned voicemails off...I know he's read the message as it got the 2 blue ticks on WhatsApp.

Not sure how I feel. Just need to remind myself why I'm doing this

You are doing it because you value yourself.
You are doing it because you want to put your son first.

One foot in front of the other and NO looking back

You are doing it because:

He is a liar
He is a cheat
He is using you
He makes false promises
He says he will kill himself so you change your mind
You cannot trust him

And finally... because you should never lower their standards. Ever. Let this be a lesson that not everyone has a kind heart and that there are men and women out there for themselves ONLY.

That was my mistake. Thinking he felt and thought like me. He used me as a mirror and copied my good qualities for his mask.He fooled me but now my boundaries are ass-tight.

Good job. Now NO CONTACT.

Maybe he smelled good, had a nice penis, made you laugh, bla bla blaaaaa... but trust me.. NOTHING tastes better than SELF-RESPECT.

Now straighten that motherf*ing crown and hold your head HIGH girl!

Lower YOUR standards. My typos are on a roll today!

Thankyou!

It's crazy that how when I am with him all I can think about is all the shit he has put me through, how I'm treading on eggshells and how I'm not happy. Then now as soon as I break things off all I can think about is the good times, how he might be the only one to accept me and my "baggage"

This is crazy!

I'm going to look at a different gym tomoro so I don't bump into him at my old one....not sure I'll be able to get there tho as it's abit far away to fit into the small window I get! But will try go there just until all this blows over!
Today's only day 1....when does this get easier? 🤦🏻‍♀️

It gets easier when you start to value YOU above ALL else. You are trauma bonded, it wasn't love.

Right now, you still value him more. Still trauma bonded. You just explained part of the dynamic. He has done a number on you. You think you have baggage that nobody else will accept- Possibly you have low self-esteem and are unable to self-validate? I can recommend some Youtube channels:

Ross Rosenberg
Lisa A Romano
Inner Integration
Melanie Tonia Evans
Balance Psychologies

Leave the gym if you can ditch the membership and find a new one. No excuses about distance and all that. No contact means staying away from any place he frequents so YOU can get over it and HEAL.

And he might be dangerous. That gun thing is really fucking scary.

medium.com/publishous/tempted-to-go-back-to-the-one-who-hurt-you-3038cbf594b1

Yea I do and that's because he always used to say..."I love you even tho you have 2 kids" he always used to say how he never thought he would accept them but he has because "that's how much he loves me"
He's the first guy I have been with since my kids dad so yes I believe him.

I will do lots of research to keep myself hating him and clued up on what's happening to me!

It happened so gradual and he did it so cleverly that I never knew what he was doing.

Everytime I have gone back to him tho no matter what he promises it gets worse everytime! That's what I have to remind myself of!

Being happy on my own and not worrying about being alone on my weekends without the kids is a real goal of mine

That link is so true....why am I so worried about someone getting the best version of him? That only lasted a short while and I imagine the older he gets the more of a narcissist he will become!

He will never change!!

What sort of an utter c*nt says this?? ""I love you even tho you have 2 kids""

WTAFFFFFFFFFF??

OMG what a bastard. I thought my ex had pulled some stunts but that is HORRENDOUS. I love you despite your children. Your beautiful, innocent, loving children. I think I would have decked him. You must be VERY understanding. Fuck if I had children and anyone said that shit to me ... but we all have our own personal breaking points...

My ex could barely keep the mask on for a week when we kept breaking up... usually always me doing the ditching.. then he would say oh I love you and miss you so much and bla bla bla... sex would be great (one of the few good things about him) and then three day later he was finding fault with my appearance.

Fuck him. He will be fine. You will be MORE THAN FINE too provided you maintain no contact and work on yourself and don't let the twunt reel you back in.

Never enter into any intimate relationship until you LOVE and RELISH BEING ALONE. Otherwise you will be needy and looking to others for what you should be doing for yourself.

What did you learn about relationships growing up?

Research codependency as well.

Nobody ever gets the best of an abuser. They have no "best" to give. It's all smoke and mirrors girl.

My ex was married twice, both stunning women. The first one kicked him out, the second did a runner while he was out of the country. I did a runner. He said both his exes had issues and the second one was a nutcase. Who is telling the truth do you think?

That is a really good article.

"how he treats you is how he feels about you" - why ignore the actual facts? Someone who loves you won't leave you. Won't lie. Won't cheat. Won't bolt. Won't attack you.

" if he loved you he wouldn't have hurt you"

And I like the bit about mistaking abuse for love. Yes.

OP, No Contact is the best way to heal. It's for your benefit not his - it isn't a punishment. The best thing my ex did was ghost me - he told me he was going away for 21 days. He didn't manage that of course- he managed 9! But still, I got more clarity in those 9 days than he bargained for.

I truly feel it's better to be alone, than in a rubbish relationship. Being scared of being alone isn't a reason to be in such a harmful relationship.

and yes the treatment gets worse the more times you go back. It's like they have zero respect for you, they want to see how much they can push. Or perhaps they need more hurt, more spite, more angst, so they feel valued (or get pleasure etc).

They don't change. My ex was in his 50s - he is never going to change and in part it was the massive escalation in degrading and cruel and horrible behaviour that I could see his other women had and were going through . I could see mine was escalating, and never wanted to reach that level of desperation and insanity. (and sheer damage). Horrendous.