Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

False promises

655 replies

heneverkeepshisword · 30/10/2019 22:42

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
namechange4052 · 31/10/2019 10:12

The more you talk about him, the more of a massive bellend he sounds. They all say they are going to kill themselves, they all continue merrily blowing their beans about town.

EverFallenInLove · 31/10/2019 10:52

Yep. Agree with the others. I assume his guns are licenced? Next time he threatens to kill himself, phone the police and tell them and tell them he has guns.

Your only responsibility to a person threatening suicide is to tell the police so that they can be supported by the appropriate services. Not to martyr yourself for them.

Startingoveragain1 · 31/10/2019 10:56

You changing his number is not really going to mean you can relax... he can just tranfer the contact over... i think u need to let go of the changin number thing... and ask yourself if you want to go on like this..

Original poster
heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 11:00

I just want to be with the version of himself that he keeps promising. The version I get when he's trying to win me back.

He can be so loving when he's trying to get me back that's what I want.

But I guess it's all a lie!

Just wanted some advice really that I'm not controlling.

Just I feel like I'm stuck...can't be with him and can't be without him I guess!

OP posts:
Original poster
heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 11:03

He has a few guns as he lives on a farm and goes shooting a lot. So yea they are registered.

I just wanted some help really in knowing ending it is the right thing to do!

Changing his number was for me in my head as then she wouldn't have his number and wouldn't need to be blocked on it. I guess I was just clutching at straws really. Pathetic I know!

OP posts:
userabcname · 31/10/2019 11:08

I have to agree with everyone. This all sounds way too dramatic and toxic.

The thing is (and I'm not trying to be horrible or unkind so I'm sorry if it comes across that way) of course he wants to stay with you. He knows that he can cheat with very few consequences - you will take him back, he just has to sweet talk you without ever following any of it through and he gets to have all the benefits of a girlfriend while freely sleeping around with other women. He has tested your boundaries and knows exactly how far he needs to go to get what he wants. He is the one who cheated and you are the one sitting at home worrying about what he's getting up to.

Out of interest, would he forgive you cheating? Would he let it go if you promised him something and then didn't do it? Honestly, no one can make you break up with him but you need to resign yourself to the fact that this relationship is all on his terms and he likely will cheat again now he knows he can get away with it.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 31/10/2019 11:09

He needs his gun license taken away if he is suicidal.
Ditch the cheating prick and contact the police if he harasses you.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 31/10/2019 11:23

Bloody hell OP can you not see how wrong it is to feel so strongly that he will threaten suicide but at the same time not feel strongly enough to stop messaging other girls?

I'm not being flippant here but I think you might be addicted to the drama. The lows are so bad that the highs seem so much better as they are hard won. He is manipulating you with his behaviour. He goes over the top when he senses you leaving but keeps you in a state of accepting the bare minimum otherwise.

He wont change, you will be saying the same thing in a few years

antisupermum · 31/10/2019 11:26

Why did you set an ultimatum if you had no intention of following it through?

Not only does it make you look pretty stupid, to be frank, but it also 100% shows him that he can do as he pleases and there won't actually be any consequences. He may need to listen to you whinge about it for a while, but ultimately you will allow it because you're too weak to enforce boundaries about what is and is not acceptable to you. Have some self respect for goodness sake.

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/10/2019 11:29

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

So, the one small thing you've asked him to do to make you feel more secure, and he won't. Not even to give you peace of mind.

He can talk the talk (which it seems like you really enjoy), but he won't walk the walk. Never mind how loving and wonderful he is when he's trying to win you back - that's not who he is. That's just who he pretends to be, just to get his little puppet back on her string.

He doesn't love you. That's all you really need to know.

cacklingmags · 31/10/2019 11:31

OP you have a controlling narcissist in your life and when he love bombs you of course it is fantastic. But the fantastic will never continue because that is who he is and how he controls you. You have asked him to do one tiny thing with his phone number and you know why he won't? Because he will never let you be in charge of anything. Get out before you fall pregnant with this waste of space and be stuck with him in your life forever.

SunshineAngel · 31/10/2019 11:36

Sorry but even if he changes his number, there's nothing stopping him giving it to her - or any other woman for that matter - if he wants to cheat.

You can do anything you want, and make him promise to anything you want, but if he wants to cheat, he will. And if you need to make him do things to stop him from cheating, you obviously don't trust him at all (not that I blame you!) so what's the point?

merryhouse · 31/10/2019 11:55

If he threatens to kill himself call the police.

Have you been trained in talking people down? I'm guessing not - so basically the only thing you can do is backtrack on the dumping (which is presumably what you did). This is not helpful.

EverFallenInLove · 31/10/2019 12:07

He needs his gun license taken away if he is suicidal.

My thoughts exactly.

WhenPushComesToShove · 31/10/2019 12:48

It's quite clear from your post that you don't want to break up with him. Every suggestion is met with yeah but.... he is a proven cheat and liar; it really is up to you if you choose this life of misery. If you are determined to yeah but... then shut up and get on with it!

Original poster
heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 15:24

I know what I have to do....I really do!
It's just so hard!
He has been my everything for 2 years and now realising that he is not everything that he promised is hard!

So this weekend is going to be the end of the circle I have been going round in.

Just need to be reminded that I'm doing the right thing I guess and not listen to his false promises

OP posts:
PositiveLife · 31/10/2019 15:48

You are doing the right thing and you will get through it. But it takes a lot of time with no contact - one day you'll realise how much more peaceful life is, the lack of drama, the more confidence you have.

In a way, it is an addiction to the drama, to the pushing you away/wanting you back. It's called trauma bonding. Only space really helps to break the cycle.

And it is soooooo hard to see it when you're in the middle of it. They make you think it's you - you're overreacting, you're too sensitive, you're remembering it wrong, you're making it up. It's all manipulating you to stay attached.

Block all contact. If he threatens to kill himself, call the police/ambulance.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 31/10/2019 15:57

What do you define as him being "loving"? Because from here it's all flowers and voicemails and bullshit promises and nothing of any substance.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 31/10/2019 16:06

No partner should ever be your "everything", OP.

penisbeakers · 31/10/2019 16:10

Dump him.

AnnaNimmity · 31/10/2019 16:45

agree with pps - you need to leave this man. And rvby who said that abusive relationships are characterised by very addictive highs. It's that that keeps you in the (awful) lows. That keeps you there when they cheat. And keeps you going back over and over, when any sane person would leave.

He isn't your everything. You are.

What would you say to a friend, your daughter, if they were being treated like this? What would you think if you saw a friend taking this treatment over and over again. It doesn't matter what he wants. What he says. you're the only person who you can control. and all the blocking in the world, won't change him.

Look at what he does, not what he says. It's easy to say he loves you. But if he did, he wouldn't cheat in the first place.

EverFallenInLove · 31/10/2019 17:24

No partner should ever be your "everything", OP.

This. 1000 times.

Original poster
heneverkeepshisword · 31/10/2019 17:42

Yes it's so hard.
The longest I have been no contact with him everytime I have split is 1 day....I finally feel I am getting somewhere and then he leaves me a voicemail and it sets me back so much!

But yes it is so hard and yes like an addiction....it's mad!
But I know I have to do it...I am seeing him over the weekend so will tell him then that it's over!
He will of course say "ok if that's what u want I'm not going to fight" so then once he's gone I will block him off everything and change my number!

I really need to do this for me! I know I do!

When we're good it's the affectionate side of him, the caring....tbh now I'm trying to explain it's really hard.

I have read about trauma bonding tho and it deffo explains my situation well.

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 31/10/2019 18:04

Threatening to kill himself is THE most manipulative thing he can do.

It's also the most desperate, so if you can push past it then you are so much closer to breaking free. Otherwise all you're doing is teaching him that it works. Show him it doesn't.

My ex did this a few times after I finally left. The most effective thing I did was say to him in response to any suicide / self harm threats that I was unable to deal with it so am calling the police so they can help.

Here's the hard bit - follow through.

Tell him you are going to call the police. And do it.

I had years of shit from my ex. Police visited him once to do a welfare check as I called them after he'd been bawling down the phone to me and sending me pictures of the tablets he was "planning to use". They went to his and he was having a takeaway and watching footie. He was absolutely fucking fine!

It made me see sense. I was beside myself worried, sobbing and panicking about getting the police to him in time, pre empting the guilt I was going to feel... he was watching footie and having a vindaloo.

I had a real moment when I realised that even if he did hurt himself (which he never actually did) it absolutely wouldn't be my fault.

It would have been his choice and not my responsibility, especially after putting up with years of shit from him and forgiving him / trying to fix him.

Please try to see a future without him being a toxic influence in your life and all the possibilities that will open up to you.

The day after I finally cut all ties with my ex I literally woke up grinning. It's the best, most self loving thing I've ever done.

I hope you can do it too Thanks

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2019 18:11

One time he actually went to a barn with a gun of his and I had to talk him down! It was horrible!

Cares enough to kill himself. Doesn't care enough to change his phone number. That seems... unlikely.

Dump, block, inform the police.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread