False promises

[heneverkeepshisword]

So basically my bf has cheated on me in the past, promised me he was sorry blah blah, then I caught him messaging her again.

He begged and begged and pleaded for 5 months for me to give him another chance, she's blocked etc etc....

So I said okay I'll give him one more chance but he has to change his number...he said fine he will do anything it takes...

He goes to check when his phone is up for renewal and says it's only in a couple of weeks so he will change his number then.....
He then gets a new phone and contract without changing his number....so I tell him again that I will only give him another chance if he changes it...he then agree to do it last weekend but then something came up so he couldn't, promises that this weekend he will do it...

Had the conversation tonight and now he's saying it's pointless as she is blocked so he's not doing it!

I feel I should just walk away now as 3 times he promised and now has backed down.
Not the only thing he's backed down on....he promises me so much when he's trying to get me back and then as soon as I'm back it all goes out the window!

I don't know what to do?

Yea I don't want him to know I am still thinking about him daily!
So I was just abit dull really, didn't give him anything.

So I have deffo got passed the wanting him back phase, I deffo no I don't want him back ever, but now I am struggling with the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about him being with someone else!

I know he will eventually treat her how he treated me but I can't stop feeling jealous! Help me stop! 😫🤦🏻‍♀️

Sweet Jesus this thread is exhausting. Clearly you have yet to relinquish 'him' emotionally. That is because you insist on reading stuff he sends and instead of distracting yourself you continue to dwell. It isn't easy; there is no quick fix. I may be in massively unpopular for saying this but I'm going to give you a good old fashioned, For fuck's sake, get a bloody grip. No one can do this except you. If you really were determined he was history, you wouldn't give a shit about him being with anyone else. Focus on your kids and your future or go back for more self abuse because if you allow this to continue, that is exactly what it is. Try a couple of hours or a morning without talking/thinking about him and do something else. Read a book, watch a film, clear out your knicker drawer, go for a walk, write your Christmas cards or better yet go and volunteer for some worthy cause, but for heavens sake STOP obsessing! I don't mean to be mean but all this pussy footing around you is clearly not getting the job done and I, amongst many would be very happy to see you be strong and make a real effort to move forward.

Sorry I know! I'm just very impatient and want this feeling to go now!

You're doing great. This is a trauma bond and is different to a normal break-up as it is based on drama and the brain chemistry of the drama and addictive cycles.

Don't meet with him though. Sounds like he engineered "bumping" into you.

As for jealousy, well, he was already cheating on you when you were supposedly an "item". He will cheat on everyone, not just you. He is no prize just because the sex was good.

Check out those resources I gave you on YouTube. Several channels do excellent videos about when you feel jealous of the new supply.

Remember, people are supply to him, nothing else. He is incapable of a healthy, faithful, loving relationship. He is no prize.

Both my ex's ex-wives knew this. The second ex-wife tried to warn me on her FB page but would not speak to me. She posted several memes about abusers always wanting to silence and smear the former victim.

Wash your hands, mind and heart of this man for good. Keep telling yourself that there will be someone else for you, someone kind, honest and truly loving.

Give the ex no more time or energy. If you see him again, as one other poster commented, a nod or ignore and pretend you did not see him is all you need to do. Give him nothing, you owe him nothing.

All my ex did was take from me. He took what he could, destroyed my self-esteem and ruined some of my work contacts. All your ex will do is use you as another vagina of many vaginas. He is a liar, cheat and rapist. Nothing to be jealous of.

Whenpushcomestoshove has a good point. It sounds as if you have too much time on your hands. I would use that time to work on your self-esteem and get a new hobby.

I was thinking about dancing... maybe salsa... there is so much going on when you look for it.

You do need to change your focus to heal and rewire your brain. Eventually your brain will make new connections and you WILL eventually feel nothing at all for him, apathy, maybe a little disgust, but more anger at yourself for allowing the abuse.

But it all starts with you and the decision to get your focus off of him and his harem.

ps Can you shop somewhere else for a while?

Maybe it's the bumping into him that has made me feel like this again as I was doing fine before then.

Yea today I do have too much time I'm home with my eldest as he is ill.

I'll be fine again tomoro. Just need to not bump into him again!

So a good plan to shop elsewhere if running into him is going to set you back so badly.

If I kept bumping into my toxic ex I have no idea where I would be today.

Abusers are so charming and manipulative when they want power over you again.

If you have time on your hands at home, I would suggest reading? Learning a language online perhaps?

Oh yes.. changing where I shop is easy!
Don't think I can handle bumping into him anymore!

I'm going to do the freedom project that will keep me busy for a while

I have just read through your entire thread and just wanted to say well done and keep going. As others said it’s a dangerous situation. To give some perspective my friend was with a man like this. She eventually stayed away for nearly a month but he got to her and she went back. After a few weeks of grooming starting off with dinner etc he locked her in their bedroom at 5am after they had sex and wouldn’t let her out for nearly a day. He then began punishing her for what she had put him through and how dare she disrespect him. He really hurt her in every way. Turns out he had started seeing another woman around this time and he did this just to prove to her who was in control and no matter what he did she was still a piece of shite who would crawl back. She was totally humiliated and never went to the police nor told any of her friends for nearly a year. So please stay away and always be aware of his grooming tactics.

I notice this thread has gone quiet. Tell me you didn't give in....

No I haven't given in...still here fighting with my own head all the time...I'm now at the stage where I keep thinking he's not as bad as most guys I know that cheat so surely it can work!
Obviously I know this is stupid and he's a miserable horrible man that doesn't really love me but this weekend when I got a text off him from another SIM card he has brought telling me he's home on Friday and Saturday night so I don't need to worry.....I couldn't help but feel relieved and happy to hear from him!
I know this is all just a ploy and he's probably texting loads of girls to find his next supply and just can't find one hence still trying with me but I can't help it!

But I blocked the number and haven't replied so I guess I'm doing well

He knows you. Knows that the message is exactly what in the past would pull at your heart strings, so he could play you.
But nothing would change, he won't change because he can't.
So glad your out of the mess he calls a life.

Yea your right!
Keeps asking me out for dinner when he knows I'm going to be bored and on my own too!
He says it's nearly Christmas surely we can be nice to each other!

Why does he make this so hard!

I just want to reply and argue with him my point but i know there's no point

Don't communicate with him at all.

Screenshot every communication you get from him then Block every number he tries to contact you on.

Inform the police that he is harassing you as this is what it is.

I have informed them!
But because he's not threatening they weren't concerned!

I just keep blocking him! I'm sure it will all blow over soon once he has found someone knew!

He knows exactly what buttons to press OP to get you back. He knows your weak spot. Mine would talk to me entice-ingly about going off travelling together on a boat, or growing old together, etc. He knew what to suggest. (Same with his other partners-/ drag them in with promises of being a proper family or whatever).

Anyway, have you read Lundy Bancroft? If not, do so immediately! it.I read it yesterday when it was linked to on here. (I read it many years ago about my exH but haven't done since). Honestly, so many lightbulb moments for me - it had me in tears. Even things I didn't realise were abusive, my ex was doing to me.

The sex thing you mentioned - forcing you to have sex when you had an infection - that is in there. It's all about possession, control and seeing you as an object. Everything is about possession. Mine even used to say to me "who do you belong to"? "who owns you"? He couldn't have made it any clearer. It's just about controlling and owning you. And they don't see you as a person, just an object to control . An object whose sole purpose is to please and flatter and do what he wants.

There were so many things my ex did, both in the early days and later, that are in that book. Playing women off against each other? Cheating? degrading sex? Silent treatment or sulking, minimising any anger, criticising friends or children, or your house, clothes, job. God. Read it OP if you haven't already!

and yes, there's a section on the post-relationship period and how dangerous that is for you. How to get out safely. Read it.

I wish I had - my ex physically attacked me when I wasn't with him. It was horrendous. But it's the most dangerous time for the victim. And yours has guns! Bloody hell OP.

OP have you spoken to Suzy Lamplugh yet? Do so.

That reaction by the police is common, but Suzy L will advise you. That simply isn't the law. The law is that the harrassement causes you DISTRESS OR ALARM - not that there's any threat of violence to it. They have to take it seriously.

I went back recently having spoken to Suzy L, and also had my new DP with me. Strangely they tool me much more seriously when I had a man with me.

I'd be bloody livid if I told someone to stay away and blocked their number then they used other numbers to contact me. How very DARE they trample my very clear NO! Such disrespect for me as an individual would have me livid. You are far too willing to be subservient to other's desires.

Your reactions are still off if you are reading his messages, thinking about the content and wanting to respond to the content. Your reaction should be fury at him ignoring your no with zero thought about the content he wrote.

@AnnaNimmity no I havent read that? Is it a book?
As lightbulb moment are always good for me at the moment!
Physically attacked you? Why did he do that? Because u wouldn't take him back?

@TowelNumber42 yea see I'm quite clearly not right as it doesn't make me angry he's trying everything to get hold of me which I know I should!
I didn't know it was him when I read the messages!
It was an unknown number saying "hey..."
then when I clicked on it there was a long message that by then I was obviously going to read it!
I didn't reply and blocked it tho!

Tbh today I'm feeling abit flat about it all! My sons not well so that's taking main priority at the moment

Yes read it

He attacked me because he's abusive and violent.

(But yes when they’re losing control after the relationship ends they try more extreme methods - I wouldn’t sleep with him and he didn’t like that).

And yes to pp - you should be livid with him for being so disrespectful. i used to be likeyou- this time when he started contacting me i was actaully angry. its a journey! - . .

I've ordered the book!

Did you ever expect him to do it?
My ex is being so placid like if you wanna see me that's fine if you don't that's fine too....I can't imagine he's going to get violent?

I'm sure I'll get angry soon