False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

Christ what a trash bag this guy is.. utter scum.

@user1481840227
Omg....that is totally it! Never really thought like that. I would say 90% of the time I feel shit so the small amount of time that's good I try and grab onto that!

The worst thing is when I told him I wasn't happy he doesn't make me happy....he argued with me...and told me he does make me happy I'm only saying that! He really doesn't listen to me!

God I can't wait to have the conversation with him and end it for good.

I'm going to need to keep this thread going tho to remind myself of all the bad as that disappears when I miss him and get lonely!

@BumbleBeee69 yes the more I say the more I realise he is trash!

I haven't even said half the stuff he's done/said either

@AnnaNimmity

Yes I definitely am....it's just I get lonely on my weekends without the kids and that's when I cave!

God that sounds so bad

It's a good sign that a relationship is toxic and/or abusive OP if you can't tell other people what is really happening. People don't know the half of what my ex did or said.

Why do you need to see him to end it?

No my friends don't like him as they know briefly of what he's done but I always defend him for some reason and try and turn the blame round on me.

Like the other day I was saying I'm expecting to much so that's why he's like he is. Sometimes I think I am tho.

Ummm because I need my stuff and I have a lot of his

Should I tell him it's because he wouldn't do the one thing I asked?
But what if he promises to change it?
Say it's too late?

Tell him simply that you want to end the relationship and that you do not want to see or hear from him again. The more you try to explain, the more he won’t hear what you’re saying and will make up his own narrative. If you give any reasons, all he’ll hear is that if he says he’ll change then you’ll take him back. He won’t change of course, but he’ll tell you he will. You need to cut it off dead with no path to reconciliation, then he only has those very clear words and he won’t have anything to twist. He’ll probably ignore them but at least if you told him straight, without qualification, justification or explanation, then you will know that you’ve been clear, and any interaction with the police will be on the basis that you’ve been very clear.

I don’t think finishing with him while you’re with him is a good idea. It’s playing into his hands, as he’ll have the opportunity to manipulate you. Can you take a friend to his, deliver his things and collect yours, then tell him and leave? That will send a much more unambiguous message. Also you’ll have moral support.

I wouldn’t be in the least bit surprised if your friends already dislike this man. They’ll probably be relieved when you finish with him and rally around to help you. You have a much better chance of cutting him off with support than you will without.

Remember, when you finish with him you need to go no contact, no matter what he tries. If you say you’re not going to speak to him then speak to him another ten times, you’re speaking to him ten more times than you want to. If he leaves twenty messages on your voicemail and you contact him after the twenty first, he learns that the cost of getting your attention is twenty one messages.

You need to be aware of the messages you’re sending him. You want to stop interacting him, he does not want to stop interacting with you. Every time you interact with him after you’ve finished with him he’ll take that as you still wanting to interact with him. You both have differing wants here, and you need to be mindful of that when dealing with him. He does not react in the same way as you do, so don’t fall into the trap of thinking he does. You need to be explicitly clear that you want no more contact from him, then ignore any further contact that he makes. He won’t give up if he sees he can get your attention at all, but if you ignore him entirely then sooner or later he’ll have no other conclusion to come to.

Thankyou @Whatisthisfuckery

You are definitely right. That's probably why he does all he does because he knows that I will cave! He knows if he leaves flowers doorstep and a note through my door I unblock him and say Thankyou.

What the hell? Why do I say Thankyou?

I have finally managed to turn off my voicemail feature so he won't be able to leave me any which will help me loads!

As much as I know I have to do this....why am I so sad?
I'm never happy when I'm with him and no good comes of our relationship....so why am I so sad that he won't be in my life anymore?

You are sad because you’ve become trauma bonded to him. Once you make the break and have a bit of space you’ll no longer feel sad. It’s a large but very temporary hurdle you need to get over. Talk to your friends, enlist their moral support. I’m sure they’ll be relieved that you’re getting rid.

You asked about how this will be affecting your kids earlier in the thread. Well, your friends have already noticed that you’re not happy with this man and they don’t live with you. Your kids do live with you, so they will have definitely noticed a change.

Please do not thank him for things you haven’t asked for. What you’re asking for is for him to leave you alone. What he’s doing by leaving you flowers is disregarding your wishes and refusing to hear your no. Do not thank him for disregarding your wishes and refusing to hear your no, think about the messages that is sending him. No means no, it is a full sentence, not the start of a negotiation. By thanking him for refusing to hear your no your turning your no into a maybe, a negotiation, a challenge. Remember, he’s looking for any possibly justification to keep on at you. Thanking him will give him that justification. You need to give him nothing to keep hold of. If his efforts bring him no reward whatsoever then he’ll have nothing to hold on to.

And the hurdle of you feeling sad is something you’ll only have to get over once but only if you completely ignore his advances afterwards. If you keep talking to him, thanking him and giving in to him you’ll have to get over it over and over again.

You only need break the cycle once, but you have to break it completely or the cycle will continue.

Yea I will tell my friends but I have split up with him and got back together with him so many times this year that they have got bored of hearing about it so now so don't ask....so they don't actually no that I am back with him giving him another chance.
So I'm not sure there going to help me again as they think it falls on deaf ears!

So once I tell him that's it....absolutely no more contact as hard as it will be.
It's just so hard not to miss him. This sucks!

But yes I don't want it affecting my kids long term as I know I'm good at hiding my emotions but probably not as good as I'm hoping!

Write a list of the things he has done to upset you. And exactly how they made you feel - anxiety attacks, crying, feeling shit about how you look etc.

Then write a list of all the things you want in a relationship that he has not given you. And exactly how they would make you feel - confident, cherished, proud etc.

And promise yourself that when you have a moment of weakness and want to contact him you will stop, breathe for five minutes and read both lists.

Read them aloud to yourself. Feel what you've written.

I found that really helpful to stop myself contacting wanker ex

I have written a list like that....it's pages long!

But then when I compare him to a lot of guys I know there's so many sleeze bags around I feel like I'm not going to get much better than him if I'm honest.
No one is faithful these days!

The thing that is going to keep me going atm is the fact that he thinks he can just go back on the most important promise I have asked him to do.
He was so flippant and like he didn't care if I ended it or not! Like I wouldn't kind of thing....I hope he's shocked when he realises I wasn't messing about with that promise!
Flipping wanker!

This feeling right now....

When he weirdly says..."do you think I'm up to something"
I say no why should I?
And then now he hasn't read my message of anything half an hour....now making me think he is up to something!

This feeling I need to remember and how anxious and shit I feel

Look it's quite simple just go no contact. If you keep going back and forth and agonising over every little point and saying you miss him etc, etc, etc, and continuing to respond to his every bloody breath, you will never be free. It seems clear to me with every post you make that you haven't relinquished your relation with this wanker and probably will still be in this situation this time next year. We all want to help but ultimately it's up to you

I know! Sorry. Just finding it very hard that's all!

OP the headspace you're giving this arsehole is crazy! I say that not in a mean way as I've been there but just as a reality check - he is not worth so much of your time and energy.

The sooner you make the break the sooner this will all be in your past. There's never a better time than right now to cut ties.

I spent years feeling on the edge of a panic attack with my ex and it's so bad for you in so many ways. Just constant anxiety in the pit of my stomach and it sounds the same for you. Just dread all the time between little snippets of contact, then right back to dread again.

You need to stop thinking of him as being your "everything for two years". Your boys are your everything and they are worthy of the headspace you're giving him.

I really hope you can push through this really tough bit to be happy in the long term

I know it's crazy! I don't know what's wrong with me!

No apology necessary, just prioritise yourself and your boys. You are worth so much more

Here's an idea - change YOUR phone number and let everyone else but him have it, that way when you dump him, he can't leave you a voicemail.

Just had a thought...

My eldest son who has just turned 10 has become very anxious at the moment about being left at home on his own whereas he used to love it.

Could this be a result of me being affected by this relationship?

Why do you think you deserve so little! You are worth way more than that. Walk away. He doesn't deserve you. If you meant anything to him he'd have no reason to cheat on you. X

I guess I'm just scared to be on my own.

I have no one around no family friends.

I know it's no excuse but that's why I always go back because I get lonely

Okay. So I'm going to send the text message today doing it as I bailed at the weekend. Even tho we had a shit weekend.

What do I say? How do I do it? Why do I feel so bad?