False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

I know at the time he said it I was so shocked but I didn't know any different. I thought maybe that's how all guys with no kids would think.

I've only really had one relationship I was 14 when we got together and then was with him 13 years...he's the dad to my boys. So I don't have much experience. He was perfect tho really never treated me badly so I'm not sure why I have accepted everything of this wanker!

The thing is I never ever used to mind my own company!
I loved it infact! I would love it when my ex husband would go away for the weekend but I guess that's because I could trust him with my life and so I was fine.

I think the only reason I hate being on my own now is because I'm always worried about what he is up too and my anxiety is worse when I'm on my own!

That will go now he's not my problem to worry about....I hope anyway

If you have any doubts, remember what he said regarding your children. FFS. Baseball bat in face comes to mind. Sorry... I get so ENRAGED whenever I read about anyone harming innocent children or animals. Directly or indirectly.

Top of the list of reasons not to go back. He doesn't like my children or want them around, he has guns and he is a lying, cheating, cruel bastard.

You're very trauma bonded OP.

Do the work on yourself. He has got into your head so you would accept his abuse AND miss him. I will find a great article for you in a tic.

www.balancepsychologies.com/post/2018/05/14/trauma-bonding-hoe-to-break-free?fbclid=IwAR2BzWlfnO0IUiqfNhTTFhWepjJNqDuwL99_bO7YiiOXeA0RKosS_gCvt9Y

tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10926771.2017.1314989?src=recsys&journalCode=wamt20&

Sorry, last link is personal research, may not be so useful...

fairytaleshadows.com/how-narcissists-get-away-with-abuse-the-double-standards-of-victim-blaming/

www.innerintegration.com/blog/the-trauma-bond-aka-the-stockholm-syndrome

BINGO:

www.betterhelp.com/advice/trauma/what-abusers-hope-we-never-learn-about-traumatic-bonding/

Thankyou for the links.
I will read them all properly later once my kids are in bed!

I'm half expecting a letter to be posted threw my letterbox....I need to be strong and just put it in the bin!

I can't believe what he has done to me....

Let's hope I learn from this and never end up in this position again!

kimsaeed.com/2018/07/15/breaking-the-deceptive-and-toxic-cycle-of-trauma-bonding/

"Trauma bonding in that sense as I first came across it was saying, well, look if you want to mind-control somebody you get them as a child… and you slap them around and shout at them and scream at them so that they’re frightened, you leave them poorly nourished and so they’re a little bit dazed and confused and then you lock them in a cupboard dark cupboard for eight hours which is an intensely frightening experience. You are the abuser if you did that that.

“In the child mind, they would associate your voice and the sight of your face to feelings of pain and suffering and that should create resentment. However, if you come back to the child after eight hours of isolation in a dark cupboard and release the child from the dark of it and then feed the child and speak nicely to the child you are then also the rescuer so then the child has intense feelings of gratitude and of warmth and love towards the person who is abusing them. That’s trauma bonding. "

This quote - really good.

You can't be healed by the person who hurt you so much. How can you think you can?

Everytime I end it he says he doesn't want to live if he doesn't have me and I couldn't live with that on my conscience

Funnily enough, my controlling narcissistic bellend of an ex used to say this every time I tried to end it too and guess what? He's still breathing

Honestly, I've been there. The highs of a toxic relationship feel so amazing that you keep taking the lows but once you're away from it all you really do think 'what in the actual fuckety fuck was I thinking?!'
He's never going to change OP so you either accept that this is your life forever (being disrespected, cheated on, lied to and used) or you take control, decide enough is enough and get rid of the twatbag for good
It's not easy no, but that 'connection' soon fades once you look at them in a different light

Yea it's mad because I kept feeling and acting on a feeling that if I end it he will fight for me and then I will get that intense feeling back!

The feeling and the him that I would get when he was fighting for me back was one that I was constantly trying to get back...so I guess I would end things more than usual just for that kind amazing loving part of him!
But everytime I did it once he got be back that feeling didn't last long!

I even said to him that I feel I need to keep breaking up with you just to feel wanted as that's the only time I do!

How sad!

@heneverkeepshisword yep, I've been there OP so I do know how hard it is but honestly once you walk away properly you'll look back and wonder why the hell you wasted so much time and energy on someone who didn't give a fuck about you.

Find that inner strength and LTB for good

Yes I'm hoping this is the last time!

It's already helping with him not being able to leave me voicemails. That would mess with my head and I would start to feel bad!

Onwards and upwards I hope

OP, some advice from one who has been there.

Stop using the word hope. Step back into your power, take it back fully. Leaving an abuser is not about hope. It is about YOU deciding it is the end NOW and not about whether he decides to come after you or not. It is about YOU deciding to ignore, cut contact, block, avoid... and if he slips through your net, as these types follow a script and always do, YOU decide to have the boundary in concrete about no going back, NOT about hoping it is the last time.

Hope is nothing to do with it. Making the decision and STICKING to it, however, is EVERYTHING.

I have been there. I wasted years dancing the hope dance and he ALWAYS lured me back. I did not understand what was been done to me, you see. Take the advice of the older and hopefully wiser people who have been through this shit.

You need determination, resilience and the Rocky theme tune. And self-love. Not hope.

Just re read my post....didn't even realise that's what I was doing!

This is the last time I'm going round in this trauma cycle! I will not go back!

Problem is right back in the back of my head I'm still wishing he would be the guy he is when he's trying to win be back!

But that guy isn't real! It's all a front just to get what he wants! That's what I need to drum Into myself!

I will keep reading all the links and get myself out of this cycle!

The podcast on that page by Inner Integration is superb. Have a listen.

Get the Rocky music on!

Can you make some nice plans for this week and the weekend OP?

I went into hibernation after my break up and wish I'd tried to get back into the real world (minus the dickhead!) a little sooner.

It stopped me thinking our toxic bubble was all that existed. I saw friends, watched films that I love that he wouldn't watch, had food that I like that he didn't, booked a city break knowing I wouldn't be going with an absolute tosspot!

Even if its too soon right now, maybe set yourself a couple of goals for lovely things you can do by the end of this year?

Sending you super positive thoughts

Yes I'm going to try and make plans with friends as when I'm with them it deffo helps.

Just all my friends are very busy with small families so aren't ever free!

Wednesday evening is normally an evening I spend with him so I'm going to try out a new gym in hope I can go there in the future!

It's mad isn't it how they never do anything they don't want...u saying what u just did made me realise. He would never watch a film...(should be having sex then instead) would never go anywhere that I wanted to go to eat like Nando's....he hated it there so haven't been in so long, the cinema...I'm going to go there too!

Thinking about all that I actually can't wait to get on with life and start being social again!

How do I explain this to my friends? They got so fed up of hearing it that they don't have a clue what's going on.

Op is that you on the other thread... about him forcing you to have sex????

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3734870-trauma-bonding