False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

He did something violent a few months before. His ex told me he had been violent to her including pushing her down the stairs and puttin his hands round her neck. I chose not to believe her. The book says you should always believe an ex because they're unlikely to be lying.

Anyway, he had lots of the other red flags. Which are listed in one section of the book. I've ticked them off!

Book is great - if you need any persuasion, read the section on children who are subjected to these relationships between their parents. You wouldn't do that to your children, I'm sure.

He is not being placid. Ignoring your request for no contact is an overt act of aggression no matter how softly he speaks.

Do keep a log of all the numbers and ways he is trying to communicate.
While the messages themselves seem innocent, the fact he uses a new number each time shows harassment.

Yea I have kept every message and every email and every letter!

OP, please step away from the cycle. You want his constant chasing because it fulfils your need to feel wanted. Find other ways to feel like this. Spend time with your children. He will treat you like shit the moment he has you back eating from his hands, you will be utterly disempowered, and trapped back in the cycle finding it even harder to get out.

You don't really want him. You just want the validation he gives you. Work on your self esteem, woman!! Go and see your Take No Shit Friend. You need her to give you a talking to!

So pleased to hear you haven't gone back so far - be very proud of this. I can see that you are still extremely vulnerable to his overtures and his relentless ignoring of your 'no' (which in itself is so wrong) is fulfilling your addictive need like a drug. This is because you are still engaging with messages (ie: reading them). Not to castigate as really it is your choice but as long as you continue to do this it will be impossible for you to move on and you will exist in this limbo until either you go back to being belittled and used like a doormat which will crush what's left of your self esteem or you refuse to engage with ANY contact and move forward. Show your kids that this is a toxic relationship and that they should never accept anything like this for themselves or treat anyone in the way that you are allowing yourself to be treated. To continue to be in this situation teaches your kids that you have chosen to have no power, do not expect anyone to listen to your needs which are worthless and will accept any crumbs of a soul destroying relationship so you can have a good fuck. I know that sounds harsh but I say this to shock you into saving yourself.

You're doing brilliantly OP. Every day of no contact is a day closer to being indifferent to him and being heart whole.

Thankyou guys!

Struggling at the moment but thats because I bloody caved!!
I messaged him after nearly 3 weeks!
Yes I know it was stupid but I was so angry about what I heard that I did it without even thinking!

He was so convincing with everything he said and basically it seemed like he was going through everything I was!
I know he's not but he's got into my head!

Please go easy on me....I have blocked him again now

What did you hear OP?

Sometimes we do break, but so long as you regret it and don't go back, who cares.
You are still winning, you get away

I heard that he was on tinder while we were together! I seen red!

Yes I keep telling myself I could still be talking to him now or met him so it could be worse!
But I feel I'm back at day 1 and I'm so annoyed!

See it as a blip in your journey to recover from the relationship. Good you blocked again. It’s hard to break a cycle but your doing well

Yes I'm blaming this time of year! I'm allowing myself one blip.
I haven't heard from him since tho so I'm hoping he has got the message. That even tho I spoke to him I am standing firm with my decision!
He doesn't know that I'm secretly dieing inside and that's all that matters I guess!

How can he pretend he is feeling the same as me so well tho! Please convince me it is all a lie and if he had someone else he wouldn't be trying with me as it's about supply not love!

I heard that he was on tinder while we were together!
And you were surprised by this???? Really?????
I'm not - I could have bet my house on him being on dating sites.
This really should have solidified your resolve.
But what's done is done.
You can't take it back so don't dwell on it!
Nothing you hear should be a surprise any more.
He was a fuckwit, a narcissist, a liar and a cheat!
Stop letting anything he has done get to you.
Keep him blocked.
Keep strong.
Back to day 1 of no contact.
This is why it's 30 days!
It's the 1st 30 days that are the hardest.
THEN you start to not care.
You still care.
Get someone to help you if you feel yourself caving again!
Come on here if necessary before you send the message.
We can all tell you not to!!!

Yes I was suprised and I don't know why! But he said he set up the account when I last ended things with him as he was angry at me for ending things again!

But yes! Day 1 here we go again! I feel as shit as I did 3 weeks ago!

I know last week when I was about to cave I cane on here and you guys talked me out of it! But this time I didn't Cos I feel like I'm a broken record and just need to man up!

God he has really got into my head this time! I drove past him this morning so I guess that's why I'm struggling today! I was fine yesterday!

His words are so convincing!

I have brought the book by Lundy someone that someone recommended so will carry on reading that tonight and hopefully get past this blip!
I'm guessing cos it's Christmas it really doesn't help!

Why were you surprised? I spotted my ex on Guardian Soulmates while he was with his gf.

I also know that he met someone while he was with me (I think through Bumble).

It's not a surprise OP!!! Stop and step back. They don't care what kind of contact you give them, all contact shows that you are still hooked.

I guess because I'm still convinced that he means all he says!
That I'm the one blah blah!

Yes I know you are right. Hence why I'm so annoyed at myself. But he's so convincing. Like I really believe he's heartbroken!

I'll snap out of it soon. Just didn't realise how hard this would be

No, he's losing control of you and he'll do anything to get back control.

It's all about possession and control. They'll use whatever techniques - usually very manipulative to get you back.

It was me that recommended Lundy. Read it. You are just a possession to him. Abusive men only care about possessing and owning you. He is losing you, and he doesn't like it.

Yes I need to keep reminding myself this!

I feel a lot better than this morning!

Least I have blocked him again as I can imagine he thought I wouldn't. As before I would unblock him argue with him and then that's when we would get back together!
So I guess that's progress!

Yes i started last night. I will carry on tonight as I did find the couple of pages interesting and the stories all sounded so familiar

OP, this is merely a speedbump in the road toward your healing. Now that you know FOR A FACT that ANY contact from you will set you back to square 1, there will be less temptation to contact him in the future. At some point, you will come to the realization that the pain you're feeling just isn't worth it.

I was addicted to my last abusive bf (emotional) and it took MONTHS to get over him. I told myself every morning that any pain I was feeling won't last forever. I've survived MUCH worse than his mean, manipulative, and nasty ways, so I knew I'd also survive this.

Healing isn't linear but it does come. Trust in yourself, trust the hope that this won't last forever, and trust that you deserve better. Know your worth, girlfriend, but don't forget to add tax! Raise that bar and keep it raised! You got this!!! (((hugs!)))

God yes! I don't care what I hear from now on...I won't be messaging him! This morning was bloody horrible. I think it was the lowest I have felt.

Yes I think at the moment what scares me is I feel I'm never going to get over him. Like I'll bump into him in a year and I'll be back here in day 1. I really feel like if I could move away I would.

Thankyou!

I have never watched so many YouTube video as but they are helping