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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

False promises

655 replies

heneverkeepshisword · 30/10/2019 22:42

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
WhenPushComesToShove · 31/10/2019 18:25

A friend of mine had a phone call from his newly ex partner saying she would kill herself if he didn't take her back (after years of to'ing and fro'ing in toxic relationship). I was amazed when he told her calmly, I'm sorry you feel that way but it really is your responsibility if you choose to do that; goodbye!

WhenPushComesToShove · 31/10/2019 18:26

...I should have added she's still in the land of the living many years later

heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 19:27

Yea he knows I am way too caring and would never call the police....but actually that's a good idea about calling his bluff and if he threatens it I will ring the police/ambulance so he's feels like an idiot for threatening such a thing.

OP posts:
heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 19:30

I just need to be strong....Confused

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AnnaNimmity · 31/10/2019 19:41

There really is something very wrong if you can't stay away from him for a day!Can't you see it's an addiction, not love?! Love isn't like that, it really isn't.

I know it's hard OP, I've been there. But he's manipulating you.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 31/10/2019 19:45

And if it feels like you're being mean calling the police / ambulance then just think - if he actually was doing something like that then getting him help would be the loving and kind thing to do.

Try and think of it this way - If he is in trouble from hurting himself then you've helped him. If he's not in trouble then you've safeguarded yourself from getting sucked back in and put him off using that tactic again.

It's awful when someone has a hold on you like that my love, I can't believe what I put up with now that I'm out of it.

You'll be so proud of yourself when you've moved on Thanks

heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 19:59

Yea I'm starting to see it as an addiction now but I just thought it was because I have never loved anyone like this before!
I told him I'm obsessed with him and it's not healthy and he just said he's the same and it's because we love each other so much!

God I sound so young and naive....would you believe I'm 29 Shock

OP posts:
heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 20:00

Yea I will look at it like that. I'll just think well it's the best thing to do if he really is in danger....he won't do it again as his parents live next door to him so will see and he won't want to disappoint that awful pair of parents!

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 31/10/2019 20:06

Look up codependency as well as trauma bonding too, I found it really helpful.

And not sure if it's something you feel ready for counselling is worth thinking about - I spent ALL of my 20s in toxic, sometimes abusive relationships.

Being diagnosed with bipolar meant i started counselling and it has changed my life beyond belief. I cannot explain the difference it has made understanding my own thinking.

You need enough space from him to start questioning not why he behaves the way he does, but why you have felt you have to accept that behaviour. It shifts your priority back to yourself which is where it should be - you deserve to treat yourself well.

I'm 32 and the progress I've made in the last couple of years is a million times the progress in the rest of my adult life.

You sound absolutely lovely, don't let some selfish bastard make you think otherwise.

You can never be fundamentally responsible for another person's happiness. It's not healthy or fair on either party. Thanks

AnnaNimmity · 31/10/2019 20:10

addiction makes people do some strange things OP. They lose all sanity. Be grateful you don't have children.

Have you seen a counsellor? You would find it so helpful I think if you can get to one.

heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 20:37

Thankyou guys.

I have thought about counselling but I can't afford it at the moment.
Someone also recommended the freedom project so I'm going to start that as soon as I have got rid of him.
Wanted to attend the group really to meet new people as don't have anyone in real life but it doesn't start till after Christmas!

Yes I'm very grateful I don't have children with him. However I do have 2 boys from my previous marriage....but before you all go crazy he has had nothing to do with them or even seen them since I found out about the cheating as I knew I needed to end it so didn't want them getting used to him being around.
So please don't say I'm not putting them first as I really am. I only ever see my bf when I don't have the kids.
There dad is amazing and is the only male role model they need.

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Whatisthisfuckery · 31/10/2019 20:38

OP if he has fire arms then you really need to call the police if he threatens to do anything, either to himself or to you. I doubt very much that he’d do anything to himself, but a man who has weapons can sure make things difficult for you.

Men like this have their own image of themselves, completely separate from what anybody else thinks of them. What other people think hardly even matters, because what they perceive is all ldictated by the way they view themselves and how they think others should react to them. It matters not what you feel, or how much you love him, because all he sees is that you are an accessory to him. He knows what he’s doing and he’ll continue to do it until you break the cycle. At the moment the consequences of him cheating and not keeping promises is that you go quiet for a day, and he knows the price of that is a few soppy words and a bunch of flowers. In extreme circumstances he knows that threatening to kill himself will bring you back, so to him it’s a simple equation, do what he wants, make some conciliatory noises to you, or if you’re being difficult threaten to kill himself, then job done. He gets to do what he likes and he gets to keep control over you.

In order to get away from him you need to stop this cycle. When you do unfortunately for you you’re then into unknown territory and you don’t know what he’ll do. The fact that he has guns turns that from a risky situation into a potentially very dangerous one indeed. The sooner you intervene by calling the police the better. An emotionally invested man who feels his dignity has been taken away, and who has weapons at his disposal is a very serious situation.

I don’t mean to scare you, but the two factory ou need to consider is, does he feel that his pride and dignity is being damaged, and what ability does he have to create problems if he feels that they have. He has guns, so he has the ability, and if he’s so desperate to keep you in line then almost certainly he will feel slighted by your rejection. To this end I think you’d be very sensible to get the police involved at the first available opportunity if there’s even the slightest hint of him acting rashly or with heightened emotion.

As I have already said, the chances of him killing himself are very slim indeed, and it’s not your decision or your responsibility if he makes that choice, but while he has weapons both the opportunity to intimidate you or indeed harm you are greatly increased.

Keep in mind that there is a marked difference between an intimidation and a threat. An intimidation is designed to get a response, to get him what he wants. Come back to me or I’ll kill myself. He’s not saying he is going to kill himself, he’s using the threat of killing himself as leverage to get you to do what he wants. It doesn’t mean he’s intending to do it, it means that he thinks that you will comply to avoid the potential consequences. In either case you need to call the police, immediately, or even call 101 in advance if you think he will be trouble. As PP have said, you can’t control what he does, so don’t rely on the assumption that you can, because once his threats of suicide fail, he’ll move onto trying other things. The very last thing you need to be facing is trying to escape the attentions of a man who has guns, and who is not afraid to use them to intimidate, so you really need to call the police straight away if you’re in any doubt at all. Don’t squash down your worries by trying to minimise or rashonalise, just call them.

heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 20:39

I am very much looking forward to not worrying every second of everyday why he's taking too long to reply to my messages and what mood am I going to get him in today!

His mums worse....so tbh I can only see positives coming out of this relationship. It's after time that I start to miss him and think of all the good and forget the bad...that's my problem

OP posts:
AnnaNimmity · 31/10/2019 20:40

Don't underestimate the effect that an abusive relaitonship has on your children OP. Even if they don't see him, they see you affected by it. One of my biggest regrets in getting involved with someone like this, was the affect on my children. And like you, they didn't see him much and we didn't live together. If you can't stay apart for your own sake, try to do it for your children.

AnnaNimmity · 31/10/2019 20:41

and guns and children???? really? !

heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 20:44

@Whatisthisfuckery
Thankyou. Reading that has made me really think. I dont think he would harm me or him but like you say I don't really no him and what he's capable of.

Yes that is true actually....I'm very good at hiding my emotions but I guess if I'm upset or aggravated wondering what he's up too they can sense it.

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heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 20:45

The kids have never been around the guns....the guns aren't allowed to leave the farm he lives on

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heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 20:46

What was the affect it had on your children? I don't want them being affected at all.

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AnnaNimmity · 31/10/2019 21:11

because I changed when I was around him. I was completely preoccupied with him - he took up all my energy. And when he treated me badly, I fell apart. In between i was anxious. I was jittery. I was besotted. It wasn't normal.

Mine met him too, and they didn't like him, but didn't tell me that. Although my eldest dd said he was very controlling. Since its finished people have said I was completely different when I was with him. That they could tell he was abusive (I couldn't at the time) and they were worried about me. The level of abuse and coercive control crept up and I didn't see it, but it undoubtedly had an effect on me, and my children witnessed both the abuse and the effect. Which I regret to this day. And when it finished (every time) I completely fell apart. I was no use to my children. I couldn't sleep or eat.

And finally he attacked me. And I was injured and had to involve the police. And actually it was the realisation that when he pushed me out of his house onto a concrete step (I fell very hard), the realisation that I could have died had I landed differently, was the final thing I needed to stay away from him. But it went too far. I should never have let it get that far.

So yes, for me, I will never put a man before my children. It's my biggest regret. And he didn't even live with me. That would be 100 times worse.

AnnaNimmity · 31/10/2019 21:14

(Op, I never thought mine would harm me either - even though actually he had told me about his abuse of a previous gf - but it gradually happened more than once, even at times, with me not even aware that it was happening).

Anyway, mine was a serial cheat too - i don't think he's stayed faithful in his entire life. They don't change. You actually deserve better! Value yourself. Because to keep taking someone like this back can only happen if you have no self worth at all. You are worth more. I am too!

heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 21:37

Yea I totally get that when I was around him I was pre occupied by him....looking back at that now it's awful.

Luckily tho whenever I end it with him it's like a weights lifted and then me and my kids really enjoy time as my mind isn't focused on him and messaging him. So god knows why I can't stay away as I sleep better too when we're not together.

I guess I just wanted us to work so bad that I ignored all the flags

OP posts:
heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 21:37

He deffo has a temper....never really came out towards me only towards himself.
But he brings my temper out which isn't good

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heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 21:39

My kids did love him tho....still ask about him now even tho they haven't seen him since may. That makes it hard too

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AnnaNimmity · 31/10/2019 21:48

My younger 2 really liked mine. It says alot that they couldn't see what the older ones could.

It sounds OP (like me) that you're nicer and calmer and more present when he's not around.

user1481840227 · 31/10/2019 21:49

The only reason the connection feels so good with him when it's good is because he makes you feel like rubbish the rest of the time.

You deserve better. Get rid of him.

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